Category: Feeding With Eating Disorders

Many studies have found tremendous benefits in the Mediterranean Diet, but it may surprise you to know that it’s about so much more than food, and its social aspects can help with eating disorders. 

The word diet literally means the food we eat. But none of us eat food without cultural forces that shape how we feel about food, ourselves, and each other. And today the word diet typically means eating in a certain way to achieve weight loss. Most mainstream diets (e.g. Atkins, Noom, Intermittent Fasting, Weight Watchers, etc.) prescribe detailed food plans as the path to weight loss. They rarely address the social aspects of eating, and in fact their rigid programs often interfere with socializing.

Conversely, the Mediterranean Diet does not have rigid food rules and has not been strongly branded and capitalized on as a path to weight loss. While the Mediterranean Diet does suggest general types of food, the important detail is that in the Mediterranean region food is social and cultural. We can apply the social aspects of a Mediterranean style of eating to eating disorder recovery and feeding. This means the focus is not on the food, but rather on how food is prepared, shared, and eaten in community with others.

We aren’t supposed to eat alone!

Humans are highly social animals. We evolved to procure our diets, prepare food, and eat food together as a group. We were never meant to eat alone, but rather as a part of our social activity. Yet today, most of us shop for food, prepare food, and eat food alone. And we do this often while heavily distracted by non-human social proxies like social media or television. 

Have you noticed how hard it is to eat food without the distraction of other people, even if they are virtual and through a screen? That’s a biological adaptation. We aren’t supposed to eat alone!

What is the Mediterranean Diet?

In its simplest form, the Mediterranean Diet is described as a diet rich in fruits and vegetables, grains, seafood, nuts, and fats. From a nutritional standpoint, the Mediterranean Diet prioritizes plants over animals, locally-sourced and in-season food, and foods that are close to their natural state vs. highly processed. 

When seen this way, the Mediterranean Diet is not limited to a specific cuisine and can be applied within many other cultural food traditions. In other words, you don’t have to eat Mediterranean foods to benefit from the Mediterranean approach to food.

Beyond food, the Mediterranean Diet is also strongly associated with the following lifestyle factors: 

• Shared meals: people are more likely to eat together and treat food as an important part of their day 
• Family and food traditions: people are more likely to see food as a family activity that is an essential tradition and bonding opportunity
• Social activity: people gather together socially and have stronger social networks
• Life/work balance: people take a full lunch break, take Sundays off, and generally protect the balance between life and work 

These key elements of the Mediterranean lifestyle are not common in American families, even if they are eating Mediterranean food.

Pro-health benefits of the Mediterranean lifestyle

The health benefits of following a Mediterranean lifestyle include:

• Lower risk of dementia by 23%
• Lower risk of early death 
• Lower risk of cardiovascular diseases and overall mortality

However, focusing solely on the nutrients involved misses the potential opportunity for using the Mediterranean lifestyle on a broader scale. Simply adding walnut oil to your cooking is unlikely to bring the full benefits of the Mediterranean Diet, since the true value likely lies in the overall lifestyle, including social connections and food traditions. 

We know, for example, that actual and perceived social isolation are associated with increased risk for early mortality. In fact, the quality of social relationships far outweighs other factors we frequently associate with a healthy lifestyle, like not smoking and physical activity. 

There is evidence that the Mediterranean focus on the social aspects of eating is associated with better health for adolescents. This lines up with the research supporting family meals as a way to improve nutrition and mental health in children and teens:

• “The frequency of shared family meals is significantly related to nutritional health in children and adolescents. Children and adolescents who share family meals 3 or more times per week are more likely to … have healthier dietary and eating patterns than those who share fewer than 3 family meals together. In addition, they are less likely to engage in disordered eating.” Pediatrics
• “[R]egular family meals were a protective factor for mental health.” This includes mood, anxiety, and substance use disorders as well as fatigue, forgetfulness, irritability, concentration, and sleep difficulties. PLoS One

The Mediterranean lifestyle for treating eating disorders

The true value in the Mediterranean Diet is not just about what is eaten, but how we eat and how we feel when we eat, which is why it can help with eating disorders. Feeding a child with an eating disorder is not easy, but using the social elements of the Mediterranean lifestyle can help.

To apply the principles of the Mediterranean Diet in eating disorders treatment and recovery, consider the following steps: 

1. Daily family meals
2. Socializing when eating
3. Cooking and preparing food together*
4. Sitting together at the same table to eat
5. Sharing meals with family and friends
6. Establishing a sense of community and well-being when eating
7. Talking about the sensations of hunger, satiety, appetite and preferences without judgment or criticism
8. Not using devices and distractions at the table*

*Unless prohibited/prescribed as part of FBT treatment for an eating disorder

The simplest strategy you can implement is focusing on family meals in eating disorder recovery. These should include the following elements:

1. Everyone (or as many family members as possible) eat together
2. Same time, same place, same food
3. Parents focus on positive environment for everyone

Any meal works! If you can’t do dinner, can you do breakfast or a late snack? Adding family meals may seem like a major hurdle for your family, but it will likely make a big impact on your child’s mental and physical health. Is there some small step you can take today to help your family benefit from this aspect of the Mediterranean lifestyle?

See Our Parent’s Guide To Eating & Feeding A Child With An Eating Disorder

Dan reached out to me for some help with his son Braden, who has ADHD and needs to gain weight. “I’m not sure when it started, but suddenly Braden lost weight and his doctor tells us that we have to do something about it right away,” says Dan. “We’re really trying, but we feel totally stuck. Braden says he’s not hungry and rejects almost everything we offer him. We don’t know what else to do!”

