Emotion coaching is a 5-step method developed for parents by John Gottman, PhD that can be applied to eating disorder recovery. The emotion coaching method builds emotional intelligence and creates positive, long-lasting effects for children, from toddlers to teens and young adults. It’s evidence-based, easy to learn, and regularly used by parents, educators, therapists, and caregivers in many different settings.

When parents learn the emotion coaching method, they identify how best to respond when a child is sad, angry, scared, or emotionally dysregulated and having big emotions. Once parents understand emotion coaching, they recognize that emotions, even the big, scary ones, are opportunities to build connection and emotional resilience. 

Parents also learn that emotion coaching doesn’t let the child “off the hook” when they have big emotions, but rather that the child gets to have big emotions, and the parent also gets to set clear, consistent limits on behavior.

The five steps of emotion coaching are: 

1. Be aware of your child’s emotions
2. Recognize your child’s expression of emotions as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching
3. Listen with empathy and validate your child’s feelings
4. Help your child learn to label their emotions with words
5. Set limits and problem-solve

Emotional literacy is critical in eating disorder recovery

Often eating disorder behaviors are a way for a person to cope with difficult and uncomfortable emotions. Thus, eating disorder recovery necessarily involves learning how to feel big and uncomfortable emotions without using eating disorder behaviors. 

This is why parental emotion coaching is so helpful for recovery. You are spending far more time with your child and seeing a greater range of emotions than their therapist. Therefore, if you can help your child learn to tolerate and process difficult emotions, you can help them recover from their eating disorder. 

But tolerating and processing emotions is not something that most of us do naturally. In fact, many parents do the exact opposite. For many parents, when a child has uncomfortable emotions, the goal is to settle the emotions and move on as quickly as possible. 

Here are the three most common techniques parents use to settle emotions quickly:

• Accommodating: Your child is afraid of heights, so you avoid heights
• Authoritarian: Your child gets angry when you ask them to take out the trash, and you yell back that they are ungrateful and need just to do the job without complaint
• Reassurance/Facts: Your child doesn’t want to do something, so you provide them with facts and reassurance that it’s a good thing to do and that everything will be OK

These are just three ways that parents try to avoid emotions. Most parents who do this believe they are making the only rational choice. They believe that the rational way to handle emotions is to settle and/or avoid them. However, we know that the opposite is true. Repressed and avoided emotions tend to get bigger and more disruptive over time, not smaller. 

That’s why emotional regulation is a core element of eating disorder recovery. To recover from an eating disorder, your child must cope with big and disruptive emotions without their eating disorder behaviors. The only way to do this is to build emotional resilience, which can be achieved with emotion coaching. 

Emotion coaching when parenting a child with an eating disorder

Parents can support recovery by working with their kids’ emotions rather than denying, avoiding, or accommodating them.

1. Be aware of your child’s emotions

The first step in providing emotion coaching for a child who has an eating disorder is to recognize when your child is having emotions. This may seem obvious, but it is both essential and easy to miss. 

You need to tune into your child’s emotional state to do this. Consider these questions: 

1. Do you know when your child is angry, sad, scared, or feeling another emotion?
2. If so, how do you know? What are the signs of the different emotions your child feels? (hint: don’t focus on words alone. Emotional expression is much deeper than language, so look for physical signs like eyes, facial expression, posture, vocal tone, gestures, etc.)
3. Do you understand that often there is a presenting emotion (e.g., anger, stubbornness) that is covering a primary emotion like fear, worry, and shame?

It helps to build your emotional literacy, or ability to recognize and label emotions. There are several tools to help identify feelings: 

• Feelings wheel
• Characters emotion chart
• Plutchik’s wheel of emotions
• Vocabulary of emotions/feelings

Print out one of these tools and use it to help you recognize your child’s different emotional states. Look for opportunities to use more emotional language with your child. Show your child how often we have more than one emotion at the same time. For example, it’s normal to feel both nervous and excited at the same time. We may also have a presenting feeling like anger that’s hiding a core feeling like sadness. 

2. Recognize your child’s expression of emotion as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching 

Most parents become alarmed and maybe defensive when a child has big emotions. But emotions are a perfectly natural and normal part of being human. There are a few different theories, but a common one developed by Paul Ekman, suggests we have six basic emotions. They are: 

• Sadness
• Happiness
• Fear
• Anger
• Surprise 
• Disgust

If you consider that there is also a state of neutral emotion, it’s safe to assume that most humans spend less time being happy than they do the many other emotions. Having a child who is not always happy is not a problem: it’s normal.

Uncomfortable emotions like sadness and anger are natural and normal. And your child needs you most when they are sad, angry, afraid, or experiencing other “negative” emotions. It’s not that your child needs to stop having the emotion. It’s that they need to have it safely, ideally with you until they learn to handle it by themselves without their eating disorder behaviors.

When your child has big emotions in your presence, it’s best if you acknowledge the emotions and see them as an opportunity to build your connection with your child. Don’t push the feelings away or avoid them, but rather to step into your role as an emotional caregiver and soothe your child’s emotions.

Soothing does not occur when you accommodate, make demands, bribe, or convince your child not to have their emotions. It takes place when you acknowledge their feelings and respond to them. Soothing can be both verbal and physical. For example, you can begin with labeling the feelings, but you can also start by reaching out to them, hugging them, and giving them gentle eye contact to let them know you are there with them in their pain.

When parents soothe their kids’ emotions, kids learn over time to soothe themselves. And this is the true growth opportunity of emotion coaching and why it’s so important in eating disorder recovery. When you coach your child, they learn to do it for themselves.

3. Listen with empathy and validate your child’s feelings 

Emotion coaching is a highly attuned, challenging task. Parents who want to emotion coach their kids through eating disorder recovery need to practice listening and validating. Here are some tips for this: 

Listening

• Make sure you are listening to understand, not listening to respond.
• Relax your desire to give solutions or convince your child of anything.
• Breathe deeply and calmly while you listen to your child. 
• Remain emotionally regulated.
• Mindfully “listen” to your child’s body language, not just their words.

Validating

• Mirror what your child said by repeating a few of their words or summarizing what you heard without judging, editorializing, problem-solving, or debating the “facts.” Say things like “It sounds like …” and “Let me know if I’m understanding how you feel, you’re …”
• Say things like “I get it” and “that makes sense.”
• Don’t discount feelings, tell them how they should feel, use logic, or try to fix anything.
• Attend to your body language: have soft eyes, a relaxed but firm posture, and an engaged and open facial expression.
• Avoid “why” questions, which will put your child on the defensive. 

You need to validate your child’s emotions, not their behaviors. There’s a big difference. For example, you don’t need to say, “I can understand why you didn’t eat today.” Instead, say, “It sounds like you felt overwhelmed by everything you had to do today (and didn’t eat).”

4. Help your child learn to label their emotions with words 

Consistently work with your child to label their emotions with words. This powerful way to integrate the mind is essential to mental health. Use the feelings tools from earlier and keep steering conversations with your child towards feelings. 

You can ask questions like: 

• Tell me more
• What was/is that like for you?
• What did that make you think? 
• How did/does that make you feel? 
• How did/does that affect you? 
• What did/does that mean to you?

When your child gives you an answer, try to pick out the feeling words or add some of your own to make sure the conversation is emotion-focused.

Most of us want to focus on “facts” and details. But with emotion coaching, you’re working to help your child identify their feelings, which will help them deal with distress without their eating disorder behaviors in the long term.

5. Set limits and problem solve 

Emotion coaching is not permissive. In other words, while you are validating and accepting all of your child’s emotions, that does not mean that all behaviors are acceptable. 

