Category: Parenting A Child With An Eating Disorder

When your child is recovering from an eating disorder, it may be helpful to introduce new hobbies, exercises and life practices. The goal of this is to take her focus away from her body image, food and her disorder and funnel that passion into something healthy and healing.

Many people recovering from an eating disorder turn to practices like art, yoga and meditation, but there are really no limits as long as your child finds something that resonates with who she is and what she enjoys.

Aikido is a martial art that focuses on finding harmony with an opponent in order to bring peaceful resolution to a conflict situation. Aikido does not seek a fight, but it doesn’t fear one. Aikido often appears to be a dance, and it differs from many other martial arts because of its peaceful approach to conflict.

There are many ways to work towards healing an eating disorder (ED). Some parents find it helpful to launch a full-on aggressive attack against ED – the whole family draws virtual swords and fights together in an amazing show of strength.

Other parents find it helpful to approach ED with compassion and an acute awareness of the disorder’s strength, all the while looking for ways to defuse those strengths. They find that accepting the eating disorder as an opportunity to heal, learn and grow works wonders in loosening its hold on their child.

Depending on your child’s unique personality, how she is expressing her eating disorder, your parenting style, and your professional team’s recommendations, you may consider ways in which your family can harness the concepts of Aikido in facing ED.

Aikido and other disciplined forms of movement may offer your child a path inward, a new way of moving and thinking. You may even try to learn Aikido as a joint effort to learn something new together.

Check out this video to hear more about Aikido. It’s pretty awesome, because it features a really strong guy who starts by laughing at Aikido techniques. He’s a total non-believer, but Aikido brings him to his knees (literally). Ha! Take that, big strong dude!

Here are some options to find an Aikido Dojo near you:

Aikido Dojo Search Engine

United States Aikido Federation

Many parents live in a state of constant anxiety:

• Am I doing the right thing for my child?
• Am I doing the right thing for my marriage?
• Am I doing the right thing for my career?

• What will happen if …
• How will I handle …
• Will I ever …

The voices in our heads are unrelenting and demanding of our time and energy. It feels as if we can never do enough to be the perfect parent.

If you have a child with an eating disorder like binge eating disorder, bulimia or anorexia, these feelings just get an extra kick in the pants. Not only do you have the “regular” struggles of parenting, you may also have the sense that you have to save your child from herself. And, no matter how many times the experts tell you it’s not your fault, you probably still worry that it is.

• If only I had …
• I should have …
• It wouldn’t have happened if I …

If you are nodding your because this is how you feel, please relax and take a deep breath right now. Your desire to be a perfect parent is perfectly understandable, but it is also perfectly unreasonable. It is likely that you are in the early stages of an energetic crisis, and that will not help anyone in your family.

An “Energetic Crisis” is when your body develops symptoms due to emotional stress. It’s like a white flag from your body, trying to tell your mind to chill out! Common symptoms are repeated colds/flus, IBS, joint pain, back pain, depression, etc. 

Here are some signs that you’re on your way to an energetic crisis:

• You rush around, often bumping into things and dropping things as you go.
• You increasingly make calendar errors like forgetting appointments and double-booking yourself.
• Your memory seems impaired and it feels like you can’t actually hear things as people are speaking to you.
• You have a constant low-level sense of panic.

These signs may seem like something that you just have to live with, but they are actually a really big deal. These physical signs are an indication that your ability to “captain” your family’s ship is in danger.

Here are some things to consider if you are feeling the overwhelm described above:

• Find a therapist or a coach who can work with you on your expectations and perfectionism tendencies.
• Find a way to connect with your body every day using meditation, yoga or gentle exercise like walking.
• Talk to your partner about how you can balance your stress in the family.
• Build a community of helpers who can help you steer the family ship.