I get it. Eating issues are common when you have a child with ADHD. And while it’s not easy, Dan and his partner Eric can make a big difference. They can improve Braden’s lifelong health by addressing this right away.

The link between ADHD and eating issues

People with ADHD are more likely to develop eating disorders than the general population. One study found that 31% of adults diagnosed with eating disorders also had ADHD. This is much higher than the general population, of which 3-10% of people have ADHD. About 36% of people who have bulimia and anorexia with a binging/purging subtype and 18% of people with anorexia have ADHD. Eating disorders have been described both as a symptom of and/or a coping mechanism for the emotional dysregulation that is common with ADHD.

Why it can be hard for a child with ADHD to eat

There are many reasons why eating issues are associated with ADHD. First, people with ADHD are usually highly sensitive to their five senses (smell, touch, taste, sound, and sight), all of which are involved in eating. This can lead to picky eating and a limited palate. They are also more sensitive to their interoceptive state, especially their digestive system, which can lead to disorganized hunger and fullness cues and/or feelings of nausea and other gastrointestinal distress. 

They are also highly attuned to neuroception, the sensation of other people’s emotional states, which can impact eating habits especially if family meals are stressful or chaotic. Together, these sensitivities combine to increase emotional dysregulation, making eating more difficult. A child who is both highly sensitive and has low emotional regulation skills is more likely to adopt coping behaviors like an eating disorder.

Also, a person with ADHD may not notice they are hungry or, even if they do, they may not be motivated to feed themselves. This tendency to be distracted and/or procrastinate eating can cascade into eating disorder behaviors. Most eating disorders begin with under-eating, either intentionally for weight loss or unintentionally due to distraction or avoidance. 

In cases of anorexia and ARFID, the person continues to eat too little. In cases of binge eating, the person restricts then binge eats. And in cases of bulimia, the binge eating episode is followed by purging. Either way, postponing and avoiding eating is a precursor to most eating disorder behaviors.

Finally, the medication used to treat ADHD can interfere with hunger cues, further affecting eating, weight, and digestion. This does not mean you need to discontinue medication, but it’s a good idea to check with your child’s psychiatrist to see if there are any adjustments that might help with eating.

Your child’s weight curve

A big thing to keep an eye on is your child’s weight and height curve. You should see a nice growth curve from birth through today, with your child staying approximately within their natural weight and height curve. This indicates your child is growing according to their body’s unique genetic blueprint. 

For example, if your child was born at the 95th percentile for weight and was there at age 2, 4, 6, and 8, but they have now dropped to the 65th percentile, your child may be weight suppressed. Though it surprises many parents, we don’t want a child from the 95th percentile to drop down to the 65th percentile. And if they do, you’ll likely see an increase in disruptive behaviors and a lower appetite, which leads to more weight suppression, more disordered eating, etc. 

If your child has dropped off their weight curve, they will need help eating enough food to get back to their healthy weight. The further they are from their natural weight, the harder it may be for them to eat. Nonetheless, it’s essential that you step in and intervene, as it is a serious medical and psychological issue. If your child has ADHD and needs to gain weight, please keep in close contact with your child’s doctor to monitor their health.

How to get a child with ADHD to eat

Getting a child with ADHD who has fallen off their growth curve to eat is extremely challenging. It’s also essential medical therapy. Start by seeking advice from a physician and/or registered dietitian (RD). However, beware of a professional who thinks it’s a good thing if your child has dropped off their childhood growth curve. That just means they’re stuck in outdated understanding of weight and health. Find a provider who recognizes that your child’s historical growth path should inform their weight trajectory. 

Assuming they agree that your child needs to gain weight, you can work with them on a plan for feeding. If your child is medically compromised, they may need residential treatment. But in most cases you will be told to feed your child more regular meals. You may get a meal plan with ideas for what to feed your child. But in my experience most parents already know what to feed their child. What you really need to know is how, given ADHD, you can feed your child enough food for them to gain weight. In these cases, parents need a behavioral intervention that won’t trigger their child’s oppositional tendencies or emotional dysregulation.

Here are my top four tips for feeding kids with ADHD:

1. Structure

It’s common in our culture for meals to be chaotic and grab-and-go style. Everyone eats separately and parents may be short-order cooks, feeding each child a different meal at a different time. However, a child with ADHD who needs to gain weight needs structured meals that acknowledge the ritual of eating as important and meaningful. We are social animals – we were never meant to eat alone. 

Create an eating and feeding schedule that involves you serving your child food on a plate, at the table, together with other family members as often as possible. Meals should feature high-calorie foods you know your child will accept as well as other foods they may currently avoid like fruits and vegetables. This will model for your child what a healthy meal looks like even if they are not ready to expand their palate yet. 

Keep the atmosphere at the table “light, bright, and polite.” Any criticism or negative discussions will result in emotional dysregulation and either a loss of appetite or a tendency to binge eat.

2. Fed is best 

If your child is weight-suppressed they need a lot of calories to make up the deficit and get back on their growth curve. While it’s common for parents to worry a lot about the nutritional content of their kids’ diets, at this point your main focus is on feeding a lot of calories as efficiently as possible. Worry less about the nutritional content and instead use the saying “fed is best” to remember that your primary goal is to feed your child enough food regularly so they gain weight. 

Offer fruits and vegetables and other non-preferred foods at every meal. Put them on the table so your child sees them. But your focus is high-calorie, high-fat foods that will help them gain weight. You will have a lot more flexibility and can expand their palate more as they gain weight.

As your child with ADHD achieves weight gain, you will notice that rigid or chaotic eating patterns reduce and you’ll have a lot more leeway for increasing food flexibility.