For example, your child with an eating disorder might prefer to eat alone in their room. You can validate that they prefer to do that, but in your home, you insist on eating at the table as a family. Just because your child has feelings does not mean feelings should dictate behavior. This is very important when a child is dealing with dangerous behaviors like restricting, binge eating, and purging.

You can set clear boundaries and expectations that may include things like: 

• Family meals
• Not going in the bathroom after eating
• Therapy appointments
• No swearing at people or calling people names
• Not hitting things or people

When things get hard, you can validate the feelings for why your child doesn’t want to or can’t meet the boundary but still uphold the boundary you have set. This is what parents learn to do in the highly effective and evidence-based SPACE Training. 

If your child has expressed their emotions and feels validated, you may move into problem-solving. But be careful about problem-solving, as most adolescents and young adults do not actually want you to problem-solve. Most of the time they want to express themselves and then solve their problems by themselves. 

Surprisingly, the more room you give your adolescent/young adult to solve their own problems, the more likely they will seek your advice. So hold back unless it’s specifically requested.

If you are sure that your child really wants you to problem-solve with them, here are the steps: 

1. Identify goals
   • What is the problem we are trying to fix? 

2. Think of possible solutions
   • Brainstorm – no idea is too silly or stupid to consider 
   • Write them all down 
   • Remind your adolescent/young adult of past success and how he/she handled it 

3. Evaluate proposed solutions based on family values
   • Is the solution fair? 
   • Will it work? 
   • Is it safe? 
   • How am I likely to feel? 
   • How will other people feel? 

4. Help your adolescent/young adult choose a solution if they want help doing so.

Helping your child with their emotions during eating disorder recovery can help them find healing.

See Our Guide to Emotions And Eating Disorders

Sometimes when a child has an eating disorder they get aggressive and even violent with family members. This is a deeply upsetting situation for parents. It’s especially hard if you’re already worn out from months or even years of caring for a child with an eating disorder.

The first thing to know is that getting angry, aggressive, and even physically violent are known symptoms that can accompany an eating disorder. They have been studied and observed in anorexia and bulimia. The most common symptoms are verbal and physical aggression against relatives and others who are close.

During eating disorder treatment, your child may have verbal or physical outbursts for seemingly minor things. The key is to work on understanding why they are getting so upset and to manage your own reaction to their emotional outburst. Trying to shut down violet behavior during eating disorder recovery isn’t typically effective, but managing your reactions to the behavior can defuse the situation and make things much better.

Someone with an eating disorder is living in a state of extremely high emotional dysregulation. This is a physiological state that is designed to keep us safe from predators. When it goes into overdrive, it can lead to a near-constant state of fight, flight, or freeze.

When your child is violent and aggressive in eating disorder recovery, it means they’re in a fight response. It is a signal that they are experiencing extreme fear and anxiety. It is not a sign that they have a character flaw or aren’t trying hard enough. When we soothe their physiological state, they will start to feel better and the violence will reduce.  

What happens when a child with an eating disorder gets violent

When a child gets physically violent during eating disorder recovery, parents can feel shocked, overwhelmed, and afraid. There’s so much shame and stigma around kids hurting their parents, and it’s rarely spoken about. 

Violent behavior does happen during eating disorder recovery, but it’s also something that needs to stop. There are no conditions under which a parent should accept violence. Additionally, your child’s violence is a symptom of extreme emotional distress. Living in a state of constant “fight” is not healthy. This means that ignoring it or pretending violence isn’t happening is dangerous for both your child and you.

Often it feels like the only possible responses to violence are to fight back, endure/ignore the violence, or call the police. Fighting back rarely ends well for anyone. And it can add to the shame involved for both parent and the child. And enduring or ignoring violence is unacceptable and, like fighting back, is dangerous for both the child and the parent.

The other response, calling the police, is something you may need to do at some point in the future. But most parents want to avoid that. And there are some steps between doing what you’re doing right now and calling the police.

How to prevent and handle violence during eating disorder recovery

Here are some steps you can take to help prevent and respond to violent behavior during eating disorder recovery and keep yourself and your child safe:

1. Respond to food aggression

The most common response to violent outbursts is to fight back with some form of physical or verbal wrestling about food and eating. However, when parents do this it rarely defuses the emotional tension that drove your child to their violent outburst. Fighting back is ineffective and often makes the outburst worse.

Violent outbursts are usually the result of extreme emotional disruption. And while it may feel as if it comes out of nowhere, there are usually patterns and signs that a violent outburst is coming. 

Before a violent outburst, your child will show symptoms of emotional dysregulation. These may include shifty eyes, tense body posture, pacing, or loud voice. Some kids will signal their dysregulation by swearing or name-calling.

Parents should be aware of the signs of patterns that signal a violent outburst is building and take steps to try and soothe their child’s nervous system as soon as possible.

2. Manage your own emotional dysregulation

Possibly the hardest thing to do when your child is getting aggressive and violent is to maintain your own emotional regulation. But if you are not emotionally regulated then your child will have a very hard time becoming regulated in your presence.

Work with a professional coach, therapist, or guide who can help you identify your common forms of emotional dysregulation and learn to regulate yourself with self-compassion and mindfulness.

If at any point during an aggressive confrontation you notice yourself becoming dysregulated, try to calm yourself. But if you can’t, take a break. Don’t blame your child for this by saying something like “You’re out of control so I’m leaving!” Instead, tell your child “I’m very upset right now so I’m going to take a break.” Then leave. Give yourself at least 20 minutes, which is how long it typically takes to soothe your nervous system.

Always come back to your child and talk about what happened. Leaving is not a problem, but if you leave without talking about it later, that will put your relationship at risk.

3. Label and mirror their feelings

An essential emotional regulation skill is to label and mirror your child’s feelings. This is a way of soothing your child. It shows that you are attuned to them and accept their feelings as valid and real. This step alone can transform your relationship with your child. This may not work if your child is already at the point of violence. But it can be used very effectively in the moments leading up to violence and may even prevent it.

Labeling is when you name your child’s feelings. You could say something like “I can see how angry you feel right now. You’re pacing and look agitated.” This video about the concept “name it to tame it” might be helpful:

Mirroring is when you repeat some of your child’s words back to them. For example, if your child says “you never listen to me and you’re always telling me what to do!” You could mirror back something like “it feels like I don’t listen to you.” If your child says “you can’t make me do it if I don’t want to!” You could mirror back “you don’t want to.”

When mirroring, your tone of voice matters just as much, and maybe more, than the words you say. Use what Chris Voss in his book Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It calls the “late-night DJ voice.” Imitate the voice of a late-night DJ: slow, steady, and soothing. With this voice, you comfort both your child’s and your own nervous system. It taps into your shared neurobiology to soothe and reassure. It communicates: we can handle this.

4. Narrate what’s going on

If your child does not calm down and moves aggressively towards you, calmly narrate what is happening in a supportive and non-judgmental manner. You could say things like:

• I sense how furious you feel, but it’s not OK to push me. I’m confident we can get through this without pushing.
• I can see that you are very angry, but I will not allow you to hit me, so I’m going to leave now. I’ll come back in about 20 minutes and we can try again.
• I understand that this is making you feel very upset, and you get to feel that way, but I’m not OK with you threatening me. Let’s sit here together and I know we can get through it.

These statements do the following:

• Label the child’s feelings and name the inappropriate behavior
• Set a clear boundary
• Show confidence that you can handle it
• Take responsibility for your safety by leaving if necessary

Your child may not like it when you do this, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.