Remember, taking steps to balance your own energy is not selfish. It is critical to the health and wellness of everyone in your family, especially your child who has an eating disorder. Your balance, calm and ability to soothe her are critical to her healing, but you absolutely can’t show up for her if you are in your own crisis.

by Colleen Reichmann, Psy.D

We interviewed Colleen Reichmann, Psy.D. She provided us with some excellent information for parents regarding eating disorder prevention, treatment and recovery.

Below are her comments:

Parents Have Power

We are in luck, because parents can have a great deal of power in the prevention of eating disorders!

It is critical to begin to provide education early – prior to adolescence. Begin to talk to your child about the importance of a healthy body image before all the changes of puberty begin. Stress the importance of function over appearance.

Our bodies are our homes! They are the vehicles to move us around our journey in life. Stress the point that they are not meant to be perfect.

Educate your kids about diet culture, and about the differences between real life, and what the media is portraying in terms of how bodies should look.

Lastly, be a good role model. Don’t criticize your own appearance in front of your kids. Don’t comment on other people’s appearance. Eat with your children. Don’t diet. Provide them with a foundation to have a strong and healthy relationship with food throughout their whole lives.

If Your Child Has a Friend With an Eating Disorder

Parents should encourage their children to reach out if they believe one of their friends has an eating disorder.

Talk to your children about the importance of asking for help from an adult, instead of trying to help this friend on your own.

Discuss how eating disorders are complicated and serious, and stress the importance of talking to their friend’s parent, teacher, or another adult support if they believe this friend is struggling. If this has already happened, and the friend has support from professionals and adults, talk to your child about how words matter very much to this friend right now.

Stress the importance of not focusing on weight, calories, or food when hanging out with this friend. Also encourage your child not to comment on any changes in their friend’s physical appearance.

Schools as a Partner in Eating Disorder Treatment

Schools would be wise to begin to incorporate eating disorder education and awareness into their education curriculum as early as elementary school.

Elementary schoolers often learn about MyPlate nutrition, and healthy food versus “junk food” in health classes, so it makes sense that eating disorders and body image education should be provided as part of the standard curriculum as well.

My belief is this would provide kids with a more balanced education and overall view of health in general.

Schools should also begin to provide yearly eating disorder screening days. This could be helpful for early identification and intervention for children that may have flown under the radar otherwise.

Finally, it would be helpful if school counselors and school psychologists had more training on how to support children recovering from eating disorders during mealtimes. Often times these are the individuals expected to support children who are coming back to school after treatment, and these skills are often not intuitive. Hence extra training would be beneficial.

The Healthcare System and Eating Disorders

We have mounting evidence to support the fact that eating disorders can be treated successfully, however many insurance companies refuse to cover the cost for treatment until individuals are extremely ill. This is counterintuitive. Why wait to treat this life-threatening illness when we know that the longer that it progresses, the more difficult and stubborn it can be to treat?

Even when health care costs are covered in part, the reimbursement to families is often inadequate. Additionally, insurance companies often pull coverage as soon as patients hit “minimum safe weights” or as soon as their blood work begins to look normal.

This is confusing to patients, and frustrating to clinicians, as eating disorders contain both physical and psychological symptoms. The healthcare system, and managed care in particular, needs to begin to acknowledge this fact, and get onboard with the idea that providing treatment before and after critical conditions makes more sense for long-term recovery.

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Colleen Reichmann, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment of individuals with eating disorders and body image issues. She has worked at various inpatient eating disorder treatment facilities, and is the blog manager for Project HEAL. She lives in Virginia Beach with her husband and golden doodle and currently works at a group practice.

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Project HEAL is an organization that provides funding for individuals who cannot afford treatment for their eating disorder. Please visit the website if you would like to know more about this opportunity!

 

In most cases, being a “good enough” parent is just fine. But if your child becomes afflicted with an eating disorder like anorexia, bulimia or binge eating disorder, you need to take your parenting from good to great to help him or her heal.

The good news is that the key element that’s missing from your toolbox is not more time and physical effort. You do not need to work HARDER as a parent. Instead, you need to learn how you can work SMARTER to help everyone in the family heal.

