This is an interview in which Ginny Jones, founder of More-Love.org, shares her thoughts on how families can cope with family traditions when there’s an eating disorder in the family.

1. Why might the winter holidays be particularly difficult for individuals affected by eating disorders? What types of challenges might arise in the next few months?

I think the biggest issue is that many families focus on food-based activities for the holidays. And I get it: it makes sense to do things like sip hot cocoa, bake cookies, and gather around a meal. A lot of family traditions focus on food, but that can be hard when there’s an eating disorder in the family.

So I would look carefully at all the family traditions that we’re used to and consider whether there are ways we can make adjustments for the eating disorder. I like to focus on building connections and belonging without food being the central actor. 

When a person has an eating disorder, food-centered activities can be unpleasant. So rethink: can we switch things up? Maybe instead of making cookies, you can play a game. Instead of talking about food, you can talk about what you’re grateful for.

2. What are some factors that families should consider as they think about to what extent they should participate in different traditions and celebrations this year?

I think you really need to plan ahead and think carefully about what you usually do and the state of your family right now. If someone is facing an eating disorder, that means they are in a tough place. And you probably are, too. So I would ask: what are the essentials? What will bring us together? What will feel good? And I would be willing to let things go if they aren’t feeling right this year. 

Just because we’ve done something for a few years or even a few decades doesn’t mean we have to keep doing them. The only thing we really need to keep doing is finding ways to learn and grow together. And this often means trying new things and taking novel approaches to how we belong together.

One of the seldom-discussed but essential elements of recovery is belonging. And I can think of no greater place to belong but in our own families. Yet many people who have eating disorders don’t feel like they belong in their families. 

So this year is a great time to think carefully about that and make sure the priority is focused on belonging rather than food, presents, or other more superficial aspects of the holidays. When families learn to build belonging with a child who is struggling with an eating disorder, they can make a significant impact on that child’s recovery.

3. How can families address unsolicited comments and questions from extended family members? How can families set healthy boundaries?

My first advice is to sit down and devote some time thinking through what is most likely to happen. You’ve known your family a long time, so you probably don’t need to be surprised. Sometimes when we’re afraid of something, we avoid thinking about it, or we think about it unproductively. 

So take some time and actually write down the characters and situations in your family that could be triggering. 

Then think through whether and how you should approach them before the event to kindly let them know if you have any requests. Basically, you’re keeping it very specific and short. And you’re usually going to want to sandwich it with comments like “I know how much you love us,” and “we can’t wait to see you.” 

This gives the person the reminder that you know them and love them. And it takes some of the sting out of any requests you’re making.

Remember that hard conversations are, of course, hard. But relationships are living, growing things. They become superficial when we avoid depth and meaning. They falter when we only talk about the good and easy things. Facing hard conversations with family members is challenging. But it’s a healthy challenge to take on, and you will find that even if your family responds poorly to your boundaries, you will still learn and grow and strengthen your own communication skills in the process of talking to them.

4. If someone does notice that a loved one may need a little extra support or is showing symptoms of an eating disorder/relapse, what should/can they do?

My main advice is to stay really tuned into your child’s emotional state at all times, but especially during the holidays. 

By the time you’re seeing behaviors, it may be a bit too late to head them off. So you’re going to want to try and sense how your child is feeling. Often we’ll sense stress, overwhelm, and flooding before, during, and after big family events. So I want parents to tap into those sensations and respond to their child by seeing what’s going on and soothing them before it gets too bad. 

But if you miss the early signs of distress – and of course that happens – just respond as quickly as you can. When we see symptoms of the eating disorder, we want to avoid shame or judgment and respond with compassion. I would say something like “I’m guessing that you feel a bit stressed with everything that’s going on. It makes sense to me that you’re having a hard time. I’m here for you.” 

If you sense your child is distressed during an event, I would immediately take some time away from the group to connect with them and help them feel soothed. The last thing I want a child who has an eating disorder to do is to push down or numb their discomfort, so I teach parents to attend to their kids’ discomfort and help them cope in the safety of their relationship.

Sometimes this makes parents very uncomfortable because it means, in some ways, that they must choose between the comfort of their own parents and their child’s comfort. I understand that it can be terrifying to overcome your own patterns of behavior in your family of origin. However, it’s best if you prioritize your role as a parent and care for your child’s needs. Your parents are grownups; your child is your child. This may feel uncomfortable, but I think when you sit back and think through your values, you’ll see that it makes sense to be the parent your child needs you to be.

5. How might families adapt their existing traditions to be more recovery-friendly? Or how might families create completely new traditions? 

