Category: Weight Stigma And Eating Disorders

If your child is considered a “big kid,” they will very likely be subject to harmful weight stigma.

A big kid may spend their life feeling objectified and criticized for merely existing in their body. Your child may be called names like “fat” and told they need to “watch” their weight. This is psychologically painful, but it also has serious physical consequences that have nothing to do with the weight itself, but rather our society’s vast and deeply embedded weight stigma. 

How you parent your big kid can make a huge difference in their lifelong health. All parents should learn about weight stigma, but it is especially important for parents who have kids who are at the higher end of the weight spectrum. 

What is weight stigma?

Put simply, weight stigma is the belief that people in larger bodies are bad, and people in small bodies are good. The most common emotion associated with weight stigma is disgust. The greatest challenge with weight stigma is that it is largely unconscious. This means that many people who would never openly criticize someone for being larger still feel disgust when looking at a larger body.

“People can’t change the color of their skin, but there’s this perception that people can diet their way out of obesity—that if somebody has a larger body, it’s 100% their fault.”

Janet Tomiyama

Like other forms of discrimination, weight stigma is based on false beliefs that are both conscious and unconscious. Despite being incorrect, these beliefs are overtly and subtly perpetuated at every level of our society. Like racism, ableism, and homophobia, weight stigma is wrong on every level. However, it is barely recognized as a form of discrimination and is legal in almost all states.  

• More than 40% of U.S. adults report experiencing weight stigma at some point in their life (International Journal of Obesity; PLOS ONE) 
• Forty-two percent of U.S. adults say they have faced some form of weight stigma, such as being teased about their weight or treated unfairly because of it, with physicians as one of the most common sources (International Journal of Obesity; International Journal of Obesity)
• Among children, weight-based bullying is more common than bullying based on race, sexual orientation, or disability status, and family members and romantic partners are high on the list of perpetrators. (Journal of Adolescence)

Why do parents need to learn about weight stigma?

Weight stigma is woven into the fabric of our culture. Parents, coaches, teachers, and doctors are the most common adults to perpetuate weight stigma with children. And this is deeply problematic because it means that these adults who are meant to be guiding and supporting a child are feeling disgust about the child’s body.

And children are finely attuned to how adults feel about them. Adults can say all the right things and outwardly approve of a child, but if weight stigma is below the surface (and it almost always is), the child will sense how the adult feels about their body. 

Children lack advanced cognitive reasoning skills. So while they can sense the adult’s disgust, they don’t have the cognitive ability to know that it’s wrong. Instead, they internalize the sense that there is something wrong about who they are. They automatically internalize that an adult’s negative feelings about their body means they (as a person) are bad. When adults feel disgust about a child’s body, children internalize low self-worth and shame.

The dangers of weight stigma for heavier kids

Low self-worth and shame are deeply corrosive and impact every aspect of human development. They are associated with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, suicidality, and many other challenging mental disorders. They are also correlated with poor health outcomes, including cardiovascular disease, diabetes, some cancers, and autoimmune diseases. 

“There’s a perception that weight stigma might feel bad but [that] it’s tough love and it’s going to motivate people. But research shows that this isn’t true.”

Sarah Novak

That’s right. Adults worry about fat cells. But the real danger to kids’ lifelong health is weight stigma. And ironically, kids who are exposed to weight stigma are more likely to gain weight than those who are not. That’s right. When adults worry about kids’ weight, they create conditions that make it more likely a child will gain more weight than they would without that worry.

• Weight stigma undermines health behaviors and preventive care, causing disordered eating, decreased physical activity, health care avoidance, and weight gain (Appetite) 
• Children who are victims of weight stigma tend to gain more weight than those who are not (Obesity, JAMA Pediatrics)
• Over the long term, weight stigma increases the risk of mortality (Psychological Science)
• Weight stigma increases a person’s risk for mental health problems such as substance use and suicidality (Obesity; International Journal of Obesity)
• Weight stigma leads to a decrease in health-seeking behaviors and an increase in weight. Regardless of their body mass index (BMI), people who face weight stigma are more likely to engage in disordered eating. They are also more likely to avoid exercising and to report feeling uncomfortable exercising in public (Appetite; Obesity)
• It also increases risk for psychological problems including depression, anxiety, substance use, and suicidality (Obesity Reviews)

What parents can do if they have a larger kid

1. Learn about weight stigma

The first essential step in protecting your child who is a big kid from the dangers of weight stigma is to educate yourself. Remember that the greatest danger of weight stigma is that it is often unconscious and therefore invisible. You must dig deep to uncover your unconscious biases and disgust about fat bodies to raise a healthy child. The basics are: bodies are naturally diverse; fat bodies are not bad; body weight is largely out of an individual’s control; weight stigma is wrong; and intentional weight loss is dangerous.

2. Invest in unlearning weight stigma

Because weight stigma is invisible to most of us, you will need help learning a new way of thinking about bodies. Just like the idea of being “color blind” was an abject failure in the anti-racism movement, mainstream body positivity will be inadequate if you want to protect your child from weight stigma and counteract its harmful effects. Find a coach or therapist who can work with you on your conscious and unconscious beliefs about fat. This is an investment in your child’s lifelong health. Think back on your life: how much have you spent on diet programs, weight loss books, and diet foods? Apply at least that much time, money, and effort to unlearning weight stigma.

3. Discuss weight with your child safely

All parents should talk about weight stigma with their children. But if your child is at or above the 50th percentile on their weight chart, then it is even more important. It’s best to avoid having conversations about your child’s weight until you have invested the time and resources in unlearning weight stigma. Talking about your child’s weight is a delicate, sensitive issue. Not because there is anything wrong with their body (there isn’t!) but because we live in a body-toxic culture that is full of weight stigma. Talking about weight without stigma is an essential skill that parents need to learn.

4. Protect your child from weight stigma

You should be actively watching for weight stigma in your child’s life. Start with your own home. How do people talk about bodies in your home? Make sure that weight stigma isn’t normalized or accepted in your home. That includes when relatives are visiting. Don’t keep diet books in the house, and don’t have magazine covers that glorify thin bodies and vilify fat ones. Watch out for TV shows, social media, movies, and video games that perpetuate weight stigma. Next, keep an eye on your child’s doctors, coaches, and teachers. Intervene in situations in which you believe your child is a victim of weight stigma from these important adults.

5. Teach your child to respond to weight stigma

Once you have done your own work around weight stigma, it’s time to teach your child to respond to weight stigma assertively. Your child should be able to recognize weight stigma when it comes from friends, peers, family members, doctors, coaches, teachers, and other adults. They should have a variety of responses they can use to shut weight stigma down when it happens. No child should be expected to endure weight stigma from anyone. Rejecting weight stigma is an essential health activity!

It’s not uncommon for a tween to say they’re “fat” or otherwise struggle with their body image.

This is an understandable but devastating side effect of living in our culture. One study found that nearly half of girls aged 3-6 years old are afraid of being fat. It only gets worse as they get older unless parents actively intervene.

Our society is deeply fatphobic. Our kids are not immune.

Parents need to help kids, particularly those who are larger, live in their bodies safely and without shame. Here are my eight tips for parents facing tricky body image situations. 

This advice helps when treating eating disorders, preventing eating disorders, and preventing a broad array of mental health issues.

1. Don’t tell them it’s just baby fat/they’re not fat, etc.

When your tween says they’re “fat,” your first response may be to try and convince them they are not. But that’s not the best approach.

Don’t say that they will grow out of it. And don’t insist that they are not fat, they are beautiful.

These statements can make a child feel even more ashamed of their body. And it also opens the door for your child to perpetuate anti-fat bias in the world.

Teach them to be a good friend to themselves and a good citizen at the same time by acknowledging anti-fat bias and teaching them how to talk about bodies with dignity and respect. 

Don’t say anything that suggests that fat is bad and something to get over and/or be ashamed of. 

Instead, talk about what it means to live in a larger body in our society. Help them understand that we are more than bodies. Give them the tools to live in the body they have.

Read more: How to protect your daughter from diet culture and fatphobia

2. Find out the feelings behind the word “fat”

Fat can be a neutral descriptor, but it can also be a way to be cruel to ourselves.

Teach kids that it’s not OK for them to be rude to themselves or use the word “fat” as a stand-in for negative feelings. 

Often when kids call themselves “fat” in a negative way, it means they are struggling with negative feelings. Ask questions.

Find out what “fat” means to them. Help them find the feeling words that fit.

In our society a tween who calls themself “fat” often means they feel sad, lonely, or rejected. 

Seek to understand and validate the feelings without trying to convince your child that they are already thin enough. The more we deny their experience, the deeper it will dig into their psyche. 

Read more: What to do when your tween daughter calls herself fat

3. Teach them about weight stigma and fatphobia

Bodies are a social justice issue. Body politics are filled with racism, sexism, and sizeism. Parents need to recognize that weight discrimination is harmful just like other forms of discrimination. Parents need to become social justice warriors who are willing to fight back against our culture of body hate.

We can build a kinder world for our children (and everyone), but it’s not going to happen without effort. 

Teaching kids about weight stigma and fatphobia is protective and will help you raise a kinder human. Bodies are beautiful, unique, and healthiest when treated with dignity.

We need our kids to recognize that trying to control bodies or judging people for their bodies is harmful and unacceptable.

All bodies deserve dignity. Help your child know this deep in their bones.

Read more: Weight stigma and your child

4. Work on your own food and body issues

Your own body and food issues will trickle down to your child. Our kids are finely attuned to how we feel, so we have to work on ourselves to help them grow up strong and healthy.

I’m not blaming you here. We have all grown up in a toxic culture that treats bodies as objects to be controlled and criticized. But when you have a child, it’s time to dig deeper and uncover your own food and body issues.

If you are dieting or otherwise controlling your weight, it’s time to stop. I know this is revolutionary, but we need to heal ourselves so we can help our kids thrive.

Please get support if you don’t know how to live without your bathroom scale and food plans. A therapist, dietitian, or coach can help you learn to practice Intuitive Eating and find peace with your body.

Read more: Get off the diet cycle and raise healthier kids

5. Teach them to accept their bodies (and never diet)

Trying to change our body size and shape doesn’t work, and dieting increases the risk of an eating disorder by up to 15x. 

To prevent eating disorders and other serious mental health issues, I encourage parents to commit to the goal of helping kids never, ever, diet. 

This means we need to help them accept their weight, whatever it is. This is counter-culture, so we need to constantly remind our kids that body acceptance is the best path to health.

You may feel proud of a child who says they want to “eat healthier,” but this is the modern-day code for dieting. Instead, teach your child to listen to and trust their body instead of following external rules and goals. 

Of course, you can stock and serve fruits, vegetables, grains, and proteins. But serve them alongside carbs, fats, cookies, chips, and other great foods. 

All foods fit in a healthy lifestyle. And the more you support a nuanced, gentle approach to bodies, the healthier your child will be.

Read more: The science to support a non-diet, weight-neutral approach

6. Help them manage peer teasing (and bullying)

It sucks, but kids are cruel to other kids’ bodies. If you have a child who is larger, they will likely experience discrimination and teasing. But even smaller kids may experience cruel body-based taunting and jeers. 

It’s not fair, but don’t make it worse by ignoring it or pretending it doesn’t happen.

Teach your child to be confident and assertive about their body. Give your child some possible responses to fatphobic jokes, and support them in standing up for themselves and others. 

This is not unlike anti-racism work, where it’s very important to prepare kids to not be passive bystanders when they witness body-based teasing and bullying. All kids should be given the tools to be “upstanders” when it comes to body-based teasing and bullying.

Make it easy for your child to report body-based teasing and bullying to you. And be prepared to speak with your school’s administration when it inevitably happens. This is an under-reported aspect of bullying, so don’t hesitate to say something!

Read more: Help your child deal with body shaming

7. Teach them to respond to adults who say “watch your weight” and “eat healthy”

Kids know that “watch your weight” and “eat healthy” is code for “your body and appetite are unacceptable.” Teach them that these comments are common, but they may hurt your child’s feelings, and you understand why.

Empower your child to politely but assertively respond to these adults. A simple “I’m good, thanks,” can work well. They can also say “please don’t talk about my body/weight/food.” 

Some adults may become offended, but that’s just because they haven’t thought about how harmful their comments about weight and food can be. There’s nothing inappropriate about your child setting boundaries about what adults say to them about their body and food.

Read more: Don’t talk about my child’s weight

Read more: Opt-out of school weight programs

8. Work harder to find age-appropriate, comfortable clothing

If you have a child in a larger body, you’ll need to work a little harder to help them have fun with fashion. Larger kids need a little extra effort and attention because the clothing industry does not recognize size diversity. 

Do your research and make sure that stores carry their size before you take them shopping. 

Remind them that the problem is never their body, it’s the sizeist fashion industry. And when things don’t fit, teach them to blame the clothes, not their body. 

Read more: How to shop for clothes when your daughter wears plus size

It’s sadly normal

It’s sadly normal for kids to feel bad about their bodies in our culture. It’s not uncommon for a tween to say they’re “fat” or otherwise struggle with their body image.

The best thing parents can do is be prepared and proactive rather than reactive when it comes to body image issues.

And if your tween does say they’re “fat” or are otherwise distressed about their body, respond with compassion and understanding rather than trying to dismiss their feelings.

Are you wondering what you should say to bigger kids? Are you a parent, teacher, doctor, coach, aunt/uncle, grandparent, or other important adult to a child who has a larger body?

Luckily, I have a lot of answers for you! A recent social media post collected hundreds of answers from adults who were self-identified “fat kids” and reported what they wish caring adults had said to them when they were children.

What not to say to bigger kids

I’m going to just start with what not to say to bigger kids. The fact is that kids in larger bodies are subject to constant scrutiny and discrimination. This is a sad fact of our culture. A lot of well-meaning adults say things to larger kids that they think will be helpful but are in fact incredibly harmful. Here is a quick guide:

Don’t say:

• You’re not fat; you’re beautiful: if a child is fat, they know they’re fat. Don’t deny them the truth of their body. When we jump in with a comment like this, we risk adding shame to the word “fat.”
• You just need to [eat less/move more/eat healthy/]: the implication here is that weight is a choice. Would you tell a child who is short that they just need to stretch their body? No. So don’t tell a child who is larger that they just need to shrink their body.
• You shouldn’t wear that: there are a lot of opinions about what bigger people should and shouldn’t wear. But if you would let a thin child wear something, then restricting a larger child from wearing the same thing is discrimination.
• Don’t eat that: there are a lot of variations and ways that adults try to restrict how much and what larger kids eat. But research shows that bigger kids eat about the same as thin kids. The difference is mostly genetics and environment, not food.
• You’ll grow out of it: this comment can have lifetime effects because many children then begin to worry about how they can make sure they get thinner. They assume that thin is better, and therefore begin the lifelong pain of hating their bodies.