Jim Collins is well known for his research into what it takes to transform a company from “good” to “great.” He studies organizations and noted several key differences between the good companies and the great companies. His book, Good to Great examined these differences.

One of the keys noted in great companies was their leaders. Specifically, companies that made the transition from good to great had a “Level 5 Leader.”

Collins was surprised when he identified Level 5 Leaders, because they did not behave like we expect the best business leaders to behave. They were not superstars or incredibly charismatic. They did not present themselves as smarter or better than others. They were not better organizers or known for years of business school. They were not arrogant.

Instead, he found that Level 5 Leaders who are able to transform a company from good to great have humility, and are operating from a powerful ambition for the good of the company, not the good of themselves. Because of their belief in the inherent skills and capabilities already within their organizations, they are fearless when it comes to taking effective action during challenging times.

As parents, we feel a lot of pressure to be great managers, or low-level leaders. Managers are responsible for making things happen. They buy supplies and schedule tasks and get people from A to B along a straight path.

You have been doing this since your kids were born. You plan great birthday parties, make sure they show up to school, and drive them all over town to practices, games and playdates. Such management is physically exhausting, but it’s not usually intellectually challenging.

But being a great manager in your family will only get you so far. When dealing with an eating disorder, your family needs you to elevate your parenting to Level 5 Leadership.

When you become a Level 5 Leader in your family, you provide your children with the guidance they need to perform at higher levels, which leads to greater success at school, in sports, at home, and when they battle an eating disorder.

Here are some key things to learn about making the transition to being a Level 5 Leader in your family:

1. Develop humility
So many times as parents, we feel we must be in control. We need to tell our kids what to do and when to do it, otherwise how will anything possibly get done?

To learn humility as a parent, you must learn that your kids are their own individual human beings, who have minds and talents and skills. When you develop humility, you recognize that you can honor your child’s uniqueness, and in no way does it impact their faith in you. In fact, the more you truly respect who they are, the more they will respect you.

You can also be humble when it comes to the eating disorder itself. Eating disorders take a powerful hold on the mind, and we must respect them for their power, even as we fight them valiantly. Entrenched eating disorders are not open to quick, simple fixes. Our humility allows us to endure the long haul required to beat them.

2. Ask for help
One of the things Collins noticed is that sometimes outsiders consider Level 5 Leaders “weak” because they ask for help. But the ability to reach out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, and it always leads to better outcomes.

Eating disorders are complex, and your guidance and love will be critical along the path to healing, but don’t hesitate to reach out to people who know more than you do about treating the disorder. Getting help is essential to supporting your child’s healing.

Asking for help in battling an eating disorder is not limited to medical professionals and therapists who will treat your child. You may need help from other parents when you have a therapy appointment that coincides with another one of your kids’ soccer game. You may need help from a friend in the middle of the night when you feel hopeless and ashamed and need to talk about it. You may need help from your parents in explaining how family gatherings need to be adjusted in light of the eating disorder. The ability to reach out for and accept help when you need it could be your single greatest asset in managing this disorder.

3. Take responsibility
Collins says that Level 5 Leaders look in the mirror when things go wrong, and out the window when things go right. This does not mean that you should ever blame yourself for your child’s eating disorder. There are so many genetic and environmental components contributing to eating disorders, and your shame and blame will not do your child any good along the road to healing. This is not your fault!

However, you can take the time to look in the mirror and reflect on ways in which you can improve as a parent who has a child with an eating disorder. We can all improve. There is no perfect parent in the whole world. We are all struggling to do our best. The difference is not that a Level 5 Leader thinks she can achieve perfection, but that she consistently takes responsibility for small improvements over which she has control.

While looking in the mirror, you may recognize that you have some disordered eating patterns of your own. Or perhaps you have struggled with body dissatisfaction. Or maybe you suffer from depression that you just haven’t had the time to treat. Take responsibility for developing, educating and healing yourself, and the benefits will be felt by the whole family.