I think the main thing is to reimagine what the holidays would be like with more connection and belonging and less of an emphasis on food. It’s not that you can’t enjoy food, but I think it’s helpful to de-center it. 

This may be a big shift for some people. For some families, the only way they connect with each other is over food. But I think it’s OK to challenge that assumption – that the only way we connect is through food – and find new ways to connect. You may find that you open up new avenues for belonging and connection, and that is a beautiful thing.

Additionally, you may need to set some boundaries about diet talk and body bashing. If your family has been connecting over this for decades, it’s going to be a hard habit to change. But just because something is hard doesn’t mean it’s wrong. And you don’t have to do this perfectly to get started. 

Start having the tough conversations with your family of origin about how we talk about bodies. You can be the change-maker. You’re allowed to do this, and while it may be hard, it may ultimately open up new avenues for connection and belonging for you and your family members. 

When you have a child who has an eating disorder it can be an opportunity to review your values and determine what you want to continue doing, stop doing, and start doing. This is an amazing chance to see the world through new eyes and try new things. And the work you do on behalf of your child will positively impact you, too! Family traditions can continue with an eating disorder – it’s really just about being thoughtful and planning ahead.

Holidays with an eating disorder can be challenging, but I wish you all the best and hope you and your family have the best time possible.

See Our Parent’s Guide To Holidays With An Eating Disorder

Are you heading into Thanksgiving with a child or loved one who has an eating disorder? It’s important to make an effort to plan an eating disorder friendly Thanksgiving. Food-based holidays can be especially challenging for people in eating disorder recovery. It can really help to plan ahead for success.

Many of these Thanksgiving family scripts focus on body-based and food-oriented comments. These comments may seem benign, but when your child has an eating disorder, it’s important to put a stop to them. It may take some practice, but it’s not hard to shift once you have these new scripts in mind.

Here are some examples of new Thanksgiving scripts:

Greetings for an eating disorder friendly Thanksgiving

Many people automatically comment on someone’s appearance as a greeting. However, this focus on appearance can be upsetting for someone who has/had an eating disorder.

Also, when we make appearance-based greetings, we miss the opportunity to connect with the actual person – who they are, what they mean to us, and what makes them interesting and important.

Instead of: You look great! Have you lost weight?

Try: I’m so happy to see you!

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Instead of: Have you gained weight?

Try: It’s wonderful to see you!

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Instead of: What have you been doing? You look great!

Try: How have you been doing? Tell me all about it!

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Instead of: You look so pretty today!

Try: I’m thrilled to see you today!

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Instead of: You look so skinny! Let’s fatten you up!

Try: I’m really glad you came!

Talking about food

Thanksgiving is a food-based holiday, and so, of course, it brings out many diet culture scripts, which basically assume that we are “bad” if we eat rich, delicious foods, and we are “good” if we restrict our foods to “healthy” options like salad.

This idea that how we eat determines our morality is very dangerous for someone who has/had an eating disorder, so it’s important to change the script. Here are some ideas:

Instead of: Uh-oh – I’m going to blow my diet today!

Try: This food looks delicious!

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Instead of: I guess this is a cheat day!

Try: I’m looking forward to enjoying this day with you.

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Instead of: I guess the diet starts tomorrow!

Try: I love being here with you.

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Instead of: I’m trying to lose weight, so I’m not going to eat that.

Try: Tell me about how you’ve been doing.

Talking about feasting

So many people live in some form of dietary restriction, and then “let it all hang out” at a Thanksgiving feast. There is nothing wrong with feasting, but most people talk about it as a negative or something that will need to be atoned for later. This can easily lead to descriptions of the core eating disorder behaviors of restriction, binge eating, and purging.

Instead of: I’m stuffed! I definitely ate too much

Try: That was delicious!

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Instead of: Good thing I didn’t eat all week to prepare for this pie!

Try: Thank you for being here today.

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Instead of: I’m “eating clean” so I can’t eat any of this food

Try: I’m so happy to see you all.

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Instead of: I’m going to have to not eat for a week to make up for this!

Try: I love being with you.

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Instead of: I really shouldn’t eat more but I can’t help myself!

Try: Isn’t it wonderful to be together today?

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Instead of: I can’t believe I ate all these carbs. My trainer is going to be so mad at me!

Try: This is a great day!

Talking about exercise

Many people think of Thanksgiving as something we need to “work up to” or “work off.” This is called compensatory exercise and is an eating disorder behavior. It’s important for families to move away from normalizing eating disorder behaviors.

Instead of: I need to take a walk so I have space in my belly for all this food.

Try: I’m going to take a walk because it feels so good to be outside.