Here’s what we know for sure: when adults tell kids there is a problem with their weight, those children are more likely to grow up to be heavier than kids who were not told their weight was a problem. This research stays steady regardless of genetics and environment. Thus, all those adults who think that kids need to “watch their weight” are in fact setting them up to gain weight.

Why? Most likely because cortisol (stress) is linked to weight. And kids who are raised believing there is a problem with their bodies feel more stress. Also, restriction of any kind leads to compensation. So if you restrict sugar or any food for kids, they are very likely to binge eat those foods when given a chance. This isn’t deviant or “bad,” it’s simple biology.

Here’s a simple guide: if you’re about to say something to a fat kid that you wouldn’t say to a thin kid, don’t do it. And give larger kids extra love and affection to counteract the discrimination they’re facing elsewhere in the world.

The science behind all my statements about weight is available in our Research Library.

What we should say to big kids

Larger kids, like all kids, deserve love, affection, acceptance, and respect. The rules don’t change based on a person’s body size. What we should say to big kids is mostly the same as what we should say to all kids. But parents who have larger kids should probably say these things even more because larger bodies are treated so badly in our culture. You’re going to need to counteract societal messages to keep your kids safe from eating disorders and other serious health concerns caused by weight stigma. The important thing is to honor and respect your child for who they are, regardless of their body size.

Here are the basics:

• You are loved
• I accept you as you are
• You are beautiful
• You are worthy & valuable
• You don’t deserve to be mistreated
• There is nothing wrong with you

If you find it difficult to imagine saying any of these things to a child who is larger, then I want you to think about why. It would be easy to say these things to a smaller child, right? But we should never discriminate against someone for the size of their body. Even though we have been told body weight is within our control, it’s not. So when adults can easily say these things to smaller children but not larger children, stigma and discrimination are at play.

And children in larger bodies need to hear these things even more than children in smaller bodies. This is because our society is cruel to larger people. It’s not right, but it’s true. So your love and acceptance are needed even more in a child who lives in a marginalized body. Remember that the child’s body is not a choice, but it is an integral part of who they are. You should neither ignore their weight nor perceive their weight as a problem.

The answers below were provided in answer to the question “if you were a fat kid, what’s one thing you needed to hear from a trusted and loved adult?” The post was originally created on Instagram by @fatfuturescollective and reposted by @thebodyisnotanapology. I’ve kept the comments anonymous, lightly edited, and categorized them below.

You are loved

This was BY FAR the most common comment. And it’s heartbreaking that so many people felt unloved because of their bodies. How can you make your child feel loved today?

• I love you just as you are.
• I’d have wanted to be told I was loved, I was worthy of love and respect, that I didn’t have to try to make everyone like me.
• You don’t need to shrink yourself to be loved
• You’re actually already just great, so, what feels good and beautiful to YOU? What makes your heart sing? Let’s do more of THAT.
• That I was just fine as I was, lovable and valued at any weight.
• You are so loved!!!
• That I’m perfect and loved just the way I am.
• You’re lovely and loved.
• No one needs to apologize for the space they occupy. We are all worthy, holy, loved beings.
• You are loved, you are good just as you are.
• I love you for who you are.
• You are precious and worthy.
• There is nothing wrong with your shape and size.
• Losing weight could not possibly make me love you more.
• I’m proud of you for who you are.
• You are safe, you are loved, and good enough exactly as you are.
• You are loveable.

I accept you as you are

Accepting a child is so close to loving a child that most people can’t tell the difference. Larger children know they face discrimination in the world. Can you be a person who accepts them exactly as they are?

• Your body belongs here with us and for you, just as it is.
• Your body is amazingly strong and beautiful as it is.
• You are welcome to exist as you are, and you are loved.
• There is nothing wrong with you.
• You don’t need to change and you deserve all the happiness, joy and love you can find in this life.
• You do not need to lose weight to be loved.
• You’re perfect just how you are and you don’t need to change anything about yourself!
• You are not too much and not too little. You are just enough, and worthy of love.
• That I was lovable, beautiful, and acceptable just as I was.
• You are perfect just the way you are! It would have saved me so much turmoil if someone would have just told me that.
• That my weight wasn’t a character flaw, and I wasn’t ‘bad.’
• I wish someone had told me not to be ashamed of myself and to love myself no matter what size I was.

You are beautiful

All children want to feel beautiful in their others’ eyes. And larger children get very little validation that they are beautiful. Examine your own biases and make sure that you’re complimenting bigger kids as often as you are complimenting thinner kids.

• I would have loved to been complimented on my clothes like other girl children.
• I used to really love hearing “your outfit looks great today”. As I got older and gained weight into my teens, I never heard it anymore about anything I did and realized it must be because I was getting fat.
• That I’m beautiful. I wasn’t ever told this. So now I have this weird thing where I know I’m beautiful but am never sure if others see my beauty.
• Your body is perfect just the way it is.
• You are lovely as you are, not “you’d be such much prettier if you lost weight”
• That fat changes nothing. You’re beautiful. You’re cherished.
• You’re beautiful, you have a bright future, you are so talented, you are so loved, etc.
• That outfit looks amazing!
• You don’t need to hide that part of your body.
• You are beautiful and powerful.
• All bodies are beautiful worthy of love and celebration.
• You are beautiful, resilient, empathetic, resourceful, and above all, you are ENOUGH.
• That dress looks beautiful on you.

You are worthy & valuable

Every child deserves to feel worthy and valuable in this world. This is a basic human right. What can you do to make sure the child feels worthy of your affection?

• I would be saving so much money on therapy if they told me my value and worth are not measured by my size!
• Your body is and always will be valid and powerful and uniquely beautifully yours.
• Your value in life isn’t determined by how skinny you are. People obsessing over your body has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.
• You’re enough as you are. Anybody that doubts that or tells you differently is wrong.
• You are incredible, beautiful, and worthy RIGHT NOW.
• That who I am and what I do in life is not defined by my body.
• You are worthy exactly as you are. Your dreams, hopes, desires, and passions are treasures are what I care about, not what your body looks like.
• We are all worthy of joy and love.
• You are not innately bad or wrong for having the body you have; you are enough; you have value; you are brilliant and strong.
• The shape of your body does not change your absolute worthiness of love and care.

You don’t deserve to be mistreated

Many bigger kids are mistreated both at home and outside in the world. It’s important for adults to stand up for children who are being mistreated. Don’t dismiss fat-shaming and teasing as “normal.” It’s simple discrimination, and if you wouldn’t accept it based on race, ability, or gender, then you should not accept it based on weight.

• You don’t owe anyone thinness or good health or beauty, you have the right to be respected however you show up in the world.
• I needed someone to tell me that it wasn’t my fault that no one wanted to be my friend or that I was being bullied and teased.
• What people say about you is a reflection of themselves.
• I needed to hear adults shut down fatphobic comments and jokes as they happened rather than look embarrassed or laughing nervously at them.
• I wish someone would have explained to me that the problem was not me, but the insecurity of my peers. That their cruelty was a reflection of them, not me.
• I will help make school/gym class/dance class a safe place for you and everyone else.
• You’re more than the names they call you. I love you and will take care of you.
• That being fat is absolutely NOT the worst thing you can be. Being narcissistic, selfish, mean, abusive, making other people feel less worthy for ANY reason are all worse than being fat.
• There is nothing wrong with your size – we are all different & there is beauty in all bodies. When bullies make fun of your size, remember that you are okay, you are loved.
• I wish someone had told me that I didn’t deserve to be mistreated and then done something about it.
• If people treat you badly because of your body, that is a real problem and you deserve support but it is not your fault. You and your body deserve respect and kindness inherently.
• “Who are your bullies?” And “Here’s how I can help.”
• Nobody has the right to humiliate you or make fun of you. This is not ok.

There is nothing wrong with you

So many fat kids are told there is something wrong with them. That they are the cause of their body weight. But we know that weight is mostly genetic and environmental. We have almost no control over our weight. Help your child know that their body is good.

• All bodies are good bodies. You’re not lazy. You deserve to eat.
• There is nothing wrong with you and there is everything wrong with diet culture.
• You don’t need to work so hard to change yourself. Just be.
• Let’s buy you clothes that fit you. Let’s not buy clothes for you to shrink into or clothes that tent and hide your whole body.
• It’s OK that your belly sticks out.
• Your body is strong, beautiful, and worthy of all the love. Honor it and it carries you through your joyful life.
• The body you have right now is the right body.
• That my body was a good body no matter how it looks. It keeps me alive
• You have fat on your body, that’s normal, there’s nothing wrong with it and you don’t need to change.
• Your body is perfect and you don’t need to change it.

You don’t need to change yourself

Bigger kids feel as if they need to change themselves in order to be loved. Make sure you counteract this harmful belief.

• You don’t need to change for anyone. Just be you.
• You don’t need to be thin to be happy and healthy.
• Your body doesn’t need to be fixed- there’s nothing wrong with it
• Losing weight will NOT magically change your life and make everything better.
• Move your body because it feels good and you enjoy it. Don’t worry about numbers or loss. Just enjoy the dance.
• That you can be “overweight” and healthy (weight does not mean health or lack thereof). That all bodies are different and all shapes and sizes are beautiful!
• You don’t have to diet to be a good person. Bodies change and weight does not define your worth. You are enough and you always will be enough.
• You don’t need to diet just because someone else thinks you’re fat or because everyone else is doing it.
• Skinny and strong are two different things, and your size isn’t evidence of health.
• I wish my mom had told me that my body didn’t define what I could and couldn’t do.
• Some people are born into smaller bodies. They most likely didn’t do anything differently from you.
• You are not the problem, it is society’s expectations that are the problem. Your body is valuable and good, every day, at every size.
• People and society will make up stories about you because they can only see one aspect of who you are. Resist the temptation to believe them. The richness of your life and your value don’t lie in these stories. Manifest and cultivate your whole self in context – your inner life as well as your wonderful, able, powerful body.
• You don’t have to lose weight to be worthy, and you don’t have to lose weight for people to love you.

Be yourself

Every person should be encouraged to be their authentic self. This includes dressing the way you want to, doing the activities you enjoy, and living your life regardless of body weight.

• You do not need to be a certain size to do all the things!
• Sure, you can wear the cute leotard to gymnastics class. No need to cover up in baggy shorts and a t-shirt.
• You can let your belly relax.
• Wear what makes YOU feel good!
• Your body doesn’t define you.
• It’s okay to take up space with your body.
• Some people are just made to be bigger, bolder, brighter!
• You don’t have to compensate to fit in.
• Don’t let being fat keep you from trying things. Be physical, be in your body, it’s OK.
• You can take up as much space as you want – your thoughts and your heart are valuable and precious; your body doesn’t invalidate those things.
• Bodies are constantly changing. Trust your body and listen to its needs. Everything else will fall in place as it should.
• You don’t have to sit on the sidelines. Let’s go have some fun!
• I needed to be asked “what do YOU want?” instead of having everyone else tell me what they wanted: how my body should look, how I should eat, how to move, and that I should accept all of it. Knowing that I could have questioned all of the shame heaped on me in my youth openly earlier on would have allowed me to share some of that pain rather than bearing it alone.

Listen to your body

Bodies are wise, and they should be in charge of how we feed them. If a body is hungry, it should be fed. So many larger kids are put on diets, and it’s incredibly harmful. Look carefully for subconscious beliefs about how much you think your child should eat, and remember that food is nourishment. It is essential to life. And we know that the No. 1 outcome of food restriction is weight gain.

• You don’t need to diet!!!!! Your body is perfect the way it is and dieting will harm it more than being fat ever will!
• Have seconds if you’re still hungry.
• Eat. I wish I was told it was okay to eat. Instead of receiving dirty looks as I went for more or had dessert.
• Listen to your body. If you’re hungry, eat.
• Don’t skip meals! If you’re hungry, eat.
• You can have as much as you want.
• Often the reason we overeat is that we under-ate earlier or are being restricted.
• It’s okay to enjoy your food!
• I will never put you on a diet or pressure you about your weight or food choices.
• Restrictive dieting is not a righteous way to treat your body as a temple. Neither is punishing exercise. You don’t have to earn food.
• I’m happy to feed you and glad to see you eat.

Fat is fine

Just because our culture pathologizes fat doesn’t mean that being fat is a problem. A body is never a problem unless other people make it so. Normalize fatness, and seek ways to let your child know that there is nothing wrong with their body.

• Your body is magic. You have no idea yet how much it can do and feel and hold. I’m still learning its depths and wonders and the places it holds pain
• It’s okay to be fat. You never have to “grow out of it.”
• There’s nothing wrong with you.
• You have nothing to fix or change when it comes to your body.
• Your body is a miracle, fearfully and wonderfully made, just as it is right now and always.
• You will be loved and it won’t be despite your weight.
• Fat adults are still loved, healthy and happy people
• People are all born differently, some are thin some are fat some are short some are tall, and being fat is nothing to be ashamed of.
• Thinness does not equal happiness. Learning to love your body will be one of the most freeing experiences you will ever accomplish.
• I wish I’d seen the fat adults in my life loving their bodies and modeling that.
• You can be fat and desired, fat and beautiful, fat and strong, fat and healthy. Food is to nourish and sustain you and it’s delicious. Movement is to be enjoyed.
• It would have really helped me to know that fat people find love and intimacy and aren’t automatically social rejects. I was so ashamed because I thought I couldn’t be attractive and therefore couldn’t be loved.

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If you love a larger kid, then please keep this list of what to say nearby. Remember that larger kids are just as worthy of our love and acceptance as thin kids. And they are highly sensitive to weight stigma, which has serious health impacts. A larger child knows when their parents, coaches, teachers, and doctors think they are “too fat.” And it’s devastating. Adults’ perception of fat is far worse for a child than the fat itself. Let’s do better!

