Parents: here’s how to not fat shame your kids

Even well-meaning parents can unintentionally say or do things that shame their children about their bodies, especially when it comes to weight. Fat shaming doesn’t have to be overt to be harmful; subtle comments about food, appearance, or health can leave lasting emotional scars and increase the risk of eating disorders, low self-esteem, and body dissatisfaction.

The good news? You can break the cycle. In this guide, we’ll walk you through common parenting pitfalls to avoid and share supportive, body-positive strategies to help your child grow up with a healthy relationship to food, body, and self-worth.

Break the cycle of body shame

We live in a body-shaming society, and unfortunately, shame often starts at home when parents criticize their kids’ weight. In my conversations with parents, fat shaming is almost always accidental and well-intended, but it has some terrible consequences. Also, it doesn’t always include the word “fat” or seem like a criticism to the parent. 

Fat shaming is when you make comments and suggestions about your child’s weight. Kids, by nature, jump to conclusions, particularly when information comes from the people they trust most: parents. Their unfortunate interpretation of fat-shaming comments is that they must lose weight and stay thin to be accepted, worthy, and loved.

Since we live in a body-shaming society in which weight is criticized and ridiculed, any comments you make about weight will likely be received by your child (whether you intended it or not) as fat shaming. 

You can explain the meaning and purpose behind weight-based comments all you want, but what matters is how your child received your comment. It’s a parent’s responsibility to pay attention not to what you meant, but how your child feels when you make comments. If it makes them feel bad about their bodies, it’s fat shaming.

Why parents should avoid fat shame with kids

We have plenty of research showing that when parents fat shame their kids they create the ideal environment for disordered eating and parental alienation. If you’re making comments about your child’s weight in an attempt to make them healthy, please know that fat shaming is 100% the worst way to improve kids’ health.

Many people who have eating disorders can remember feeling shame about their weight and fat based on comments from their parents. Parents’ comments about weight contribute to our dangerous society in which body hate, disordered eating, and eating disorders thrive.

The impact of parents who fat shame kids

Weight-shaming by parents is linked to various negative outcomes, including anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Furthermore, there is a higher probability of weight gain and an increased risk of developing eating disorders.

Most parents who fat shame their kids are hoping it will support their kids in achieving/maintaining a thin body and health. But there’s a surprising side effect of fat shaming: weight gain. Surprisingly, attempting to help your child lose weight often backfires.

Research reveals that children whose parents perceived them as overweight experienced more weight gain compared to children considered to be of normal weight. Additionally, the children who were labeled as overweight were more prone to developing a negative self-image and eating disorders.

How parents can avoid fat shaming their kids

Based on interviews with hundreds of people who have eating disorders, I implore parents to never fat shame their kids. That means:

• Never talk to your child about their body size, shape, and weight in a tone that is not completely neutral
• Don’t talk negatively about your child’s body size, shape, and weight to someone else
• Never talk negatively about another person’s body size, shape, and weight (i.e. yourself, your friends, family members, celebrities, or any other person)

Examples of parental fat shaming

Sadly, there are plenty of examples of parental body shaming. Just a single hashtag (#theysaid) that trended on Twitter in May 2017 exposes hundreds of damaging comments:

Fat Shaming Moms

“Honey you need to take these, don’t you want to be pretty?” my mom giving me diet pills when I was 11 @char_cut

“You need to be careful. You’re getting a spare tire. You’ll end up fat” – my Mum. I was 11 years old. @thesophbot

“You have such a pretty face. It’s a pity you’re so fat. No man will ever marry you.” My mother to me circa age 12 @geekspertise

“You should stop eating,” Being slim is the best body type,” “No one likes fat girls” – my mom and my grandma @iqueenwinters

“Boys don’t date fat girls.” My mom to 10 year old me @lysslynne

“Are you sure you’re not pregnant? You look 6 months pregnant.” My mom @thebaronessM

Fat Shaming Dads

“Keep eating like that and you’re going to be a butterball.” My Dad when I was 12. @oiselle_sally

Father looks at pre-teen daughter as she eats an Oreo and says, “Are you sure you want that?” @amyblaszyk

You have a such a pretty face just think if you lost weight. My dad’s favorite shaming thing to say @mellissadufesne

You don’t want to be a fat teenager. – my dad when I was 12 @jesserin87

“Why can’t you be skinny like your friend? You don’t want to end up like your mother.” Thanks, dad. @stephmillbetty

“You don’t need that, you’re going to be as big as a house!” My dad when I was 6 @whit_brianne

My dad told me that a 16 inch waist was healthy and that I should try to slim down towards it. AKA the circumference of a cd. @dearjuless

My struggles with food started when I was 8 or 10 (and thin) and my dad said my nickname would be lardass @terrybeigie