3. Validation + Expectation

Kids with ADHD are extremely sensitive to demands and criticism, and yet many adults use these techniques to try and motivate them to do things. You will have a lot more success if you change your approach and consistently use a combination of validation and expectation. Here’s how this works: 

1. Validate that they have an opinion, complaint, or resistance
2. State your request or expectation

Always do these two things together, not apart. And resist the temptation to add defensive arguments or compelling incentives. Keep your communication kind, short, and direct.

Here’s a good example of validation + expectation: “I understand that you’re playing a video game right now, but I’d like you to come to the table.” Or “I get it, you don’t want to eat right now, but I think you can handle it.” You may have to repeat yourself several times, varying the words a bit, but this technique is 100% more effective than arguing, negotiating, and debating with a child who doesn’t want to come to the table. 

4. Build emotional regulation skills

While eating and weight gain are the outcome we’re seeking, emotional regulation is the underlying skill that will keep eating and weight, and therefore health, on track for life. Building emotional regulation skills is essential for any child with ADHD, and it will make a difference in every aspect of their health, including their ability to maintain a healthy weight. Parents can do this by building kids’ emotional regulation skills, and we are actually the best people to do this since we’re biologically wired with our kids. Building emotional regulation skills includes:

• Emotional literacy – building an emotional vocabulary so kids can label, name, and talk about their feelings. 
• Emotional co-regulation – regulating your child’s emotional state with your calm, regulated emotional state. You may want to get some training and coaching to do this.
• Skill-building – teaching your child the emotional regulation skills they need to process their emotions rather than coping with automatic, subconscious behaviors. My emotional regulation worksheets can help with this.

Measuring success

If your child with ADHD is weight suppressed it’s important that you restore their weight as quickly as possible. This will not be easy, but it is possible. And many times parents are the best people to help a child in this situation because you know your child best. Your aim is to achieve steady weight gain every week until weight restoration (getting back in their original growth curve) is achieved. Please remember to maintain close contact with your child’s medical and therapeutic providers and get support for yourself, too!

Checking back with Braden

Dan and his partner Eric met with me over the course of several months to optimize their meal structure, behavioral interventions, and emotional regulation skills. They put tremendous effort into Braden’s health, and it paid off. Braden slowly but steadily restored his weight and is back on his growth curve. And the family structure is now set up to support Braden’s nutritional needs.

They have noticed a big difference in Braden’s emotional regulation skills, and their own! Braden is still fairly picky, so Dan and Eric are working on food flexibility, but overall he’s doing great, and the family is closer and more connected than before. “The best part of all of this is that we’ve become much better parents to Braden and partners to each other,” says Dan. “We feel a whole lot more confident about what we’re doing now.”

For privacy, names and identifying details have been changed in this article.

See Our Parent’s Guide To Eating & Feeding A Child With An Eating Disorder

Disclaimer:

The content on this website—including blog posts, guides, newsletters, and other materials—is meant to provide general information and support for parents. It is educational in nature and is not intended as professional mental health care, therapy, or psychological treatment. Visiting this site does not create a client or therapeutic relationship.

The parenting strategies, tips, and resources shared here are designed to inform and empower, but they are not a substitute for professional advice or treatment. Always consult your child’s healthcare provider, therapist, or another qualified professional with any questions about your child’s mental or physical health, medical concerns, or need for therapy.

If you are seeking therapy:

• Contact your insurance provider to find covered mental health professionals
• Visit PsychologyToday.com to search for therapists in your area

If you or your child are experiencing a mental health crisis, please call 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or go to your nearest emergency room immediately.

Brandon has been worried that his child Michael is addicted to sugar for a few years. “He’s always been really into sugar, sweets, and junk food,” says Brandon. “I’ve tried to tell him he needs to avoid sugar. Telling him it’s bad for him doesn’t change anything. I’ve tried hiding the sweets, not buying sweets at all, and even punishing him for eating too many sweets. It seems like my child is addicted to sugar, but is it actually an eating disorder?”

I can understand where Brandon is coming from. There’s a lot of fear about sugar right now. In fact, there’s a lot of common knowledge saying that sugar is a direct cause of disease and weight gain. But the first thing to know is that scientifically sugar is a causal factor in tooth decay, but it is only correlated with other health issues. The truth about sugar is complex and nuanced. 

But the media hates nuance and loves a bad guy, and sugar is it right now. Most of us parents were raised to fear fat, but sugar has taken over as the new nutritional evil. Imagine if we’d heard about a butter board in 1998! The horror! Meanwhile, our “healthy” Snackwells fat-free cookies were loaded with sugar. Nutrition is subject to trends, so it’s a good idea to keep this in mind every time we meet a new nutritional bad guy.

Why does he feel addicted to sugar?

Look, nobody’s saying we want our kids to eat only sugar all the time. That doesn’t make any sense. But there’s a huge distance between banning sugar and eating only sugar all the time. And that’s what I want to explore with Brandon. Just how often is Michael eating sugar? What’s happening when he eats sugar? Does his child show symptoms of being addicted to sugar? Are there symptoms of withdrawal? Does he feel addicted to sugar? Let’s tease this apart a little bit.

“I guess he eats sugar a few times a week,” says Brandon. “Since I rarely have sweets, cookies, and candy in the house now, it’s definitely a special occasion thing. For example, after baseball practice they always get a snack, and it’s often cookies or something like that. And of course there are birthday parties and family events. Stuff like that.” 

Brandon has banned sugary foods from the house. It sounds like he’s concerned about how Michael responds when he gets access to it out of the house.

“He goes crazy for the cookies,” says Brandon. “I see him taking more than his share and it’s embarrassing. And at family parties when there’s a cake, he’ll have two or three slices if I don’t stop him.” 

