Do you kind of hate your teenager? Do you sometimes wonder how it’s possible that the sweet little toddler you loved so much has turned into a monster? Are you out of ideas for how to make things better – or at least not so bad – at home?
The good news is that you don’t have to hate your teenager. The bad news is that it’s going to require significant effort on your part. You may think that they are the one who has a problem. But if you want things to improve, it’s up to you to take action.
Please understand, parents are not to blame for kids’ behavior. Our kids are their own people, with their own temperament, their own experiences, and their own free will. But when parents complain about their children, they have two choices:
- Keep complaining and feel hopeless about ever getting along with a difficult teen.
- Look inward and see what changes we can make ourselves to improve our experience of the relationship.
When we choose the second path, there is a chance for change, both in ourselves and in our kids.
But remember, this is not coming from blame. It is not meant to suggest that you haven’t tried your very best and given your child everything you could so far. It’s just that if you kind of hate your kid, then what you’ve been doing isn’t working so well for you. Read on if you want to consider one possible way things could get better.
You are not a bad parent, and this isn’t about love
If you kind of hate your teenager, you may feel like a bad parent. You may think that your feelings of dislike for your teenager mean you are unsuited to parenting them. And you may cry out in pain because you love your child so much, and you just can’t figure out what went wrong.
When our kids act out and infuriate us, it’s not because we didn’t love them enough, and it doesn’t mean they don’t love us. But it does mean that your relationship needs help. And if you’re reading this article, then it means that you are motivated to improve it. You’re motivated to translate your love into the sort of behavior that will build a deep and loving relationship with your child. That’s a good place to start!
Remember that we can’t change other people, but often when we change ourselves and our behavior, we change the way people respond to us. This is the key to rebuilding a relationship with a child who drives you crazy. Recognize that you can’t control or fix your child into treating you better. But you can change the way you behave, and you may see some positive results.
4 tips for improving a relationship with your teenager when you sort of hate them
1. Get professional support
This is going to be challenging. You need someone on your side, but not just a cheerleader or someone on whose shoulder you can cry. You need those people, too. But for serious work, you need a professional who can guide you towards a healthier relationship with yourself and your family. A therapist, counselor, coach, or another person will hold you accountable for your part of the dynamic while gently guiding you towards more productive behavior.
2. Work on your boundaries
A teenager who behaves angrily and hatefully toward their parent is struggling with roles and security. Maybe your boundaries were overly-harsh, and they feel penned in and trapped. Maybe your boundaries were too porous, and they don’t know where you end and where they begin. All of us thrive in relationships that have good boundaries, but a lot of us never learned how to set and hold boundaries with the people we love. Learning to establish appropriate boundaries will improve your relationship.
3. Learn about attachment
All of us have an attachment style. This is based on how we were parented. And while about 56% of adults have a healthy (“secure”) attachment style, the rest have less-secure attachment. Attachment is nobody’s fault. It’s something that happens to us before we have any free will. And even the most loving parents may have less-secure attachment. And even secure parents can raise kids who have a less-secure attachment style. Less-secure attachment can result in a teenager whom you kind of hate. And one of the most important things you can do to rebuild your relationship is to learn about attachment and move towards greater security.
4. Rebuild your relationship
Remember that if you hate your teenager, it means your relationship – that means both of you, and possibly your whole family – needs some relationship repair. Even if it seems like your child is the problem, relationships are, by definition, interconnected. This means that everyone involved plays a role. And the good news is that if you work on yourself and your role, there’s a good chance that your relationships will improve. Perhaps not magically, easily, or quickly. But over time, and with effort, parents can usually rebuild relationships with angry teens.
Bad behavior is a reflection of the relationship
One of the hard lessons we need to learn as parents is that “bad behavior” in our kids is not a result of our child being “bad.” It’s more often a reflection of the state of our relationship.
From a parents’ perspective, it often seems like the child has a problem. Perhaps they are “too stubborn,” or “a jerk.” But a child’s behavior towards their parent is almost always an attempt to communicate.
Unfortunately, a lot of the time our kids’ “communication” seems rude, condescending, and tests our boundaries. But these behaviors are always our kids’ attempt to get our attention and ask for our help.
