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"My specific suggested advice to BIPOC parents is "My specific suggested advice to BIPOC parents is this: listen and don’t be afraid of not getting it right the first time when trying to help your child. Know that there will be a struggle for your child to accept your own cultural beauty and health ideals because White America has such a powerful influence on our version of ideal beauty and health standards. For the parents of first-generation children, understand that there is a learning curve. It makes sense that the societal ideals of the new home country and ideals from the previous home country clash." This amazing article by @janettevalenzo is linked in bio & is available in both English and Spanish💕 “Mi consejo específico y sugerido para los padres de BIPOC es este: escuchen y no tengan miedo de no hacerlo bien la primera vez cuando intenten ayudar a su hijo. Sepa que su hijo tendrá que luchar para aceptar sus propios ideales culturales de belleza y salud porque lo guerrero de los Estados Unidos tiene una influencia tan poderosa en nuestra versión de los estándares ideales de belleza y salud. Para los padres de niños de primera generación, entiendan que existe una curva de aprendizaje. Tiene sentido que los ideales sociales del nuevo país y los ideales del país de origen anterior choquen.”
Humans aren't meant to only feel positive feelings Humans aren't meant to only feel positive feelings. In addition to love and joy, we're built to feel fear, pain, and anger. And when our parents can't tolerate our negative feelings, we may shut them down - send them underground. But they don't go away. They often show up as part of our eating disorders. Eating disorder behaviors are communication. They can be heard and translated if we listen to them. And sometimes what they're trying to say is "I'm stuck in here! It's too small! Give me some space to fully express myself!" And often what we need is to know that our parents can tolerate our bad days, our negative moods, our fear, our anger, our pain. It takes practice, but this is a huge gift that we can give our children: to tolerate all parts of them. To let them be as big as they need to be emotionally and physically. Our kids shouldn’t feel ashamed of their negative feelings. And we are the ones who can make it safe for their whole selves to exist💕
The belief that there is a simple equation, either The belief that there is a simple equation, either in terms of the calories consumed or the particular type of calories, is a vast oversimplification of a complex metabolic system. It is based on assumption, not scientific fact. People in vastly different body sizes can eat and expend the same number of calories and yet weigh very different amounts. This is a biological fact. It is not true that if we ate less all of us would weigh less. And eating less creates significant physiological and psychological side effects that damage health both short- and long-term. When we live with the belief that our bodies are wrong and bigger than they 'should' be, we are vulnerable to eating disorders. When we believe that we should eat less to be “good,” we are vulnerable to eating disorders. And the vast majority of us live with these beliefs, which explains why at least 10% of our population has an eating disorder. And the numbers have been increasing every year. If we want to save our kids from eating disorders, we have to correct the beliefs that 1) body weight is within individual control, and 2) should be controlled. We have to change the way we see bodies💕
Kids look to their parents for validation and secu Kids look to their parents for validation and security. All children seek approval from their parents and long to be "good enough" for their parents' love. This heartbreaking fact is why weight loss incentives for kids are so damaging and painful. A child's body is the child themself. They cannot separate their body from who they are. Thus, telling a child they need to change their body is the same as telling them they need to change who they are as a person to obtain love, affection, and respect. There are so many things parents can do to support health in their kids, and they have nothing to do with a scale! Here are a few ideas: ❤️Connect with your child emotionally ❤️Make sure they get enough sleep ❤️Do fun physical activity together ❤️Eat delicious food together ❤️Model healthy behaviors What would you add? More ideas and information are linked in bio💕