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Instead of: I’m going to have to go to the gym after this!

Try: This has been a wonderful meal.

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Instead of: It’s going to take weeks to work off all the food I ate!

Try: I have been really enjoying this day and being with you.

Plan in advance for an eating disorder friendly Thanksgiving

If your family is like most, shifting the script will take effort. You can start the ball rolling by calling people who will be at the meal with you and your child and see if you can agree to gather with the intention to not perpetuate eating disorder talk.

Here’s a possible pre-Thanksgiving day script:

Hi Aunt Beatrice, I’m so excited to have you for Thanksgiving! I can’t wait to see you. This is a little awkward, but I wanted to let you know something that we’ve been working on. We’ve noticed that how we talk about bodies and food really makes a difference to our kids. So we avoid talking about bodies, diets, or saying things like “this food is so bad” or “I’m going to have to work this pie off later.” The truth is that we didn’t even notice how often we do it. But I just wanted to let you know that it’s something we’re working on, since you’ll probably notice we’re going to try not to do it this year.

Here’s some options for redirecting food and body comments on Thanksgiving day:

Redirect: Hey Aunt Beatrice, did you get that promotion at work?

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Remind: Hey Aunt Beatrice, remember we aren’t talking about diets today. How was your visit with Uncle Fred?

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Set a boundary: Aunt Beatrice, when you talk about my body like that. I feel bad, because it seems like you are criticizing my weight. If you continue to do that, we’ll need to leave.

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Holidays with an eating disorder can be really tough, but Thanksgiving doesn’t have to be a minefield, and it will be more fun for everyone involved if we reduce the focus on food and bodies and focus instead on the many other things that make being together so meaningful.

See Our Parent’s Guide To Holidays With An Eating Disorder

Halloween doesn’t have to be haunted by fear, especially not fear of candy. While diet culture loves to sound the alarm about sugar, the truth is that enjoying Halloween candy is not only safe, it’s a normal and joyful part of childhood.

Restricting or moralizing candy can actually do more harm than good, especially for kids who are building their relationship with food. When we let children eat candy without shame, we teach them trust, balance, and body respect. This Halloween, it’s time to tune out the fear-mongers and remember: candy is just candy, and food freedom is far sweeter.

Let kids eat candy

It’s tough because right now candy is everywhere. Every store, every desk, and every place we go seems to be offering up tiny bites of sweetness. If you’re like many people, you studiously forbid yourself from succumbing to the temptation of candy … most of the time. But there are probably days when you just can’t resist, and then you binge, feel horribly guilty, and pretty sick.

You say things like:

“I love candy so much, but I mustn’t eat it! I’ll ruin my diet!”

“I love chocolate, but once I start, I just can’t stop.”

“I ate an entire bag of candy yesterday – I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”

And if you see your kids eating candy you feel like a bad parent. You worry that you’ll permanently damage their health if you allow them to eat Halloween candy. There are lots of articles out there teaching parents how to restrict Halloween candy, but this article is different. In this article, I want to encourage you to eat the Halloween candy … and let your kids eat it, too!

You think it’s you

Maybe you think you or your kids are addicted to candy. That you have some fatal flaw that removes your self-control and forces you to consume massive amounts of candy. You probably think your kids have this flaw, too. You’ve seen them inhale an entire bowl of M&Ms in one sitting. It’s bad! It’s not right! Sugar is evil! You have to stop them!

Sugar is the nutritional bad guy right now. Many people say that sugar is addictive. If you consume popular media, then you probably believe that sugar is terrible and that you and your kids are addicted. And there’s only one place for people who give into their sugar cravings, and it’s a shame-filled room where you stand up and introduce yourself as someone who is “An Addict.”

Here’s the truth

You’re not alone in this. Your kids aren’t, either. But there’s a crazy secret that you don’t know yet. You are giving the candy way too much power over your life. Maybe you think that you have to avoid candy because once you start eating it, you can’t stop. You think that it’s impossible for anyone to have self-control around candy. You have been told that eating candy will instantly add inches to your waist and can even give you diabetes. And you believe you have to control your kids’ candy consumption for the same reason.

But it’s not true!

Too many people live in fear of candy and other foods that we consider “off limits.” We can develop symptoms of anxiety just being in the presence of foods that we have decided are scary. Fear of food is a symptom of disordered eating. If you or your child is afraid to eat candy, or if you are afraid that your child eats too much candy, then it is time to get some help and put candy in its place.

Life may be scary on many levels, but none of us need to live in fear of a food item.