It makes sense to blame our teens for bad behavior. It also makes sense to feel angry and ashamed when our teens act out. But if we actually want to stop hating our teens, the only possible path forward is to look inward and seek to change our own behavior, which is often the only way to change our family dynamics.
Why teenagers are so difficult
While hormones and maturation tell some of the story of why teens are difficult, they miss a major element: parental attachment. Without a healthy and secure parent-child attachment, teens become increasingly difficult to parent as they age.
How do you know if you and your teenager lack healthy attachment? Well, the most obvious sign is that you don’t like them very much, and they don’t seem to like you, either. If you’re struggling to like your teenager, then it’s time to work on your attachment relationship. This is within your control and it’s something you can do without your child’s active involvement. But it will be hard, so it’s best to find a therapist or coach who can help you understand what’s going on and what you can do to change your dynamic.
You don’t have to hate your teenager
It may seem impossible, but you don’t have to hate your teenager. You don’t have to white-knuckle your way through adolescence. More importantly, if you build a more secure attachment, you will find that life is much easier.
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Ginny Jones is on a mission to change the conversation about eating disorders and empower people to recover. She’s the founder of More-Love.org, an online resource supporting parents who have kids with eating disorders, and a Parent Coach who helps parents supercharge their kid’s eating disorder recovery.
Ginny has been researching and writing about eating disorders since 2016. She incorporates the principles of neurobiology and attachment parenting with a non-diet, Health At Every Size® approach to health and recovery.
Ginny’s most recent project is Recovery, a newsletter for deeply feeling people in recovery from diet culture, negative body image, and eating disorders.
[…] alone with your child at least once per week. Even if they resist your efforts, keep showing up. Our kids need us more than we (or they!) know, even as they grow up. Don’t let your child’s social schedule get in the way of time for you to connect with […]
[…] don’t assume that’s the way things should be. It may be a sign that they need you to hold them closer. We must always take the high road and stay in the parental role, even when our kids push our […]
This is all very nice, but how should I *insist* on attaching myself to a 17 year-old boy who is hell-bent on being as disrespectful, disobedient, and hurtful as he can possibly be? Please don’t suggest counseling, he’s in counseling–on the few times he bothers to keep the appointment. (I’ve taken to showing up without him and taking his spot if he doesn’t show because I am completely clueless at this point).
Mine is not a case of distracted or lazy parenting, but I do have two other children that I need to raise and I’m afraid they are getting the short end of the stick because their older brother has decided his life goal is to be as hateful as he can be to me.
I recognize that this is a challenging situation, and I”m so sorry that you’re going through this. I wonder if your son has a mental health diagnosis. All of these require specific treatment and would explain (though not make easier) the behavior you’re observing. His “hateful” behavior is likely a signal that he is in extreme emotional distress. While it would be great if our kids could calmly come to us and tell us they are struggling, more often they present hateful and antisocial behaviors instead. Just like when our toddlers tantrum, dealing with these behaviors is not easy, and I’m glad to hear that you’re getting some therapy for yourself.
Of course you are not lazy or distracted. You are doing your absolute best. Parenting teens is hard, and family systems are complicated. I send you so much love as you navigate this challenge in your life.
I agree that no parent is required to be a martyr. But often when teens and young adults lash out they are signaling severe emotional distress. What feels hateful to the parent is actually a symptom of pain and suffering, and possibly a mental health diagnosis, which is serious and requires specific treatment and ongoing management. Our sons are at high risk of having undiagnosed, severe mental health conditions. Many of them lack the tools to manage their anger and frustration. In no way is it easy to help a child who is acting out, and I am not making light of it. But I hope that all options are thoroughly explored before choosing to emancipate a child out of our lives.
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My comment/question is this: What can I do if my husband and I have completely different parenting styles from one another? Our sons are 9 and 11. They both very much have the secure attachment relationship with me but highly disorganized with him. He doesn’t feel his style of parenting is harmful (he’s critical, strict, sarcastic, not empathetic) and I’m nearly polar opposite and have a wonderful and loving, tender relationship with both. He is not open to counseling, nor does he feel his relationship with the kids is is negative…but it is, they talk to me. Obviously our marriage isn’t great but that’s a while ‘nother story. My 11 year old struggles with self confidence (Im positive it comes from their relationship) and now overcompensates and can very unpleasant to be around. Will the positive relationship I maintain with them be enough to keep their heads above water?