Los cuerpos vienen en todas las tallas, y si usted tiene una hija que utiliza tallas grandes, necesita considerar cómo ayudarle a encontrar prendas de ropa que la hagan sentir bien. La ropa en tallas grandes para niñas, y ropa talla grande junior puede ser difícil de encontrar, pero los padres pueden hacer el proceso mucho más fácil al identificar tiendas al por menor que venden tallas grandes, poniéndose además creativos con las compras en línea.

Algunas tiendas en línea que venden “ropa talla grande para niñas” son:

• Land’s End
• JCPenney
• Justice
• H&M
• Old Navy
• The Children’s Place
• Kohl’s
• Gap

Algunas tiendas en línea que venden “ropa talla grande junior” son:

• Kohl’s
• JCPenney
• Macy’s
• Target
• Rue21
• American Eagle
• RoseGal

Cosas en las que pensar al momento de comprar ropa de talla grande para niñas

Vivimos en una sociedad que promueve ideales corporales dañinos. Los cuerpos vienen en una amplia variedad de formas y tallas. Pero la industria de la moda hace ropa para un reducido -literalmente- tipo de cuerpo. La falta de moda en tallas grandes para niñas e infantes es frustrante para los padres.

Los niños que viven en cuerpos más grandes están en riesgo de odiar su propio cuerpo, tener una mala alimentación, y de sufrir desórdenes alimenticios. Esta no es una sorpresa, debido a que es difícil vivir en un cuerpo más grande en nuestra sociedad.

Le recomendamos a los padres que tienen niñas de talla grande, preadolescentes, y adolescentes, aprender sobre Salud en Cada Talla. Este enfoque anima a los padres a aceptar completamente el cuerpo de sus hijas. Pero incluso para los padres más comprensivos será difícil ayudar a sus hijos a sentirse cómodos cuando las tiendas fallan en la labor de vender ropa talla grande para niñas.

Cuando comprar no es divertido porque hay una falta de ropa talla grande para niñas

Ir de compras -un rito de iniciación para todo adolescente- puede ser una situación tensa cuando se está buscando ropa en tallas grandes para niñas. Puede ser que las prendas de ropa no les queden bien, pueden ser un poco ajustadas en ciertas partes, y demasiado holgadas en otras. Aún peor, muchas tiendas de ropa ni siquiera venden ropa talla grande para niñas.

Las crisis de compras son comunes durante este momento delicado en el crecimiento físico y el desarrollo emocional de una niña. Los padres y sus hijas pueden sentirse muy mal consigo mismos porque hay muy pocas opciones disponibles.

De hecho, ir de compras puede ser un desencadenante importante para el comienzo de problemas con el odio corporal y las dietas. Dado que la dieta es un factor de riesgo importante para los trastornos alimentarios, es importante abordar las dificultades que generan las compras.

Por esta razón es una buena idea pensar de manera crítica sobre la ropa antes de ir a comprar con tu hija. La educación puede ayudarle a usted y a ella a entender las opciones y a moverse por los probadores sin ninguna vergüenza.

La mayoría de las prendas están hechas para “tallas únicas”

La gran mayoría de la ropa disponible en las tiendas minoristas es para “tallas únicas”, las cuales van desde la talla 0-12 para adultos. A las personas que viven con cuerpos más grandes les resulta extremadamente difícil encontrar ropa elegante en su talla.

En 2012, se estimó que 67% de las mujeres estadounidenses son de “talla grande” (talla 14 o más) (Bloomberg). Sin embargo, a la ropa de talla grande a menudo se le da una pequeña fracción del espacio en las tiendas departamentales. Lamentablemente, la mayoría de los minoristas masivos no se adaptan a tamaños superiores a 12.

Esto significa que las personas que viven en cuerpos más grandes tienen dificultades para encontrar ropa que satisfaga sus necesidades corporales y estilo personal.

La excusa de los diseñadores de moda es que hacer ropa de talla grande es difícil. Esto seguirá siendo cierto siempre que los consumidores acepten la falta de selección de ropa de talla grande. Necesitamos aumentar la presión sobre los minoristas y los diseñadores de moda para que vistan a nuestras niñas, preadolescentes y adolescentes más grandes.

Tallas de ropa para niñas y niños

La ropa de los niños se basa en la edad. Esto supone una curva de crecimiento recta en la que los niños crecen a un ritmo estándar. Sin embargo, no todos los cuerpos están hechos para ser rectos. Por ejemplo, una niña de 8 años puede necesitar una talla 12 para adaptarse a su cintura, pero una talla 12 es demasiado larga.

El momento más difícil para las niñas de talla grande es cuando se encuentran entre las tallas de ropa infantil y juvenil. Por ejemplo, una niña de 10 años puede necesitar una talla 2 juvenil que se ajuste a su cintura, pero los agujeros del cuello, de los brazos y el largo están mal. Las tallas juveniles pequeñas dan demasiado espacio para el busto, no hay suficiente espacio para la barriga y la longitud es incorrecta para la mayoría de los niños.

Tallas de ropa Junior

Las tallas para niños terminan a los 12 años, momento en el que una niña ingresa al departamento juvenil. Una adolescente de 13 años de talla grande no podrá usar la talla 5 o 7 de junior. Necesita ropa que se ajuste a la forma de su cuerpo. Las tallas únicas asumen que crecemos de acuerdo con los estándares de belleza delgados, sin embargo, la mayoría de nosotros no crecemos así.

Este desajuste ocurre justo cuando las niñas aumentan de peso en la pubertad, y sus formas están en transición. Es como si las tallas junior olvidaran que los cuerpos de las preadolescentes aumentan de peso y crecen de manera impredecible. Las tallas únicas asumen una proporción estándar de pecho, cintura y cadera que no se ajusta a la mayoría de la población.

Tallas de las marcas

Cada marca usa su propia tabla de tallas. Esto significa que la talla de una mujer puede variar hasta en cuatro tamaños según la marca de ropa. Esto agrega un estrés significativo para las personas que viven en cuerpos más grandes, las cuales ya se sienten increíblemente vulnerables en el vestuario y los probadores.

Es posible que una adolescente que tenga más peso en sus muslos no pueda usar ropa de una marca determinada. Una adolescente que lleve el peso en su busto puede encajar perfectamente con esa marca. Esto sucede tanto con las tallas únicas, como con las tallas grandes.

La variación entre marcas puede ser asombrosa e inimaginable. Aquí hay una mujer probándose la misma talla en diferentes marcas:

Cómo comprar en la tienda

Para evitar generar vergüenza corporal y angustia, investigue un poco antes de ir de compras con su hija. Primero, identifique si su hija es de talla única o talla grande.

Si su hija usa una talla única, podrá encontrar ropa para ella en la mayoría de las principales tiendas. Pero las niñas que están en el lado grande de las tallas únicas, o que son de talla grande, pueden vérsela más difícil al momento de elegir. Usted desea minimizar el dolor de no poder usar el tamaño más grande de la tienda. Si su hija es de talla grande, es probable que tenga más dificultades para encontrar opciones en su centro comercial local.

1. Sea un explorador de la moda:

Vale la pena hacer un poco de exploración por adelantado. Averigüe si los minoristas locales venden ropa de talla grande para niñas y talla grande para jóvenes. Es mejor no traer a su hija a sus expediciones de exploración. Puede ser frustrante para ambos ver que no hay tallas grandes. Resguarde a su hija de la evidencia externa de que algo está mal con su cuerpo. Probablemente ya se esté enfrentando a eso todos los días. No podemos proteger a nuestras hijas de los constantes recordatorios de que su cuerpo no se ajusta a nuestro ideal cultural. Pero podemos protegerla de la exposición innecesaria a las tragedias de la moda.

2. Aumenta los tamaños

Al comprar ropa en una tienda minorista, la clave es prepararse con anticipación para “aumentar el tamaño”. Esto es especialmente acertado si su hija ha aumentado de peso recientemente o su cuerpo ha cambiado.

Aumentar los tamaños significa que usted elegirá varios tamaños de la misma prenda, incluido alguno del que tiene la seguridad de que será demasiado grande. Igualmente trate de evitar seleccionar algo que esté bastante seguro de que será muy pequeño. Haga que su hija se pruebe la ropa desde la talla más grande hasta la más pequeña. Evite mirar la etiqueta de tamaño mientras se prueba. Esto la ayudará a disfrutar de cualquier tamaño que realmente le quede, en lugar de empezar con algo pequeño y tratar de forzar su cuerpo a algo incómodo o desesperado por el tamaño de su cuerpo.

Anímela a ignorar la talla de la etiqueta mientras se prueba la ropa, recordándole que cada marca tiene un tamaño diferente y que es importante comprar cosas que le queden bien, independientemente de la talla de la etiqueta. Tenga cuidado al evitar juzgar el proceso de las tallas.

3. No elogie la talla de la ropa

Si le queda un tamaño más pequeño de lo que esperaba, no la elogie por tener un cuerpo más pequeño. Solo reconozca que la prenda le queda bien. Si ella es muy grande para la prenda más grande de un determinado estilo, recuérdele que esa talla es una locura.

Recuerde: si los pantalones no le quedan, es culpa de los pantalones, no de su cuerpo.

Si los pantalones le quedan o no, eso nunca debe significar que usted elogie o desapruebe el cuerpo de su hija. Recuérdele a su hija que el trabajo de la ropa es adaptarse a su cuerpo. No es trabajo de su cuerpo adaptarse a la ropa.

Cómo hacer que las compras en línea funcionen

Desafortunadamente, la mayoría de las principales tiendas de ropa no ofrecen ropa de talla grande y, si lo hacen, puede ser muy limitada. Una excepción para los Juniors es Forever 21 y H&M, las cuales hacen un trabajo decente al incluir tallas grandes junior directamente en las tiendas.

Muchos minoristas ofrecen tallas grandes en línea. Las compras en línea no son lo mismo que un viaje de compras tradicional, pero es posible que su hija lo prefiera así.

1. Ordene más

Juntas pueden buscar minoristas en línea, llenar carritos de compras y realizar pedidos. Si puede, haga un pedido excesivo de la ropa asumiendo que probablemente devolverá entre 30% y 70% de toda la ropa comprada en línea. Si su presupuesto lo permite, pida al menos dos tamaños de cada artículo para que haya más opciones.

2. Tome medidas

¡Hacer pedidos en exceso no siempre es posible! La alternativa es tomar medidas corporales cuidadosas y consultar las tablas de tallas de cada tienda.

3. Llene el carrito

Considere que su hija haga la parte “divertida” de agregar las cosas que le gustan al carrito. Considere usted asumir la parte difícil/frustrante de decidir qué tamaño pedir.

4. Planifique un día de prueba

Espere hasta que lleguen todos los paquetes y tenga un día de prueba. Esta puede ser una divertida réplica de la experiencia en los vestuarios. Arregle toda la ropa en varios tamaños. Diseñe diferentes atuendos y combinaciones. Ayude a su hija a evaluar qué tan bien le queda la ropa y haga que se siente, se pare y corra con ella. Hagan una pila con lo que finalmente comprarán, lo que quizás elijan, y lo que definitivamente devolverán. Esto optimizará la experiencia de su hija y minimizará la vergüenza por las tallas.

Esto es muy parecido al viaje de compras tradicional, pero en la comodidad del hogar. Una vez que tenga las pilas ordenadas según lo bien que le quede la ropa, puede evaluar su presupuesto y devolver lo que no le queda.

Lots of parents have heard of weight loss incentives for kids and wonder whether it’s a good idea. We live in a culture that tells parents that they should avoid weight gain in their kids. And parents are told they need to “watch” their kids’ weight. But since weight loss is hard, parents figure they can sweeten the deal with incentives for their kids. So is this a good idea? Do the benefits outweigh the costs?

The short answer is no.

Weight loss incentives for kids are undeniably harmful. Any possible benefits are fleeting at best and the costs can be far-reaching. Kids whose parents gave them weight loss incentives report a broad variety of negative results.

What are the most common outcomes of weight loss incentives for kids?

Weight loss may seem like a good idea. But 95% of people who intentionally lose weight gain it back, and 65% of people who lose weight gain back more. That’s regardless of the method of weight loss. Yes, it includes “moderation” and “clean eating” diets. However it’s accomplished, intentional weight loss has undeniably awful results for a supposed health recommendation.

But aside from the fact that diets fail, there are other important side effects of asking kids to lose weight, including:

• Eating disorders
• Body shame and insecurity
• A lifetime of weight cycling, which damages health
• Negative relationship with food
• Feeling “less than” and ashamed of themselves
• Disliking the parents/blaming the parent for body image issues

You may think that these impacts pale in comparison to the health implications of living in a larger body, but they do not. In fact we have been fed numerous lies about body fat and health. The bottom line is that health is not based on weight. There are many things parents can do to pursue health without ever using a scale, food restriction, or body shame.

💥 And we should mention another outcome of intentional weight loss (AKA dieting) in childhood: higher adult body weight. That’s right. Children who diet have higher body weights compared to children who do not diet. This effect is likely based on a combination of the complex biological and psychological factors that establish body weight. If your goal is to raise a child who has low weight, then incentivizing your child to intentionally lose weight is one of the worst things you can do.

Weight loss incentives that damaged kids for life

💥 ATTENTION: Under no circumstances should you think that this list has good ideas that you should follow in your own parenting. This is a list compiled from adults who have struggled with eating disorders and body image issues. And they attribute these health-damaging and life-threatening conditions in part to their parents’ misguided attempts to manage their weight.

• My parents offered me $10 for every pound I lost. I was 10 years old.
• I was told that I would get all new clothes if I lost weight.
• We had a family weight chart and had weekly weigh-ins. The winner each week got to pick the movie for family movie night.
• Mom took me shopping and let me pick out my favorite outfit. Then she bought it for me – in a smaller size – as incentive to lose weight.
• My busy mom promised to spend time with me if we went to Weight Watchers meetings together.
• Dad said that whichever of my siblings and I lost the most weight in 45 days would win $100.
• I got a scale for my birthday one year, and was promised my “real” gift if I lost weight.

If there is any part of you that thinks the incentives above are healthy, you are mistaken. Putting kids on diets and incentivizing weight loss has far-reaching negative impacts on their health for life.

