How to help a child who overeats and sneaks food

If your child is overeating or sneaking food, it can be deeply worrying and even confusing as a parent. You might feel unsure how to respond without making the problem worse or triggering shame. The truth is, these behaviors often have emotional roots and are rarely about “willpower” or defiance. Below is my response to a worried parent to help understand what might be going on beneath the surface and offer compassionate, effective ways to support your child’s relationship with food.

Dear Ginny,

My child has a problem — he overeats and sneaks food. Once he starts eating, he can’t stop, and often he eats so much that he becomes visibly miserable. I recently found out that he has been hiding food from me and sneak-eating behind my back. He’s always been on the larger side, and now he’s gaining a lot of weight. He’s getting really big and I’m scared it’s my fault! I’m so worried about his health. I’ve been buying less of his binge foods and often hide food from him in an attempt to help. What else can I do?

Signed, Scared He’s Eating Too Much

Dear Scared,

First, I’m so sorry to hear this. We live in a culture that teaches us to worry about food and weight, and I know how very hard it is to parent in these conditions. Parents are blamed and shamed for how and what their kids eat and how much they weigh. It makes sense that you’re worried about this. I understand.

Why is he eating so much food?

Next, let’s take a look at his food behavior. You are right to be concerned. Since your child overeats and sneaks food to the point of discomfort, he’s struggling with food and likely with weight, too. He may or may not have a diagnosable condition like binge eating disorder or another eating disorder.

While most people assume people with eating disorders are very thin, only 6% of people with eating disorders appear underweight. The rest are in medium to larger bodies. Let’s break down some important terms:

• Overeating is most often a response to restriction and under-eating. When eating is regular and adequate, overeating typically resolves itself. It may also be a symptom of emotional eating, or eating to soothe emotions. If this is the case, the person should still begin by eating regular, adequate meals. At the same time, they can get support in developing non-food methods of self-soothing. Keep in mind that it’s not appropriate to limit or restrict food to treat overeating because doing so typically exacerbates the problem.
• Binge eating involves eating large quantities of food in a single sitting followed by shame and self-recrimination. Binge eating, when done regularly and over time, is a symptom of an eating disorder and needs professional care. As with overeating, binge eating treatment involves eating enough food and building emotional regulation skills.
• Sneak eating is a signal that someone is feeling shame about food. As with overeating, the treatment includes eating enough food and working on emotional regulation skills. Sneaking food also indicates a relational issue that can be addressed in family therapy.

Based on your letter, I encourage you to seek professional support for your son’s eating behaviors as soon as possible. Make an appointment with a registered dietitian who practices from a non-diet approach. This is critical because any form of restriction or pursuit of weight loss can be damaging to your son’s health. Please also seek the support of a therapist who can provide an assessment for binge eating disorder.

We have a directory of non-diet professionals to help you get started: Directory

Why does my child overeat and sneak food?

The most common reason people overeat is an underlying sense of restriction or sensation that they cannot get enough food. In some cases, hunger is entirely physical. When we ignore or override hunger due to shame and/or restriction, it can become overwhelming and lead to binge eating. If your son is restricting food or feels he should restrict food this can create an unfortunate doom loop in which restriction breeds overeating/binge eating.

Binge eating, overeating, and sneak eating are usually caused by food restriction. This can mean your child isn’t eating enough food. However, even if he is technically eating enough food but he believes and/or is being told he should restrict his food, that can have a surprising result. It turns out that both physical and mental restrictions result in overeating and binge eating.

Beyond feeding hunger, overeating and binge eating can become a psychological coping method. All of us need ways to regulate our emotions. If a child does not learn healthy, adaptive emotional coping skills, they may turn to food as a way to self-soothe. This is natural and normal, but it can become destructive and harmful by perpetuating shame and driving the binge eating cycle.

Therefore, if your child has developed overeating or emotional eating as a coping method, he needs support in building alternative coping methods. But at no time should food be restricted or taken away from him. Unlike the abstinence approach in substance addiction treatment, food restriction is never a good idea when food is a coping method. There are many biological and psychological reasons for this, but science says it drives the binge eating cycle.

Surprisingly, people who struggle with binge eating disorder often recover when they are given unconditional social permission to eat exactly the type and quantity of food they want. This, combined with therapy and emotional regulation skills, often provides the foundation for recovery.