Fat Shaming Grandparents

“You’re getting really chunky” – my grandmother, when I hit puberty. @thingjen

“Well well Chubby Checker, someone’s put on some weight” – my grandpa after seeing me in a sleeveless top @mmrach82

My grandmother told my mom, in front of me, if Jen wasn’t so fat, I could buy the same size for her and her cousin. I was 4! @jennydbaker

Fat Shaming Coaches and Teachers

“You’ve worked harder than anyone here but you’re just too fat to dance in this production.” My dance studio’s creative director @audaciouslyalex

“If you keep eating pretzels like that you’re going to be as big as a house one day” – 7th grade history teacher @mariamichta

“This is a great exercise for when your thighs start to rub together, emily.” 5th grade gym teacher in front of my class @emmickhue

Why parents should not use fat shaming to motivate kids

I understand there is a pervasive belief in our society that weight gain is inherently bad and that all people must pursue diets and weight loss to be healthy. This is not true. In fact, weight loss does not result in better health and almost always leads to weight cycling, which is less healthy than maintaining a steady weight.

Because people believe that weight is inherently unhealthy (it’s not), they believe that they must save fat people from being fat, and shame is a common “motivational” approach. However, according to researchers at Harvard, “Shaming may make children feel like they cannot change. Rather than motivating them, it may make them feel like they aren’t capable.” This ends up demotivating kids to adopt healthy habits like getting enough sleep, avoiding loneliness, eating well, and moving their bodies.

When it comes to parents who fat-shame their children, perhaps the parents are trying to help their children be healthier. But even if you believe your intentions are good, fat-shaming behavior is hurtful and leads to poor health. Fat shaming is directly linked to weight gain and eating disorders.

Using shame as a parenting technique is consistently shown to result in very negative outcomes for children. Children whose parents use shame often suffer from low self-esteem and exhibit mental disorders including anxiety, depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and eating disorders.

Parents who use shame believe they are motivating their children to be better. It is a form of behavior modification, but it has proven ineffective and destructive. This is because most people, especially children, cannot distinguish between their impulses, their actions, their bodies, and themselves as human beings. Shaming condemns the child, making them feel unworthy of love, dignity, and acceptance as they are.

It’s more than what you say about your child

Beyond what you say about your child’s weight, your beliefs about weight trickle into everyday conversations. While fat-based comments may be common among your peers, they are known to increase weight stigma and shame in children. Here are some ways that parents accidentally increase weight stigma in kids:

• Making jokes and rude comments about and to larger people
• Talking about their bodies and weight disparagingly
• Commenting on actors’, models’, influencers’ and celebrities’ weight
• Talking about other people’s weight gain as shameful and within their control
• Saying that dieting is the solution to weight gain (the No. 1 outcome of dieting is weight gain)
• Suggesting that weight regain after weight loss is the person’s fault (weight regain happens in 95% of cases)
• Making comments that suggest larger people are choosing their weight (weight is mostly genetic)

Fat shaming doesn’t improve health for anyone

The American Psychological Association presented evidence in 2017 showing that fat shaming is not an effective health treatment. “Fat shaming is not an effective approach to reducing obesity or improving health,” said Joan Chrisler, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Connecticut College, during a symposium titled “Weapons of Mass Distraction — Confronting Sizeism.”

“Stigmatization of obese individuals poses serious risks to their psychological health,” she continued. “Research demonstrates that weight stigma leads to psychological stress, which can lead to poor physical and psychological health outcomes for obese people.”

McHugh concluded that treatments should focus on mental and physical health as the desired outcomes for therapy, not on weight.

What to do if you have fat shamed your kids

If you have been fat-shaming your kids, then send yourself some self-compassion. Yes, what you did was unhelpful, but you didn’t know that then. The only way you can move forward gracefully and truly help your child is to have compassion for yourself as you own up to your mistakes.

Once you realize you’ve been fat-shaming your kids and you understand that it was hurtful, have a conversation in which you openly admit that what you did was wrong and that you are working to change.

Before you begin, here are a few ground rules:

• Acknowledge that fat shaming was a mistake on your part
• Say that you are going to work on your behavior
• Ask your child to tell you in the future if they believe you are fat-shaming
• Do not get defensive when your child responds. You made a mistake, and you must own that mistake. Don’t defend yourself. Just say you will try to do better.
• Don’t get into debates or arguments about body size, weight, diet, etc.
• Conduct more research about weight and diets.

An apology script

Here is a starting script for apologizing if you have been fat-shaming your kids:

“Sweetie, I’m so sorry. I realize that I’ve made some negative comments about your weight, and also my own. I understand now that what I was doing is wrong, and I’m going to work really hard not to do it anymore. I want you to know that I’m paying attention to it, and also I’m open to talking about it anytime.”

This is eating disorder prevention

As a society and as individual parents, we must recognize that when parents fat shame kids, it puts them at risk for eating disorders. Eating disorders are a multi-layered problem, but this is one factor that is entirely within parents’ control.