Keep your narration short, simple, and factual. Don’t editorialize or debate what you’re saying with your child. Use the “late-night DJ voice” and keep your voice calm and regulated.

5. Don’t debate

One key in responding to anger is not to engage in debates with it. You will never win a debate when a person is in extreme emotional dysregulation. Most parents believe there must be a perfect verbal response to violence that will stop it. They think that other parents have figured it out and are doing better than them. But that’s simply not the case. 

Eli Lebowitz, author of Treating Childhood and Adolescent Anxiety suggests you focus not on debating but on simply getting through or getting out of the moment.

“Parents are not expected to be able to manage the disruptive situation, and instead focus on getting through it. Their only role while the child is acting in the disruptive manner is to ensure physical safety and resist being drawn into the interaction.”  – Eli Lebowitz & Haim Ober, Treating Childhood and Adolescent Anxiety

The passage continues with this advice: “remain silent, or state in a quiet way that the behavior is unacceptable. If necessary, parents should attempt to distance themselves from the child in order to minimize the potential for escalation.”

6. Follow up

Once everyone has calmed down, talk about what happened. Begin by telling your child that you know they are a good kid who was having a hard time. Tell them you are going to work with them on this because even though you know how angry they get, you know that they can handle their anger without getting violent.

Violence must be named clearly and in a detailed but non-emotional manner. Avoid pointing fingers, blaming, or criticizing. Think of yourself as a dispassionate reporter. State what you observed during the violent episode. 

Don’t ask questions like “What were you thinking?” or say things like “How dare you!” Because these will shut the conversation down or escalate another outburst. They will not be useful in preventing future violence. Maintain your own emotional regulation.

Talk through what you did in response to their outburst, and why. For example, if you narrated what was going on, tell them you did that because it’s important to name feelings and behaviors. If you left the room, tell them you needed to do that because violence is not acceptable.

If you did something that you regret, like wrestle with them verbally or physically, take responsibility for that and apologize for it without defending yourself. “When you approached me with your fist raised, I pushed you away. I’m sorry for doing that, as I have no intention of wrestling with you.” Or “When you called me that name, I cursed at you. I’m sorry for doing that, as I have no intention of swearing at you.”

You will need to follow all of these steps consistently before you see a change in behavior.  The longer violence has been a dynamic in your relationship, the more patience and commitment you need to give this new approach.

If violence continues: write a letter

If you have consistently responded to your child’s outbursts as described above, a written letter might be the next step. This is a way to make clear your beliefs and what you intend to do in response to violence. It is a way to formally escalate your attempt to solve this problem and make it clear to your child that you take it seriously.

Lebowitz suggests printing this letter and giving it to your child, then reading it aloud. He also says that even if your child’s response is to put their fingers in their ears and rip the letter into pieces, it has still sent a meaningful signal to your child that you are serious about ending the violence. 

The goals of the letter are to clearly define the specific problem of physical violence and say exactly what will happen in response. This makes clear exactly what is happening and escalates the situation in your child’s mind.

One of the biggest problems with physical violence and intimidation is that families don’t talk about it. This letter states clearly what the behavior is and how the parents are going to respond from now on. 

There is a very important thing that the letter does not do. It does not tell the child what they need to do differently. This is strategic and by design. Lebowitz says that the parents need to take responsibility for what the parent will do and how they will respond, but they should not tell the child what they should do, as this will be perceived as criticism and blaming, no matter how carefully done.

If violence continues: bring in supporters

If your child continues to physically threaten and attack you, then it’s time to enlist help from your community. This may feel like an extreme response, but it’s much less extreme and often more effective than calling the police. 

This is based on the strength of our social and community relationships. We are social beings, and the thought of someone outside the family witnessing the child’s violence can help end unacceptable patterns of violence. When done with support and love, bringing in supporters can make a huge difference.

“The role of supporters is not to shame children or embarrass them but rather to rally round the children, giving them the message ‘We all care about you, believe in you, and are going to help you.’” – Eli Lebowitz & Haim Ober, Treating Childhood and Adolescent Anxiety

Make a list of people in your family and community who might be able to help you. You are looking for people who have high levels of compassion and a good relationship with your child. Possible options include grandparents, uncles, aunts, friends and family, sports coaches, teachers, school psychologists, guidance counselors, your child’s eating disorder treatment team, and others. 

Lebowitz suggests a list of 5-10 supporters, at least some of whom are in your physical community. Then reach out to them and explain the reason for your request.

Telling your child about supporters

Once you have contacted your supporters, tell your child what you have done. You can say something like “August, your violent behavior has been escalating, so we have decided to get some community support. We have contacted [list the names] and told them about what’s going on. They’re going to contact you in the next few days, and we will also tell them each time you get violent with us.”

Your child will not like that you have told outsiders about their violent behavior. Be unwavering in your belief that this is the best approach, as your next option is calling the police, which is really a last resort. Don’t debate why you did this, who you chose, or whether it’s a terrible idea. Stay firm in your conviction that this is the right thing to do.

“Any objection on the part of the child to this step should be met with a simple statement: ‘When you act in a violent way, we will not keep that a secret.’ Parents should adamantly avoid any further discussion of this point.” – Eli Lebowitz & Haim Ober, Treating Childhood and Adolescent Anxiety

When things get violent during eating disorder recovery

This article is designed to give you ideas about how to handle violent and aggressive behavior during eating disorder recovery. If your child is struggling with emotions in eating disorder recovery, then I encourage you to seek professional coaching and support for yourself as you navigate this difficult situation. You will likely need it, and you definitely deserve support. You will also be more effective if you have someone who can help you weather this storm.

See Our Guide to Emotions And Eating Disorders

Emotions are a natural and essential part of being human, yet many people learn early on to push feelings aside instead of expressing them openly. This habit of emotional repression, bottling up or ignoring difficult emotions, can quietly set the stage for serious struggles, including eating disorders.

When emotions go unaddressed, they often find other ways to surface, and for some, disordered eating becomes a way to cope or regain control. Understanding this silent gateway is a crucial step toward healing and prevention, helping both parents and individuals recognize the deeper emotional roots behind eating disorders.

For the first time in history, our kids are experiencing higher levels of stress and anxiety than we as parents did. They worry about everything, from their bodies and school performance to social standing, politics, and climate change.

This constant anxiety is hurting their ability to feel good about themselves, impacting their health in profound ways. In this parent guide, we’ll explore why emotional repression acts as a silent gateway to eating disorders and share practical ways parents can help their children learn to process, not repress, their emotions. Understanding this connection is a crucial step toward supporting your child’s emotional well-being and preventing eating disorders before they take hold.

Cortisol and chronic stress

Cortisol, known as the stress hormone, is linked to many health issues, but the good news is that understanding how stress affects our kids can help us support their long-term well-being. While many of us focus on whether our children are eating enough fruits and vegetables, it’s often cortisol, caused by chronic stress and unprocessed anxiety, that has the biggest impact on their future health.

Rather than worrying about weight, focusing on managing stress and anxiety can truly make a difference in their longevity and overall wellness because it leads to lower levels of cortisol. One of the main sources of ongoing stress is repressed emotions. Interestingly, holding in emotions actually takes more energy than feeling and processing them as they arise.

Imagine trying to keep a beach ball submerged underwater while swimming—it requires constant effort. But if you simply let the beach ball float alongside you, swimming becomes much easier and more natural. By helping children learn to acknowledge and express their feelings, we can lighten their emotional load and empower them to navigate life with greater ease and resilience.