Parents and disordered eating

If a parent has restricted a child’s food choices in any way or judged a child who overeats and sneaks food, the child’s natural drive for food can become complicated and fraught with emotion. They’re more likely to develop disordered eating and weight issues. This is not our fault; we live in a dangerous culture that promotes disordered eating practices.

But once we know the truth about how this affects our kids we can dive in, learn new things, and change how we approach food and weight.

One of the most common challenges in our culture is that parents are afraid that if they have a larger child, they will be judged and criticized for their child’s weight. And indeed they might. However, weight is largely genetic and parents should not be criticized when a child is larger.

Fear of judgment can lead parents to create an environment of restriction and shame around food and eating. Unfortunately, a family attitude of shame and restriction around food is a leading environmental cause of disordered eating and weight issues.

Parents’ well-meaning concerns can lead us to restrict our child’s choices and quantity of food, which can have the unintended consequence of leading to food and weight issues. We must work to overcome our weight stigma and reject diet culture to raise healthy children.

5 Things Parents Can Do If A Child Overeats And Sneaks Food

1. Learn more about a non-diet approach to health. While counter to popular culture, this is a well-established science-backed approach to health that doesn’t focus on weight loss. You can check out my Non-Diet/Health At Every Size Fact Sheets or read this article: Data in support of the non-diet approach to health.

2. Try to understand why your child overeats and sneaks food. Most of us jump to conclusions and make assumptions about the reasons for overeating and sneaking food. It’s surprising, but the No. 1 cause of binge eating is restrictive eating. Try to eliminate food restriction (dieting) in your household. If your child is using food to self-soothe, get them support and help them build other emotional regulation skills.

3. Don’t restrict, hide, or limit food in any way. It may feel like the right thing to do, but restricting food for a child who is overeating is very likely to lead to more serious problems. Restricting food adds hunger and shame to an already complicated situation. A child who overeats and sneaks food needs less restriction, not more.

4. Serve regular, substantial meals, and eat together. The most effective treatment for binge eating is eating regular, substantial meals with other people. Serve substantial, regular meals, and eat together in a positive, relaxed setting. I know we’re all busy, but try to eat together as often as possible.

5. Get your child support. When a child overeats and sneaks food it’s a good idea to seek professional help. However, not just anyone is suited to supporting your child. Unfortunately, most professionals operate from the old paradigm, which involves a lot of weight stigma. Instead, seek professionals who practice from a non-diet perspective. They are less likely to do harm and more likely to help.

Help him heal his relationship with food

I understand that weight and overeating are significant concerns. Of course you want to raise a healthy, happy child. And the counterintuitive way to do this is to stop assuming that food restriction and weight loss are a path to health and happiness.

Adopting a non-diet approach to health will make a significant difference in your son’s eating habits. You may notice that when given full unrestricted access to food he eats even more at first, but you must be patient and understand that such behavior is a natural response to restriction. His hunger will settle down once he trusts that his needs will always be met. You must truly believe that your child’s drive to eat is natural and healthy, and you must fully support his eating patterns and body size. 

Work on your own beliefs about food and weight, and give yourself time to learn new concepts and adjust to a new relationship with food and weight.

Most importantly, please know that you are correct to be concerned about your son’s eating disorder behavior. He is currently in danger. This is not a situation that will naturally fix itself, and it will take significant effort on your part to help him. The good news is that your active involvement in supporting his relationship with food and eating will have lifelong consequences on his health and wellbeing.

The elephant in the room: weight

Finally, let’s consider your other main concern, his weight. Most parents have been told and deeply believe that they are responsible for controlling their kids’ weight, which often involves limiting and restricting food. While this is common advice, it backfires. Science says that parents who worry about and try to control their children’s eating and weight are more likely to have kids with eating and weight issues than those who don’t. The best alternative is the non-diet approach to health, which prioritizes healthy behaviors without focusing on weight outcomes.

It’s not your fault if you’ve been worrying about your child’s weight, but the fact is that it’s far better for your child’s lifetime wellness if you use a non-diet approach to health.

Your son has always been in a larger body, and he will likely always be in a larger body. Body weight is mostly genetic, which means his body size is largely out of your control. You can take managing his weight off your list of responsibilities. He will be more likely to be healthy if you are not trying to reduce his weight.

You may understandably believe that the problem is his eating and weight, but the more likely problem is the sense of restriction and shame he feels around eating and weight. You can help him by building your understanding of weight stigma and finding ways to validate your son exactly as he is, regardless of his weight.

See Our Parent’s Guide To The Different Eating Disorder Behaviors