Category: Self Care

If you have a child who has an eating disorder, then you are likely seriously overwhelmed and stressed out. The best way to deal with this is to accept that having a child who has an eating disorder is really, really hard. Of course you’re struggling! Don’t try to deny the difficulties or ignore the hardship. Instead, take good care of yourself through the difficulties and hardships.

Here are 10 self-care tips to help you deal with the stress and anxiety of having a kid who has an eating disorder.

1. Take some deep breaths

When we are stressed out, we tend to get stuck up in our heads, with racing thoughts and a sense of panic. When we are up in our heads, we tend to breathe shallowly, which only adds to our anxiety. This is why taking a deep breath is so incredibly helpful. It may seem like the last thing you want to do, but stop whatever you are doing, and take 5-10 deep breaths. Close your eyes, breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth.

Save this animated gif to your phone and use it to help focus and guide your breathing:

2. Name your feelings

A lot of times when we feel overwhelmed and defeated, we become flooded by our emotions. Guess what happens next? We feel even more overwhelmed and defeated! Naming your feelings helps you gain a sense of understanding and control of the situation. Simply thinking about and writing down your feelings will help diffuse them.

Sit down for a moment and name your feelings. Write down at least 10 feelings that you’re having right now. Here is a great “Feelings Wheel” that you can save to your phone and pull up to help you name your feelings:

As you write each feeling down, take a moment to name the feeling and accept yourself out loud. For example, “I feel insecure. I accept you.” This will feel silly at first, but trust me, it will really help you get grounded and feel better.

3. Take a break from social media

Social media may seem like a great way to distract yourself and zone out, but it has been shown to increase anxiety for all of us. This is most likely due to the social comparison factor to which we are all susceptible. Basically, we see highly-curated and adorable posts from the people we follow, which makes us believe that everyone else is doing well while we alone are struggling. This is never actually true – everyone is struggling to different degrees.

Even as it says it connects us as humans, in almost all cases social media actually serves to make us feel more isolated and alone.

Take a few days, a week, or even longer off of your social media platforms. As you re-enter social media, do so mindfully, and carefully adjust your feeds so that they don’t make you feel bad. Pay attention as you scroll. If there are people and posts that make you feel bad about yourself, be ruthless about unfollowing, blocking, and hiding those people.

Maybe one day you can refollow, but right now you really don’t need to see other people’s faux-perfect lives. Find accounts and hashtags that feel benign and harmless to you. You may enjoy looking at silly dog videos, underwater shots, or beautiful landscapes. It doesn’t matter as long as it doesn’t trigger any strong feelings for you – just calm and peace.

4. Say “no” to one thing you usually say “yes” to

When we have the role of family caregiver, we can lose sight of our ability to say “no” when something doesn’t work for us for no reason other than we don’t want to do it. We tend to think we can only say “no” when we have a “real” conflict like another firm commitment. But we have to train ourselves to say “no” when we just don’t want to do something. Because we have to start seeing ourselves as a commitment.

Try saying “no” to one thing this week to which you typically would have said “yes.” Maybe it’s bringing homemade cookies to the bake sale, running to the drugstore for a last-minute supply for school, or texting with a nervous co-worker after hours. You can even (gasp!) say no to family events that are draining for you. Even when we love people deeply, we sometimes have to say “no” to doing things and being with them because we are depleted and need to rest.

5. Complete one task that will make you feel accomplished

When we’re overwhelmed by emotions and stress, sometimes it helps to feel we have some power in the world. With so many things out of our control sometimes taking on one small task and completing it can help us remember that we do have agency and power in our lives. The important thing is that you should choose a simple task that will take less than 10 minutes and will make you feel good when it is done.

For some of us, cleaning the whole house is awful, but one small cleaning project feels great. Try organizing the clutter on your bathroom counter, making your bed, folding the clothes you have crumpled in the corner of your closet, or any other small effort that will give you an immediate sense of accomplishment. Or maybe you prefer something body-based. Perhaps washing your hair, a 10-minute walk around the block or 10-minute stretching session will help.

Keep the task small and specific. Don’t overwhelm yourself by making it big and significant. Set a timer if you tend to overdo things. Most importantly, take a moment to appreciate your accomplishment when it’s done.

6. Call someone who thinks you’re awesome

Parenting can be a lonely, frustrating effort. When we have a child who has an eating disorder, it can be even harder to feel like we’re “doing it right.” Think of someone you know who thinks you’re awesome and give them a call.

Maybe it’s a parent, sibling, or another family member. Maybe it’s your college roommate or best friend from high school. Ideally, find someone who knows you as someone other than a parent who is struggling right now. Call a person who sees you as someone who is infinitely lovable and worthy. Someone who is fun to be around.

Find that person and call them. It’s OK to tell them that you’re feeling down and ask whether they can remind you of who you were/are. Unless they aren’t actually “your person,” they will feel honored to be your cheerleader.

7. Recognize the potential for positive change

Eating disorders can feel like a life sentence, but for the vast majority of us, they are not. Most of us recover from eating disorders, and many of us “spontaneously” recover in a way that seems sudden and “out of the blue.” In no way should we dismiss the eating disorder or ignore it, but we can try to approach it with the calm confidence that it will most likely resolve.

Have you ever tried the “Chinese Finger Trap?” Most people immediately pull their fingers apart and keep pulling in a fruitless attempt to escape, but the secret to getting out of the trap is to relax and let your fingers get closer together.

Have faith that positive change is possible. Remember that it usually comes from coming closer together rather than tensing and pulling apart.

8. Seek healthy distraction

It’s totally OK to seek ways to distract yourself when things get hard. Find healthy ways to take your mind off the eating disorder. Ideally, you’ll find some activities that are both soothing and engaging. Distractions, like walking the dog, coloring pages, reading short stories, and listening to an inspirational podcast, are all an excellent way to calm your nervous system, which is likely on full-alert.

Having a child who has an eating disorder is the very definition of stress. Allow your body and mind to relax with healthy distractions that will literally take your mind off your troubles and reconnect you with your sense of peace.