How most parents respond to negative emotions

Most of us were raised to repress and downplay our emotions. We did this especially with negative emotions like anger, fear, and hurt. If we are female, we were taught by well-meaning parents, teachers, peers, and religious leaders that girls should be sweet, kind, and easygoing. We were taught in ways explicit and implicit that being loud, angry, and fearful is unattractive. And we learned that being attractive is essential to being a good girl. If we are male, we were taught that being sad and afraid is unacceptable.

As a result of this thorough training, most of us unconsciously train our own children in the same way. When she cries, we wipe her tears and tell her everything is fine. We shush her and tell her to quiet down and come back when she can control herself. When she tells us she is afraid, we dismiss her fears as irrational and tell her there’s nothing to worry about.

Almost none of us know that what we can and should actually do is allow our children to have all of their emotions, feelings and anxieties. What almost none of us know how to do is accept our kids’ emotions gracefully and without fear.

It’s not just parents – our society hates emotions

It should be said that most of us are not great at processing emotions. This is through no fault of our own – it’s hard to feel feelings when you have been taught to repress them your whole life.

But even if a parent is an excellent emotional processor who fully accepts their child’s emotions, our kids still live in a society that discourages negative emotions.

Even if we do everything to the best of our ability, our society will still teach our kids to play a closely defined gender role when it comes to emotions. Those who rebel and refuse to meet the standards of emotional repression are often ostracized and bullied.

Emotional repression and eating disorders

It’s no surprise, nor is it debatable that human beings of any gender are born with the ability and the freedom to fully express and process their emotions. It’s also not a secret that over time, because they are driven to pursue parental and societal love and acceptance, our kids learn to feel guilt and shame every time they feel a negative emotion. They learn to believe that negative emotions much be repressed because they are “not allowed” or “not appropriate.”

This is a very bad thing, because emotions are physical as much as mental. They never fail to exist – they only go underground, where, trapped, they wreak havoc on our bodies and minds.

Think of the beach ball that you’re trying to keep underwater. It takes tremendous energy to keep it down, and inevitably, every once in a while it explodes out of the water, and then we must scramble to get it back down again. The process is exhausting and endless, because no matter how hard we try, the ball will never stay underwater peacefully. It will fight for freedom.

Emotional repression is the perfect gateway for eating disorders. Keeping our emotions underground becomes easier if we find ways to numb and disconnect from our emotions. One of the best ways to do this is through coping mechanisms like eating disorders, self-harm, and addiction.

Eating disorders feel good

Something few parents who have kids who have eating disorders realize is that eating disorders feel good!

Eating disorders may look dangerous, but the person who has an eating disorder may find it to be an effective way to find peace from the emotional turmoil that is always roiling beneath the surface. Eating disorders are the way some people manage live in a world that requires us to repress our emotions.

Even if they know intellectually that eating disorders are unhealthy, and even if they feel shame over them because they believe they are “stupid” or “disgusting,” a person’s eating disorder still makes them feel better in the short term. Eating disorders may look like monsters, but they feel like the ultimate caregiver.

The path to healing from an eating disorder

Emotional repression can contribute to eating disorders. This is why the path to healing from an eating disorder is an emotional one. Most people who have eating disorders must relearn what it means to feel emotions. They have hidden and repressed them for so long that they must slowly, gradually, rebuild our connection with their emotions.

The path to full emotional health requires us to actually feel. Sometimes for the first time in years or even decades. Feeling for the first time after an eating disorder is excruciating. Many people reach for their eating disorder behaviors again and again. Not because they want to. But because of the terror of facing their negative emotions without their preferred numbing agent.

When we have repressed our emotions and used our eating disorders to avoid feeling feelings, recovery means feeling again. And this unleashes physical sensations of panic similar to what we would feel if we were being chased by a tiger. I am not exaggerating. It’s really, really scary. Feeling feelings after an eating disorder is terrifying. But it is necessary in order to heal.

Over time, it gets easier. Once we learn to feel our emotions in a healthy, regular way, we no longer need to numb them away. We start to realize that trying to keep the beach ball underwater was an unnecessary use of our time, energy, and intellect. When we start swimming alongside the beach ball, we free up space, and the eating disorder is no longer necessary.

How parents can help

Parents can help their children recover from an eating disorder by first learning to better process their own emotions. Emotional regulation is something few of us learned in childhood, and almost all parents need more of it. Also, our kids develop healthy emotional regulation when they first co-regulate with their parents’ calm, confident nervous system.

The best and fastest way to do this is to work with a qualified therapist or coach. They can help you learn to regulate yourself and co-regulate with your child.

Next, parents can help their kids recover by accepting and allowing their kids to experience all emotions in eating disorder recovery. Learn emotional first aid. When your kids’ fear, anxiety, anger, and other negative emotions arise, let them. Don’t try to stop them. Be there, as steady as a rock. Allow your child’s emotions to surround you without fear of being swept away. It’s exhausting to do this work for your child. And it takes practice, but there is nobody who can do it better than you. It is, quite possibly, the greatest gift any of us can give to our children.

See Our Guide to Emotions And Eating Disorders

When a child begins to pull away emotionally, becoming distant, irritable, or shut down, it’s easy to chalk it up to stress, adolescence, or a bad mood. But emotional withdrawal can be one of the earliest and most overlooked warning signs of an eating disorder.

Long before food behaviors become obvious, many kids retreat inward, hiding their struggles in silence and shame. As a parent, noticing this shift is crucial. This guide will help you recognize the emotional red flags, understand why they matter, and take supportive steps to gently reconnect and guide your child toward healing.

Emotional withdrawal as a warning sign of eating disorders

Have you noticed that your child has become emotionally withdrawn? Are they spending less time with you, and not sharing their life with you? When a child is emotionally withdrawn, it is often a sign that their parents need to learn some new parenting skills. Emotional withdrawal in the parent-child relationship can be a red flag for eating disorders and other dangerous behaviors.

The most powerful emotional shield our children utilize when they are suffering is emotional withdrawal. They may withdraw slowly or abruptly. The overall goal of the withdrawal is to protect themselves from perceived danger in their relationship with us, their parents.

How does a child emotionally withdraw?

A child can become emotionally withdrawn using many different barriers, including:

• Physical isolation (e.g. always in a different room, behind a closed door, etc.)
• Emotional isolation (not sharing emotional intimacy with family members)
• Over-committing to outside interests such as friends, activities, and school
• Angry outbursts, verbal attacks, and abuse
• Stonewalling and being uncommunicative
• Sarcasm, eye rolling, slammed doors, etc.
• Crying
• Hiding behind electronic screens (e.g. social media, gaming, etc.)
• Saying “I’m fine” when it’s obvious they are not fine

Withdrawal is a very common tactic used by children who are experiencing emotional disruption. This includes when they have or are developing an eating disorder. A child who is protected by withdrawal is less likely to be “caught.” Thus the eating disorder is at lower risk of exposure.

Why withdraw?

Withdrawal is an emotional tactic used by people who are afraid they will not get their needs met in their most important relationships. Rather than confronting this fear, they shut down and pull away from the people who love them. Emotional withdrawal is the execution of the thought “I’ll dump you before you can dump me.” The person who is withdrawing desperately wants connection. But they are deeply convinced that the person from whom they are withdrawing is unable to love them completely as-is. They may be afraid that:

• If you knew the real me (all of me), you wouldn’t love me
• You don’t really love me
• You don’t understand or respect me

It is important for parents to understand this. Typically when a child withdraws, the parent experiences the withdrawal as a rejection. But in fact withdrawal is a desperate cry for attention.