Got it. So the big question for Brandon is whether his child is addicted to sugar, if he has an eating disorder, or something else. 

What is the truth about sugar addiction?

I checked in with registered dietitian Marci Evans to find out more about sugar addiction. “I’ve been carefully watching the science of food addiction for years,” she says. “And aside from the fact that the “news” about sugar as an addictive substance sounds a lot like fear-mongering to me, it also doesn’t square with my clinical experience as a dietitian. My quick answer is that I don’t believe that sugar is addictive in the same way as caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, cocaine, and other substances.”

Many dietitians, especially those who work with eating disorder populations, are deeply uncomfortable with the vilification of sugar in our culture. They don’t agree with the idea that a child is technically addicted to sugar. And they worry that fear of sugar can lead to an eating disorder.

“I think that the biggest issue with sugar is that, like everything, once a human is told that something is “off limits,” our brain kicks into deprivation mode,” says Marci. “I frequently hear people talking about food, including sugar, and telling me they feel as if they are addicted, by which they mean they feel they cannot stop themselves, and they would really like to stop. It’s important to note here that someone feeling as if they are addicted to something is not the same as being physically addicted to something.”

The body’s need for food is a biological necessity. The drive for food – including sugary food – is not the same as a drive for optional substances like alcohol, tobacco, and cocaine. Putting sugar in the same category as these substances is chemically inaccurate.

Why is my child so obsessed with sugar?

But it’s also true that food can feel addictive. Behavioral addictions are an obsession with and compulsion to do a certain behavior. And eating can certainly become a behavioral addiction. But it’s important to separate behavioral addictions from substance addictions. This is because the treatment for substance addictions usually involves not taking the substance anymore. But most behavioral addictions require at least some continuation of the behavior. 

For example, an eating disorder may be viewed as a behavioral addiction. But recovery is not about never eating or always eating. It’s about finding balance in your approach to the behavior of eating. Recovery from a behavioral addiction is not about abstinence, but acceptance and modulation of urges and desires.

“So far, there is absolutely no scientific evidence that any food is addictive,” says Marci. “Humans must eat food to survive. No specific compounds have been found in food that are like the compounds found in drugs and alcohol. The human drive for food is considered adaptive, while the drive for addictive substances is considered maladaptive.”

What does it mean when craving sugar?

“But what about the research showing that rats get addicted to sugar?” asks Brandon. 

“There has been research showing that rodents consume sugar in an “addictive-like” way,” says Marci. “But this only occurs in settings that involve sugar restriction. This is critical because it is the reason I don’t promote restricting any food items, including sugar. When rats are kept in captivity and offered sugar on an intermittent basis, they exhibit binge-like eating, which researchers identify as addictive behavior. However, when the rats are offered sugar constantly, they do not exhibit this behavior, nor do they eat excessive amounts of sugar.”

“From my perspective, the study of the rats actually supports not vilifying sugar, since doing so can lead to binge behaviors that may look and feel like an addiction,” says Marci. “Again, there is no proof that this behavior is based on the substance itself, but rather the restriction of the substance.”

Ah! That is the key here. 

Why does he have no self control with sugar?

Sugary foods are delicious and compelling for most people, especially children. But there are plenty of children and adults who eat sugar regularly without any signs of addiction or disordered eating. And the secret is that these people are allowed to eat sugar regularly. Without restriction, sugar is delicious, but it’s not compelling. It’s not an obsession or compulsion. We’ve seen this with rats. And dietitians who practice the Ellyn Satter method and/or Intuitive Eating see it every day, too. 

We’ve all seen the kids who dive for the cookies or brownies at the party. What makes them different from the kids who could take it or leave it? Usually it’s the amount of sugar restriction they’re experiencing at home. Because kids who have access to cookies regularly are not likely to feel obsessive, compulsive, or addicted to cookies. 

“Higher weight and binge eating disorder, both of which are frequently associated with “sugar addiction” are far more complex than any single food item,” says Marci. “What I see clinically is that food restriction is a more significant problem and a precursor to weight gain and eating disorders than sugar.”

Advice for Brandon

I can understand why Brandon is concerned about whether his child is addicted to sugar and the potential for an eating disorder. But Michael’s excited behavior around sugary foods is most likely being driven by restriction. We can’t rule out an eating disorder. But we do know that restricting foods at home is a risk factor for eating disorders. So I have some advice for Brandon: 

1. Relax the rules

First, relax your at-home rules around sugar. Remember there is a huge space between no sugar and only sugar. Introduce dessert occasionally or even every day and start normalizing sugary foods as part of a balanced diet. That’s right: sugar can be part of a very healthy diet. Incorporate sugar into your regular diet. This will remove the sense of restriction that may be driving the addicted-like behavior you’re seeing in Michael. 

2. Add in more nutrients, structure, and pleasure

Next, focus more on what you add than what you take away. I’ve said to incorporate sugary foods, but also seek ways to add in more nutritious foods. Expand your family’s daily intake of whole grains, nuts, seeds, fruits, and vegetables. Now, add in is more structure around food and eating. Many families lack feeding structure. But structure has been shown to have a much greater impact on lifelong health than any diet. Do you have at least one family meal per day? If not, add that in! Finally, add in more pleasure! Eating is a social behavior in human beings. Enjoy food, enjoy eating, and enjoy each other.

3. Talk about balance

Once you’ve had sugar incorporated in your diet for a while, if Michael is still acting like he’s “addicted” to sugar, talk about specific behaviors you’re seeing. Make sure you’re coming from a neutral, non-judgmental standpoint. Michael may need help noticing that he is taking more than his share at practice. And maybe cake at a party is totally OK. But then he could add in something with greater nutritional value and then re-evaluate whether he wants a second slice. These conversations will go much better if you’re already modeling this behavior with sweets at home.