This is such a good question! First, please know that you are not alone. Most parents deal with some level of struggle about this. The good news is that your kids’ relationship with you sounds pretty secure, and having secure attachment with just one parent makes a huge impact. However, you are right that parental criticism is deeply damaging. If your husband won’t go to counseling then you may want to go to counseling yourself to get some support as you navigate this difficult parenting situation. And you may want to get your kids into counseling so they have another trusted adult to turn to regarding their feelings. Thank you so much for thinking about this on behalf of your kids! You can have a powerful positive impact on their lives!
Thank you for taking the time to answer my question, it’s very much appreciated (and a huge relief). I have done counseling on my own, but the focus was on my marriage and not so much my kids. Unfortunately the cost of counseling has prevented me from continuing. I do wish mental health counseling was more affordable. Thanks again for your articles, they contain so much information and provide me with great tools!
You’re welcome! Here are some affordable therapy options – just putting these out there for you. Of course, therapy is not the only option! You’re doing a great job with reading and researching 🙂
1. Search https://openpathcollective.org/ – they have sliding scale rates ranging from $30-$60
2. Find a support group or a therapy group (typically $30-$50)
3. Try an app like https://www.betterhelp.com/ or https://lp.talkspace.com/
Sending you so much love as you navigate this situation. Thank you for thinking critically about your kids’ health!
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What exactly do you do to improve the healthy attachment with a teen who repeatedly physically assaults the parent(s)?
Hi Sam, I’m so sorry to hear this. I can imagine that it is terrifying to be physically assaulted. My best advice is to seek professional support with your teen. Physical violence is a behavior that really warrants professional evaluation and support. I wish you all the best!
I understand where you are coming from. And I do appreciate your article.
But the world is messy. Placing all of the responsibility and blame on the parents’ shoulders is hurtful in an imperfect world. Sometimes life happens. Attachment can be damaged and there’s nothing the parent can do no matter how hard they try.
In my case my husband died suddenly when my son was 12. My son is no longer securely attached. He is angry, hurtful and does not trust. And there’s nothing I or therapy have been able to do about it in the 18 months since.
I’m sure there are many cases where the parents have given their all, but it’s not enough and yet we still blame ourselves, the parents, always.
I’m so sorry for the struggle you are facing. It is incredibly difficult to go through the grieving process as both a wife and a mother at the same time. My heart goes out to you. And I sincerely hope that you and your son can reconnect over time as you both heal, but it makes sense if you are struggling now. I completely agree with you that even parents who have given their all and tried so hard can face relationship and attachment difficulties. In no way is this article meant to put the blame on parents. I’m so sorry that it felt that way for you. I send you so much love and healing as you go through this. xoxo Ginny
I agree that when there is attachment and a relationship, teenagers will be easier and better behaved. However that information is not useful to a parent whose teen has pushed their parent away and does not want to have that relationship nor attachment in this stage of his life. Relationships and attachments work both ways, and a parent can try everything to get the attachment back with no reciprocation. You make it sound like it’s a choice. My son and I were like 2 peas in a pod until he turned 16. It’s been 9 months since he has detached himself from the close relationship we had and has no desire to be close again. I’ve tried my hardest to get even a fraction of that back. It’s not so easy.
I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s absolutely not easy to reconnect with a child. I send you so much love during this difficult time and hope things get better.
[…] Do you kind of hate your teenager? […]
Hi. This is the first time i have read any of your work. I find it very insightful. As the mother of two teens, a boy and a girl, with mental health issues as well, I found a lot of the advice on attachment very handy. Thankyou
Thank you so much! I’m really glad it’s helpful!
I’m thankful to have found your post. My son has always kept to himself. Even as a child he’s never been a big talker. I think he has a secure attachment even though he doesn’t seek me out often.
I have been intentional over the years to connect with him through his interests. I’ve read the books he enjoys so we can talk about them. I’ve tried some of his video games, although I don’t have to time to play like he does so I have not really kept up. Lately, when I attempt to do things together or just have a conversation, if I don’t catch him in the right mood he lashes out and we both go away with hurt feelings.
I am not enjoying my son lately- I know it’s not all about me, but moms are supposed to be sad as their senior graduates high school and miss them when they leave for college. I wish I felt that way. I wish I enjoyed my son like I used to.