Many times when our kids withdraw from a relationship with us, we feel the sting of rejection. We think things like:

• My child doesn’t respect me
• My child doesn’t need me anymore
• If my child wanted me around, they would treat me differently
• I can’t do anything right with my child
• My child gets everything they need from their friends

Unfortunately, this causes us to withdraw from our kids, which creates a self-perpetuating loop

• The child is afraid their parent won’t understand, so they withdraw.
• The parent feels rejected, so they withdraw or begin clinging.
• The child feels justified in believing their parent can’t understand them or meet their needs.

The result is that the child and parent both end up feeling unloved, hurt, abandoned, and uncared for. It’s deeply painful for both sides.

When withdrawal gets dangerous

There is a difference between healthy independence and emotional withdrawal. Our children seek healthy independence by gradually doing more and more on their own without seeking our prior opinion or approval. Healthy independent children do not feel ashamed of what they are doing and are not avoiding talking to their parents about these activities. In most cases, healthy independent children will share their explorations into independence in at least general terms with their parents.

When a child is withdrawing, they often have a sense of shame and sneaking while doing things outside of their parent’s view. This is especially true of a child who is exploring eating disorder behaviors, self-harm behaviors, drug and alcohol use, shoplifting, and promiscuous sexual activity.

They feel uneasy while doing these things because they believe that their parents would not approve or could not understand. These activities provide short-term relief for their suffering. And the only way they can see to continue pursuing is to erect a wall between themselves and their parents.

Not all kids who withdraw are doing the dangerous things listed above. But withdrawal from the family is a requirement for most people who engage in these behaviors. This is why withdrawal should be taken very seriously.

Reconnecting after withdrawal

Emotional withdrawal erodes the trust and security that underlies a healthy relationship. Our children require a connection with us in order to feel safe and secure as independent individuals. All kids long to feel loved, cared about, respected, and valued by their parents. When a child withdraws, it is usually a sign that they need their parents to learn some new parenting skills. 

If you sense that your child is withdrawing, take some time to think critically about the withdrawal patterns. Consider and write down:

• What behaviors am I noticing that suggest my child is withdrawing from me?
• How do I know that this is withdrawal and not healthy independence?
• How is my child most often relating to me, and how is it different from 6 months ago?
• Has anything changed in our family lately that may explain the withdrawal?
• Has anything changed in my child’s life lately that may explain the withdrawal?
• How am I responding to my child’s withdrawal? Am I doing things like crying, walking away, yelling, etc.?
• How does my child’s withdrawal make me feel?
• Are there times when my child is more open to me? When is my child least open to me? What patterns are there in the withdrawal behavior?
• What are we fighting about most? OR What is the “elephant in the room” that we are avoiding?

Getting help when a child emotionally withdraws

When a child is emotionally withdrawn, parents struggle. Everything is harder. If possible, find a therapist, counselor, coach, friend, or partner who can help. You need to talk and process your feelings about your child’s emotional withdrawal.

Your feelings are valid and important. Your feelings need space and you need to heal. Look especially closely at your reactive emotions to your child’s withdrawal. It hurts. Be there for yourself and care for your deep, vulnerable, primary emotions that are being hurt by your child’s withdrawal.

Process all of this with another adult before you address it with your child. The best way for you to help your child is to recognize that withdrawal is not a rejection of you, but an invitation to find another way of relating to your child. This situation requires you to tap into your parent side instead of your childlike, reactionary side. Your child needs you to be strong and stable for them.

What your child needs to hear

Your child needs to hear things like:

• I value your opinion
• I respect you
• I am willing to talk about hard things with you
• I care about you
• I’m not going to get critical like I have been in the past
• I’m going to stay right here. I’m not going to leave you like I have been doing when things get hard
• I’m going to hang in here and fight for our relationship
• I’m going to interrupt our pattern of withdrawal from each other

It may take a while for this to work. You are trying to break a pattern to which you have both become accustomed. It’s scary to get vulnerable after withdrawal. As parents, we need to keep showing up in a soft yet strong way. We need to continually show our child that we are fighting for our relationship with them. We have to prove – with anti-withdrawal behavior – that we are committed to them no matter what they say or do. Over time, we can replace the withdrawal cycle with supportive, loving, and nurturing parenting.

Getting help with withdrawal

It is often very difficult and sometimes impossible for a parent to reconnect with a withdrawn child without help. Don’t hesitate to seek professional support from a therapist, counselor, or coach. You should definitely seek professional help in the following cases:

• Your child refuses to engage with you and keeps you at arm’s length.
• You learn your child was or is currently engaging in dangerous behaviors. This may include an eating disorder, drug and alcohol use, shoplifting, self-harm, etc.
• You suspect your child was or may be engaging in dangerous behaviors. These may include an eating disorder, drug and alcohol use, shoplifting, self-harm, etc.
• You are unable to engage with your child without yelling, crying, shutting down and/or leaving during difficult conversations.
• After engaging with your child, you feel like you acted like a child.

An emotionally withdrawn child is harder to parent and harder to love. Emotions are linked to eating disorders, so emotional withdrawal can be considered both a risk factor and a symptom.

See Our Guide to Emotions And Eating Disorders

Crying over food is a deeply emotional and common experience during eating disorder recovery. Food can carry intense feelings like fear, shame, grief, or frustration, and these emotions can sometimes feel overwhelming.

Understanding how to respond with patience and compassion, both for yourself and your child, is essential for supporting healing. In this guide, we’ll explore why tears around food happen, what they mean in the recovery journey, and practical ways to handle these moments with care and kindness.

Emotional storms in eating disorder recovery

Many parents who have a child with an eating disorder feel buffeted by constant emotional storms, which may include yelling, crying, and arguments over food. Emotional distress is a natural part of having an eating disorder, because food and eating have become stressful and anxiety-producing.

When your child cries about food, it’s a symptom of their eating disorder. When you can see crying over food as part of the eating disorder, you’re more likely to feel as if there’s something you can do about it. And there is! If your child is crying over food during eating disorder recovery, then it’s just as important to manage the tears as it is to manage feeding them. Emotional skills are at the heart of effective eating disorder recovery, and parents are the best people to teach emotional regulation to their kids who are struggling.

Why does my child cry over food?

Crying, yelling, and arguing over food may see to come out of nowhere when your child has an eating disorder. You might be thinking that it’s going to be a good meal, and then suddenly everything seems to fall apart. Your child’s emotional storms may seem bizarre and unpredictable. But look deeper and you’ll learn that these storms are your child’s way of asking you for help. Yes, they’re uncomfortable. Of course we would rather our children come to us with polite and well-worded requests for help. But that’s not typically how it goes.

A child who has an eating disorder will ask for help not with words but behaviors. And sometimes the most difficult and off-putting behaviors are the most important ones to handle.

Emotional storms pass when you meet your child’s emotional needs. The good news is that any parent can learn how to provide emotional care even if it doesn’t feel natural. Here are six things to do when an emotional storm comes along:

1. Don’t freak out

The first thing you need to do for a child who starts an emotional storm is to stop your instinctual first response. You may actually be “emotion-phobic,” and feel physically repelled by a child who starts crying, yelling or arguing with you. Your first instinct may be to yell back, roll your eyes, or just leave the room.

But your child has very real needs for emotional connection. Emotional needs are just as life-critical as our need for air, food and water. Recognize that you are freaking out, remind yourself that this isn’t your fault but you still need to do the work, and focus on giving them what they need right now.

Regulate your own emotions so that you can stay steady. Our kids tune into how we feel, so the more regulated and calm we remain, the better our chances of influencing our kids to calm down.

2. Forget about time

It’s not unusual for parents to feel exhausted by their child’s emotional needs. One thought that might come up for you is how ridiculous it is that they’re crying over food, and you may think that you don’t have time to do this for them all the time. OK. That’s a valid fear for you.