9. Watch caffeine and alcohol

You’re under tremendous stress, and in our culture, we have two well-known liquids that “help” us manage stress: caffeine and alcohol. One or two servings of each per day may be a perfectly normal way for you to gear up or wind down, but if you are exceeding a previously-determined “healthy” quantity of caffeine and alcohol, it may be a sign that you are reaching for unhealthy distractions and coping mechanisms.

It may start with an extra cup of coffee once per week, or an extra glass of wine on the weekends, but if you notice that your “extra” serving becomes part of what you do every day, then it may be time to slow down and seek healthier ways to cope with the stress you are under.

10. Make an appointment with a therapist

You may think that your child is the only one who needs therapy, but there’s a good chance that you would greatly benefit from some therapy as they go through eating disorder treatment. Parents who look closely at themselves and are able to be vulnerable and open about their own struggles can really help a child who is in recovery for an eating disorder.

If you feel you don’t want to see a therapist or can’t afford a therapist, consider seeking mental health support from a coach, social worker, counselor, or a trained religious advisor.

“Sometimes I just wish I could be hospitalized,” says a 40-something mom. “Not with anything deadly, but something that would give me an excuse to drop out of life for a little while so that I can catch up.”

Most of us have had this thought at some point. Or, worse, some of us even go further, and fantasize about getting cancer, being hit by a bus or getting in a terrible accident. This is not a joke. We don’t really want to die, but we desperately need a break, and we feel so stuck in our lives that we see the only way to take a break is to have something catastrophic happen to us.

Sound familiar?

If you’re one of more than half of 40-something moms who are stressed out, it’s very possible you are clinically depressed. If you had the time and energy to take yourself to a therapy session, you would probably talk about being “stressed out,” and worry that you’re complaining about “first world problems,” but your therapist would respond with a prognosis of depression.

How did this happen?

If you have a child who has an eating disorder, it is very likely that you are extremely stressed out and even depressed. This is not just because of the eating disorder diagnosis. The eating disorder may just be the final straw that pushes you over the edge because we live in a society that puts moms in a perpetual state of stuckness that sucks the very life out of us.

We are the most educated moms in history, and we are increasingly the primary breadwinners in our households. We pursue our careers with gusto, yet we are still expected to do the majority of household labor. Our work is endless. It’s not just about the time spent at the grocery store. We also spend time thinking about what we need in the house (to serve 3 meals and 2+ snacks every day), making a grocery list and configuring our schedules to accommodate the actual act of shopping.

This pre-work requires a tremendous amount of energy but is seldom recognized as part of what we do to keep our households running. Our partners may take out the trash, but we’re the ones who buy the trash can and make sure there are trash bags in the pantry. Our partners may cook a meal, but we’re the ones who buy the frying pans, wooden spoons, cutting boards and ingredients.

We are a highly-educated and capable generation of women. We have made huge strides in our careers, and yet many of us feel stuck and uninspired at work. The constant demands of work and at home reduce our performance and chances of promotion.

Our expectations as mothers have ballooned. While our own mothers rarely played with us or supervised homework, we feel compelled to fill our children’s hours with fulfilling enrichment and feel personally responsible when our children get C’s.

While our mothers slapped together bologna and American cheese sandwiches on Wonder Bread, we feel we must provide a variety of healthful options. We feel that sandwiches should be on sprouted grain bread and made with organic, locally-sourced ingredients, all of which we must purchase, of course.

We are doing this all. And we are angry. We are furious. We are overwhelmed. We are stressed out. We are filled with rage. We fantasize about catastrophe because it seems like the only way out. We are depressed.

And then our child is diagnosed with an eating disorder, which means that for all of the efforts we put into those enrichment activities and sprouted grain sandwiches, we still fucked up. We still have more to learn as mothers. Our attempt to be great has resulted in a shocking realization that our child still needs more from us.

So, because we are moms, we devote ourselves to our child’s eating disorder recovery. We take time off work to help our child. It is usually the mom who takes time off, and it’s often because we feel deeply compelled to fix all of our family’s problems. Statistics have shown that when a woman takes time off work in service of a sick family member, she stands to lose an average of $324,000 in lost wages and Social Security benefits.

Oh, fuck.

And now the real kicker comes in. We were raised with the belief that we could do anything, which has pushed us to attempt to do everything and do it perfectly. So we start to question our whole purpose in life. The thoughts go something like this: “I’m miserable in my career, my daughter is sick, I feel fat and unattractive, and my sex life sucks. Why did I make such bad choices in life?”

You see, even when society has failed us. Even when numerous individuals have set us up for our situation, we still blame ourselves. It’s insane, but it’s true.

And then we feel even more depressed. And our feelings of hopelessness and loneliness and stuckness snowball and trigger changes in our brain, and we become clinically depressed. That means we don’t just feel sad. We feel empty and hopeless.

Knowing that we can’t possibly afford to be depressed, we desperately seek ways to fix ourselves. Social media shouts at us all day about the benefits of meditation, yoga, exercise, whole foods, sex, and sleep. So, since we are good girls, we try to do all those things. But we still feel empty. And then we feel like we are failures. We can’t even care for ourselves. We are total losers. We grab for quick fixes like chocolate and alcohol to feel better, but we don’t.

We have fantasies about running away. We consider whether we could drop out of society and live off the grid. Maybe we can live off the land and never have to commute an hour each way to work, then pick up our kids, squeeze in attentive homework help, plan a healthful meal, take our child who has an eating disorder to therapy while madly running around to the grocery store, pharmacy and pet store to finish all our chores. Then we come home, cook the healthful meal, connect meaningfully with our children and … what … have sex?

Sex starts to feel like just another task on our to-do list. Even if we really like our partner and enjoy having an orgasm, the energy it takes to get in the mood, and the sense of giving one more thing to one more person is a total turn-off. So we may “call it in” and agree to half-hearted sex once in a while, but we begin to resent our partner for having sexual needs when we can barely meet the needs of everyone else on our backs.

As our fantasies of dropping out increase, we find small ways to rebel. We emotionally break down in our cars mid-commute. We sob and rage in between meetings. We drink too much. We smoke furtively when nobody is watching. We flirt with strangers or reconnect with old flames. We have affairs. We binge-watch television. We stop having sex with our husbands. We develop online shopping habits or online gambling habits. We are miserable. We are depressed.