4. Develop discipline
Level 5 Leaders are great disciplinarians where it matters. When they commit to a goal, no matter how difficult it is, they stick to their resolve. The energy behind their resolve is not that they will poke and prod their employees to achieve greatness, but rather that they believe their employees are capable of achieving greatness and they will work alongside them in the spirit of mutual passion.

It’s important to note here that Level 5 Leaders do not stick to a single way in which they must achieve their goal. If the goal is to get to the store, you can load your team into the car and head out. But if the car breaks down, the Level 5 Leader is not deterred; he finds a bus. When the bus starts heading the wrong way, he does not despair – he gets his people off the bus and starts walking with them. Whatever it takes, he maintains his leadership and gets his team to the destination.

Eating disorder recovery is not usually a straight path. There is no single guaranteed way to achieve healing. Something that works for a while might stop working. The key is discipline towards healing your child, and being open to different ways to achieve that goal.

5. Build a great team
Level 5 Leaders make sure that they get the right people on their team, and the wrong people off their team. Even if they might personally like a team member, they are brutally honest about whether that team member is contributing to the greater good of the organization.

You might need to build a team of therapists, nutritionists, yoga instructors, coaches, medical doctors, and more to achieve healing for your child. As a Level 5 Leader, you must be diligent in recognizing when one team member is not working well with the others.

You might find that you like someone, but your child does not. You have to constantly evaluate the people who are influencing your child’s healing process, and build a team that makes sense for your whole family and the ultimate goal of healing.

You Can Do This!

Level 5 Leaders are rare, but they do indeed exist everywhere. They are in the boardroom, on the field, in classrooms and in homes. Your Level 5 Leadership will make a huge impact on every single member of your family, not just the child who has an eating disorder. By striving towards Level 5 Leadership, you can take control of a situation that feels overwhelming. You cannot control your child, and you cannot control ED, but you can make a difference by being a Level 5 Leader.

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Read the book Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap and Others Don’t

Hey there, Mama!

Have you been burning the candle at both ends? Trying to be superwoman? Trying to make everything perfect for your family?

You may have heard, but in case you need a reminder, you need to STOP THE MADNESS!

You cannot possibly accomplish everything you’re trying to accomplish without taking better care of yourself. Check out this video we created about why you need to take time for yourself.

All Mamas need to learn this lesson, but if you’re a mother parenting a child who has an eating disorder like anorexia, bulimia or binge eating disorder, you need this message even more! You’re going to need to give everything you can to your family as your child heals from an eating disorder, but you can’t pour from an empty cup! You need to find ways to take care of yourself:

1. Accept love from others.
2. Get help when you need it.
3. Take time to replenish your body, mind and soul.

Sending you all the love you deserve today!

with Renee D. Rienecke, PhD, FAED

If you have a child with an eating disorder, it makes perfect sense for you to feel frustrated and even angry. This is a noted challenge when facing a child who has Anorexia Nervosa (anorexia), when every mealtime can become a battlefield.

But a parent who is feeling frustrated and angry can actually slow treatment down, which is why many therapists practicing Family Based Treatment (FBT) use a technique called “Externalization,” with the purpose of reducing child-focused criticism.

“Externalization of the illness goes a long way towards reducing negative emotions in the parents,” says Renee D. Rienecke, PhD, FAED, Director of the MUSC Friedman Center for Eating Disorders at the Medical University of South Carolina. “We sometimes use the ‘possession model’ in which we talk about the eating disorder as separate from the child. It fits, because many parents feel that something has possessed their child during mealtimes.”

Education also helps to reduce critical thoughts. “We spend time during family-based treatment explaining to parents that their child isn’t doing this for attention or to be difficult,” says Rienecke. “The eating disorder has taken over this area of their life, and it’s not a choice.”