Now take a breath and remember that your child is in the process of healing from a terrible, self-destructive disorder. Crying over food is a typical eating disorder symptom. It’s just as important to respond well to their crying as it is to serve them food. They need you to work through your aversions and show up for them when they cry over food during eating disorder recovery. Rest assured that your time investment and attention to their emotional care is absolutely worthwhile.

Also remember that emotional storms don’t last forever. Most emotional storms, when addressed compassionately, can be resolved in less than an hour. As your child heals and you get better at weathering these storms together, they may pass in just a few minutes. Like anything new, it’s going to take practice. Take a deep breath and just be here now. Go minute by minute if you need to, but stay with them and regulate your own emotions as much as possible.

3. Make it about your child, not you

It’s not unusual to feel very angry, overwhelmed, or irritated when a child starts crying over food when they have an eating disorder. But you have to set that aside. Dig deep. You child needs you, and this is part of your job as their parent. Make this moment about their needs.

An emotional storm is not the time for you to talk about how your child’s behavior makes you feel. Don’t ask them what you should do, what you were supposed to do, or any other questions that indicate you feel victimized by their emotions. During an emotional storm, your child needs you to be solely focused on their needs. This is not because your needs don’t matter (they absolutely do), but it’s all about timing, and this is not the time.

If you find yourself panicked and either lashing out or biting your tongue through every emotional storm, then please see a coach or therapist to help you with your very natural and real feelings of frustration. Your feelings are valid, and a qualified therapist can help you get your needs for self-expression met while still giving your child the emotional care they need during eating disorder recovery.

4. Reflect, don’t defend

When your child says something during an emotional storm, don’t debate, deny or judge what they said. Those responses are all defensive, which means you are defending against your child’s need for emotional connection. To them, it feels as if you have erected a wall between the two of you. Their continued yelling, arguing, or crying is an attempt to break the wall down.

Instead of getting defensive, reflect on what they say. This is how we show our kids that we hear and understand them, and it is what our children crave most from us. You will know this is working when the volume goes down.

This takes a lot of practice. Most of the time when we get defensive we genuinely don’t see ourselves as being defensive. You may not realize this, but denying that you are being defensive is actually being defensive. Listen to your child. If they rage even louder at you after you say something, then there is a good chance you said something to defend yourself against their emotional experience.

Remember that emotional storms pass when you meet your child’s emotional needs. So take a deep breath, and listen to what your child says. Reflect back to them what you heard so that they know you are listening.

5. Slow down

Sometimes parents attempt to solve their kids’ problems as quickly as possible, but if we try to move too quickly to resolve the problem, we will not meet our child’s emotional needs. Remember that whatever they are raging about is a cover for their actual need to feel emotionally connected with you.

If they are arguing with you about the stupidity of their meal plan, don’t tell them that’s just how it is and they need to get over it. Encourage them to talk about what the expectations of the meal plan means to them. You don’t need to change the meal plan! Just listen and understand what your child is saying about it.

If they are crying because they hate green beans, don’t tell them that green beans are healthy and delicious. Instead, help them use their feelings about green beans as a way to connect with you and feel heard and seen by you. You don’t need to take the green beans away or never cook green beans again! Just listen and understand what your child is saying about them.

Don’t say “it will all be fine.” Say “I can see it feels really bad for you right now,” and let them keep talking about it. This is how we build emotional connection. The result is that our children feel truly seen and understood by us, which is every child’s deepest wish.

This is hard. Remember that your child’s need for emotional connection is normal and natural, and within your power to give. It may not be easy, but you can learn to give them what they need to thrive. Be patient with yourself, and get the support you need to learn these skills.

But why so many?

If you are still wondering why your child with an eating disorder has so many emotional storms, here are a few things to consider:

1. Emotional care is a fundamental human need

All humans are hard-wired to seek emotional care as well as physical care from their parents. In fact, an infant sees no difference between emotional and physical care. Infants who are raised with only physical care and zero emotional care do not flourish. They suffer tremendously from lack of emotional nurturing. This is a biological adaptation based on the fact that we are social animals and thrive in groups. Emotional caregiving is how we bond with our group and remain safe and alive.

Your child’s emotional storms are an attempt to gain emotional caregiving. Rather than seeing it as a failure on their part of yours, see it as an opportunity to help them.

2. Some humans need more emotional care than others

Some people have a greater need for emotional intimacy than others. If your child has an eating disorder, then there is a good chance that they fall in the category of “Highly Sensitive People,” a trait that can been observed in the very first year of life. These children have a highly sensitive nervous system that can pick up on emotions in a way that seems supernatural to most people. It is not uncommon for parents who themselves have normal or low emotional sensitivity to have a child who baffles them with high sensitivity traits. This mismatch is not anyone’s fault but must be addressed during eating disorder treatment.

A child who has a lot of emotional storms during eating disorder treatment is showing that they need more emotional care. That care may look different than what you thought it meant to care for someone. It might look different than the care you’ve given to your other children or the care you received as a child. But it’s worth investigating the cause, the need, and learning new skills to support your child emotionally.

3. It’s not your fault

Very few parents intentionally neglect their children’s emotional needs. Most of the time the trouble lies in a misunderstanding of a child’s needs because they function differently than you do. When your child has an emotional storm, it’s hard not to feel personally attacked and defensive, especially if they are criticizing your parenting. You may be tempted to withdraw because it feels so hateful when you did (and are doing) your very best.

But please understand that this is not about whether you did your best. This is simply about the fact that you did your very best, and now there is more to be done. Emotions and eating disorders are linked, and this is your opportunity to help. Our children never lose their need to be seen and understood by their parents, and people who have eating disorders are likely to continue getting stuck in self-destructive behaviors as long as they feel emotionally under-nourished.

See Our Guide to Emotions And Eating Disorders

Anger is a common and often misunderstood part of eating disorder recovery, especially for children and teens. As your child works through the emotional and physical challenges of healing, intense feelings like anger, frustration, and defiance may surface.

These reactions can be alarming for parents, but they’re not a sign of failure; they’re a signal that your child is grappling with deep pain and fear. In this article, we’ll explore why anger shows up during recovery, how to respond with calm and compassion, and strategies to maintain connection while setting healthy boundaries that support your child’s healing journey.

What “recovery anger” looks like

If your child has an eating disorder, it’s very possible that they feel angry while recovering. Most parents do everything they can to support their children, and they do not anticipate the anger that often comes with recovery. Anger during eating disorder recovery can look like:

• Yelling at you
• Refusing to go places and do things with you
• Mumbling curses under their breath
• Angry looks and smirks
• Talking about you with disdain to other people
• Criticizing you

Almost all parents have done the absolute best job they possibly can in raising their child to be whole, confident and strong. When a child has an eating disorder, it can feel like a slap in the face after all the effort you have put into parenting.

And yet, here it is. And it means there is work to be done.

Why your child gets angry when recovering from an eating disorder

Many people who have eating disorders use eating disorder behaviors as a way to go around, avoid, or completely ignore uncomfortable feelings. Instead of processing emotions in a healthy manner, eating disorder behaviors help take feelings underground. This results in a build-up of negative emotions for which they have no skills (other than maladaptive ones like restricting, bingeing and purging) to process.

This is why it can be very normal for your child to feel angry when recovering from an eating disorder. It’s often a sign that they are feeling feelings. Anger is one of the most common feelings, and is typically easier to access and express than more complicated emotions like despair, fear, loneliness, distrust, and languishing.