We feel as if we will never, ever catch up. We are on a perpetual hamster wheel.

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This article is about acknowledging the depression our generation of mothers is living with. Perhaps if we begin acknowledging what is going on for all of us, we can build self-compassion for ourselves individually and as a cohort of women.

Perhaps if we acknowledge that we are depressed, we will seek treatment and support. This will require changes in our lives, as well as those of everyone for whom we care. This will be hard. This is not easy. But we cannot sustain this hamster wheel forever. Something has to change.

Sending you love, today and always.

Many of us depend on alcohol to cope with daily life stressors. We have been raised in a culture that encourages drinking alcohol as a way to relax and enjoy ourselves, so is it any surprise that many of us reach for alcohol to celebrate, to relax, and to unwind?

When we have a child who has an eating disorder, life, which is already stressful, can feel even harder. It’s no surprise that we reach for something to soothe ourselves, to take care of ourselves, and to feel better. And alcohol is right there, a faithful, sophisticated friend that is always willing to step in and make our night more fun.

Alcohol brands have even developed a target audience specifically for moms looking for a break from “Mom-ing.” Pretty labels and a vast array of glasses and mugs with witty phrases are only the tip of the iceberg of how alcohol has been marketed directly to mothers.

One of the problems with how we drink is that it seems there are only two types of people: alcoholics, and the rest of us. This binary thinking means that we can believe that if we don’t live up to the narrative regarding the type of person who goes to Alcoholics Anonymous (someone who hits rock bottom and is facing serious consequences for their drinking), then we must be OK.

But alcohol dependency, in which we find ourselves driven to seek a glass or two (or three, or four …) of wine at the end of a long day, deserves our attention, too. Most of us are not “alcoholics,” but many of us are dependent on alcohol.

Alcohol makes a stressful life more stressful

One of the biggest things to consider when we look at our drinking habits is to consider whether alcohol is really improving our lives. The media presents alcohol as a great stress reliever, and a great way to have a wonderful time with friends, but is that true?

Take a minute to think about your last several experiences with alcohol. Did you truly have a wonderful time? Was the wine helpful in decreasing your stress? Now think about it again. The first glass was probably great. It made you feel good to take that first sip, and it did seem to take the edge off and loosen you up.

But what about the second glass? Did you really enjoy it? Did it really add to your sense of relaxation and enjoyment? Or were you just chasing that initial feeling you got with the first sip? What about the third glass? The fourth?

Did you wake up at about 3 a.m. with regret and a promise to drink less next time? Did you wake up with a hangover, or feeling groggy and headachy? Was it worth whatever you got from that extra glass? When you were feeling bad, did you promise to drink less from now on, and then find yourself right back in the same position the following morning?

It’s important to note that alcohol is a depressant that always worsens the level of stress and despair we feel in our daily lives. The loosening up we feel in social situations is something that may be fine if we can stop at one glass, but if we’re reaching for more, then it’s unlikely that the alcohol is improving our social experiences.

The stress release we feel with the first sip after a long day may be a great way to take a seat and focus on our own needs for a while, but by the second glass, it’s unlikely we really feel less stressed than we did in the beginning. We may feel numb, but that is entirely different from less stressed.

Alcohol is addictive; there’s a good chance you’re addicted

Alcohol is addictive. Alcohol is not only addictive to people who go to a meeting and say “I am an alcoholic” as a way of introduction. Alcohol is addictive for all of us, and anyone who drinks will build some level of addiction to alcohol.

“Alcohol is the most commonly used addictive substance in the United States: 17.6 million people, or one in every 12 adults, suffer from alcohol abuse or dependence along with several million more who engage in risky, binge drinking patterns that could lead to alcohol problems.” (NCADD)

Due to its addictive nature, over time we become increasingly dependent upon alcohol and increasingly blind to its negative impact on our health and well-being. Even if we never hit “rock bottom” and identify as an alcoholic, chronically depending on alcohol to cope with life comes with many downsides and no upsides.

Alcohol is one of the top five most addictive substances in the world. It shares this distinction with heroin, cocaine, barbiturates and nicotine. Because it’s legal, and because many supermarkets devote a significant portion of their floor space to alcohol sales, we think of alcohol as somehow different. But make no mistake: it is an addictive drug.

“Addiction is defined as a chronic, relapsing brain disease that is characterized by compulsive drug seeking and use, despite harmful consequences. It is considered a brain disease because drugs change the brain; they change its structure and how it works. These brain changes can be long-lasting and can lead to many harmful, often self-destructive, behaviors.” (NIH)

Most of us never think of ourselves as addicted to alcohol. We think that we just enjoy drinking. We like the taste. We like the way it takes away our stress. But the fact is that alcohol is addictive, and that means that if we’re using it regularly, we are very likely addicted to it.

We’re not alone. “An estimated 5.3 million women in the United States drink in a way that threatens their health, safety, and general well-being.” (NIAA)

Alcohol is numbing you so that you don’t have to deal with your child’s eating disorder

Take a deep breath now. This is a tough one.

If you’re using alcohol to help you unwind … if you’re using alcohol to take care of yourself … if you’re using alcohol regularly as a coping mechanism, then you are likely using alcohol as a way to numb yourself to the challenges you face in life right now.

Having a child who has an eating disorder feels absolutely awful. Mothers, especially, can’t help but feel responsible for the development of an eating disorder, even though eating disorders develop based on a broad variety of factors.

On top of our guilt towards our child, we feel shame in a society that holds mothers on pedestals until they tear them down ruthlessly as heartless monsters who ruined their kids’ lives.

Then there’s the logistical and financial nightmare of caring for a child who is sick.

This sucks. I’m so sorry. But turning to alcohol to numb yourself because you can’t cope with this difficult situation is only going to make things worse.

In the privacy of your thoughts, do you worry about your drinking? Many of us do. It’s OK. But it also means it’s time to make a change. Just like our kids can’t cut out their eating disorders without replacing their maladaptive coping mechanism with new tools for self-care, we can’t cut out alcohol without building better self-care routines.