“Our research into Expressed Emotion has led us to put a big emphasis on addressing parental criticism,” says Rienecke. “ We know that if the parents express a lot of criticism, the child will not do as well in treatment.”

Critical comments are judged based on the content, tone of voice and body language. “It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it,” says Rienecke.

“One way way to reduce parental criticism is to teach the parents how to focus their anger and frustration on the illness, not the child,” says Rienecke. “Remember that despite how frustrating anorexia can be, the frustration needs to be directed towards the eating disorder, not the child. Being critical of the child hurts treatment and recovery. We work hard to reduce parental criticism not just because it sounds nice, but because it is clinically demonstrated that it works better.”

“It’s important to remember that there is hope for recovery and to maintain your calm,” says Rienecke. “If you get critical, if you get angry, then everyone’s emotions escalate and get out of hand. But with patience and time, we can see the eating disorder start to recede, and the sweet kid that you love can come back.”

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Renee D. Rienecke, PhD, FAED, is the Director of the MUSC Friedman Center for Eating Disorders at the Medical University of South Carolina. She earned her Bachelor’s degree at the University of Michigan, her Ph.D. from Northwestern University, and completed her clinical psychology internship and postdoctoral fellowship at the University of Chicago. Her research interests include the role of expressed emotion in treatment outcome for adolescent anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. Website

I have yet to meet a parent who doesn’t get overwhelmed when thinking about all of the things necessary to steer the family ship.

There is complex tactical coordination, like getting everyone out the door in the morning to figuring out sports, music and school activities. And, of course, it’s not just about the kids’ schedules – parents have their own schedules to manage, too.

Then there are the emotional needs of your family. Each family member has his or her own unique communication style, emotional needs and developmental stage. And, of course, every one of them has good days, bad days, bored days, angry days, etc.

The combination of tactical and emotional coordination means that parents juggle a lot of balls every single day. And there are days when we drop balls everywhere.

The stress of caring for an ill child can send parents over the edge.

If you have a child with an eating disorder like anorexia, orthorexia, binge eating disorder or bulimia, your family is encountering massive stress. To add to the stress, many parents find it difficult to talk about eating disorders. If your daughter had cancer or diabetes, you would be more likely to discuss how her illness is impacting your life as a family, but eating disorders are not at the same level of social discussion.

We are social creatures, driven to connect with each other. But the stigma of mental illnesses can make it harder to find the support and connection you need and deserve when your child has an eating disorder.

Your child’s eating disorder is probably causing you intense pain, and you aren’t going to be able to be there for her unless you find ways to process your pain in the healthiest way possible.

Talk to someone. Find someone who will give you unconditional love and listen to your concerns, fears and even anger sometimes about the situation. It may be a therapist, coach, friend or family member, but it should be someone who can listen without judgement.

You deserve love during this time. The more love you give yourself, the more you will have available for her.

First of all, we send you all the love we can right now. It can be devastating to learn that your child is sick, and eating disorders like bulimia, binge eating disorder and anorexia carry with them a lot of confusion and misunderstanding. Please, take a deep breath, and know that you can get through this with love.

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT
Your guilt, shame or blame around the eating disorder will not help your child heal. Leave it behind, and focus on the future, not the past.

IT’S GOING TO TAKE TIME
Eating disorder recovery is possible, but it is not typically linear. Be patient with your child as she learns a new way to live.

YOU WILL NEED HELP
Parenting a child with a mental disorder is a major undertaking. Don’t make the mistake of going it alone. Get help.

GIVE MORE LOVE
This is a time for extreme caregiving. Your child is sick. Show unconditional love and support so that she can heal.

TOP TIP
Every member of the family will be impacted by the eating disorder in a different way. Talk openly and honestly about everyone’s feelings to minimize the negative impacts of the eating disorder.

Lori looked down at her shaking hands. The tears slipped down her cheeks. “I feel so guilty about this,” she whispered. “But I’m just too tired to handle my daughter’s eating disorder anymore.”