During eating disorder recovery, your child must learn new skills to process their complex feelings in healthy, adaptive ways. These skills are easy to comprehend on an intellectual level, but they are very difficult to practice, and even more difficult to integrate into everyday behavior.

Getting angry can be a good sign

Recovering from an eating disorder requires your child to practice processing feelings like anger in real-time. Because they have incomplete coping tools for doing this, it feels raw and terrifying when anger comes up. At the same time, parents, siblings and other loved ones experience a person who was fairly pleasant and easy-going transform into one who seems irrationally angry.

This is a critical moment in recovery. When your child stops hiding their feelings and allows socially unattractive emotions such as anger to arise, it means they are healing. But it’s also very unpleasant to be on the receiving end of this anger. It’s hard to watch your child who has an eating disorder tap into all their rage and anger.

Your child may feel very sorry. But they actually need to be unapologetic about having feelings, including anger. They know this is hard for you, but they also need you to be able to tolerate their anger as they heal. They need a safe space in which to exercise their new tools for feeling feelings in real-time, which includes feeling anger and other “unacceptable” feelings.

It will get harder before it gets easier

Difficult emotions may be hard for you to see, especially since many people who have eating disorders seem pretty easy-going and agreeable. People who have eating disorders often anticipate others’ emotions and are sensitive to socially-acceptable behavior. Many mold their emotional expression to fit others’ needs.

You may not have noticed how much was remaining unsaid about how your child felt and what they sensed on an hourly basis. There’s a good chance they have been hiding a lot from you.

You may have never asked them to repress their emotions, but many times kids behave in ways that they believe will protect their loved ones from dangerous emotions like anger. Your child may have intuited that you couldn’t handle their anger, and thus found ways to work around it and hide it from you. There’s no need to blame yourself, but it’s important to know that your child has been experiencing you in this way.

When a person begins to recover, they have to stop protecting their parents from their feelings. They have to start allowing their anger, frustration, jealousy, hurt, pettiness, cowardice, and all other negative emotions to surface without a buffer. It’s intense for you. It’s intense for them. But if they shut this down, they risk their recovery.

This is why your child feeling angry when recovering from an eating disorder is both normal and difficult.

Here are four ways parents can deal with a child who is expressing a lot of anger while in the eating disorder recovery process:

1. Don’t take it personally

No matter what your child says, you need to try and remember that you should not take their words personally. They may say awful, nasty things. And some of them may be true. But if you take their words personally, you will shut them down immediately.

Your child is learning to process in new ways, without their eating disorder behavior. They need you to be stronger than their words right now so that they can learn on their own how to do this without turning to restricting, binging, and purging. This is really not about you. It’s about them learning to do new things.

2. Don’t get defensive

Your child will probably call into question things you have done, things you said you would do, and things you didn’t do. They will do this a lot. It will hurt. But remember that this is not about roasting you on a spit. This is actually your child testing out ways to communicate without their disorder. It’s messy. It can hurt. It’s often a sign of healing.

Please don’t get defensive and tell them that something didn’t happen or that something had to happen the way it did. The “thing” is not the point. They are testing out the idea that someone who loves them can tolerate their pain. They want to feel held and accepted with their pain. Take a deep breath and ignore your deep desire to defend yourself.

3. Acknowledge and accept anger

Your child has anger. The only way they knew to process anger before was to make their body suffer. Now they are trying to learn to process anger in healthy ways. When they are processing anger with you, the best thing you can do is acknowledge and accept the anger without judgment.

Listen. Acknowledge what is said (acknowledgment is not the same as agreement). Validate them and tell them their feelings are important. Apologize if you did something wrong. Let them know that you wish they never had to suffer this pain, but that you believe they can handle it. Tell them you are here for them no matter what they say or do. Let them cry. Let them mourn. Let them rage. Feeling feelings, including anger, is important and healthy.

4. Let it be

It’s going to be uncomfortable. It’s going to downright suck. You’re going to make mistakes and mess up in this process. Your child might say terrible things to you. But all you need to do is remember that each time your child brings up anger, it is part of eating disorder recovery. Your only job is to let it be. Allow their anger to exist in the world.

Many parents believe our job is to make pain and anger go away for our kids. We think we are supposed to fix things for them and make them better. But our children need us to just let their pain and anger exist in nature. Just like thorns on a rosebush, anger does not make them ugly. It is natural and part of all of us. Our children need to know they can be loved with their anger. They need to know this in order to recover. Just let it be.

A parents’ job during recovery is undeniably difficult. Emotions and eating disorders are linked, and recovery requires new emotional skills. As a child learns new skills, their parents need to learn how to handle emotions, too. This is hard. Please get the support you need to be the parent your child needs during this time. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help.

See Our Guide to Emotions And Eating Disorders

When your child is struggling with an eating disorder, emotional support is just as crucial as medical care. Providing emotional first aid, immediate, compassionate responses to your child’s feelings and behaviors, can help soothe distress, reduce anxiety, and strengthen your child’s sense of safety during moments of crisis.

Many parents feel unsure about how to respond effectively when their child experiences intense emotions related to their eating disorder. This guide will help you learn practical, loving strategies to offer emotional first aid that supports your child’s healing journey and fosters connection, trust, and resilience.

Emotional hygiene

We all know to teach our kids to brush their teeth twice per day. But most of us don’t know to teach our kids to feel their feelings when they arise (rather than repress them).

Emotional first aid

We all know to give our child a band aid when they are bleeding. But most of us don’t know how to give emotional first aid when they’re crying, angry, or upset.

If you have a child who is struggling with body hate, disordered eating, or eating disorders (or any mental health condition), they need help with emotional hygiene and emotional first aid. Parents are in an excellent position to provide this support.

Here are some key points to consider as you teach your child emotional hygiene and emotional first aid:

How to practice emotional hygiene

These are the regular practices you should do to help your child learn emotional hygiene.

1. Feel feelings

Take time every day to tune into your child’s feelings. Ask them how they are feeling, especially when they appear agitated and upset.

It’s important to learn to feel feelings without resistance or repression. Most of us were raised in families that encouraged emotional repression, but repression causes chronic stress, which has serious health consequences.

Instead, parents should learn to help their kids feel feelings naturally and without resistance. This includes the difficult feelings like anger, shame, sadness, and envy.

The most important thing parents can do is recognize that there is nothing wrong with having these feelings. They are perfectly normal and adaptive. The problems come when we repress them, which can create a cascading effect of mental health and physical health consequences.

2. Build connections

Build an emotional connection with your child every day. Make sure that you connect with them in a meaningful, loving way at least once.

Feeling as if we belong is a fundamental element of emotional and physical health. Chronic loneliness is as dangerous for your child’s health as cigarettes.

Help your child feel connected to you, your family, and his or her friends. Be intentional about building a sense of individual connection and community connection.

3. Ask for feedback

Ask your child for feedback every once in a while. Encourage them to talk to you about how you make them feel. Ask them to let you know what they need from you.

A lot of parents feel trapped by parenthood. Most of us feel as if everyone else knows what to do, but we don’t. The isolation that parents feel is real, and it’s also toxic. We just can’t be great parents when we feel as if we’re doing everything wrong. Luckily, there is an authority on parenting that we may not have thought about: our kids.

Part of being mentally healthy is knowing you have the power to change things that aren’t working for you. When we allow our kids to give us feedback, we empower them to pursue mental health.

It can be hard to hear feedback from our kids. All of us want desperately to be good parents. Remind yourself that you and your child need to practice the feedback loop. So far, it’s probably been mostly one-way. You tell your child what to do, they say they don’t want to, and you tell them to do it anyway.