We don’t have to attend AA meetings, but getting together with other mothers in supportive alcohol-free environments will help us build our sense of belonging, reduce loneliness, and create a community that can help us stand up when we feel unable to do so by ourselves.

We don’t have to give up alcohol, but we do have to look at alcohol straight in the face and notice whether it’s actually helping or harming our ability to parent through our child’s eating disorder.

Our first reaction will always be: yes, it’s helping! But look deeper. Look at how you feel after too many glasses. Look at how you feel after having too much again after you promised yourself you wouldn’t. Consider whether there are other ways that you can care for yourself during your child’s recovery from an eating disorder that doesn’t involve an addictive substance.

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If you think that you may be using alcohol to cope with the stresses of parenting a child who has an eating disorder, consider reading “This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol: Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change Your Life” by Annie Grace. It provides a helpful model for people who don’t fit cleanly into the “alcoholic” category, but are concerned about their alcohol use.

No parent wants to see their child suffer. When our children have eating disorders, we can feel helpless, frustrated and even angry. Eating disorders are complex illnesses that require multi-faceted treatment. This treatment can be expensive, lengthy and, at times, appear not to be working. And many times parents feel they must just sit by, watching and waiting, paying and paying, while hoping their child will get better.

Get help and support

Some parents have found that a child’s eating disorder illuminates their own struggles with dieting, body image, perfectionism, depression, and anxiety. All of these are elements of disordered eating, and almost every person in our society today struggles with at least one of these challenges.

If you’re interested in therapy, find yourself a therapist who can help you process the emotions that come up during your child’s treatment. There are two primary types of therapy: psychodynamic and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

Psychodynamic therapy is what we typically think of with therapy – it involves going back in time to look at underlying components of disordered thought patterns.

CBT, on the other hand, tends to focus more on managing the symptoms of disordered thought patterns by learning mindfulness-based tools.

Another option is to hire a life coach who can be your partner as you work on the day-to-day challenges of living with a child who has an eating disorder.

Whichever route you choose, getting professional support for your own emotions during your child’s treatment can make a significant impact on your ability to effectively help your child heal from an eating disorder.

Go easy on yourself

While your child is undergoing treatment for an eating disorder, you will be experiencing significant personal stress. Physically, you will likely be working hard to get your child to treatment sessions, as well as finding ways to be more physically present with your child while at home.

Emotionally, your child will be processing a lot of disordered thoughts. Parents are on the front line for receiving these disordered thoughts, and there is no doubt that they can be deeply upsetting. Some children will use blame and attack against a parent as a coping mechanism for their own disordered thoughts.

Financially, you are likely putting out significant money in order to pay for eating disorder treatment, which is chronically under-reimbursed in the medical insurance setting. While insurance may cover the most extreme cases of illness in which a child needs to be hospitalized and medically stabilized, they rarely cover the ongoing costs required to actually heal the mental side of the disorder.

The bottom line is that you are under a tremendous amount of stress right now. Go easy on yourself whenever you can. Find a friend who is a good listener, and share coffee or a walk when you need some support.

You may find that you need more sleep than usual. Go to bed earlier and wake up later if you can. Even consider naps when needed. If you feel tired and there is any way that you can sleep, do it. Your brain needs to recharge even more than usual during stressful periods.

Be sure that you are nourishing your own mind and body even as you try to help your child learn to nourish themselves. Don’t forget to eat regularly, and drop your own attempts to control your weight or body shape. Move your body if it feels good, but don’t push yourself right now.

Don’t be afraid to be involved in treatment

Many parents have told stories about therapists who explicitly tell them to “stay out of it” and others who subtly suggest that the parents have “already done enough damage,” and have nothing positive to add to treatment.

This attitude is deeply damaging to parents who are desperate to have healthy children, and it does not support full recovery from an eating disorder. Parents are often crucial to the healing process, even if their child is an adult living outside the home.

Talk to your child and your child’s treatment team to determine the best way for you to stay involved and support the healing process.

Don’t feel guilty

Many people who have eating disorders can link certain triggers to the parenting they received. While this can feel overwhelming to a parent, it is important to know that a qualified therapist can work with you and your child to pursue healing – not blame – in response to any mistakes parents made during their child’s development.

We all make mistakes. No parent is perfect, and parents cannot be held solely responsible for any child’s eating disorder. Feeling guilty will not help you support your child’s healing process.

Work with your child’s therapist to determine the best way to handle the process of forgiveness on both sides.

With tentacles impacting us on emotional and physical levels, eating disorders are complex and tenacious. You may have struggled with an eating disorder for decades, or been in recovery for decades, or are just now recognizing your disordered eating patterns, but whatever your stage in eating disorder recovery, having a child who is also struggling makes the situation even more complex.

But the good news is that eating disorders – both your own and your child’s – can be fully overcome. With the right approach, you can accelerate both of your recoveries if you approach recovery as a family effort rather than an individual fight. Here are some tips:

Talk to the pros

You probably have a lot of complex feelings surrounding being a parent who has an eating disorder and who is parenting a child who has an eating disorder. You may be feeling shame, fear, and guilt. It would be completely normal to worry that you somehow caused your child’s eating disorder or that your child “caught” it from you. You must carefully navigate the fact that these feelings can be deeply triggering for your own eating disorder.

Talk openly and often with your therapist about how to parent while you are in treatment for an eating disorder. You need to make time for self-care even as you care for your family. The longer you have had your eating disorder, the longer your treatment may take.

Stabilizing your behaviors may seem like the biggest challenge, but lasting recovery is about learning emotional tools and practicing them over time, in the face of new stressors. Your therapist will recognize that your child’s condition is one of the greatest stressors you can face, and will support you in managing this process.

Meanwhile, talk to your child’s therapy team about how your own disorder may interact with your child’s eating disorder. This situation is not as unusual or difficult as it may seem to you – many of us with eating disorders have children who develop their own unique form of disordered eating.

The professionals who are working with your child will not be shocked or blame you. They will actually be relieved that you are aware and open about your own disorder rather than remaining unaware of it.

They will be compassionate and understanding, and can truly help make the process easier for everyone. Just keep the communication lines open with treatment teams on both sides of the equation to ensure you are both being treated properly.