4. Stop food shaming

Finally, stop food shaming and any negative talk about food. All foods fit in a healthy diet. Brandon loves Michael and wants what’s best for him, but badmouthing food and calling it junk makes it feel restricted. We crave foods when they are restricted. When all foods are allowed, they are no longer worthy of obsession and compulsion. And never punish a child for eating. When you punish a child for seeking comfort and joy in food you support a disordered relationship with food that can have a lifetime impact on health. Accusing a child of being addicted to sugar usually causes more harm than good.

Up for the challenge

It’s a lot to take in, but Brandon seems up for the challenge. “I can relate most of all to the kids who don’t get sugar at home grabbing all the cookies when they have a chance,” he says. “I remember kids like that when I was growing up. This one kid was on a really strict diet at home and he was seriously crazy about food. Give him access to pizza or M&Ms and he was all over it. The rest of us knew it was because he didn’t get it at home. I guess I’d forgotten about that until right now.”

Brandon’s going to give this advice a try and watch carefully for a reduction in how is child behaves around sugar and track the signs either addiction or disordered eating. Then we’ll re-evaluate whether there’s something more serious going on for Michael. Feeding a child can be complicated in our culture!

For privacy, names and identifying details have been changed in this article.

See Our Parent’s Guide To Eating & Feeding A Child With An Eating Disorder

This is an update to an article published March 13, 2018 called “But, seriously, my kid is addicted to sugar. A discussion about sugar addiction with dietitian Marci Evans”

Marci Evans, MS, CEDRD, LDN, has dedicated her career to counseling, supervising, and teaching in the field of eating disorders. She is a Certified Eating Disorder Registered Dietitian and Supervisor, certified Intuitive Eating Counselor and Certified ACSM personal trainer. In addition to her private practice and three adjunct teaching positions, Marci launched an online eating disorders training for dietitians in 2015 and is co-developing a specialized eating disorder internship at Simmons College.

Eating can be really hard when you have an eating disorder, but affirmations can help. Eating disorders are mental illnesses, which means that we need to change our thoughts and beliefs in order to recover. This is where affirmations come in. Affirmations can help us replace our disordered thoughts with healthy thoughts. Over time, this can change the pattern of our thinking and support recovery.

Common thoughts and beliefs that drive eating disorders are:

• If I eat too much I’ll feel sick and/or gain weight
• I can’t eat food/carbs/sugar etc.
• Exercise is required to “burn off” food calories
• There are some foods that are good and some that are bad
• I can’t trust my body to make healthy choices for me
• I’m not hungry
• That’s too much food for me right now

These thoughts all make sense because we live in diet culture, which perpetuates them all the time. But we can overcome these false beliefs and thoughts with affirmations that counteract the eating disorder thoughts and lead us towards health and recovery.

Having an eating disorder can make it really hard to eat regularly and trust your body to be healthy. Recovery doesn’t happen with affirmations alone, but parents can support recovery by teaching their kids eating disorder recovery affirmations. Here are nine affirmations you can teach your child who has an eating disorder:

1. My body needs food every day no matter what I do

My body needs food. And it’s not just that I need food when I exercise. I need food even if all I do all day is sit on the couch. My brain, lungs, heart, and every organ in my body need food every single day just to exist. My body needs me to eat food every day. Food is the best, most essential, and healthy thing my body needs.

2. All foods are good foods

Even though there is a lot of misleading information about food out there, I know that all foods are good foods. Unless it’s moldy or expired, all food is clean. It’s not better to eat a salad instead of a burger if what I really want is a burger. What I eat should be based on what my body wants and needs, not what someone else has told me is “healthy” or “good.” Right now I need to trust my dietitian and my parents to help me make the right choices for my body. Over time, I’ll learn to listen to my body, which will guide me to eat exactly what I need every day. 

3. I can be afraid to eat and choose to eat anyway

Eating is scary for me right now. It makes sense – I mean, I have an eating disorder! But just because I’m afraid to eat doesn’t mean that I won’t eat. From now on I’m going to feel my fear and eat anyway. Trying to get rid of my fear will never work, but showing my fear that I can eat even when I’m afraid of it will help me feel stronger every day. Fear gets to exist in my mind, but I will not allow it to drive my decisions or put my health at risk.

4. I never need to burn off my food with exercise

My mind thinks that every time I eat, I need to work it off with exercise. And that thought keeps coming up for me, but I know it’s not true. Exercise is healthy as long as it’s not being used as a punishment or way to purge what I’ve eaten. Right now I need to take a break from exercising while I recover, but that doesn’t mean I need to eat less because I’m not exercising. I can’t wait until I’m exercising before I eat more food. That’s just not how bodies work. Exercise is not the price we pay for eating.

5. My body is perfectly capable of digesting food

A lot of times I feel as if I won’t be able to handle the food I eat. I worry that I’ll gain weight, that I’ll vomit, that I’ll feel nauseous, and that I’ve eaten the wrong thing or too much. All of these worries show up in my head, but that’s OK. I’m still going to eat with the knowledge that my body can digest so many things. Sure, if my doctor has diagnosed an allergy I won’t eat those things, but otherwise, I’m going to follow my dietitian’s and parents’ advice about what to eat and how much.

6. I can’t really trust my hunger and fullness cues right now, but I will if I keep eating

Right now my hunger and fullness cues are all over the place. With my eating disorder, I put my mind in charge of my body, and it’s kind of messed with my body’s natural signals. But that’s OK. I know that if I keep practicing and eating what my dietitian and parents tell me is good for me then I will slowly rebuild my brain-body connection. Over time, I’ll relearn how to listen to my body and will be able to eat intuitively, without fear, and according to my appetite.