💥 Kids who diet are 5-18x more likely to develop an eating disorder, the deadliest mental health condition.

💥 And you may be surprised to know that kids who diet also have higher adult weights than those who don’t. That’s right. Putting your child on a diet today increases their weight as an adult.

The myth that weight equals health

It’s true that we live in a culture that says body weight is the key to health. But that’s incorrect. It’s been built on the false premise of the BMI, which has been thoroughly discredited yet is still used as a tool to assess health.

Why? It’s complicated. Weight stigma has a long history in our culture, and it has racist, classist, and sexist roots.

Lower weight has been an indication of purity, intelligence, and self-control for over a century. We equate weight with health, but what we are really doing is equating weight with class. A quick look at body weight statistics will show you that you are statistically more likely to be at a lower weight the more socially privileged you are. In our society, that means being white and wealthy.

And of course we can’t ignore the fact that weight loss is big business. The weight loss industry is currently $72B (2019), and it has been growing steadily at a fast pace for the past 50 years.

Parents understandably believe our societal bias, supported by massive marketing campaigns, that weight equals health. But they are mistaken. Strong relationships with our family and body respect are actually where we can make an impact on our kids’ lifetime health.

How parents damage food & body relationships

Kids look to their parents for validation and security. All children seek approval from their parents and long to be “good enough” for their parents’ love. This heartbreaking fact is why weight loss incentives for kids are so damaging and painful.

A child’s body is the child themself. They cannot separate their body from who they are. Thus, telling a child they need to change their body is the same as telling them they need to change who they are as a person to obtain love, affection, and respect.

Here’s what adults told us about what they learned when their parents incentivized weight loss: When my parents incentivized me to lose weight, I learned …

• that something was wrong with me. I was imperfect. Disgusting
• to associate being hungry with being loved
• I wasn’t good enough. I was repulsive and embarrassing to them
• acceptance was conditional, and that my parents would love me more if I was thin
• that I was different, less “good” than kids who were thin

We heard from so many adults who wish their parents hadn’t put them on a diet or incentivized them to lose weight. Here are some especially poignant comments:

• Today it’s hard to enjoy food without a guilty conscience.
• I am in eating disorder recovery, and I can’t even talk to my parents right now.
• My life revolves around my weight, and I live in constant fear that if I gain weight I will be worthless and alone forever.

What parents should actually do to improve kids’ health

Parents often think that raising healthy kids means raising thin kids. But health is far more complex and multi-faceted than a number on a scale. When parents focus on the scale, they often fail to nurture their kids in the critical health behaviors that positively improve health.

Here’s what parents can do to raise healthy kids:

• Connect with each child emotionally, and maintain that connection no matter what. Building emotional safety in the parent-child relationship is possibly the single most important modifiable health behavior.
• Ensure kids get plenty of rest and enough sleep every night. Lack of sleep is more directly associated with the health risks commonly ascribed to weight.
• Do physical activities as a family and individually with each child in a way that is fun and fulfilling. Play together and hike together. Get outside together or do some stretching in the living room floor. Don’t base movement on outdated and harmful messages of pain and weight loss.
• Eat together as often as possible, providing a broad range of food choices but never forcing foods or labeling foods as “good” or “bad.” Don’t restrict your own food in an effort to lose or control your weight.

You can also model healthy behaviors like:

• Meaningful connections with friends and family
• Taking care of your emotional needs
• Not smoking, drinking, or otherwise depending on addictive substances
• Moving your body in ways that feel good to you
• Eating a diet filled with all food groups and foods that you enjoy and make you feel good

We have been told that weight determines health, but in fact it is the behaviors above, not a number on the scale, that determines our health. If we want to raise healthy kids, this is our roadmap. Weight’s got nothing to do with it.

This is a guest post written by Julia Cassidy, MS, RDN, CEDRDS about how we can make every school free of weight bias

Diet talk is so engrained into our culture, which makes sense as to why it is a part of our schools and the school activities. Weight bias at school jeopardizes kids’ emotional and physical health.

To help create a safe, weight-neutral environment for our kids, administrators and teachers can change this culture and protect our kids by focusing on making school activities free of diet talk free and body-positive. 

Where do we start?

• Be alert to incidences of weight bias, understand your own attitudes, and those of your students.
• Be aware of the language that you use about weight, and avoid labeling people as “fat” or food as “bad.”
• Don’t make negative assumptions about people who are at higher weights.
• Avoid “Fat-Talk.” Be careful of how you discuss weight in the presence of children. Use sensitive and appropriate language.
• Avoid “should” statements related to weight and food with your students. For example, avoid making comments like “You shouldn’t be eating that” or “You should eat something healthier.” 
• Talk positively about your own body in front of the students – or at least don’t make negative comments about your body. 
• Refrain from labeling foods as “junk, bad or unhealthy” on the school campus. 
• Allow kids to regulate their eating by allowing them to decide how they eat and how much they eat. 
• Encourage self-esteem in your students. It is important for kids to recognize that self-esteem comes from many sources, not appearance. Celebrate their successes and behaviors that have nothing to do with their body and be sure to compliment them on these qualities. (e.g., qualities like kindness, being a good friend, doing well on a school assignment, working hard to achieve a goal, taking good care of a pet, etc).

Weight bias at school

Teachers, remind kids and adolescents that they are still growing and that they need to eat enough to support their activity and growth. Talk about what bodies do, rather than what they look like.

Talk about foods in a neutral way, rather than talking about foods being “good” or “bad.” Focus on where food comes from and offer fun food exposure experiences in the classroom. Remember it is the job of the parents to decide what the kids bring to school, and it is the job of the kids to determine how much they eat and what they are going to eat. 

Weight bias examples

When kids are teasing or bullying others because of their weight, they may not realize how harmful their behavior is. Weight bias has become so ingrained in our society that kids sometimes reflect what they have witnessed elsewhere.

Let students know that weight-shaming behavior is inappropriate without making them feel embarrassed. Weight bias can be expressed in both direct and indirect ways. Be aware of these behaviors among your students:

• Verbal comments such as name-calling, derogatory remarks, teasing, or joking directed at higher-weight students 
• Social exclusion such as ignoring or not including higher-weight students in activities 
• Physical aggression such as shoving or physically intimidating a higher-weight student 
• Humiliation of a higher-weight student through spreading rumors or cyber-bullying

Tips for reducing weight bias at school

• Celebrate all bodies! No matter what size they are. 
• Establish a zero-tolerance policy for weight-based bullying.
• Educate Yourself. Understand the multiple complex causes of weight so you don’t make false assumptions about people who are in a larger body. Remember that genetic, biological, environmental & social factors all contribute to body size.
• Treat the importance of weight tolerance as you would racial or religious tolerance.
• Health-improving behaviors such as exercise, nutrition, sleep hygiene, etc. should be equally applied regardless of weight status.
• Encourage students of all weights to participate in sports teams, student council, talent shows and all extracurricular activities.
• Challenge negative stereotypes that place blame and stigma on larger-bodied individuals.
• Increase awareness of how the media perpetuates weight bias. The media stereotypes higher weight individuals and sets unrealistic ideals of thinness.
• Discuss examples of weight bias among youth and encourage students to intervene and stand up for their peers.
• Are the desks or chairs in your classroom large enough to accommodate your larger-bodied students?
• Challenge your own assumptions about body weight.

Weight bias research facts:

Sadly, we forget that kids are supposed to gain weight during their elementary and adolescent years. Kids can’t change the genes that will determine how tall they will be or when puberty starts. They are born with the ability to intuitively regulate their intake by determining when they are feeling hungry and full. 

• Kids, on average, gain 40 pounds in the 4 years around puberty.
• Girls’ body fat percentage increases by 120% during puberty.
• 2 out of 3 13-year-old girls are fearful of gaining weight.
• Kids are fearful of gaining weight when they need to be gaining weight and become aware of their bodies/weight as young as 5 years old. 

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About Julia Cassidy, MS, RDN, CEDRDS

Julia Cassidy is a Certified Eating Disorder Specialist Supervisor, a Licensed Body Positive Facilitator, and a Certified Intuitive Eating Coach. She is passionate about helping individuals heal their relationship with food and their bodies. Julia is is the Director of Dietary for Center for Discovery where she has worked for over 15 years. Julia oversees 20 Dietitians nationwide and has developed and updated the nutrition program used with all clients in the adolescent residential programs at Center for Discovery.

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References/Resources:

1. Hunger JM, Tomiyama AJ. Weight labeling and disordered eating among adolescent females: Longitudinal evidence from the NHLBI Growth and Health Study. J Adolesc Health 2018;63:360–2
2. Adapted from: Sunny Side Up Nutrition
3. Sobczak, Connie. Embody: Learning to Love Your Unique Body (and Quiet That Critical Voice!). Gürze Books, 2014.
4. The Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity. http://www.UConnRuddCenter.org
5. Neumark-Sztainer D, Wall M, Eisenberg ME, Story M, Hannan PJ. Overweight status and weight control behaviors in adolescents: longitudinal and secular trends from 1999 to 2004. Prev Med. 2006 Jul;43(1):52-9. Epub 2006 May 112
6. KK, Birch LL. Weight status, parent reaction, and self-concept in five-year-old girls. Pediatrics. 2001;107:46–53.
7. Nadia Micali, George Ploubidis, Bianca De Stavola, Emily Simonoff, Janet Treasure. Frequency and Patterns of Eating Disorder Symptoms in Early Adolescence. Journal of Adolescent Health, 2013

It’s rare to encounter entertainment in our society that doesn’t include weight stigma. Most books, blogs, articles, social media, TV shows, and movies are filled with weight stigma.

Weight stigma: bias or discriminatory behaviors targeted at individuals because of their weight.

Weight stigma is weaponized in the media through language and images. Firstly, weight stigma assumes that fat is deadly and a drain on society. It promotes weight loss at any cost, including negative physical and mental health outcomes. Moreover, weight stigma suggests that low weight is possible for every body. The result is public fatphobia and weight shaming.

Weight stigma is discriminatory and unjust. There are many reasons some people weigh more than others. And intentional weight loss has negative health outcomes most of the time. It is misguided and ignorant to use shame in an attempt to improve health.

And weight stigma is a cultural phenomenon perpetuated everywhere in the media and society. Weight stigma in entertainment hurts everyone.

Weight stigma in entertainment

These are some really obvious examples of weight stigma in entertainment. But they are so ubiquitous that we often don’t even notice. For example:

Novels

Most protagonists are either already thin or pursue the thin ideal. Characters make passive-aggressive comments about fat people, bemoan being fat, and strive for weight loss.

Memoirs

These often center “weight loss journeys” that glorify restrictive, disordered eating and over-exercise. The author begins with the premise that their weight is in their control. They are usually ashamed that it has gotten so high. The memoir may say that the message is one of self-love. But the true message is that weight loss is necessary, possible, and beneficial.

Self-help

This category includes weight-loss books, which are obvious perpetrators of weight stigma. But recipe, wellness, mindfulness, and all sorts of other books feature weight stigmatizing examples and stories. Most wellness books repeatedly use high weight as a symptom of poor self-love or low self-control. The concept is that if you improve your self-love and self-control, you will lose weight. This is rarely true.

Articles

Magazines, blogs, and news publications mostly use images of thin people to promote health and happiness. They run stories about weight loss and the dangers of fat, perpetuating dangerous myths. These publications also glorify restrictive eating patterns and promote alarming diet trends.

Social Media

It’s impossible to guess how many millions of “before and after” posts have been “liked” on social media. Before and after photos are inherently weight stigmatizing. This is true even when the stated goal is emotional and physical health. Social media is also a major promoter of disordered diet trends and unproven “health hacks.”

Television & Movies

Thin people are positioned as healthier, more successful, more likable, and more likely to find love. Fat people rarely appear, and when they do it is often for comic relief or as a cautionary tale. Or fat people are used for motivation – as in the movie Brittany Runs a Marathon. In these examples, a fat person loses weight and become a thin, successful, happier person.

Here are two examples of entertainment brands perpetuating weight stigma.

How I Met Your Mother (TV show)

This sitcom ran from 2005-2014 and is still going strong on streaming services. It features weight stigmatizing comments at least once per episode, and there are 208 episodes altogether. Therefore, it is a clear example of weight stigma in entertainment.

I enjoy this show. But I insist upon calling out weight stigma whenever I see it, and this show is particularly bad. My daughter holds the remote when we watch this show. She automatically pauses it in troublesome spots so we can discuss weight stigma when it (frequently) comes up.

Example 1:

Marshall: He’s rich? Please tell me he wrote you a big, fat check. A check so fat, it doesn’t take its shirt off when it goes swimming.

Barney: That is a big, fat check. A check so fat, after you have sex with it, you don’t tell your buddies about it.

Robin: A check so fat, when it sits next to you on an airplane, you ask yourself if it should have bought two seats.

Example 2:

Barney: […] why can’t there be a day for those who are single and like it that way?

Marshall: Now you just sound like a fat girl at Valentine’s Day.

Example 3:

Barney: Let’s say the young lady you’re bringing home is dressed for winter. Under those layers, an unwelcome surprise could await you. The scale with body fat calculator I’ve hidden under the welcome mat makes sure you never have banger’s remorse.

Jillian Michaels (celebrity)

Michaels was a trainer on the competition reality TV show The Biggest Loser. The show is one of the biggest perpetrators of weight stigma. Known for her brutal “tough love” training methods, she often brought people to tears with her abuse. She directed her verbal abuse at their bodies, their values, and their characters. It was unacceptable. Former contestants have reported that they experienced physical and emotional trauma during the show.

The National Institutes of Health found that all but one of 14 contestants had regained most of the weight they lost. But worse, their metabolic rates had slowed drastically, possibly for life. Health improvement is the main justification for weight loss. But a slower metabolism is not a health improvement by any measure. This study is a cornerstone in the research showing that intentional weight loss is worse for health than weight itself.