Heal yourself

Healing from an eating disorder is not just about weight or food. It’s much more about learning to care for yourself assertively even as you provide care to others. It is not unusual when a child develops an eating disorder for parents to become singularly focused on that child’s healing process, often sacrificing their own needs in the process. This isn’t healthy for anyone, but it is especially dangerous if you have an eating disorder of your own, as it could trigger dangerous behaviors.

We must heal ourselves even as we focus on being the best parent we possibly can. Trust the experts when they assure you that you should heal yourself to help your child fully heal. This isn’t because your child’s eating disorder is your fault. It’s because there is no better model for a child who has an eating disorder than watching a parent become whole and lovingly assertive about their own needs.

If you’ve been putting off your own treatment to support everything else that’s going on in your life, then stop. You need to prioritize your recovery and get the love you need in order to give the love your whole family needs right now. There is simply no way around it. So get the help you need, ask for more help than you think you need, and devote yourself to your recovery process.

Don’t make assumptions about your child’s eating disorder based on your own eating disorder

Even though you have your own eating disorder, it is important to bring openness to your child’s eating disorder treatment. That means you should not make assumptions about what your child is doing or feeling and you should not interfere with treatment plans unless you have carefully evaluated your motivations for doing so.

None of us experience an eating disorder in exactly the same way. Every person creates their own version of an eating disorder, so even if you and your child have the same DSM diagnosis (anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa or binge eating disorder), it does not mean that your child is behaving or feeling the same way you do/did.

Just because you and your child both have an eating disorder does not mean that you are an expert on the eating disorder they are experiencing. You are also not likely the best person to criticize their treatment without being extremely conscious of the process. That does not mean you should stay out of it, but you should be cautious and check your assumptions before making any major changes to something that your child’s treatment team has suggested.

Remember to keep the communications line wide open, and work with your own therapist to better understand how you can be a parent in recovery who is also able to navigate the recovery system for a child.

Practice assertively expressing emotions at home

While we all use our eating disorders slightly differently, many of us use them as a way to communicate something with our body that we are unable to communicate with words. Every person in recovery from an eating disorder needs to build their emotional vocabulary and build skills in communicating emotion assertively.

Your whole family should be a part of this skill-building activity, whether they have an eating disorder or not. Work on emotional vocabulary and expression, expanding both the number of words you use to define emotional states and the number of times you express how you feel at any given moment.

This will be a rocky path. Very few people are used to expressing emotion and thus do it very awkwardly and aggressively in the beginning. This awkward, aggressive stage is exactly why healing can be accelerated in a home when everyone is on board. It can be really helpful to remind everyone that you’re all learning how to talk about these things, and that awkward, aggressive expression does not mean that the emotion is wrong, just that you are all learning how to express emotion.

Building this skill into your family could be the single most important aspect of full recovery for both you and your child. As you all learn to talk about how you feel, emotions don’t need to be ignored (restriction), stuffed down (binging) or eliminated (purging).

If your friend has a child with an eating disorder, it can help for you to know the dos and dont’s of helping them cope. We are writing this article in hopes that it will be discovered by and shared with the many extended family members and close family friends who want to support their friend who has a child that has been diagnosed with an eating disorder.

These are just a few of the things to consider when supporting a friend who has a child with an eating disorder:

Those may seem like simple requests, but they’re often not easy. Here’s some more information for you:

Don’t blame me

Eating disorders are complex, and combine genetic, social, environmental and many other factors. Please don’t immediately assume that there is something wrong with the way I’ve parented. It’s natural for you – especially if you are also a parent – to seek the reason behind my child’s eating disorder in order to feel as if you can avoid the same fate, but eating disorders are much larger than parents.

Do understand I’m freaking out

There’s a lot of stigma associated with having a child who has a mental illness. I am walking around constantly worried about not only having a sick kid but wondering whom I can trust with this information. Who will understand? Who won’t judge me? Who will help? And even though I just told you that it’s not my fault, I’m a parent, and I’m pretty much feeling guilty every single minute. What could I have done? What should I have done? What did I do wrong?

Do see my exhaustion

I have a sick kid. I need to shuttle my sick kid back and forth from all sorts of appointments. Eating disorders aren’t the parents’ fault, but parents are key to recovery, so I have made changes to our home and our family behaviors. I’m doing absolutely everything I can to help my sick kid right now. And I still have all my other responsibilities. I’m totally overwhelmed and exhausted right now.

Do learn about eating disorders before talking about them with me

I’m not just talking about a vague memory of knowing someone who had an eating disorder who you knew. And I really don’t want to hear about your college roommate who was hospitalized and ultimately died young. I’d love it if you learned about the latest research on eating disorders. I’d be thrilled if you knew about some of the treatments we’re working through, how we’re approaching food and body image, and how we’re working on this as a family.

Don’t make assumptions

A very, very small portion of people who have eating disorders “look” sick. Most people who have eating disorders are in the normal weight range. Please don’t assume that my child has anorexia, needs to be hospitalized, needs to be underweight, or needs to go to a treatment center. When you make well-meaning assumptions like that, I may feel self-conscious or defensive when I tell you that my child has a different eating disorder, or is in a larger body, or is working with a therapist just once a week. Eating disorders don’t all look the same, and they are all a hard to handle regardless of how they look on the outside.

Do talk to me about this

It’s very difficult for me to find people who are willing to listen without prejudice or fear when I talk about what I’m going through. It’s hard, because I’m taking responsibility for the healing process, and trying to change a lot of things about how we live, and that may make you think that it means I’m guilty. It’s impossible for me to feel safe talking to someone who thinks I’m guilty of my child’s illness. But I would love to talk to you if you would listen and just recognize that I’m a parent going through a hard time, doing my best, fighting for my child’s future.

Do let me cry

I may cry at inappropriate times. I’m very vulnerable. I don’t want you to feel like you’re walking on eggshells with me, and it would mean so much if it was OK with you if I know it’s OK if I break down in tears sometimes. I really need a shoulder to cry on right now. The emotions circulating our house right now are HUGE, and most of them seem to be falling on my shoulders. I don’t want to be a downer, and I know it can be really uncomfortable, but it would mean so much if I could open up about my sadness when I’m with you.