7. My body does not need to be oppressed to be good enough

For whatever reason, I decided that my mind needs to take control of what my body needed. I’ve been treating my body’s signals like they’re naughty children who need to be dominated and controlled. But I don’t want to do that anymore. I’ve become a dictator, an oppressor! I want to treat my body with the respect and dignity it deserves. My body is strong and wants me to be healthy. My body doesn’t need to be a certain weight or shape to be good enough. It’s already good enough. Over time I will learn to listen to my body, but right now I’m going to stop oppressing it with food rules.

8. Counting calories may feel safe to me right now, but it’s not a healthy way to live

I’ve become a master of calorie counting. It happens automatically for me every time I eat or think about food. But this catalog of calorie counts is not making me healthier. It’s part of my eating disorder. Every time I start to count calories I’m going to ask my brain to stop doing that. I mean, I understand that my brain thinks counting calories will keep me safe, but I’m not buying it anymore.

9. Just because I don’t want to eat doesn’t mean I shouldn’t eat

Right now it makes sense that I don’t want to eat most of the time – I have an eating disorder! And eating has become a huge hassle and drama in my life. But I know that if I eat what and when I’m supposed to, I’ll recover from this eating disorder and won’t need to force myself anymore. So I’m going to keep remembering that even though I don’t want to eat most of the time, I’m going to do it anyway. My body really needs food, and I’m tired of my eating disorder hurting my health and controlling my life.

These affirmations should help your child gain confidence in eating disorder recovery. Recovery takes time, but repeating these affirmations supports the process of building new beliefs and thoughts. Feeding a child with an eating disorder is hard, but your approach can make all the difference.

See Our Parent’s Guide To Eating & Feeding A Child With An Eating Disorder

As a parent, you want the best for your child’s health and happiness, especially when it comes to food. But sometimes, even with the best intentions, certain habits or words can unintentionally create struggles around eating and body image. This guide will help you spot common pitfalls that might be quietly undermining your child’s relationship with food, so you can make small changes that foster a positive, healthy mindset instead.

Parents can accidentally hurt kids’ relationship with food

If you want to raise a child who is free from food issues, then it’s time to stop sabotaging their relationship with food. Eating disorders are on the rise, and disordered eating is so common that it’s considered normal. 

But true health is found when a person eats according to their preferences and appetite and knows that their body weight will settle into the range it wants to be. This range is often not the same as the range our society deems acceptable or desirable, which is why food and eating have become so fraught. 

Parents who want to raise healthy kids who are free from food issues and eating disorders have to work hard to counterbalance the cultural misinformation about food and eating, which is driven by the $72 billion diet industry. 

But the effort is well worth it. Kids who are raised with food freedom and body peace are healthier and happier. 

Here are nine ways you may accidentally be sabotaging your kids’ relationship with food:

1. Describe food as good or bad

Kids have a simplistic way of responding to parental guidance. When you set up a hierarchy of food, they assume that if they eat/crave good foods then they (as a person) are good. But if they eat/crave bad foods then they (as a person) are bad. This sets them up for a complicated and disordered relationship with food and poor self-worth.

Instead of doing this, make all food choices morally neutral.

2. Talk about other people’s food choices

When you talk about what other people eat as either good or bad, you’re telling your child what you believe is acceptable and unacceptable. They will automatically apply your opinions about other people’s eating behavior to themselves and believe they can show you their goodness (or badness) through food behaviors.

Instead of doing this, keep your eyes on your own plate and don’t talk about other people’s food choices.

3. Link eating to weight gain

It is completely false that weight is as simple as calories in/calories out. Many people who are smaller eat more calories than people who are larger. Bodies have vastly different metabolic processes, and bodies are naturally diverse in weight. When parents perpetuate the myth that weight is within a person’s control, they set a child up for restriction, which causes harm.

Instead of doing this, tell kids that all bodies are unique, and we should never make assumptions about people based on their weight.

4. Reward good behavior with dessert

Dessert should be available based on your preferences, your kids’ preferences, and lots of other factors. But it shouldn’t be given or restricted based on a child’s behavior. Children are not animals. We have much more complex neural structures, and simple food-based reward systems quickly go awry.

Instead of doing this, offer dessert as often as you feel makes sense, regardless of your kids’ behavior.

5. Punish bad behavior by canceling dessert

When parents use food as a punishment, kids suffer. Food should be given according to preference and appetite, not behavior. Withholding food for bad behavior can have long-lasting impacts on a child’s relationship with food.

Instead of doing this, talk to your child about any behavior you don’t like, but don’t link it to food in any way.

6. Praise kids for making “good choices”

Kids should choose food based on what tastes good, what they want in the moment, and what is available to them. When we moralize the food they choose, we set them up to see food as a reward or punishment, good or bad. Kids who are given a full range of choices will naturally cover their nutritional needs and settle into a healthy weight for their unique body.

Instead of doing this, talk about how food tastes and how much you enjoy sharing food with them.

7. Tell kids they need to limit sugar, carbs, or any other food type

When we restrict food, the most common outcome is binge eating that food. Kids who are not allowed to eat sugar will binge eat sugar. Same with carbs and other foods that are tasty and restricted. Parents who allow all foods notice that their kids rarely (if ever) binge eat because they trust they can always have more.

Instead of doing this, offer a wide variety of foods regularly.

8. Make kids eat their vegetables before they eat anything else

Making kids eat vegetables before they eat anything else is a form of parental control. While parents should be in charge of the options available to their kids, they should not dictate which foods go in their kids’ bodies or in which order they eat it. Dangerous power struggles are much more likely in families where food is controlled.