Michaels launched a business empire based on her dubious reputation on The Biggest Loser. She is the definition of weight stigma being used for entertainment and profit. Her products include a fitness app, 20 DVDs, nine books, and a podcast. She has countless opportunities to spread her message of body hatred. Recently she has been criticized for blatant weight stigmatizing comments, including:

Example 1:

“Why are we celebrating her (Lizzo’s) body? Why does it matter? Why aren’t we celebrating her music? Cause it isn’t going to be awesome if she gets diabetes.” – Jillian Michaels on BuzzFeed News

Example 2:

“I think we’re politically correct to the point of endangering people … But obesity in itself is not something that should be glamourized. But we’ve become so politically correct that no one wants to say it.” – Jillian Michaels in Women’s Health U.K. 

Example 3:

“There was so much fat-shaming for such a long time that now the pendulum has swung to a place where it’s like, ‘You are 250 pounds and you’re owning it! Go!’ And I’m like, wait wait wait, no no no… When you start to celebrate that… it’s not about shaming, it’s not about excluding anyone, but we also don’t want to co-sign cancer, heart disease, diabetes.” – Jillian Michaels on The Wendy Williams Show

The facts of weight & weight loss

It’s possible that you read Jillian Michaels’ comments and agree with her … at least a little bit. But that’s a symptom of living in our society. Those beliefs are not based on scientific facts. Here are the facts about weight and weight loss:

1. Weight is mostly genetic and environmental. In fact, very little of our weight is under our individual control.

2. Intentional weight loss efforts result in weight loss just 5% of the time. And 65% of the time intentional weight loss increases body weight. Imagine any other medical intervention with those stats!

3. Intentional weight loss damages physical and mental health. It reduces metabolism, increases cortisol, causes weight gain, and more. Additionally, it leads to increased anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and more.

4. Weight stigma and intentional weight loss are the real health problems. They foster eating disorders and create most of the health conditions associated with higher weights. Medical professionals have high rates of weight stigma. This increases the likelihood that people in larger bodies will receive suboptimal care.

Body weight is not as simple as how much people eat and exercise. It’s a complex combination of genetics and environment. Furthermore, it’s virtually impossible to reduce body weight. Intentional weight loss fails 95% of the time and results in weight gain 65% of the time. Therefore, the premises underlying weight stigma are false.

The scientific truth about body weight

These facts go against everything we think we know about food and weight. And yet they are scientifically true. Our scientific library contains the data behind these facts. You can also read about them in these excellent pro-health, anti-diet books:

• Body Respect: What Conventional Health Books Get Wrong, Leave Out, and Just Plain Fail to Understand about Weight. By Linda Bacon & Lucy Aphramor
• Intuitive Eating, A Revolutionary Anti-Diet Approach. By Evelyn Tribole & Elyse Resch
• Anti-Diet: Reclaim Your Time, Money, Well-Being, and Happiness Through Intuitive Eating. By Christy Harrison

Concern trolling

Jillian Michaels is correct that it’s no longer socially acceptable to openly deride or criticize people for their weight. Instead, people engage in “concern trolling.”

People think they can conceal hatred, disgust, anger, and shame by focusing on “health.” For example:

• But I’m worried about your health
• You’ll die if you don’t lose weight
• I’m just interested in saving your life

These statements are just a politically correct way to say that being fat is unacceptable. The implication is that the person chooses to be fat and can prevent being fat. And, of course, these statements are based on the false assumption that fat is deadly. It’s not. In fact, there is evidence that people who weigh more are actually healthier.

Some people ardently believe that it’s fine to accept your body … unless it’s fat. They say that in those cases, people should lose weight. This is scientifically ignorant and cruel. As a result, any “concern” they share is just shame. They wrap shame up in a package that doesn’t make them feel like total jerks. But they are, in fact, jerks.

The shame of weight stigma

Some people have lost weight in the short term and want to tell anyone who will listen how they did it. One of their strategies for maintaining their weight loss is believing that weight is within their power. But only 5% of people maintain intentional weight loss. And 65% end up weighing more.

Weight stigma’s main tool is shame. And shame is cruel, discriminatory, and unacceptable. There is no time in which shame is an effective path to health. Shame is absolutely and unequivocally anti-health.

Weight stigma uses shame in an attempt to control individual’s bodies. Our society weaves weight stigma into entertainment. It’s so common that we often don’t recognize weight stigma for what it is. It takes time, education, and practice to overcome weight stigma. But it is possible.

There is significant weight and racial bias in science. This bias means that parents need to be careful consumers of scientific media and health recommendations. Otherwise, we perpetuate weight and racial biases in our homes and pass them along to our children.

Most scientists are not intentionally fatphobic or racist. But science is dominated by white people. Only 13% of scientists are neither white or Asian. Most scientists make the assumption that weight is a causative factor in disease, despite the fact that there is no causal evidence. In fact, high body mass is a very weak predictor of mortality and may even be protective in some cases.

Science cannot show a causal link between weight and disease. And they continuously recommend weight loss. But the only proven outcome of intentional weight loss is weight regain. The scientific and medical communities have deeply rooted weight bias. And the bias remains largely unseen and unexamined.

When consuming science media that links weight to health, we need to consider the following facts: 

• We live in a heavily biased society
• Our society favors thin, wealthy, white people
• Scientists are people first (i.e. not immune to societal forces)
• We must assume that most science has weight and racial bias

It’s up to us to teach our kids to be critical consumers of all media, including scientific papers. Nobody will expose weight and racial bias in science for us. Here is a demonstration of how we can take a critical lens to scientific health recommendations. 

A parents’ guide to analyzing science-backed health recommendations

Let’s look at the American Cancer Society Guideline for Diet and Physical Activity for Cancer Prevention, published by the American Cancer Society Journals, June 9, 2020.

Recommendations for individuals:

• Achieve and maintain a healthy body weight throughout life.
• Be physically active.
• Follow a healthy eating pattern at all ages.
• It is best not to drink alcohol.

We will take a deeper dive into the weight bias, racial bias, and corporate influence contained in these recommendations. Our premise is that this paper demonstrates weight and racial bias in science.

Recommendation 1: Achieve and maintain a healthy body weight throughout life

Keep body weight within the healthy range, and avoid weight gain in adult life.

Problem 1: Unclear causative link between weight and cancer

Nearly 40% of American adults are considered obese* but not all of those people get cancer. And cancer does not only affect people who are overweight and obese. Approximately 38.4% of men and women will be diagnosed with cancer at some point during their lifetimes. It may be true that slightly more than 40% of people who get cancer are obese. But that does not mean that being obese causes cancer.

Weight is largely a result of genetics and environment. And we know that genetics and environment are also risk factors in cancer development. Therefore, scientists cannot say that obesity causes cancer. All they can say is that it’s possible that the same conditions that cause cancer also cause obesity. In fact, the authors acknowledge that the 2016 IARC expert working group found that the evidence on weight loss and cancer risk was insufficient to evaluate.

*The terms “obese” and “obesity” are objectionable. They they are medicalized terms intended to pathologize a human body doing what it was naturally designed to do in response to genetic and environmental conditions. We use the term here with extreme caution.

Problem 2: what is “healthy body weight?”

The authors define weight based on BMI (body mass index), which is based on the height and weight of a person. Researchers from the Perelman School of Medicine stated that BMI is an inaccurate measure. Because it does not take into account muscle mass, bone density, overall body composition, and racial and sex differences.

Furthermore, the BMI categories for “healthy” changed in the 1990s. The World Health Organization (WHO) significantly adjusted the categories of “overweight” and “obese.” This means that millions people went to bed one night in the “healthy” range and woke up “overweight.” This arbitrary change in BMI standards accounts for many of the alarmist headlines regarding the “obesity epidemic” that have proliferated in the past 30 years. 

Additionally, weight is a racial issue. The prevalence of obesity varies considerably among racial/ethnic groups:

• Asian: 12.7%
• White: 37.9%
• Hispanic: 46.8%
• Black: 47.0%

A Black person is 10% more likely to be obese compared to a white person. This shows how both weight and racial bias can creep into science. In fact, Sabrina Strings and others say that weight bias is rooted in racism.

Problem 3: How can people “achieve and maintain” a certain weight?

The authors do not spell out how exactly a person is supposed to “achieve and maintain” a “healthy weight.” Nor do they define exactly what “healthy” weight is (other than to refer to BMI). But anyone who is alive today knows that to “achieve” a “healthy weight,” we need to engage in intentional weight loss. It’s the same if we want to “maintain” a “healthy” weight. Maintenance requires vigilant weight oversight and intentional weight loss when weight inevitably creeps up.

There is no proven, effective, and safe method to intentionally lose weight. In fact, weight loss efforts come with significant side effects, including increased levels of cortisol. This is of special note since cortisol is linked to cancer risk. So recommending that people “achieve” a certain weight, which is presumably through weight loss efforts, actually increases cancer risk. 

A second known side effect of intentional weight loss is weight cycling. In fact, about 95% of people who intentionally lose weight will regain the weight they lost. And more than half will gain more. This creates a cycle of weight gain and weight loss. Weight cycling results in higher lifetime weight and increases mortality. Thus anyone who has ever sought to “achieve” a lower weight is likely to weigh more and be sicker than if they had not done so. 

It is notable that the authors specifically recommend specific behavioral changes for the other recommendations. But they offer none for this first (presumably most important) recommendation.

Problem 4: Weight is not a modifiable behavior

This paper aims to provide behavioral recommendations for individuals who wish to prevent cancer. However, this first guideline assumes that weight is a modifiable behavior. Weight is not a behavior, it is a physical fact.  

In fact, body weight is largely genetic and environmental. It is 70%-80% heritable, which is as closely related to genetics as our height. (And nobody is asking us to achieve a “healthy height” – that would be bizarre.) The next greatest impact on our weight is our environment. Everything from our neighborhood to our society and food sources influence our weight more than our individual makeup. 

We cannot actually control our weight without significant health side effects. But we believe we can because of the $72 billion weight loss industry. Their marketing strategy is simple. They shame us for gaining weight, then are part of the reason we gain weight again. They are always there to take our money when we inevitably regain weight. Then the cycle begins again.

And it is undeniable that the weight loss industry has directly funded obesity and weight research, making it deeply questionable. This is like the tobacco industry funding lung cancer research.

Most people cannot control their weight. And those who attempt to do so either drive their lifetime weight higher or develop an eating disorder. 

Recommendation 2: Be physically active

Adults should engage in 150 to 300 minutes of moderate‐intensity physical activity per week, or 75 to 150 minutes of vigorous‐intensity physical activity, or an equivalent combination; achieving or exceeding the upper limit of 300 minutes is optimal.

Problem 1: Unclear link to cancer prevention and dose recommendation

The authors state that 1.5% of all cancers diagnosed in the United States are attributable to physical inactivity. However, they later state that beyond colon cancer, the strength of the evidence is inconsistent. Finally, they state that drawing clear recommendations for activity dose and intensity for cancer risk reduction is “challenging.”

What this says is that while these scientists assume that physical activity will prevent cancer, they cannot prove it. Furthermore, they cannot actually back up their recommendations based on scientific study. In other words, this is a recommendation based on assumptions, not science.

Problem 2: Racist recommendation

The authors recognize that these recommendations are difficult for less privileged racial minorities. They acknowledge that there are significant social, environmental, and economic barriers to exercise. For example, limited access to safe outdoor areas, the economic ability to invest in fitness, and a white-oriented fitness industry all make this recommendation out of reach for many Black people.

According to the 2018 Sports & Fitness Industry Association Topline Participation Report, rates of inactivity among the poorest households has increased. Meanwhile, activity levels have increased for more affluent households. As the SFIA puts it: “The affluent are getting more active while the less affluent are becoming more inactive.”

Poverty is broken down along racial lines (2018 US Census):

• Native American: 25.4%
• Black: 20.8%
• Hispanic: 17.6%
• White: 10.1%
• Asian: 10.1%

This paper makes a health recommendation that is racially skewed and unattainable for our most vulnerable populations.

Recommendation 3: Follow a healthy eating pattern at all ages.

A healthy eating pattern includes: Foods that are high in nutrients in amounts that help achieve and maintain a healthy body weight; A variety of vegetables—dark green, red and orange, fiber‐rich legumes (beans and peas), and others; Fruits, especially whole fruits with a variety of colors; and Whole grains.

Problem 1: Unclear link to cancer prevention

As with weight and exercise, there is an unclear link between food and cancer. The authors estimate that 4.2%‐5.2% of cancer cases are linked to to poor diet. But they admit this is a problematic concept to investigate. They say: “Determining the role of diet in cancer prevention is challenging, because consumption patterns of humans are highly complex, the food supply is constantly changing, and relevant exposure periods are not always known.” Additionally, “most current evidence concerning diet and cancer prevention is derived from observational epidemiologic studies.”

In other words, this is not objective scientific study. It is observational research, which is inevitably impacted by human bias. We have been told for decades that “healthy” food impacts cancer risk. Therefore it is impossible that researchers do not bring this powerful bias to their observational studies. 

Problem 2: Racist recommendation

The authors make these recommendations despite the fact that they also see how difficult it will be for racial minorities to meet them. In fact, they acknowledge that: 

“Communities with a greater proportion of ethnic minorities and residents with low socioeconomic status are often characterized by fewer supermarkets with healthy, affordable, high‐quality foods. In these areas, residents may not have the economic resources to purchase adequate and nutritious food.”

These communities are also more likely to be experiencing food insecurity. This is defined as being without reliable access to a sufficient quantity of affordable, nutritious food. In 2018, an estimated 1 in 9 Americans were food insecure. That’s more than 37 million Americans, including more than 11 million children.

And, like all of the recommendations in this paper, this is a racial issue. According to the USDA, 22.5% of Black households and 18.5% of Hispanic households are food insecure. This is higher than the national average of 12.3%. How can we ask people who are already starving to improve their diets with more green, leafy vegetables? This recommendation misses our most vulnerable populations completely.

Recommendation 4: It is best not to drink alcohol

We will spend the least time on this recommendation. It is the only recommendation for which there is a clear link to cancer.

Alcohol consumption is an established cause of at least 7 types of cancer: cancers of oral cavity, pharynx, larynx, squamous cell carcinoma of the esophagus, liver, colorectal and female breast cancers.

Deep in the article, the authors state: “… there is no safe level of consumption. The evidence indicates that the more alcohol a person drinks, the higher his or her risk of developing an alcohol‐associated cancer. The risk of some cancers increases at even less than one drink a day. No type of alcohol beverages (e.g. beer, wine, liquor) is less risky in terms of its impact on cancer risk.”’