Do be kind to my children

My child who has an eating disorder is very fragile right now. Eating disorder treatment is about so much more than eating and weight. It’s a process of learning to internalize a sense of self-worth and tolerate and communicate feelings. Please avoid any discussions about food and weight when you are around my child. But also pay attention to my child’s emotional state, and give him or her care, support, and love. Meanwhile, my other children may be feeling annoyed, left out, and even jealous. If you can, please involve them in conversation so they feel seen and heard, too.

Don’t be offended if …

I may act oddly sometimes. For example, if you show up for a visit with a giant box of chocolates, I may feel awkward. My child is undergoing treatment for an eating disorder, so food is a hot button right now. If you invite my family to a big meal at your home, I may have to say no. This is not because we don’t want to be with you, but my child may not be able to handle a food-based event right now. If you make a comment in front of me about anybody’s weight, I may walk away from you. Weight is a serious topic of discussion for us right now, and I know it’s part of normal society to comment both positively and negatively about other people’s weight, but I may not be able to handle it. There are so many social situations that I may flub until I figure out how to navigate the world given what we’re going through.

Do trust my judgment

I’m not sure that I’m making the right choices right now, but I am consulting therapists and experts, and doing what I think is best for my child and my family. I’m sure that you have some excellent ideas about how treatment should go, or what we should be doing, but please keep them to yourself unless I ask you specifically for your opinion. I know that it’s hard to listen and feel like you could make things better with your treatment ideas, but truly, the way you can make things better for me is to trust that the professionals we have hired are giving me what I need right now.

But really – what can I actually DO to help?

These are all wonderful ways of responding to your friend emotionally. But sometimes friends pull back or withdraw during a crisis. And sometimes we just want to do something tangible and physical. Usually, it’s best to keep it simple, anticipate needs rather than ask what you can do, and be specific about what you’re offering. And most of all, these should be gifts with no expectation of a long chat or catch-up in return. Pay attention to your friend’s responses and if you think they are feeling guilty or in debt to you for your help rather than grateful in an uncomplicated way, do less. Here are some ideas:

1. Do Bring Meals or Order Delivery

Don’t ask them in advance: don’t add pressure by asking what they want or when they want it. Just do your best and guess. Pick something that can be frozen or refrigerated for another night.

Don’t knock on the door: just leave the food on the doorstep and text your friend when you’ve left. This is a no-obligation gift that requires no emotional energy on the part of the recipient. You can say “Hey! I was thinking of you and left some dinner on your doorstep xoxo”

2. Do Bring Flowers or Have them Delivered

Don’t knock on the door: just leave them on the doorstep and text your friend when you’ve left. This is a no-obligation gift that requires no emotional energy on the part of the recipient. You can say “Hey! I was thinking of you and left some flowers on your doorstep to brighten your day xoxo”

3. Do Offer Cleaning/Gardening Service

This can be a bit tricky, but if you think it would be appreciated by your friend, say something like: “I know you have a lot going on, and I’d like to help. Would it be OK if I sent Kyle over with the lawnmower on Saturday morning for you?” or “I know it’s always a treat when Merry Maids comes to my house – would you accept a gift from me of a cleaning service one day next week?”

4. Do Offer to Run Errands

You can say something like: “Hey, I’m running to the grocery store this afternoon. Would you like to send me your list and I’ll pick up what you need and drop it off for you?”

Don’t require them to invite you in when you bring the groceries. Either leave the groceries on the doorstep or help get the groceries inside, but don’t linger unless you sense they have the emotional capacity and interest in talking.

5. Do Offer to Drive to Appointments in a Pinch

Be specific about the times you are available to help.

You can say something like: “Hey, I know you have a lot of appointments and are driving around a lot right now. I wanted to let you know that I’m available on Tuesday and Thursday 12-6 if you ever need to use me as a taxi service. Please don’t hesitate to ask if you need it! xoxo

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It can be hard to support a friend whose child has an eating disorder. Thank you for learning and trying!

When our children develop eating disorders, we tend to jump into action and place all the work on our own shoulders. Helping a child heal from an eating disorder can easily become all-encompassing, especially for high-achieving, perfectionist mothers.

Many of us feel the need to scale back on our career goals and feel we have to sacrifice time with our husbands and other children in order to support our child with an eating disorder. It goes without saying that we sacrifice meaningful time with our friends and other “optional” relationships to focus on our sick child.

But we must realize that this is neither healthy or necessary. Additionally, we can actually impede the healing process if we sacrifice our own mental health for the sake of our child’s.

If we only focus on our children’s eating disorders and lose sight of our own needs, our children will not heal. Even during the process of eating disorder recovery, we need to pay attention to our own needs as mothers, women, and daughters. We need to avoid isolation more than ever and gain the support we need. Isolation works against us – it leads to mental illness, addiction, and physical illness.

Our children know that if we are suffering emotionally, they will suffer emotionally. If we are unable to get our emotional needs met, they will be unable to get their emotional needs met.

Our children can sense when our career plans stall. They can sense when our marriages become unhappy. They can sense when we feel as if we are failing at parenting our other children. And our children who have eating disorders feel that they are responsible for these breakdowns in our lives.

They feel it, and it puts them in the uncomfortable position of trying to simultaneously get their needs met while trying not to add to our burdens. It means that even as we put our hearts and souls into helping them heal, they are not able to do so fully as long as they are crippling us in the process.

This is why we need to remember that taking care of ourselves as mothers, women, and daughters ourselves, is critical. We are simply unable to meet our children’s needs if we are not healthy ourselves.

Mothers are under immense pressure and perform under conditions of extreme isolation.

It is no wonder that we struggle to mother our daughters. It is no wonder that we are often unable to provide the nourishment they need to thrive because we ourselves are starving for affection, attention, support, and love.

We are exhausted and trying so hard to be perfect and strong. But in trying to achieve perfection, we have become brittle, and are sometimes unable to nurture our daughters through their own trials.

We can become better mothers for our daughters. We can guide them through their anxiety and depression and help them recover from eating disorders, but it will require us to face our own needs as mothers, women, and daughters.