Instead of doing this, let your child choose the order in which they eat their food.

9. Tell kids their future health is based on what they eat

Telling kids that their health is directly tied to what they eat is factually wrong and harmful. The greatest impacts on mortality and health are genes and environment, neither of which is within a person’s control. Specific food choices have no direct connection to health, but a positive relationship with food is linked to better health.

Instead of doing this, provide your child with an emotionally connected home environment that will support their physical and mental health for life. 

The 1 way to raise a child who is free from food issues

The best way to raise a child who is free from food issues is to trust kids to feed themselves the right mix of food based on what you offer them and gain weight according to their unique body’s blueprint. 

Our culture wants to prescribe a one-size-fits-all meal plan and moralize about good and bad foods. But that ends up being controlling and unhelpful. Trust the body and the appetite to make the right choices for your child’s unique circumstances. 

Our culture also likes to prescribe a narrow weight range for every single body. This is despite the fact that we know that body diversity is natural and expected in any population. We see body diversity even when everyone eats the same things. 

Feeding kids who are free from eating disorders and food issues can be challenging in our culture. Trust your child’s body to grow according to its unique blueprint, and avoid any food restriction or moralization. 

See Our Parent’s Guide To Eating & Feeding A Child With An Eating Disorder

Mealtimes can quickly turn into battlegrounds when kids resist eating or push back on what’s offered. These power struggles over food leave everyone feeling frustrated and exhausted. But it doesn’t have to be this way. This guide will help you understand why these battles happen and share simple strategies to create calmer, more cooperative mealtimes—so food becomes a source of connection, not conflict.

Avoid power struggles over food

Many parents wonder how they can avoid power struggles over food. Feeding and eating have become very tense in our culture. Food is often restricted, moralized, and made “super,” making it very hard for parents to know what they should do.

The good news is that feeding doesn’t have to be complicated, but it does need to be important. What do I mean by that? I mean that you should prioritize feeding your children as an essential part of caring for them. But feeding should be about connection, not correction. And it should be about being together, not being perfect or eating perfectly (since there’s no such thing!).

Eating and feeding are intimate forms of communication between parent and child. When a child is rejecting food, avoiding eating with others, or eating alone, that can be troublesome and even dangerous. So it’s important for parents to “own” meals. To take responsibility for feeding their kids and prioritize connection and loving communication during meals.

When parents step into their authority by choosing the times and format of meals, they show that feeding and eating are an important part of their role as parents. Feeding our children thoughtfully and with respect is an important part of parenting and showing them our love and care.

Here’s how to avoid power struggles over food:

Note: for each point, I’ve added a brief description of how this works for one family that’s doing it.

1. Have family meals

Make meals an important part of daily life. Food is the first way we show our children we are attentive to them, and feeding serves as an important bonding experience for both parent and child. Don’t let this drop away as they grow up. Eating together should be a family priority, and should be taken very seriously.

What this looks like for Allison’s family: We have busy schedules but we always make time to eat dinner together. We avoid planning meetings, events, and calls from 6:30-7:30. Sometimes we have to eat earlier, sometimes later. But whatever our day brings, we prioritize getting together for dinner.

2. Serve food you know your child will like

Don’t be a short-order cook who makes individual meals for each person. But do make sure that there is always something you are sure each person will eat. Good options include bread and butter, tortillas, a bowl of fruit, baby carrots, etc.

What this looks like for Allison’s family: I’m a creative cook, and I enjoy trying new recipes. But I always make sure there is at least one dish for everyone on the table. For our family, everyone likes tortillas and cheese, so I’ll put that on the table in case the meal I’ve prepared isn’t appealing. I also keep a bowl of fruit on the table just in case.

3. Let everyone serve themselves

Family-style meals provide individual autonomy and choice. This allows each person to feel cared for, in community with the family, and responsible for their own choices. This can eliminate harmful food-based power struggles since everyone is in charge of themselves.

What this looks like for Allison’s family: We eat at the table and I serve everything family style. This way everyone feels as if they are in charge of their own plate, which seems to reduce tensions. Sometimes my kids actually ask me to put a plate together for them, which is fine. But our default is that they get to make their own choices.

4. Keep your eyes on your own plate

Don’t watch what your child is eating or make comments about their choices. Let them eat what they like and how much they like at each meal. Put them in charge of their own nutrition, and empower them to know their body best.

What this looks like for Allison’s family: I was raised in a family where every bite was monitored and I felt bad for either eating too much or not finishing what was on my plate. So that feels pretty natural to me. But I’ve found that since I stopped doing that with my own kids, they seem more relaxed, and I’ve noticed that there’s a lot less waste and grumbling as a result. And they’re even more adventurous, which really surprised me.

5. Keep the conversation light, bright, and polite

Don’t make the table the only place where parent-child conversations take place. Make space for difficult conversations about homework, tests, and other concerns away from the table. During meals, keep the conversation positive and strive to make each person feel seen, heard, understood, and loved. This is a time for connection, not correction.

What this looks like for Allison’s family: We used to spend most of our time at meals managing the household, making sure everything got done and setting up our schedule for the next day. Now we save that for after dinner, and instead, we focus on being together and laughing and sharing stories during dinner. It’s so much more pleasant and I notice the kids linger around the table now instead of rushing to get back to their phones. We end up spending a lot more time together, and it’s much more high-quality.

Feeding without drama

Remember that what parents repeatedly do matters more than what they say. Often parents think they need to instruct children about how to eat and what to eat. But it’s more important to show them that food is important. That our bodies deserve respect and kindness. And, most importantly, that food is something to be enjoyed and savored together.