When you open things up and start to listen to them, it may be overly-harsh. Help them understand that you’re trying your best. Try to listen to feedback without interrupting or correcting. Then try to act on some of their feedback.

How to give emotional first aid

Parents can help their kids by practicing emotional first aid. This means responding to a child’s emotional emergencies in a loving, compassionate manner. Some symptoms of an emotional emergency include:

• Crying
• Yelling
• Throwing a tantrum
• Stonewalling (ignoring you)
• Whining
• Being mean to a sibling, parent, or friend
• Eating disorder behaviors
• Substance use/abuse
• Self-harm behaviors

When your child “acts up” or is upset, pull out your emotional first aid kid and get to work!

1. Accept the feelings

Unfortunately, when a child need emotional first aid, it’s often very uncomfortable for us. When they have an emotional emergency, our instinct is to shut them down, tell them to quiet down, or ignore them.

But these actions tell our child that we don’t accept their feelings. And when parents don’t accept kids’ feelings, the child interprets that to mean that we don’t accept them as people. You might not like this idea, but it’s true.

When your child has an emotional emergency, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that their behavior is a signal that they need first aid. Try to open your heart and respond calmly and confidently.

Let the feelings happen without impediments. Tell your child that you accept their feelings and are here to listen to them. This may seem counter-intuitive, but the faster you can fully accept your child when they are throwing a tantrum, the faster the tantrum will recede.

2. Validate the feelings

Your child needs to know that you accept the feelings no matter what they are. So make sure you have covered the first step in this process, first.

Next, you can help your child define their feelings. This means helping them describe how they feel and validating their feelings to help them process how they are feeling.

Here’s an example of the process:

Parent: Can you tell me how you’re feeling right now?

Child: Angry!

Parent: OK. I hear you. You feel angry. Do you want to tell me more?

Child: I hate that Mary ignored me today!

Parent: I know it’s so hard to feel ignored.

Child: Yes, and she’s stupid!

Parent: When people reject us, it’s normal to feel angry and ignored. I understand.

Keep talking with your child, and validate each of their feeling statements with a comment that lets them know you heard what they said. Don’t try to edit them or change their mind. Just give them validation for their feelings.

3. Help them move on

If you have followed the process above, then your child is probably calming down a little bit. Don’t be alarmed if this comes in waves. They may go from yelling to crying to nodding in agreement with you. It’s all part of emotional first aid.

Once your child seems calmer, you can add some ideas for moving on. For example, you might say: is there anything I can do to help you right now? Or: Is there anything you want to do about this?

Neither of these questions tells your child what to do or how to feel, but it helps signal that once the feelings are felt, we can consider whether we want to take any further action.

Help your child brainstorm what might make them feel better after an emotional emergency. Some ideas include:

• Take a nap
• Take a walk
• Zone out watching TV
• Take a shower or bath
• Call a friend
• Have some tea

All of these are acceptable responses to an emotional emergency. They are adaptive methods of moving on from having feelings. Remember that emotions and eating disorders are linked, so providing emotional care can help a person recover.

Dr. Guy Winch TED Talk

Dr. Guy Winch presented an excellent TED Talk based on the idea that if we learn, and if we teach our children emotional hygiene and emotional first aid, we will be more successful, happier, live with fewer illnesses and enjoy a longer life expectancy.

In his TED Talk he said:

“We all know how to practice physical health … but what do we know about how to maintain our psychological health? Nothing. What do we do to teach our children about emotional hygiene? Nothing.”

“How is it we spend more time taking care of our teeth than we do our minds?”

“Why is it that our physical health is so much more important to us than our psychological health?”

“It is time we close the gap between our physical and our psychological health.”

See Our Guide to Emotions And Eating Disorders

Teenage anger can feel overwhelming and challenging for parents, but how you respond can make all the difference in maintaining connection and trust. When your teenager lashes out, it’s natural to want to fix the situation quickly, but certain responses can escalate conflict or push your teen further away.

Learning what to say—and what to avoid—during these intense moments can help you support your teen’s emotional growth while keeping communication open. In this guide, we’ll explore effective strategies for responding to teenage anger with empathy, patience, and respect, helping you navigate these tough conversations with confidence.

Living with a bomb

Living with a teenager can feel like you’re constantly waiting for a bomb to explode. Their anger may last hours, days or even months. Though you are a parent, and you love your kid, you are also a human being who is wired with mirror neurons. This means that living in the face of anger can really drag you down because you will mirror the anger right back unless you learn to manage it with compassion.

When your teenager is angry, you might be tempted to say things like:

• There’s no need to be angry, Sweetie. It will all be OK.
• Why are you so angry all the time? It’s really upsetting!
• Your anger is contagious! You’re making us all crazy!

It’s OK if you have said these things in the past – you’re human. But it’s also likely that you have noticed that such statements are not very effective at getting your teenager to change angry behavior. It’s not as if when you say these things your teenager turns around and says “You know what, Mom, you’re right! I’m going to stop being angry right now.”

Instead, there’s a good chance that your teenager gets even angrier, and responds either by turning their anger on you or walking out of the room, avoiding any further contact. Either action fosters separation, not connection.

When you have a child with an eating disorder like anorexia, bulimia or binge eating disorder, anger management is an important part of healing, but not in the way you might think. It’s not that you want the anger to go away. You never want to suggest that your child should not FEEL anger. Instead, you want to help your child feel the anger in a more productive way. A lot of times this means understanding that anger is a common mask used to hide truer, deeper feelings that are very uncomfortable to feel.

By taking a look at this “Anger Iceberg,” you might recognize some of the deep feelings that your teenager is attempting to mask with anger – and with his or her eating disorder. Many people with eating disorders attempt to protect themselves from feelings like hurt, envy, insecurity, and loneliness.

So, when you want to talk to your child about his or her anger, don’t try to take the anger away. Instead, observe your teen carefully and identify some of the feelings the anger is masking.

Here’s What To Say

If your teen is in the midst of an angry explosion, set boundaries about how that anger is expressed (i.e. no physical violence, hitting walls, slamming things, or throwing things), but don’t try to stop the feeling itself. You can handle it. It will pass.

When the explosion has passed (it always does), regroup with your child and honor and accept the anger.

• I understand that you got really angry earlier, and I want you to know that I heard how upset you were. It’s so frustrating when <say something about the situation that sparked the anger>. I feel angry about stuff like that, too.

Important: Do not say that the anger hurts you. Remember that the anger was just a mask for deeper feelings, and feelings deserve to be felt. You are responsible for helping your child learn to process feelings in a safe, healthy way.

Next, take things a bit deeper. For example:

• I noticed that this happened shortly after you got your Algebra test back. Do you want to talk about how you felt when you got your score?
• I get the feeling that the anger you felt might have something to do with the fact that Jenny and Kim have been leaving you out of things – is that true?
• Tomorrow is the big recital. Sometimes when we act like we are angry, we are actually feeling nervous, or something else uncomfortable. Is it possible that you’re feeling anxious about the recital?

This attempt to discuss deeper feelings may or may not result in a discussion. Many teenagers, especially boys, are not going to open up to you about this. And many girls will turn your attempt to talk into a whole new fight. Both of these are attempts to NOT FEEL their true feelings.

But it’s OK if those things happen. The point is not for you to have a great conversation. The point is for you to say that there is a potential for an Anger Iceberg, and that you are willing and able to accept all of their feelings – whatever they are.

Emotions and eating disorders are linked, so this is not a one-time conversation. This is a conversation that you can have many times with your child to gradually teach him or her how to start looking more deeply at their feelings – both expressed and unexpressed – and to help them see that feelings are not to be feared.

See Our Guide to Emotions And Eating Disorders