We can not, and should not, expect to carry the burden by ourselves. We must not isolate ourselves and try to fix our daughters by ourselves. We must not use perfection as our main parenting tool.

We must seek partners, family members, friends, and professionals who can work with our daughters. We must also seek trusted people who can help us learn to love ourselves as mothers, women, and daughters. We must learn to ask for help and to accept the love and attention that we desperately seek and deserve for ourselves. As we learn to reach out for our own needs as mothers, we will be able to nourish our daughters through eating disorder recovery.

We do not have to go it alone. We do not have to make our daughters go it alone. We can pull together and help each other rise up as a community of women, mothers, and daughters.

We can stop the descent we are all headed towards of overwhelm, depression, anxiety and disordered eating.

We can stop the dangerous obsession with our bodies, and focus instead on the beauty of our hearts and minds.

We can, and we will.

If you are a mom who has a child with an eating disorder, then chances are good that you laugh maniacally when people suggest you care for yourself. How can you possibly care for yourself when there is so much to do?!?!?

But the fact is that if you don’t care for yourself, you will burn out. It may be in small ways, it may be in spectacular ways, but make no doubt about it, you will burn out if all you do is give, give, give.

As important as it is for you to give love to your child who is struggling with an eating disorder, it is equally important for you to learn to accept love to refill your reserves. Love is infinite – but only if you replenish it. Energy, on the other hand, is absolutely not infinite. So you must learn to take in more love so you can give more love, but you must also learn to prioritize the things you need to do so that you can manage your energy.

I know you can’t possibly imagine having any time for any of this, but please consider some of the following self-care activities for yourself:

Ask for emotional care

You may not even realize that you have become spectacularly bad at getting your own emotional needs met. But you need to get better, and it all begins with actively telling your family how they can take care of you. We said this article was about self-care, but a big part of self-care is learning to ask for care from others.

After a long day, ask your partner for a hug. A long, good hug. Not a quick, sort-of hug. Before you take her to her friend’s house, ask your daughter to sit next to you on the couch and tell you one thing about her day, then tell her one thing about your day. Call your mom, best friend, or biggest fan, and tell her that you are in desperate need of hearing what’s good about you. It’s a shameless request for adoration, and you freaking need it!

Ask for your own connection and attention needs clearly, directly, and with no apologies and no excuses. Don’t whine. Don’t nag. Just ask for what you need when you need it. Aside from being good for your soul, it’s great for your family to see what it means to ask for emotional caretaking.

Pay attention to the good stuff

It’s too easy in life to notice only the bad stuff. Our brains are hard-wired to pay attention to the negatives, glossing over the positives. It is critical in learning to care for yourself to actively and consciously pay attention to the good things that are done for you throughout the day.

For example, maybe your partner makes you coffee every morning. Sure – you might do 500 other things, but that one thing – that coffee – is important. Don’t forget that it was a nice thing, and other people do nice things for you. Pay attention!

Maybe your daughter was at the mall and bought you a silly little lip gloss that you will never use, and you can’t figure out why she bought it. Doesn’t she know you have 25 lip glosses already? Plus, you had to drive her both ways, and didn’t she use your money to buy it? Still. At some point in her day, your daughter thought of you. Other people think about you. Pay attention!

Whenever someone thinks of you – no matter how small (or lame) the thought – grab onto it and pay attention. Ignore the nasty voice in your head that wants to tell you how much you do vs. the other person. That voice will not help you feel better. That voice is a bitch. Don’t listen. Instead, pay attention to every little thing that anyone in the world does for you.

The little things will start to get sticky in your mind. You will feel better. Plus, you will start providing pure (not bitter) positive feedback when you receive good things, and the other people in your life will start to do more good things because positive (not bitter) feedback feels really good and motivates them to seek more of it. It’s like magic. Except it’s not. It’s totally something in your power.

Take a timeout

You don’t have to always be on the clock. It’s OK for you to check out sometimes. Just do it intentionally. Don’t slump down on the couch with your phone and mindlessly scroll through Instagram. It’s almost guaranteed that at that very minute someone will come in and ask you to do something for them. Then you’ll be even grumpier than before.

Instead, actively put yourself in a timeout, preferably away from your family in a quiet place where they can’t interrupt you. If you want to mindlessly scroll through Instagram, announce that you are going to your room for 15 minutes to rest. Savor every single minute of mindlessness. Your partner might do this regularly in the bathroom. Don’t be afraid to try this very effective technique!

Or take yourself for a walk. This is a great solution because if you go for a 15-minute walk, there is no reason for you to take your phone with you. That means nobody can text you, call you, knock on the door, or otherwise hunt you down to ask you where the peanut butter is or whether they can go to a friend’s house. Don’t take your phone, just announce that you are going for a device-free walk, and leave the house.

Find ways big and small to actively remove yourself from the center of the household. Take baby steps at first if you must, but be persistent in taking up your own space in your family’s life. You don’t have to go away for a girl’s weekend or get your nails done to take “me time” – those things happen only once in a while. But you can take several mini-breaks every single day, and viola – you’ll be a self-care queen in no time!

Most important of all, don’t stress out about self-care. It doesn’t need to be a big deal. Most of the time it’s just about noticing, paying attention, speaking up, and taking up your own space. You can do it! Your family will benefit – they may not always like it, but they will definitely benefit!

Many parents live in a state of constant anxiety:

• Am I doing the right thing for my child?
• Am I doing the right thing for my marriage?
• Am I doing the right thing for my career?

• What will happen if …
• How will I handle …
• Will I ever …

The voices in our heads are unrelenting and demanding of our time and energy. It feels as if we can never do enough to be the perfect parent.

If you have a child with an eating disorder like binge eating disorder, bulimia or anorexia, these feelings just get an extra kick in the pants. Not only do you have the “regular” struggles of parenting, you may also have the sense that you have to save your child from herself. And, no matter how many times the experts tell you it’s not your fault, you probably still worry that it is.

• If only I had …
• I should have …
• It wouldn’t have happened if I …

If you are nodding your because this is how you feel, please relax and take a deep breath right now. Your desire to be a perfect parent is perfectly understandable, but it is also perfectly unreasonable. It is likely that you are in the early stages of an energetic crisis, and that will not help anyone in your family.