My heart opened up to Lori. She clearly felt guilty – maybe even ashamed of herself. But of course she was tired! In fact, I would expect her to be tired, irritated, and exhausted. Having a child in a mental health crisis is incredibly difficult, and almost all parents find themselves overwhelmed and burnt out at some point. This is due to something called compassion fatigue.

Compassion fatigue is a condition characterized by emotional and physical exhaustion leading to a diminished ability to empathize or feel compassion for others, often described as the negative cost of caring. It is sometimes referred to as secondary traumatic stress. 

Wikipedia

Lori’s fatigue makes sense. Her daughter has been hospitalized twice, and the whole family has been on high alert for over two years now. The constant strain and stress over the eating disorder have created the perfect conditions for compassion fatigue.

“I mean, I haven’t even been able to let her go to the bathroom by herself,” said Lori. “I’ve taken a leave of absence from work and have to monitor every meal and snack. I get almost no breaks.”

One of the things Lori is going to try to help her daughter get into recovery is to work on emotional regulation and validation of her daughter. But it will be very hard for Lori to succeed in either of these endeavors when she has active compassion fatigue. So our work needs to begin by addressing how hard this is for Lori and try to build up some strength before she takes on the emotional labor of supporting her daughter. That’s right: for Lori to help her daughter with her eating disorder, she must work on her compassion fatigue.

Parents with compassion fatigue + an eating disorder

Compassion fatigue is the bone-deep exhaustion that comes with caring for another person, especially if they have a mental or physical health condition. It’s commonly found in healthcare workers, care providers, and, of course, parents.

Compassion fatigue is something that most parents probably have a little bit of every single day. Our consistent care for the people in our families combined with paid work, volunteer work, and housework is typically already at the maximum level even without extenuating circumstances.

Parents managing a family member with a condition like anxiety, depression, and/or an eating disorder can find themselves overwhelmed with their loved ones’ needs. In these cases, if parents don’t take intentional action to care for their needs, they may experience compassion fatigue.

And make no mistake: having compassion fatigue when your child has an eating disorder will make things harder. There is no benefit to having compassion fatigue. And recovering from compassion fatigue will help you be more effective in helping your child with an eating disorder.

Symptoms of Compassion Fatigue

Compassion fatigue can cause symptoms that can significantly impact our ability to enjoy life and make it harder to care for our loved ones. Symptoms include:

• Blaming of other people both in and outside of your family
• A deep sense of being isolated and overwhelmed
• Increased behavioral addictions like drinking, overspending, and disordered eating
• Not caring for your hygiene and nutrition (e.g. showering, brushing hair, brushing teeth, eating regularly)
• Chronic physical ailments like back pain, recurrent colds, and gastrointestinal problems
• Recurring nightmares, difficulty sleeping, and a sense that you can never get enough sleep
• Mentally and physically tired and apathetic
• Activities that you once enjoyed are no longer interesting
• Difficulty concentrating
• Increased risk of anxiety, depression, and associated conditions

Care for yourself, too

It may seem impossible to imagine not giving all of ourselves to the people we love. But the fact is that if we fail to take care of ourselves as well, many of us will show symptoms of compassion fatigue. Since many of us don’t want to set boundaries and say “no” when things become too much for us, Compassion Fatigue is a way that our bodies step in and say “no” on our behalf.

Because as much as we want to do everything for everyone we love, we can’t pour from an empty cup. We simply must find a way to fill ourselves and meet our own needs to provide the care our loved ones need from us.

I know – your attention is already overwhelmed by managing a child who needs extra care on top of the everyday management of your family, and imagining having any additional attention to give to yourself seems ridiculous.

Here is a printable I created to help you spot the symptoms of Compassion Fatigue:

How to fit it all in

If you’re like most parents who have compassion fatigue, you probably feel you have no option. It probably seems like you have to keep doing everything you’re doing or everything will fall apart. I know this seems essential, but think of what we’re taught on the airplane. You cannot save anyone else if you don’t put on your oxygen mask first. Putting everyone’s needs before your own is a sure recipe for compassion fatigue. And the fact is that you will not be as effective at supporting your child’s needs if you have compassion fatigue.