He’s not a bad kid, he just thinks I’m an idiot and it’s hard to keep pursuing someone that makes you feel bad. I’m trying to keep trying.
I know it’s hard to keep showing up. I hope things feel better for you soon!
I have a child just like yours. She is a trial. My 18 YO is leaving for college and I keep wishing it was the 13 YO. Not a bad kid, just thinks she is smarter, funnier, better Christian, cuter, well, you get the picture. But she’s hateful to everyone in the house. It’s like walking through a minefield. I’m honestly, just sick of her.
That sounds hard, and it sounds as if your family would benefit from deeper attachment and connection. I hope the article is helpful!
We have three children, who up until close to two years ago, seemed very secure and very loving children. (now 18,17 and 16). Their father and I divorced when they were 2, 1, and newborn. Their father was emotionally abusive and had lots of anger. I did not speak bad of their Dad, and always tried to take the higher road for his often absences/he didn’t attend school events, sports, etc. He has always been erratic with involvement. He never spoke kindly of me to the kids, and encourages them to be verbally abusive towards me as their mom. The pandemic hit, and suddenly Dad was more involved. It has been hell on earth. My 17 year old became physically violent with me at 16. Their dad has alienated our two sons, and constantly encourages disrespectful behavior. After my son tried to hit me last time, his Dad picked him up and told him I likely deserved it. My son went to live with his Dad for a good few months. I involved the courts, and begged for therapy. Our judge denied therapy, and then instituted 50/50 custody. (even though their Dad had not been regularly involved prior). Our straight A son is now failing a course at school, punching walls, screaming in my face, and telling me I’m not his mom and that he does not have to listen or respect me. I’m heartbroken. Our children are good kids, have always had a great support system (i tried my best to create that from toddler years, knowing what I faced with their Dad). During the pandemic, they lost a lot of that and their Dad (who I believe is truly narcisstic) was the one they clung to. He has told them so many lies, that they believe.(our oldest, our daughter, does seem to know the truth, and I worry about her all the time too, for different reasons) I simply don’t know how to help my children, each have different issues they are dealing with. My main focus though, is our middle son, because he is so violent and angry…. And so close to being an adult. He could ruin his life quickly with his violence. The drama in our house feels unbearable. I sometimes can’t believe this is our current situation. Any advice on helping older teens, when therapy is not an option? I am at a breaking point.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. The best thing would probably be to get some counseling or therapy for yourself so that you can keep yourself safe and healthy. Sending you much love xoxo
I am going through something so similar with my two boys, is there a way to connect with other parents going through similar issues here?
I’m not aware of any specific communities on this topic, but I’m sure they exist! xoxo
I know I continue to drive away my 14 yr old. Her friends keep getting “worse” and she’s a good kid. I’m at the en did my rope and she never leaves her room. How can I connect w her when I feel these ties are gone? I’m at the end of my rope and cry almost every day about it. I feel like she’s too gone.
I’m so sorry to hear this – I know it’s hard! I recommend getting some help, either with coaching, counseling, or therapy, so you can try some different ways to connect with her. The parent-child relationship almost always has room for growth, and usually we can make a significant impact and feel a lot better if we get support. Sending you much love xoxo
So what do you do to connect when there are drugs involved? It turns out our son has been smoking weed regularly.. sometimes daily, for the past 2 years. He’s now 18. The gradual change in his energy, appetite, apathy and mood swings you can easily associate with being “just a teen” but we look back and know it’s more than likely the addiction. We’ve tried talking to him but he believes he’s doing nothing wrong and can stop whenever but doesn’t want to. He’s only ever nice when he wants something and sadly to our detriment we have probably given him too much in the past. He has told so many lies over the last 2 years and in an effort to keep that connection we’ve trusted him over and over and given him multiple chances.. on reflection we should have had tougher boundaries when it was easier to make consequences.. but he was always “so sorry” Is it too late while he is still at school and under our roof?
I’m sorry you’re facing this problem, but there’s still a lot you can do. I recommend reading the book mentioned in this post “Hold Onto Your Kids,” and seeking both family and individual therapy and/or coaching. I think your instinct to set boundaries is solid, and you would likely benefit from some support in setting them in the most helpful way given what you’re currently experiencing. xoxo