An “Energetic Crisis” is when your body develops symptoms due to emotional stress. It’s like a white flag from your body, trying to tell your mind to chill out! Common symptoms are repeated colds/flus, IBS, joint pain, back pain, depression, etc. 

Here are some signs that you’re on your way to an energetic crisis:

• You rush around, often bumping into things and dropping things as you go.
• You increasingly make calendar errors like forgetting appointments and double-booking yourself.
• Your memory seems impaired and it feels like you can’t actually hear things as people are speaking to you.
• You have a constant low-level sense of panic.

These signs may seem like something that you just have to live with, but they are actually a really big deal. These physical signs are an indication that your ability to “captain” your family’s ship is in danger.

Here are some things to consider if you are feeling the overwhelm described above:

• Find a therapist or a coach who can work with you on your expectations and perfectionism tendencies.
• Find a way to connect with your body every day using meditation, yoga or gentle exercise like walking.
• Talk to your partner about how you can balance your stress in the family.
• Build a community of helpers who can help you steer the family ship.

Remember, taking steps to balance your own energy is not selfish. It is critical to the health and wellness of everyone in your family, especially your child who has an eating disorder. Your balance, calm and ability to soothe her are critical to her healing, but you absolutely can’t show up for her if you are in your own crisis.

I have yet to meet a parent who doesn’t get overwhelmed when thinking about all of the things necessary to steer the family ship.

There is complex tactical coordination, like getting everyone out the door in the morning to figuring out sports, music and school activities. And, of course, it’s not just about the kids’ schedules – parents have their own schedules to manage, too.

Then there are the emotional needs of your family. Each family member has his or her own unique communication style, emotional needs and developmental stage. And, of course, every one of them has good days, bad days, bored days, angry days, etc.

The combination of tactical and emotional coordination means that parents juggle a lot of balls every single day. And there are days when we drop balls everywhere.

The stress of caring for an ill child can send parents over the edge.

If you have a child with an eating disorder like anorexia, orthorexia, binge eating disorder or bulimia, your family is encountering massive stress. To add to the stress, many parents find it difficult to talk about eating disorders. If your daughter had cancer or diabetes, you would be more likely to discuss how her illness is impacting your life as a family, but eating disorders are not at the same level of social discussion.

We are social creatures, driven to connect with each other. But the stigma of mental illnesses can make it harder to find the support and connection you need and deserve when your child has an eating disorder.

Your child’s eating disorder is probably causing you intense pain, and you aren’t going to be able to be there for her unless you find ways to process your pain in the healthiest way possible.

Talk to someone. Find someone who will give you unconditional love and listen to your concerns, fears and even anger sometimes about the situation. It may be a therapist, coach, friend or family member, but it should be someone who can listen without judgement.

You deserve love during this time. The more love you give yourself, the more you will have available for her.

I was talking to a teenager the other day who has been hospitalized twice for anorexia. She is lovely. She was talking about her last relapse, and how much she needed her mom during that time.

“I mean, I couldn’t even let her go to the bathroom by herself – I needed to be with her all the time,” she said. I nodded understandingly, thinking about what an amazing mom this girl has, and how lucky she is to receive such wonderful care for her disorder.

My second thought, though, was “Jeez! That must be so incredibly hard for that mom!”

Moms with compassion fatigue

Compassion fatigue is the bone-deep exhaustion that comes with caring for another person, especially if they have a mental or physical health condition. It’s commonly found in healthcare workers, care providers, and, of course parents. Due to our gender roles, moms and women tend to experience more compassion fatigue.

Compassion fatigue is something that most moms probably have a little bit every single day. Our consistent care for the people in our families combined with paid work, volunteer work, and housework is typically already at the maximum level even without extenuating circumstances.

Moms who are managing a family member who has a condition like anxiety, depression, and/or an eating disorder can find themselves overwhelmed with their loved ones’ needs. In these cases, if we aren’t taking intentional action to care for our own needs, we may experience compassion fatigue.

Symptoms of Compassion Fatigue

Compassion fatigue can cause symptoms that can significantly impact our ability to enjoy life, and they also make it harder to care for our loved ones. Symptoms include:

• Excessive blaming of other people both in and outside of your family
• A deep sense of being isolated and overwhelmed
• Increased behavioral addictions like drinking, overspending, and disordered eating
• Not caring for yourself (e.g. showering, brushing hair, brushing teeth, eating regularly)
• Chronic physical ailments like back pain, recurrent colds, and gastrointestinal problems
• Recurring nightmares, difficulty sleeping, and a sense that you can never get enough sleep
• Mentally and physically tired and apathetic
• Activities that you once enjoyed are no longer interesting
• Difficulty concentrating
• Increased risk of anxiety, depression, and associated conditions

Care for yourself, too

It may seem impossible to imagine not giving all of ourselves to the people who we love. But the fact is that if we fail to take care of ourselves as well, many of us will show symptoms of compassion fatigue. Since many of us don’t want to set boundaries and say “no” when things become too much for us, Compassion Fatigue is a way that our bodies step in and say “no” on our behalf.

Because as much as we want to do everything for everyone we love, we can’t pour from an empty cup. We simply must find a way to fill ourselves and meet our own needs in order to provide the care our loved ones need from us.

I know – your attention is already overwhelmed by managing a child who needs extra care on top of the everyday management of your family, and imagining having any additional attention to give to yourself seems ridiculous.

We have some articles about self-care to help:

• 10 self-care tips if you’re struggling to deal with your kid’s eating disorder today
• Taking care of yourself when your child has an eating disorder
• A self-care guide for moms who have absolutely no time for self-care and that go way beyond “take a bubble bath and light a candle”

Here is a printable I created to help you spot the symptoms of Compassion Fatigue:

If you believe you are experiencing Compassion Fatigue, then please consider getting some help. You may need some help with caring for your loved one(s). Or perhaps you need help caring for your home.

But most importantly, consider getting some help for your mental health – perhaps a therapist or coach can help you determine the best way for you to juggle everything on your plate without sacrificing yourself along the way.