For Lori, there are several things, including emotional co-regulation and validation, that will help her daughter recover from an eating disorder. But Lori can’t do these things until she has recovered from her compassion fatigue. Parenting a child with an eating disorder is hard. Your self-care must be at least as important as your child’s care. If you can’t imagine how this can be possible, then please get some support from a therapist or coach. Here are a few things they will likely have you get started with:

• Separate what you can reasonably do from what you cannot do
• Attend to your own essential needs (sleep, food, connection, etc.) before caring for others
• Delegate tasks to others where possible
• Relieve yourself of taking all the responsibility

If this sounds impossible, I understand! Please find a therapist or coach to help you determine the best way to juggle everything on your plate without sacrificing yourself.

See Our Guide To Parenting A Child With An Eating Disorder

One of the biggest challenges parents face in supporting their children with eating disorders like binge eating disorder, bulimia, orthorexia and anorexia, is the blame, guilt and shame they feel about how their child’s illness reflects upon them as parents.

As parents, we carry natural burdens when it comes to our children’s success and happiness in life. Our sense of burden can overtake us and negatively impact our ability to be the parents our children need. Of course, we want our children to succeed and be happy, but to place all of the responsibility of their future life in our hands is to ignore the fact that our children are their own people, and we are not their only influence in their lives.

To shoulder the blame for your child’s eating disorder is to assume that you alone control your child’s path in life. You don’t. You never have, and you never will. Your child is her/his own person. You cannot be blamed for anything s/he does or does not do. Seriously. None of us can control another human being.

Eating disorders are complex mental disorders with multiple interlinked causes. While it’s easy to assign blame to the child, the family, and our diet-obsessed culture, there is no single answer for why any person develops an eating disorder.

If you are carrying around blame associated with your child’s eating disorder, then you need to be gentle with yourself and work at unraveling your guilt and shame so that you can move forward as the parent they need right now.

I feel guilty about my child’s eating disorder

If you are thinking things like “I talked to her about achieving a healthy weight, and now she’s anorexic!” or “I always took her out for ice cream when she was sad, and now she is bulimic.” Sure, you can accept your guilty thoughts. You have made mistakes (all parents do!), but none of your mistakes could possibly single-handedly cause an eating disorder.

We all make mistakes. Look carefully at every guilty thought you have around your child’s eating disorder, acknowledge it, and then release it. We all do the very best we can, and what matters is what you do now that you know you have an eating disorder in the house.

I am ashamed of myself

Shame takes guilt to a deeper level. When you feel shame, you have a sense that you are deeply and inherently flawed as a parent. This means that those normal guilty thoughts turn ugly and against you as a person. When we feel shame, we believe that we are bad at our core. We believe that we are worthless and unlovable. Worst of all, shame also gives us the belief that there is nothing we can do to change our toxic selves.

And this is the problem with shame when we are parenting. Someone in deep shame cannot see any way to repair the mistakes they have made or improve the lives of those around them by learning new skills and behaviors. Shame is so debilitating and painful, that parents living in shame develop coping mechanisms such as avoiding deep contact with their children or even turning the blame upon their children to avoid the sense of failure they feel within themselves.

Shame is the worst possible feeling to live with, except, perhaps, the experience of living with a parent who feels ashamed. That’s right. As a parent who loves a child, you must find a way out of shame in order to help your child heal from an eating disorder. This is not simple or easy, but it is critical.

If you are feeling guilt and/or shame about your child’s eating disorder, then please find a trusted friend or, ideally, a licensed therapist, who can work through these issues with you and lessen the burden you are carrying. Even a few sessions with a therapist can make a huge impact on your ability to free yourself from guilt and shame, and move forward more powerfully as your child undergoes treatment for an eating disorder.