Here’s the secret

Your body only wants a whole bag of candy right now because you’ve been giving candy power by denying your body for so long. Your body hates being restricted, so it acts out, like a stubborn toddler. It sulks and complains, and then, when you aren’t watching, it sneaks out of the house and does things to get back at you for trying to control it.

When you restrict the candy, you turn yourself into a dictator over your body, and your body will rebel. You will consider yourself “good” and “perfect” until one day something snaps, and you end up with candy wrappers everywhere and a very bad stomachache. You think this is further proof that you should never, ever eat candy. But that’s not true. The problem is that you restricted candy in the first place.

The solution is to eat Halloween candy!

Eat the candy, but enjoy the candy openly and honestly. Give yourself and your kids permission to eat candy whenever you want candy. Give up the diet mentality that you must control all foods, and trust that your body doesn’t actually want to live on candy alone. It’s true. It really doesn’t.

You are not unique. It has been consistently shown that, given unlimited food choices, most people will naturally even out their intake to provide a healthy balance for their individual bodies. Researchers who study Intuitive Eating don’t get as many book deals as the people who tell us to be afraid of food. But we have known for decades that the more you restrict “forbidden” foods, the greater the likelihood that you are also binging on those foods.

And the same is true for our kids. If we don’t let our kids eat Halloween candy, we set them up for restriction and binge eating. And that’s much less healthy than a little sugar now and then.

Try this instead

Instead of trying to resist candy, slow down and pay attention to your cravings and the candy. Bring candy out of the closet. Bring mindfulness to your food, and you will find your relationship with it transformed. Instead of criticizing yourself and the candy, try asking:

“Do I want the candy?”

“How does this candy taste?”

“Would I prefer a different candy to this one?”

“Do I want to eat more candy right now?”

When we approach candy (and all food) with curiosity instead of judgment, the candy becomes “just food,” instead of the forbidden fruit. Now we can figure out if we even actually like candy. When we take this approach, it’s definitely OK to eat Halloween candy. If we like it, then we should sit down and enjoy it, just like we would an apple or a kale salad. We shouldn’t eat it in secret or with any sense of shame. When we stop feeling shame about our food, it loses power over us.

The same goes for our kids. If we have restricted them, then they are likely gorging on candy when given the opportunity. When we give them food freedom while asking curious questions and expecting all food to be eaten peacefully and without hiding, our kids will stop sneaking forbidden candy, and will naturally find a candy intake that makes sense for their individual bodies.

Trust your body

When we treat our bodies and our kids’ bodies with respect and trust, they honestly don’t want to eat a whole bag of candy. It’s OK to eat as much Halloween candy as feels good for your body. And you may be surprised that, once you remove the restrictions on candy, you can actually pay attention to how it feels in your body. The fewer limits you put on the candy, the less power it has over you.

And then you start to notice that you have preferences about the type of candy, when you actually want it, and how you want to eat it. Over time, candy gets a normal place in your life. You realize that it’s OK to let yourself and your kids eat candy, not just at Halloween, but anytime!

It doesn’t matter how much candy you eat, as long as it’s your body that’s making the decision, and not your diet-ridden, shame-filled brain. The key is to listen to your body’s feedback rather than trying to circumvent its intelligence and tell it what to do.

Trust your kids’ bodies

Most importantly, trust your kids’ bodies. You don’t have to control their candy intake. Their bodies will do it for them. Honestly. Speak with anyone who has read and implemented books from Ellyn Satter and you will hear surprise and awe about their experience with trusting their toddlers’ bodies to self-regulate.

“We were constantly fighting over candy and I was driving myself crazy, forcing veggies on my 3-year-old,” said one parent. “A year later, after I started following Ellyn Satter’s advice, my kid was still eating candy, but then she would go to the fridge and get herself some carrots and hummus. She was actually balancing her diet without any input (or nagging!) from me! I was amazed and humbled.”

Diet culture is dead wrong

It’s not easy in our society, because we are all taught the diet culture from birth, which is that if we don’t control what we eat, we are bad. And guess who is there to save us from ourselves? The diet industry! All the diet books assure us that if we restrict certain food groups, certain nutrients, certain fats, and overall calorie intake, we will maintain a slim body and, most importantly, be worthy of admiration.

We are told that we can’t follow our body’s cravings, because then we will all turn into couch potatoes who provide zero value to society.

It’s a big, fat lie. The documented truth is that 95% of people who lose weight because of food restriction (diets) regain all the weight they lost plus more within one to five years, and the vast majority have regained it within two years (UCLA). The multi-billion dollar diet industry is an industry that preys on our insecurities. It lies to us.