That’s a much stronger statement than “It’s best not to drink alcohol.”

Alcohol consumption and society

Approximately 50% of Americans over the age of 12 report alcohol consumption. And racial bias may (once again) be involved here. Alcohol abstinence is higher among Hispanics, Blacks, Asians, and Native Americans than among non‐Hispanic whites

This is the only item on the list that has a causal link with cancer. Why is it last on the list? The authors say that any consumption of alcohol causes cancer. Yet they soft-pedal the recommendation by starting with “it is best.” Why?

The authors say that alcohol caused 5.6% of all cancer cases. Meanwhile, exercise, the second recommendation, causes 1.5%, and nutrition is linked to 4.2%‐5.2. In other words, alcohol has the second-highest link to cancer in this paper, yet is listed fourth.

This is where it pays to take a look at the paper’s disclosures. Scientists are required to mention their funding sources. And, guess what? The authors of this paper receive funding from the diet and alcohol industries. The alcohol industry is valued at $72 billion, and very powerful. Could that be why this recommendation comes last and is couched in such gentle language?

Final analysis

We need to think about why there is no recommendation for reducing toxic, chronic stress. The link of stress and cancer is at least as strong as that of exercise and food choices. Yet it is not listed at all. Here again we must think about science through a weight and racial bias lens. The populations that experience the most chronic stress are racial minorities.

Specifically, Black and other racial minorities experience chronic systemic racism that negatively impacts their health. The fact that the authors left stress off the list suggests racial bias. Also, each of the four items listed happens to have a large industry attached to it. Eliminating racism does not.

When you first see this paper, you may take the recommendations at face value. You may decide it’s time for your family to lose weight, start exercising more, and eat “healthier.” You may even cut down your drinking for a little while.

But it’s important not to take scientific recommendations at face value. We must investigate science and learn to recognize weight and racial bias. There are serious consequences for making assumptions about health based on weight and racial bias.

First, we damage people’s health with weight bias. It is considered a toxic stressor which is linked to cancer and other deadly diseases. Next, we whitewash health recommendations, failing to consider racial diversity and social justice. Health is a social justice issue. We need to pursue racial justice for our own families, our communities, and our society at large.  

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Learn more about racism and weight stigma:

• The Racist Roots of Fighting Obesity, by Sabrina Strings and Lindo Bacon for Scientific American
• Interview with Sabrina Springs on The Full Bloom Podcast
• For more research on weight bias, dieting and eating disorders, check out our Research Library

More and more schools are weighing kids, but you usually have the option to opt-out of school weight programs. It’s an option worth considering regardless of your child’s individual weight status.

School weigh-ins are upsetting and stressful for most kids. Parents should be asking hard questions about the practice of weighing kids at school. For example:

• Why should the school weigh my child?
• How will this personal health data be used?
• Given that this is private health data, how is my child’s privacy being protected?
• Does weighing kids at school have any impact on their health?
• Do the risks of weighing my child at school outweigh the benefits (if there are any)?

As parents, we have the right to ask these questions. Many times the answers are vague, and focus on “preventing childhood obesity.” But exactly how does weighing children at school do that? It turns out it doesn’t. Weighing kids at school has not been shown to impact their weight status or health. It has not reduced childhood obesity despite being in practice for decades.

A randomized controlled trial (the scientific gold standard) published in 2016 found that school-based weight interventions that included weighing children, nutrition counseling, and access to an after-school exercise program were not effective in reducing BMI or improving health behaviors. Journal of School Health

Terrifying kids nationwide

Kids do not like school weigh-in programs. When asked, they express confusion, concern, and even terror about being weighed at school. Children may ask to miss school on weigh-in days. This happens even when adults weigh the children one-on-one and don’t comment on the weights publicly.

Think about a group of children waiting in line, waiting to be weighed, watching their peers going in to be weighed. What do you think they are talking about? Weight! They are saying things like “what do you think he weighs?” “she’s so skinny!” and “I’m so fat!”

These are not healthy conversations for people of any age or size. They are a common side effect of being weighed at school while living in a culture of weight stigma.

Many adults remain traumatized by school weigh-in programs from their own childhoods 25+ years ago.

“I remember being weighed in front of all my friends at school when I was about 9. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life! I was told in front of my whole class I was obese. That was the beginning of my eating disorder.”

While many schools attempt to avoid public shaming, the problems with school weight programs remain.

“I hated being weighed at school today. It’s all anyone talked about all day – their weight, other people’s weight. It was awful!”

Why we should opt out of school weight programs

School weight programs are a perfect example of people meaning well but doing harm. School weight programs have not been shown to have any benefit to the children who are weighed. They have not been shown to reduce weight individually or among populations. And even if they did, intentional weight loss is not associated with improved health, and may even lead to reduced health long-term.

A school that focuses any time on children’s weight is very likely to do more harm than good. Here are the reasons we opt out of school weight programs.

1. No evidence of positive impact

Given that we all know that being weighed at school is stressful, there should be good reason to do it. But even a carefully planned and expertly delivered weight program had zero impact on weight, health behaviors or health.

The study published in the Journal of School Health set itself up for success. It implemented an intensive 6-week program incorporating weekly 30-minute counseling sessions followed by a 6-month maintenance phase with monthly sessions and weekly weigh-ins.

Each visit included:

• a weigh-in
• review of diet and physical activity log
• assessment of progress toward behavioral goals with a review of successes and strategies used and problem-solving challenges experienced
• discussion of the session’s topics using a student booklet
• assessment of current behavior related to topics and discussion of challenges and strategies for improving
• structured goal setting for the coming week.

A Food and Activity Tracking Log was provided to support the child in making healthy behavior changes. There was also a comprehensive exercise component.

Despite this advanced program developed by weight loss experts, students in the intervention did not show lower BMI, percent body fat, or waist circumference. Additionally, there were no differences in health behaviors compared to the control group.

Most schools do not have an advanced program like this in place, and merely weigh our kids with no follow-up. So what are they attempting to do when they weigh our kids?

2. Perpetuates weight stigma

There is no evidence to support any benefits of weighing kids at school. And worse, it often causes harm. One reason is that weighing kids at school perpetuates weight stigma. This is the assumption that people are “better” or “worse” based on their weight status.

School weigh-in programs, even those conducted following guidelines designed to minimize risk of stigma and bullying, perpetuate weight stigma and bring weight to the center of conversation for at least one day of the school year.

“I feel so ashamed standing in line to be weighed. Everyone is looking at me and they all know that I’m the fattest kid in the class. I feel their eyes on me and their judgement.”

Bringing weight into the school conversation alongside spelling, history, and math tells our kids that their body weight is just as important as their brain. It’s not.

Weight stigma is strongly associated with negative health outcomes. In fact, many suggest that the problems that have been associated with high body weight are more likely due to weight stigma.

Weight stigma shows up in every corner of our society already. It is in our homes, healthcare settings, and schools. But weight stigma is not making us healthier. In fact, a focus on weight reduction in U.S. schools and healthcare settings has occurred at the same time as rising national weights. In other words, it’s quite possible that weight-stigmatizing behaviors are making us gain weight!

3. Perpetuates diet culture

Another reason our children should not be weighed at school is that we live in a diet culture. This is the assumption that people can and should control their body weight through restrictive eating and increased exercise.

Our diet culture means that many children will restrict food leading up to the weigh-in, or will begin restricting after finding out their weight status at school. Diet culture means that we cannot weigh our children without simultaneously suggesting that they lose weight.

“Mom, I can’t understand how I’m “overweight.” Where? I just can’t figure out what I’m supposed to do with this information.”

Weight loss methods are often called “lifestyle changes,” but the majority of bodies require mild starvation in order to lose weight. Intentional weight loss is dieting, no matter what we call it. One study found that girls who diet are 25% more likely to develop an eating disorder.

Dieting, regardless of the specific method, has such massive failure rates and side effects that it should be permanently removed from practice. Intentional weight loss results in regain, often plus more, in 90-95% of cases. And it causes permanent changes to the metabolism, making future weight gain more likely.

Over and over again, studies have found that the most common side effect of intentional weight loss is higher weight. Take a moment to imagine healthcare and educational systems that recommend treatment with this level of failure. It’s outrageous.

Opt out: the best imperfect solution

In a perfect world, we would like schools to stop weighing children. However, with weight stigma deeply embedded in our culture, this is unlikely. Luckily, most school weight programs are “opt-out.” This means that parents have the option to opt out of having their child weighed at school.

We recommend that parents opt-out of having their children weighed at school for children of all sizes. This is part of our work towards social justice. Weight stigma will be perpetuated if only the kids in larger bodies opt-out of school weighing. But if kids of all size bodies opt-out, it is a firm statement that weight does not belong at school. It is a statement that all kids deserve to be free of weight stigma.

Check with your district regarding their weighing policy. Find out whether they weigh students and, if they do, whether you can opt out. If not, consider what options you have. Perhaps you can start a movement in your district, or at least at your school. Bodyweight is private medical data. Parents have the right to opt-out of their kids being weighed at school.

Health can be weight-free!

The good news is that not having your child weighed at school does not mean you don’t support your child’s health. In fact, in almost all cases, health exists completely separately from weight.

Schools can certainly improve kids’ health by focusing on movement and nutrition. As long as these programs are free from weight stigma and diet culture, they can be effective and helpful. A few basic principles should guide school health programs:

• No food should be labeled “good” or “bad.” This includes “healthy” and “unhealthy,” which everyone knows is code for good/bad.
• Exercise should never be promoted as a way to “shape up,” “get lean,” or lose weight.
• There should be no mention of “no pain, no gain,” or other fitness euphemisms for suffering in order to look a certain way.
• Adults should avoid labeling people who are thin as “healthy” compared to people who are larger. Body size is not a reliable indicator of health status.
• Nobody should ever be told they need to “watch” their weight. Everybody knows this means restrict food and increase exercise, which is a diet.
• Nobody should ever be complimented for weight loss. This perpetuates the idea that thinner is better.
• Adults should never promote, discuss, or suggest any restrictive eating behaviors, including vegan, vegetarian, paleo, etc.

With these guidelines, schools can positively impact our kids’ health without any of the damaging side effects of weight-based health discussions. When our kids are free from body hate, disordered eating, and eating disorders, they are undoubtedly healthier.

More Ideas

Read More: Educators: please stop promoting dieting and weight loss to children; Let’s make school free of weight bias

Get our “Don’t Weigh My Child at School” cards to help.

Has your daughter called herself fat? What can you do when your tween daughter calls herself fat?

Are you shocked because you didn’t expect her to think that about herself at such a young age? It’s sadly common. One study found that nearly half of girls aged 3-6 years old are afraid of being fat. This is a startling indication of the level of weight stigma and fatphobia we have achieved in our society.

There are two types of girls who worry they are “too fat.” First, there are girls who are in larger bodies according to their body weight. In other words, they are larger than many of their peers. These girls are given lectures at doctors’ appointments and have trouble finding clothing that fits them well in stores. Second, there are girls who are technically in smaller bodies. These girls are automatically assumed to be “healthy” based on their weight and have no trouble finding clothing in stores.

There’s a difference

It’s important to recognize the difference in these girls. We must understand that our girls know that in our society, being fat is considered a terrible thing. Societal messages constantly reinforce the idea that being thin is the path to health, happiness, and success. Thus it shouldn’t be surprising that tweens use the word “fat” as a slur. But also, when a tween girl feels bad about herself she will call herself “fat” as a stand in for feeling sad, bad, or lonely.

When a larger girl calls herself fat it is very likely she is experiencing discrimination, or fatphobia in the world. She must be supported in recognizing that fatphobia is wrong and harmful and accepting her body as it is. When a smaller girl calls herself fat she is perpetuating fatphobia. She has picked up on messages that fat is bad, and needs to be taught that it’s not OK to use fat as a slur against herself or others.

5 rules about the word “fat”

Maybe you’re surprised that I”m using the word fat. If so, here are some ground rules so you understand exactly how and why I use it.

1. Fat should never be used as a slur or a way to criticize bodies.
2. If you are not fat then in general you should not use the word fat unless you have been educated and truly understand appropriate uses.
3. Fat can be used as a neutral descriptor. You have fat in different places on your body just like you have hair in different parts of your body. You can be fat just as you can be blonde or tall. But you should not use these words unless you sure it is both neutral and true.
4. Fat is a feature, not a feeling. It should not be used as a stand-in for feelings like scared, sad, or lonely.
5. If someone is large and uses the word fat as a way to describe their body, do not correct them. Fat people get to claim the word “fat” for themselves if they want to.

Now let’s explore how you can respond to your tween daughter when she calls herself fat.

Guidelines for parents who have larger kids:

A tween girl who is actually considered “fat” is going to face discrimination. She will be criticized for her weight and will have trouble finding clothes. This is terrible, and it’s also true. Parents need to recognize that if their child is physically larger, she’ll need extra support in accepting her body.

1. Don’t tell her that it’s just baby fat/she’s not fat, etc.

Don’t say that she will grow out of it. And don’t demand that she is not fat, she’s beautiful. All of these things can make her feel even more ashamed of her body. They all suggest that fat is bad, and something to get over and/or be ashamed of. Instead, talk to her about what it means to live in a larger body in our society. Help her understand that we are more than bodies.