We asked this question: how did your parents’ fo We asked this question: how did your parents’ food shaming impact your health? And got many heartbreaking answers💔 Many people who have/had eating disorders recall being food shamed by their parents. Kids carry their parents’ food beliefs forward in life, often perpetuating the toxic concept that food is something to be restricted, controlled, and managed with their own kids. The stated goal is “health,” but so often food shame and restriction leads to disorder and disease. Rest assured that it’s definitely not the path to health. If you’ve never lived with food freedom it’s hard to believe that it’s safe and healthy. It’s hard to believe that we can let our kids eat foods that make them feel good and they will be healthy. But it’s both possible and within every parent’s reach to raise healthy kids who have a healthy relationship with food💕 More info linked in bio
Nobody is being helped by our society's rigid defi Nobody is being helped by our society's rigid definition of "health." Here are the core issues as I see them: 1. Health is not based on weight 2. Health is not achieved through dieting (defined as any method of intentionally controlling body weight) 3. Health is not something that can/should be expected of every body We need a major reset, because parents, healthcare providers and educators are accidentally creating major problems by perpetuating the myth that thin=healthy=good citizen. Here are some important messages: 🤍You can't see health any more than you can see kindness or intelligence. They are inner states, not external appearances. 🤍Health behaviors (not weight) are the key to health. And dieting is not health behavior - it creates toxic stress, reduces metabolism, and lays the groundwork for anxiety, depression, and eating disorders. 🤍Raising healthy kids means nurturing them in body, mind, and soul. Their weight will be determined by what works for their unique bodies (not what you feed them). 🤍Health is not a moral obligation. And many bodies cannot achieve "health" for various reasons. Nobody owes you their health. 🤍Weight is not directly correlated with health. There are healthy people at higher weights and unhealthy people at lower weights. 💕 Sources are linked in bio
"A lot of parents think it’s a good sign when a "A lot of parents think it’s a good sign when a child suddenly becomes interested in “healthy” eating and exercise, but a sudden and intense change in a person’s relationship with food and their body is often a warning sign. It’s important for parents to seek support so they can understand how to parent through food and body issues." - Mimi Cole Read the full article "Eating disorders, orthorexia, and recovery," by Mimi Cole @the.lovelybecoming on More-Love.org >>link in bio❤️❤️
It is completely understandable that when we don't It is completely understandable that when we don't like something we want it to go away. Maybe it's an eating disorder, alcohol dependence, toxic relationships, perfectionism, anxiety, or any other disruptive behavior. Once we see that it is destructive, we want it out of our lives. We want it gone. But our behaviors are there for a reason. They are there to show us what we might not otherwise be able to see. For parents, these behaviors show us something our children need us to see. Before we can truly move on from negative behaviors, we usually need to learn from them. I'm not saying this means we need to stay stuck. But rather than trying to eliminate the behavior, we can seek to understand its reason for existing. Because when we take our time and get to the root of WHY something is happening, when we learn what we need to know, we can heal and move on to healthier behaviors.💕 [image description: Quote on orange background says "Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know." By Pema Chödrön from her book When Things Fall Apart]
A "mom bod" AKA a woman who has "let herself go," A "mom bod" AKA a woman who has "let herself go," "given up," and other misogynistic nonsense, basically means OUR BODIES HAVE CHANGED! 💥Newsflash: our bodies have and will forever change. Whether you are a mom or not, your body has changed from some previous time in your life. We aren't meant to stay the same, and we don't need to waste our time pursuing a fantasy body. So yeah, I have a "mom bod." It's not the body society tells me I should feel grateful for, but it's a body for which I am deeply grateful. For years I tortured my poor body, and I’ve vowed to let it take the driver's seat from now on. After 30 years with an eating disorder, my recovery depends on the fact that now I trust that my body knows better than a scale, a pair of pants, or any person who is not me. So here it is: permission to throw away, donate, repurpose, or otherwise discard of anything that no longer fits your body. Permission to embrace and appreciate your awesome mom bod - whatever size💕 . For a feminist rant about this, click link in bio 😜