Enjoy the candy

Don’t restrict and boss around your body anymore. Let it be. Eat candy at Halloween or anytime. When you trust it, your body will become a healthy ally, and you will be significantly happier and healthier than someone who chronically restricts their food intake. And the same goes for your kids.

Let your kids enjoy candy

Even if you can’t do it for yourself, please don’t restrict your kids. Our kids’ bodies are precious. They deserve to grow up being trusted and believed in. We need to normalize all foods (including candy!) and all body sizes, and we need to let go of fear-based food restrictions, which are so very harmful and can directly lead to disordered eating behavior and full-blown eating disorders.

See Our Parent’s Guide To Holidays With An Eating Disorder

The holidays can be especially challenging for children and teens in the weight restoration phase of eating disorder recovery. With an abundance of food and increased stress, festive gatherings often disrupt the routines that are vital to healing. Being away from familiar schedules and surrounded by well-meaning but sometimes unhelpful relatives can create confusion and anxiety for your child.

Understanding these challenges and preparing your family can make a significant difference in supporting your child’s progress during this vulnerable time. In this article, we’ll explore strategies to navigate the holiday season while maintaining a safe, nurturing environment for recovery.

an interview with Dr. Renee Rienecke

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Eating

My biggest advice for families who are in FBT is to plan ahead as much as possible. Think carefully through the actual holiday and the school break, and plan meals, snacks and rest into your schedule. Choosing your child’s meals, plating the food for them, serving it to them, and sitting with them while they are eating can be really challenging if you have people staying with you or if you are staying with others during the holidays. Each family will figure out their own path for this situation, but it’s important to know that there are a lot of options – the main goal is just that you think it through.

Timing

If your child is in weight restoration, maybe consider taking a year off from staying at a relative’s house. Keep in mind during the holidays that it’s OK to simplify this year if you need to. You don’t have to do everything like you normally do because your life isn’t like it is normally. There is next year. Looking for ways to simplify your life around the holidays is good advice for anybody, but especially for someone in treatment.

Routine

A pitfall that families run into during the holidays is that when kids are off school, they tend to sleep in, and then they are more likely to miss breakfast and throw off their eating schedule and eating plan. During the holidays, everyone gets busy, and it’s easy for parents to take their eye off the ball. It’s a challenge for parents to stay focused, but it’s really important. You don’t want to let a week go by without any progress.

Compassion

Families have a lot of balls in the air this time of year, and things are probably not going to go perfectly. Plan ahead, do your best, but remember, the holidays are going to be over soon. You’ll be back to your normal routine soon. Things are not going to be perfect, and that’s OK.

Disclosure

Whether or not you share the information about your child’s treatment plan is really dependent on your individual situation. It’s always a balance between respecting the desire for privacy, but at the same time not feeling embarrassed about your situation. The unfortunate truth is that not everyone you tell is going to react the way you want them to. Think through carefully who to tell, and what sort of information to share. If you do share the situation, it’s best to discuss it individually with each family member or guest. Let them know what’s going on, what will be helpful to talk about, and what topics to avoid.

Non-Disclosure

If your kid has requested that you not tell anyone about treatment, then you will need to work together on how to handle comments that might come up from unknowing relatives and friends. Just talk about what might come up, and how your child or you will respond if someone comments on weight, either positively or negatively. Also, be prepared for well-meaning curiosity about diet and eating habits. It can be hard to hide that there is something going on when in the weight recovery phase, so the more you prepare, the better.

Ground rules

What many of my families have done is to speak with relatives individually before social gatherings and let them know personally what’s going on. It allows for more conversation. They may have a lot of questions, so having a conversation really allows them to have more back and forth. If you do tell people about your child’s weight restoration and eating disorder recovery, it can be helpful to have some ground rules so they understand safe and unsafe topics during this time. Here are some basic suggestions:

• Don’t comment on appearance
• Don’t comment on what they’re eating
• Don’t comment on food (good/bad)
• Don’t talk about your own weight loss plans/experiences
• Don’t talk about other people’s weight

Plan an Escape

Weight recovery can be a difficult time in eating disorder treatment, so it’s good to have an escape plan for meals and events just in case your child becomes overwhelmed. Some parents will limit the time of the event, also, saying we’ll only go for 2 hours. If the meal gets too hard, there can be a code word that the patient can use to signal to the parent that they need help.

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Renee D. Rienecke, PhD, FAED, is the Director of the MUSC Friedman Center for Eating Disorders at the Medical University of South Carolina. She earned her Bachelor’s degree at the University of Michigan, her Ph.D. from Northwestern University, and completed her clinical psychology internship and postdoctoral fellowship at the University of Chicago. Her research interests include the role of expressed emotion in treatment outcome for adolescent anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. Website