2. Tell her it’s not OK

It’s never OK for your child to be criticized, teased, or marginalized for her body size. Bodies are a social justice issue. They are assaulted by racism, sexism, and other forms of discrimination. Parents who have larger kids need to become social justice warriors who are willing to fight back against our culture. We can build a kinder world for our children (and everyone), but it’s not going to happen without work. Read More: Weight stigma and your child

3. Work on your own food and body issues

Our kids are finely attuned to how we feel about them. If you have food and body issues, there is a good chance that you are struggling to accept your child’s body. Invest time and energy into understanding body politics and fatphobia so that you can help your child. Read More: Get off the diet cycle and raise healthier kids

4. Teach her to accept her body (and never diet)

Trying to change our body size and shape doesn’t work, and it leads to eating disorders, so our main goal as parents of children living in larger bodies is to help them never, ever diet, which means we need to help them accept their weight, whatever it is. Read More: The science to support a non-diet, weight-neutral approach

5. Find out her feelings about the word “fat”

Fat can be a neutral descriptor, but it can also be a way to be cruel to ourselves. It’s not OK for her to call herself derogatory names. Often when she calls herself “fat” in a negative way, it means that she’s struggling with other feelings. Ask her questions. Find out what “fat” means to her. Read More: A letter to a tween daughter who called herself fat

6. Peers may tease her because of her body

It sucks, but she will likely experience discrimination because of her body. It’s not fair, but don’t make it worse by ignoring it or pretending it doesn’t happen. Teach her to be confident and assertive in these situations. Give her some tools to respond to bullying. But also be prepared to speak with your school’s administration if she becomes a target for bullies. Read More: Help your child deal with body shaming

7. Healthcare providers, teachers, and well-meaning adults will tell her to “watch” her weight and “eat healthy”

She knows this is code for “your body is unacceptable.” Teach her that their beliefs are not true and their behavior is not OK. Learn about Health at Every Size® and teach her that just because our society is fatphobic does not mean there is something wrong with her. Empower her to politely but assertively respond to these people. Allow her to opt out of school weigh-ins and doctor’s weigh-ins when possible.

8. Work harder to find age-appropriate, cute clothing

Work a little harder to help her have fun with fashion. Do your research and make sure that stores carry her size before taking her shopping. Remind her that the problem is never her body, it’s the sizeist fashion industry. And help her blame the clothes, not herself, when things don’t fit. Read More: How to shop for clothes when your daughter wears plus size.

Guidelines for parents who have daughters in smaller bodies:

If your tween girl is not actually fat, you need to educate her about being a good citizen and not be fatphobic. This will help her be healthier as well as make her a better friend, family member, and community member.

1. Teach her about appropriate and inappropriate ways to use the word fat.

In other words, teach her that unless the word fat accurately describes her body, she may not use it. She should never use the word as a slur about anyone’s body. And teach her to use feeling words for feelings. Fat is not a feeling.

2. Teach her about body politics and fatphobia

Body fat is a social justice issue. Parents need to teach kids of all sizes to be social justice warriors who are willing to fight back against our culture. We can build a kinder world for our children (and everyone), but it’s not going to happen without work. Read More: Social Justice, Fatphobia, and Eating Disorders

3. Teach her that body size is not a joke or something to be taken lightly

In our current climate, it may help to align body size with race. Just like she should not make jokes about, criticize or tease someone for their skin color, she should not make jokes about, criticize or tease someone for their weight.

4. Help her understand that calling herself fat in front of friends who are larger will make them feel bad

Smaller people rarely notice the impact of their comments on friends and peers who are larger. Teach your daughter that when she calls herself fat, it makes everyone feel bad about themselves.

5. Let her know that weight is not equal to health

Your child can be an ally to kids who are in larger bodies by intentionally disconnecting the association between weight and health. The idea that weight = health is problematic on every level, not least of which because it’s just plain wrong. But it also increases the chances of your child thinking it’s OK to criticize people for their bodies. The weight = health bias is bigoted and unhelpful.

6. Teach her not to diet, ever

Dieting is completely unhelpful. 95% of people who intentionally lose weight regain the weight, often plus more. That’s because weight is not a matter of willpower; it’s a matter of biology and environment. Also, about 20% of teens who go on a diet will progress to an eating disorder. Those are not good odds.

But what about health?

Fatphobia has been neatly shrouded in the belief that people can criticize other people’s weight if they are concerned about that person’s health. Headlines abound regarding the “obesity epidemic,” and the many dangers of fat. But in fact, there is no proven link between obesity causing an earlier age of death, and in many cases, people who carry more weight actually live longer.

You need to know that many of the studies and information that we hear is funded and promoted by the diet industry, a $72 billion monster that can only survive when its market (us) is convinced that they need to lose weight to achieve success and happiness. This is the core goal of marketing: to create a market by creating a problem they can solve. The diet industry is genius because it has convinced most people that its product works even though it fails 95% of the time. How do they do this? By telling us that failure is a weak-willpower problem, not a problem with their product. Genius!

We have known the truth for decades: Diets don’t work, they lead to eating disorders, and they actually result in weight gain. I can say with confidence that it is healthier to raise your daughter to accept her weight and not be fatphobic than to judge her own or anyone’s health and worth based on the scale.

The biggest danger to her health is the belief that there is something wrong with gaining weight or living at a higher weight.

Teach body acceptance to all girls (of any size)

Learning body acceptance is not easy, but it is the single greatest step we can take as parents to help our children be truly healthy in body and mind. Body acceptance is the best way to help your tween daughter who calls herself fat.

Body acceptance simply the act of accepting the body as it is, with no assumption that it needs to change. Weight loss is about controlling food and exercise in order to reduce the body. Body acceptance is about enjoying food and exercise, and living a healthy, active lifestyle, with no expectation of reducing body size.

Body acceptance comes with time – it is not something that happens overnight. It will require consistent conversation with your child to convince her that her body truly is OK. Here are some tips:

1. Don’t diet or control your weight

Children learn from parents, and parents who diet are more likely to raise kids who diet. Accept your own body, and your children are more likely to accept theirs.

2. Avoid fashion/lifestyle/celebrity magazines

Avoid magazines and reading materials into the house if they promote any form of dieting or focus on weight loss. Remember that most magazines are not talking about diets openly – they are hiding them under the guise of “health,” but if the goal is weight loss, it is, in fact, promoting a diet.

3. Avoid purchasing any foods that are considered “diet” food

This includes diet soda and anything sugar-free, fat-free, carb-free, etc. Only use gluten-free products if someone in your family has Celiac disease or is otherwise instructed not to eat gluten free by a board-certified physician. Stay away from food fads that are being promoted on Instagram as “clean.”

4. Turn off or at least clap-back at television shows that promote dieting or weight loss

The same goes for TV shows that glorify thinness or feature unusually thin people. Avoid shows in which the characters make fun of people who are fat, discuss dieting, weight loss or a need to change their body size or shape.

5. Seek media materials that are inclusive

This means they feature a variety of characters of different sizes, shapes and skin color. Normalizing normal bodies is a very important part of body acceptance. It’s hard to find entertainment that is truly inclusive, but try! And when you are consuming non-inclusive media, talk about the lack of diversity.

6. Eliminate all #fitspo, #bodygoals and similar “health” accounts from social media

Monitor your child’s Instagram, TikTok, and other social media accounts to protect her from dangerous messages about reducing and controlling body size. Instagram, in particular, has been shown to be deeply damaging to girls’ self-esteem and body acceptance, in part because it has become a marketing platform for coaches and trainers who are selling their programs, diet shakes, diet teas, etc. The diet industry teaches their salespeople to use Instagram as a sales platform.

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There is nothing we can do as parents to completely protect our children from the fatphobic culture in which we live. But if our tween daughter calls herself fat, we can help. We can teach her to navigate our fatphobic culture without shame, control our home environment, and talk to her openly and often about accepting her body.

This letter was submitted by a parent who wishes to remain anonymous:

We came in for a check-up for my 12-year-old daughter last week. Since her birth, you have spent significant time during our appointments discussing my daughter’s weight trajectory. I can remember you telling me several times that her height was at a higher percentage than her weight, which you said was “good.”

But this time, her weight had jumped up a category, and you told us we need to “watch” her weight. You asked her pointed questions about her food consumption and exercise habits and asked her why she thinks she has gained weight.

This is a serious issue for me because I know how incredibly damaging weight-based comments can be to a child’s long-term health. I know that you care about your patients, and I know that you had no intention of doing harm, and yet you did. Here’s why:

1. Your comment suggested that weight gain is cause for concern

My daughter is right in the middle of the multi-year process of puberty, and her body is making its transition into that of a woman. There is no need to pathologize her body’s development during a stage that is known for weight fluctuations, especially since we know how vulnerable young girls are to eating disorders. Looking at a chart and seeing a person’s body weight should not override your ability to look at my child and see that she is healthy and thriving.

2. You suggested that a higher BMI is cause for concern

You mentioned that my daughter’s BMI has increased since you last saw her. The BMI scale was developed 200 years ago by a mathematician who explicitly stated that it could not and should not be used to indicate individual health. BMI pays no attention to body composition, which is why athletes have high BMIs. It is also racist and sexist. The healthcare system has grabbed onto BMI as a way to categorize individual weight and link it to health status. This is complete nonsense. BMI is not, and has never been a meaningful way to measure individual health (NPR).

3. Telling a child to “watch” their weight is unhelpful at best, and harmful at worst.

You may think that your comments during our appointment were not directly recommending dieting or weight loss, but there is simply no other way for my daughter and me to interpret them given the diet culture in which we live. Even if they were meant helpfully, your words do not exist in a vacuum, they were not benign, and they had a negative impact on my child.

When we left your office, my daughter looked down at her body and said in a small voice “where would I lose weight from? And how would I do it?” This infuriates me. Your comments caused her to doubt her body and want to change her strong, healthy, and thriving body.

There is no value in telling a child to “watch” her weight. If she passively “watches” it, she will gain and lose weight the same as she would if she paid no attention to the scale. What you really mean when you tell a person to “watch” their weight is that they need to avoid gaining “too much” weight.

Girls who “watch their weight” feel shame about their bodies and attempt to control their weight by dieting. They are part of the 65% of American women who participate in disordered eating behavior and another 10% who have eating disorders (UNC).

“Watching” your weight is a euphemism for dieting, which is the most important predictor of new eating disorders. One study showed a 5x increased risk of eating disorders for adolescents who engaged in moderate dieting and an 18x risk for adolescents who engage in extreme dieting and restriction (The BMJ).

4. Weight-based comments perpetuate weight stigma and diet culture

Our medical system has an unhealthy focus on body weight as the primary indicator of health, and this weight bias is impacting us all, especially girls and women (NEDA). When doctors make comments about weight, they must recognize the culture in which we live and the unhealthy weight stigma and diet culture that we encounter every day and carefully consider whether unsolicited weight-based comments add any value to patients’ healthcare (HINT: in most cases, the answer is “no”).

There are so many measurements of health, and weight is one over which we have very little influence, despite dedicated efforts. The best evidence of this fact is that despite the endless weight loss information provided in healthcare settings and the media and a $72B diet industry pushing every possible “solution” to overweight, there is zero data to show that intentional weight loss efforts last or that they positively impact health outcomes. In fact, the most notable outcome of intentional weight loss is weight regain (Journal of Obesity).

There are many health behaviors that can positively impact my child’s health that have zero side effects, including stress reduction, balanced nutrition, physical movement, and sleep hygiene. So why not focus on those when you meet with a young woman who already faces huge gender and body bias in our culture? Why talk about her weight when such comments can only harm her health?

A negative outcome

The outcome of our appointment was not greater health for my child. It added stress and anxiety to a notoriously difficult time in a girl’s life. It was fuel for the societal belief that something is “wrong” with her and that she needs to “watch” her body even as it’s developing new levels of productivity, ability, and joy. This is absolutely not healthy.

I sincerely hope you will consider how you choose to talk about weight in the future.

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This letter was submitted to me by a parent who wishes to remain anonymous.

Read More:

U.S. News & World Report: Diet Culture Dangers: Could your Child Be Heading for an Eating Disorder?

Weight Loss Initiatives for Teens: They’re Hurting, Not Helping by Katherine Zavodni, MPH, RDN

‘We need to talk about her weight.’ The doctor then looks at her and says, ‘I think you are old enough to start using exercise equipment too.’ ARE YOU KIDDING ME?’

The Nurse Practitioner says to my 13-year-old daughter, ‘Tell me Riley, HOW CAN YOU EXPLAIN ALL THIS WEIGHT YOU’VE GAINED?’

A Plea for Détente in the War on Obesity, by Linda Bacon, Ph.D

Secrets From the Eating Lab: The Science of Weight Loss, the Myth of Willpower, and Why You Should Never Diet Again, by Traci Mann, Ph.D

Even the most body-positive parent with a strong knowledge of Health at Every Size can feel overwhelmed when their sweet child calls herself fat. We can talk about positive body image all we want, but when negative body thoughts inevitably find their way into our daughter’s head, we may feel frozen and ill-equipped to respond.

What not to say when your daughter calls herself fat

There are many ways we can respond to bad body thoughts, and most of our automatic responses are pretty bad. Don’t worry if you have said things like this before, but do try to avoid saying these things in the future:

• You’re not fat!
• You can lose weight/suck your stomach in/stand up straighter
• Your body is perfect!
• You have your grandmother’s body – you’re just going to have to fight it
• If you weren’t such a couch potato it might help
• If you ate fewer sweets it might help
• Let’s go on a diet together!

These comments are all dangerous because they support the idea that being fat is a bad thing and that being fat is something over which we have control. Parents need to be very careful about supporting society’s fatphobic beliefs and completely inaccurate diet claims.

Quick recap of the truth about diets: up to 95% of intentional weight loss efforts (via any method) result in weight regain (often plus more), and 25% of diets lead to eating disorders.

Our daughters need our help

Girls and women live in a heavily fatphobic society and are exposed to hundreds of anti-fat messages, the deeply ingrained belief that fat is bad, and that “good” people can and should control their body weight even though it’s dangerous and scientifically proven not to improve health.

We live in a fatphobic society. When our daughters have bad body thoughts, it’s not a sign that they need to change their bodies. It’s also definitely not a sign that they have particularly low self-esteem. In a fatphobic society, it’s completely normal to have bad body thoughts.

There is nothing wrong or unusual about a girl who has bad body thoughts. In fact, it’s unlikely there are any girls who don’t occasionally experience bad body thoughts. It may hit us in the gut to hear our daughter hating her body, but it is sadly normal in our society.

That doesn’t mean we need to allow bad body thoughts to fester and grow. Here is a letter or script (depending on how you want to use it) to guide you when your daughter calls herself fat or has any other bad body thoughts. This advice applies to spontaneous bad body thoughts in response to looking in the mirror. It’s probably most appropriate for a girl who is at least 12.

If your child is on the receiving end of weight-based bullying or any negative feedback regarding her body, you need to begin by protecting her from such situations before presenting this letter’s content.

Letter to daughter who called herself fat

My Sweet Girl,

Yesterday I heard you tell your dad that you looked “fat.” It hurt my heart to hear you say that, and I’m afraid I didn’t know what to say or how to respond. After thinking about it some more, here is what I would like to tell you.