Withdrawal is an emotional tactic we use when we a Withdrawal is an emotional tactic we use when we are afraid we will not get our needs met. Rather than confront the fear of being unloveable, we shut down and pull away from the people who love us. Emotional withdrawal is the execution of the thought “I’ll dump you before you can dump me.” We desperately want connection. But we are deeply convinced that we won’t be able to get it. Understandably, a lot of parents think that emotional withdrawal is a cruel rejection. But in fact, when a child emotionally withdraws from a parent, it's a sign of emotional distress. It is a cry for help. Parents, if your child is emotionally withdrawing from you, try saying (and meaning!) these things: 🤍I value your opinion 🤍I respect you 🤍I can tolerate your distress 🤍I hear your pain 🤍I believe you 🤍I don't need you to perform "goodness" for me 🤍I am willing to talk about hard things with you 🤍I'm not going to act like a child 🤍I’m not going to get critical like I have in the past 🤍I’m going to stay right here 🤍I won't leave you like I have before 🤍I’m going to hang in here and fight for our relationship 🤍I’m going to interrupt our pattern of withdrawal from each other and try to build a healthier relationship because that's my job (not yours) . What would you add? What do you wish you would hear from your parent?💕
If you are led astray by someone or something, you If you are led astray by someone or something, you behave badly or foolishly because of them. Good, loving, well-meaning parents are led astray by diet culture every day. The consequences can be serious, and the legacy long. I try to lovingly but assertively educate parents who mean well but cause accidental harm by perpetuating diet culture with their kids. I know what’s it’s like to be stuck - I’ve been there. And I know that we can change the world for our kids if we change the way they see bodies - their own and others’💕
We need to think very carefully about why our domi We need to think very carefully about why our dominant culture believes that waging war against our own bodies is the path to health. About why our young children worry about fat and calories and carbs. About why we are seeing dramatic increases in eating disorders and other symptoms of serious mental distress in children <10 years old. Our dominant culture insists that bodies need to be controlled. But this approach is making us and our children sick. Our souls are crying out for peace. Peace for all bodies and the pursuit of health free from the tyranny of BMI and scales. Our children deserve peace from the fear of fat and the oppressive demand to be thin at any cost.💕
Learning to parent through an eating disorder is n Learning to parent through an eating disorder is not easy. Parents can help so much, and they can accidentally hurt, too. Not because they're bad parents, but because parenting through an eating disorder is hard! We published a personal story written by Emily Formea / @sincerely.xo.emily about the link between her perfectionism and her eating disorder. She has some wonderful advice for parents facing similar challenges. For example: 1. Don’t treat your child like they don’t know what’s going on. I knew I was struggling with an eating disorder. I just didn’t know how to stop it. 2. Don’t just keep pushing food into them. Try to find the root problem or pain that caused them to struggle with food in the first place. 3. Make them feel safe. That you don’t blame them for having an eating disorder. Let them know that you trust them, love them, and want to help them. 4. Never make them feel watched. I know this one is hard, but this created a separation between my parents and me. It seemed like I was always being watched or talked about, but never talked to. I felt like my parents sometimes thought I was trying to trick them or bamboozle them by not eating instead of recognizing how much pain I was enduring and how I just didn’t know how to help myself. Link to the full article is in our bio💕
As much as parents want us to recover from our eat As much as parents want us to recover from our eating disorders, recovery itself is usually hard on them. They may be deeply uncomfortable with, feel threatened by, and sometimes even dislike the true self that emerges during recovery. When we stop numbing ourselves with our eating disorders we become more emotionally literate, less afraid of taking up space, and start asking to get our needs met. It can be scary for parents to encounter their child's whole self, unfettered by the eating disorder. It can feel to them like recovery is worse than the eating disorder itself. They often have to face mistakes they made, which were usually unintentional and also hurtful. In response, some parents accidentally reinforce eating disorders rather than facilitate eating disorder recovery. Learning to accept your child's whole self, without their eating disorder, is part of your child's recovery. Please don't underestimate the challenge and importance of this work.💕
Lots of parents think we’re supposed to raise th Lots of parents think we’re supposed to raise thin kids. That’s what society, the media, many healthcare providers, and the $70B diet industry tell us we need to do. But there is no benefit and lots of room for harm when parents believe that raising healthy kids means raising thin kids. Body diversity is a real thing. Bodies naturally come in different sizes. We’ve vastly overestimated the role fat cells play in health, disease, and longevity. It’s not our job to raise thin kids. Our job is to support good health, which includes sleep, compassionate human connection, joyful movement and intuitive eating. If we do these things, our child’s weight is a non-issue when it comes to health. Raising healthy kids is not the same as raising thin kids.💕
Being taught to repress our feelings means they go Being taught to repress our feelings means they go underground and are often expressed as behaviors like eating disorders, substance use, and self-harm. In fact, emotional repression is a gateway to addiction. Parents are not responsible for our disorders and addictions, but if they learn to help children express (not repress) emotions in healthy, adaptive ways, parents can prevent many addictions and disorders from blossoming. This is not easy, since most parents were raised to repress and fear emotions, and seeing them in our kids is stressful and feels wrong. But with practice we can learn, and our kids will thrive in response. Emotional expression is an important parenting tool. Full article about emotional repression as a gateway to disorders and addiction - link in bio💕
Adolescents whose parents focus on weight have low Adolescents whose parents focus on weight have lower body image and a greater chance of developing eating disorders. Also, their adult weight is higher compared to children whose parents do not focus on weight. So the parents who are trying to limit their kids' weight gain by focusing on weight are achieving the exact opposite goal! Body weight is a complex equation. Our culture has mistakenly promoted it as a simple equation containing three incorrect concepts: ✖️Fat is deadly (not true) ✖️The way to avoid being/getting fat is to diet and “watch your weight” (not true) ✖️People will avoid being/getting fat if they are afraid of being fat and/or shamed for weight gain (not true) Parents can create an environment in which kids are healthy. But it has nothing to do with weight. Full article (including all scientific data to back up these statements) is linked in our bio.💕
Most adults spend too much time telling young peop Most adults spend too much time telling young people what to do, and not enough time listening to them. When kids are struggling and driving us crazy, it’s natural to want to jump in and tell them what to do. ✖️It’s not hard. Just stop eating when you’re full. ✖️If you would just eat a sandwich everything would be fine. But that’s called domination, and it’s not effective parenting. There are zero studies showing that kids who are dominated by their parents end up being healthy and well-adjusted adults. We need to listen to our kids. We need to trust our kids. We need to understand our kids if we want them to thrive💕
We've all see the fear-based media about weight ga We've all see the fear-based media about weight gain during this pandemic. And, of course, it's trickling down to our kids. Pundits are afraid that kids are gaining "too much" weight during the pandemic, and say we should weigh all kids when they return to school to ... what? Prevent "obesity?" Well, if the goal is weight loss, weigh-ins are absolutely not a method of reducing weight. If they were, everyone who owns a scale or visits the doctor (where we are almost always weighed) would lose weight. But bodies don't work like that. And, in fact, being weighed by strangers/authorities increases our stress hormones and can lead to weight gain (not loss). We empower parents to scrutinize the facts and consider opting out of school weigh-ins. Almost all schools allow this. Full article is linked in bio.💕
A child’s deepest wish is to be truly seen, hear A child’s deepest wish is to be truly seen, heard, and nurtured by their parent. When our child starts “acting up” and “driving us crazy,” we have two choices. 1. We can blame our child and give up. 2. We can look at our behavior and do what we can to improve the situation. A great way to improve the situation is to learn non-defensive listening. When we respond to a child’s complaint with defensiveness, we cannot meet their fundamental need to feel loved and accepted. Non-defensive listening is not something that we have to “master” or “perfect.” It’s OK to try our best and try again and again. And it works really well when we have a child who is struggling with an eating disorder or other dangerous behaviors. There's very little we can do to directly "fix" our kids' problems, but there is a ton that we can do to create an environment in which they feel better and can thrive💕 . ❤️full article - link in bio❤️
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