Most of the time when we call a body “fat,” we mean it in a hurtful way. This is because we live in a society that believes that being fat is a bad thing. I know we’ve talked about this before, but it has to be said over and over: there is nothing wrong with fat. It’s gotten a bad rap, and it doesn’t deserve its reputation.

Every body is a good body. There are no bodies that are better or worse than others. This knowledge is rebellious. It goes against our culture’s messed up fatphobic beliefs. Join me in the rebellion!

But knowing this is not enough. Even rebels have bad body thoughts. So the next thing you need to know is that when we have a bad body thought, it’s usually standing in for a difficult feeling. When we feel tired, lonely, overwhelmed, sad, or afraid, our minds can’t figure out what to do, so instead, they give us a bad body thought. Our minds figure a bad body thought is better than feeling sad, lonely, or afraid.

“I feel/look/am fat” often means “I feel overwhelmed,” “I feel angry,” “I feel lonely,” etc. I’m pretty sure that when you said “I look fat” last night you were both exhausted and overwhelmed. I’m pretty sure you were also a little bit frustrated.

This is why it’s helpful, any time you have a bad body thought – any time you look in the mirror and say any version of “I look fat,” to get curious about the difficult feeling that it’s hiding. Bad body thoughts are going to happen, and you’re not wrong, stupid, or bad when you have a bad body thought. Even the strongest rebels have them. I only ask that when you have a bad body thought, you close your eyes, and think to yourself:

I’m having a bad body thought. What’s the feeling underneath this bad body thought? Am I lonely? Scared? Am I overwhelmed? Sad? Am I angry? What am I really feeling?

You don’t need to have the answers to these questions. Also, this isn’t some sort of magic spell that will make the bad feelings go away forever. But just asking the questions is a good way to take the sting out of the bad body thought. And it’s better than the alternative, which is to believe the bad body thought and take it at face value. Remember: bad body thoughts are a cover for difficult feelings.

I’m so sorry that we live in a society that tells us our bodies are wrong. I’m so sorry that as females we face more scrutiny of our bodies and pressure to conform to societal expectations. I wish I could change our society for you. I wish I could tell you that you will never have bad body thoughts. But I cannot. All I can tell you is that it’s normal. And that you’re OK.

Oh … and that you can fight back with all of your rebel heart.

But also … when your rebel heart gets tired, and when your bad body thoughts are raging, I hope you will reach out to me. I promise to acknowledge that your bad body thoughts are happening. And they suck. And they make sense. I’ll be here when the difficult feelings underneath the bad body thoughts show their faces, and I’ll be here to give you more love, more attention, more support, and a shoulder to cry on as you work through them.

I love you so much.

Love, Mom

Important: results may vary

If your daughter calls herself fat, you can write a beautiful letter or make an amazing speech, but your child may not respond positively. In fact, your child may be pissed. That’s OK. Sometimes parents say things that are irritating or annoying to our tweens and teens. Their snarls, eye rolls, and stomping feet are not an indication that we did it wrong. They are an indication that what we said was received. It’s OK for us to tell them things, and it’s OK for them to respond in their own ways. A letter to help your daughter after she calls herself fat is just the first step. Release the fantasy of any single letter, conversation, or interaction making things perfect. Remember that we’re in this for the long haul.

Dear Ginny, 

My daughter has gained weight with puberty, and her dad is constantly bugging her about it. We divorced over a decade ago, which makes it hard for me to help her since I’m not there for most of the conversations. She has told me that he frequently brings up her body size, and tells her she needs to watch her weight, exercise more, and eat less. Last weekend she told me that while her half-brother is encouraged to get seconds if she wants more food at dinner, her dad and stepmom will say that she shouldn’t get seconds because she needs to watch her weight.

Now I’m noticing that she seems confused about eating and is watching her weight more closely. She asks me if she’s fat, and I often find her looking at herself in the mirror critically. She seems really vulnerable when she comes back from her dad’s house, and sometimes I find her eating a lot more food than normal. She tries to hide it from me, but I can tell that lots of food is missing. Alternatively, she will refuse food, saying that she’s not hungry, already ate, or will eat later.

I’m so upset, but I really don’t know what I can do about this.

Signed, Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom,

You are correct that your ex-husband’s behavior is damaging and hurtful to your daughter. Biologically, females are required to gain weight in order to begin menstruation, and so weight gain during puberty is perfectly normal and healthy. This weight gain often comes on fast and furious, but over time, as long as we don’t mess with it, our bodies find their own way to their best health. But regardless of her weight, it is never appropriate to tell someone what they should (or should not) put in their body.

In terms of the dinner table and the issue of seconds, what your ex is doing is called “food shaming” and it can take many forms. Most people have bought the diet industry’s assessment that our bodies are as simple as calories in and calories out. In other words, that if we eat less, we will weight less. This translates into the false belief that people who weigh more are eating more than they “should.”

This is factually incorrect, as each body has its own complex metabolism system, and many people who are living in very large bodies actually eat the same amount or even less than people who are living in smaller bodies. At the same time, many people who live in large bodies exercise more frequently and eat a generally “healthier” diet than many people who live in small bodies.

You’re right that it may be very difficult to stop your ex and his wife from criticizing or judging your daughter when she is eating with them. However, you should have a conversation with your ex in which you describe what you are observing and ask him to stop focusing on food and weight with your daughter.

You can tell him that even though we live in a culture that believes it is correct to tell women what to eat and how much they should weigh, it is not healthy to do this, and can cause serious health complications for your daughter. Let him know that you are observing some signs of disordered eating in your child and that you would like him and his wife to stop mentioning food and weight in any way.

Of course, they may refuse to change, or even flat-out deny that there is a problem. You can still help your daughter by giving her some tools to stand up for herself. First, reassure her that her body is fine just as it is and that the worst thing we can do for ourselves is restrict our food when we are hungry. Consider reading Body Respect by Linda Bacon together so that you can both become educated about body weight.

Next, come up with some phrases that her dad and stepmom say to her and possible responses. For example, if dad says “are you sure you want more?” she can say “Dad, when you ask me that, it makes me feel as if you don’t trust that I know how to feed my body. I’d like you to trust me, please.”

If her stepmom says “I think you’ve had enough,” she can say “Sheila, when you say that, it makes me feel as if you think you know my body better than I do. I’d like to make my own decisions, please.”

These examples are both assertive and polite. Notice that she is not telling them to “lay off” or “shut up,” nor is she withdrawing into silence or tears. She is learning to stand up for herself, which will serve her well in every life situation.

Write some options down, and do some role-playing so that she can practice this with you in a safe place. You can play-act possible responses from dad and stepmom. The first few times your daughter speaks up for herself, she may meet resistance and even anger from them. She may try to blame herself for their reaction to her reasonable requests to respect her body as her own. Help her understand that she is not responsible for their reactions to her reasonable requests.

She should not stop standing up for her bodily autonomy.

We can never control other people, but we do have the power to control our own bodies. If her dad and stepmom continue to disrespect her body, she has every right to limit her time with them and avoid eating with them.

Meanwhile, please continue to observe your child’s behavior. If you continue to see the body image disruption and disordered eating behavior you described, please consider talking to a trained professional, either a psychotherapist who has clinical training in eating disorder treatment or a non-diet dietician. You are looking for someone who follows a non-diet approach. A professional can provide helpful assessments and tools to help you navigate the coming years as your daughter’s body develops.

Sending Love … Ginny

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Linda Bacon has an excellent video that you all can watch to become better educated on body weight issues:

Dismantling fatphobia and weight stigma, as well as other systems of body oppression at a systemic and institutional level, will be necessary if we are to put an end to eating disorders.

The discrimination facing larger bodies is serious: weight stigma has been shown to impact mental and physical health by increasing risk for elevated blood pressure, unhealthy weight control and binge eating behaviors, bulimic symptoms, negative body image, low self-esteem, and depression among children, adolescents, and adults (Tylka et al., 2014). Rebecca Puhl’s research indicates a 66% rise in weight-based discrimination over the past 10 years.

Our society reinforces and maintains the toxic hierarchy of acceptable bodies, while openly and aggressively criticizing the vast majority of people who fall outside the confines of socially acceptable body size. Meanwhile, bodies that meet or conform to the cultural beauty and health ideals enjoy increased power, privilege, status, and access.

It is simply impossible for every body to meet the socially constructed ideals of beauty or health in regards to body size, skin color, physical ability, neurological presentation, gender identity, etc. This leads to the oppression and discrimination of those who do not conform and increases the risk of mental and physical health consequences. In attempts to free themselves of these cultural aggressions people experiencing weight stigma may engage in dangerous, harmful behaviors in order to change their body’s weight or shape.

Social Determinants of Health

Social Determinants of Health take into consideration the broader factors in the context in which we live and the way those factors impact population health. These factors include things like income and wealth distribution, education opportunities, unemployment and job security, food insecurity (regular and reliable access to food), housing, social exclusion and inclusion, social safety, health services (access to quality, unbiased, safe care), race, gender, disability, and indigenous status.

There are many factors that impact our health and not all of them are within our individual control. Actually, the factors that are within our control, or our individual responsibility, represent only a small proportion of the total factors that impact our health.

Yet public health campaigns, individual healthcare providers, and wellness gurus reliably target individual behavior as the pathway to help. This not only limits the impact that these interventions can have on health, but also increases the risk of shame and stigma being experienced by people who do not align with culturally defined acceptable behaviors or physical presentation of “health.”

This brings us back to the importance of applying a social justice lens to health. Our current systems and institutions perpetuate a structure of privilege, status, and access to some bodies while restricting it from others. This is not health promoting. It is actually causing mental and physical harm and worsening the health of our society and its individuals. It narrows our view of what impacts our health and erases our lived experiences. Shifting to a social justice framework and considering social determinants of health helps us to tailor our care to be more equitable and makes space for all bodies to exist with respect and free from prejudice and discrimination.

Health at Every Size®(HAES®) is an approach to both policy and individual decision making that is grounded in a social justice framework and considers social determinants of health.

Focusing on well-being by broadening perspective on health

It has been my experience that the more fraught a person’s relationship with food and body is, the more time, energy, and focus they spend on food and body. These efforts can result in negative impacts on health (i.e. greater body dissatisfaction, obsessive thoughts about food, weight cycling). In contrast, the more at peace a person is with food and their body, the more time, energy, and space they have for other, often more fulfilling thoughts and activities that positively impact health and well-being.

First, as a woman with many privileges (thin, white, without illness or disability, etc.) my actions of being radically counterculture around food and body are met with little resistance in the world as compared to those who do not possess these privileges.

By giving myself permission to eat with pleasure and in attunement to what feels good and supportive of my overall wellbeing I am able to remove the restrictive, external rules of diet culture. I am also able to rid my food choices of morality thereby creating freedom from the cycle of shame that so often drives disordered eating behaviors.

I talk about food and my experience of it with curiosity and without judgment. Food is never tied to earning or deserving, to compensation or punishment, nor to moral superiority or failing. Our bodies are born with an innate need for nourishment and our food provides us with pleasure in order to ensure this nourishment is consistent. Enjoying food is not a flaw nor something to be fixed or controlled. In fact, in honoring our appetite and learning to listen to and honor our body’s needs we are best positioned to take care of it.

Taking this radical approach to food provides us with an alternative to the sea of diet culture in which we swim. Some people have been swimming in the sea of diet culture for so long they don’t even realize it’s there. However, if we can provide a contrast to what they are used to, a safe harbor of body liberation and intuitive connection, they can start to do the work of sorting out what is actually most healthful for them.

Preventing eating disorders

To prevent eating disorders, we must dismantle fatphobia and diet culture and bring awareness to social justice and social determinants of health. We must recognize and celebrate body diversity and dismantle the hierarchy of acceptable and respectable bodies.

We must provide better training to our healthcare professionals, educators, coaches, caregivers, and parents around the factors that increase the risk for developing an eating disorder (genes, trauma, illness, culture and environment, weight stigma and bias).

We must move away from a binary system and towards a space of plurality along the continuum of human experience. Humans are not just fat or thin, black or white, gay or straight, feminine or masculine. We exist at the intersection of multiple identities. Bringing awareness allows us to engage in helpful vs harmful ways and set us up for the best chance of eating disorder prevention.

Cultivating an environment of peace with food and body at home can look like:

1. Nurturing body trust through curiosity and connection.

2. Supporting autonomy and independence in eating by providing regular and reliable meals and snacks which contain a variety of nourishing and pleasurable food, and then, without pressure, allowing the child to be in charge of whether and how much they eat.

3. Exploring and celebrating human body diversity with intention and making space for curious questions and observations without shaming.

4. Avoiding judgments and morality when discussing food and body whether you are with your kids or not.

Important leaders in this space

Desiree Adaway describes a social justice approach as “focusing on the unequal social power between groups that leads to some groups having privilege, status, and access while other groups are denied these things.”

Carmel Cool describes body liberation in a social justice context as “honoring the fundamental rights of fat people to exist without prejudice and discrimination and believing that people’s bodies are not problems to be solved.”

Jes Baker describes body liberation as “freedom from expectations. As recognizing the systemic issues that surround us and acknowledging that perhaps we’re not able to fix them all on our own.”

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Meghan Cichy, RDN, CEDRD, CSP, CD, Creating Peace with Food, LLC

I work with clients of all ages who are on the spectrum of disordered eating from weight control dieting to eating disorders. I work to meet them where they are while supporting them in identifying and moving towards their value-driven life. Meeting clients where they are means making space for, trusting, and validating their lived experiences, acknowledging their fears and anxieties, and recognizing their tools for protection and self-preservation. It means giving them a place to explore their body story and how it relates to the way they nourish themselves with food, movement, and self-care. My clients’ body stories are all unique. Some contain a few pivotal moments that have shaped the way they move through the world. Others express more subtle but deeply ingrained threads of overt or covert expectation. Either way, when these experiences occur in childhood they set off a cascade of learning and adapting that lead to a lifetime of practiced survival behaviors. Getting to a place of safety where one can start to let go of the behaviors that are no longer serving them and begin to practice other life-enhancing and value-driven behaviors can take years. I am dedicated to coming alongside my clients as a resource as they do this challenging and valuable work.