How you feel about your child matters. If you worry about your child’s eating, they will sense it. This is particularly true if you believe they eat “too much” or only “unhealthy” food. Before you sit down to a meal together, find a space inside of yourself that trusts and believes in your child’s autonomy and ability to eat in a way that serves them. Yes, this requires a leap of faith, but no more so than the leap of faith it takes us to send them off to school or teach them to drive. Autonomy is essential to raising a self-sufficient, healthy person.

What you prioritize matters. When you prioritize feeding and eating as something to be honored and treated with respect, you set your child up for a healthy relationship with food for life.

Family meals are a great place to show your values to your kids. This is where you can show them that you value connection, community, and eating. It’s where you can show them you value respect, autonomy, and togetherness. The family meal offers amazing opportunities for parenting.

Meals should be a place where everyone feels safe and cared for. When that happens, you are more likely to avoid power struggles over food.

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This advice is based on interpersonal neurobiology and attachment theory. The particular feeding method outlined is called the Ellyn Satter Divison of Responsibility, an evidence-based approach to feeding that is shown to prevent eating issues, power struggles, and food battles. Feeding a child with an eating disorder is challenging, but you can do it!

See Our Parent’s Guide To Eating & Feeding A Child With An Eating Disorder

Food anxiety is one of the most challenging parts of an eating disorder, not just for your child but for you as a parent trying to help. Watching your child struggle with fear, worry, or avoidance around meals can feel heartbreaking and overwhelming.

You might wonder how to support them without making things worse or triggering more anxiety. This guide offers practical strategies to help you understand food anxiety, respond with empathy, and create a safer, more peaceful environment around eating, so your child can take steps toward healing with your steady support by their side.

Learning how to handle your child’s food anxiety before, during, and after mealtimes will help your child with disordered eating. You can make a huge difference if you learn how to help them work through food anxiety without using disordered eating behaviors.

Studies show that parents have a tremendous impact on kids’ anxiety. And the good news is that you can learn to reliably reduce your kids’ anxiety by acknowledging it and helping them face, rather than avoid fear.

Anxiety and eating disorders

Eating is so natural that it can be hard to understand how it becomes loaded with fear and anxiety.

One way to understand what’s going on it to recognize that anxiety is an involuntary biological response to perceived threats. In our natural environment, humans needed to be alert to life-threatening triggers like predators, enemies, and natural disasters. Today, humans have the same threat response system but it’s responding to psychological, vague threats as if they are imminently life-threatening. For example, anxiety disorders can show up around germs, driving, and leaving the house. And for some people, anxiety affects eating and the perception of food.

Some people develop a fear of food based on their idea of what is healthy and unhealthy. For example, your child might be afraid of eating carbs, sugar, or fat. They may be afraid that eating certain foods will cause weight gain, about which they are deeply anxious due to weight stigma. Other kids develop anxieties based on their sensory experience of eating, from the way food tastes, smells, looks, feels, and smells to the sensations in their stomach of nausea, emptiness or fullness.

In diet culture, our kids are exposed to many fear-based messages about food, eating and weight. For those who are genetically predisposed to developing an eating disorder, these messages drive tremendous anxiety contribute to disordered eating behaviors.

Patti and Ava

That’s what happened with Patti, who consulted with me about her daughter Ava’s eating disorder. “She is absolutely terrified of carbs and often won’t even sit at the table if they’re on it. She just goes into her room and slams the door,” said Patti. “If she does come to the table she just sits there, staring out the window and refusing to eat.”

This is a tough situation to be in. I suspected that Ava felt overwhelmed by her feelings of anxiety about food, and rather than ask Patti for help, she freezes or runs away.

With this in mind, we explored Patti’s feelings about Ava’s food anxiety. Patti told me that when Ava was young she was worried about everything. “I wanted to have compassion for her, but the truth is I couldn’t always handle her worries,” Patti said. “I thought the best thing to do is just ignore it and try to move on with our day, hoping for the best.”

Patti did what a lot of parents do. By avoiding Ava’s anxiety, she taught Ava to try to process her anxiety by herself, which is why she leaves the table when she feels anxious. Without support and guidance, Ava’s food anxiety continued to flourish.

I worked with Patti to help Ava to express her worries in small and big ways. This took effort and practice. Neither of them had experience talking about feelings like fear and anxiety. But pretty quickly, Ava started opening up. She started telling her mom she was afraid of food rather than just running away.

Sometimes she would yell, sometimes she would cry. No matter what, Patti worked on being present with Ava’s anxiety even when it was uncomfortable. Patti’s support allowed Ava to relax at the table and start exploring her food anxiety rather than avoiding it.

How to help your child handle food anxiety

So what’s a parent to do? How can we help a child handle food anxiety?

Our instinct is to try to prevent anxiety from ever happening, but this makes anxiety worse. The fact is that our kids must face situations that make them feel anxious. We can’t prevent that. And when we try, we take away the opportunity for them to build grit and resilience and tolerate feelings of anxiety and stress.

Prevention looks like this: If your child is afraid of fat, you may make low-fat meals. If they reject carbs, you prepare low-carb alternatives. If they’re afraid of restaurants, you stop eating out. These accommodations may seem to help in the short term. But they don’t teach your child to handle their feelings of anxiety and fear. Instead of empowering them to tolerate their fear, accommodations enable them to avoid it.

Avoiding fear feeds fear. The only way out of anxiety is to tolerate fear, over and over, and see that you can survive it. To feel afraid but realize you’re not being chased by a predator, enemy, or natural disaster. When a parent is next to you, holding your hand while you tolerate fear, this gets easier over time.

Your child needs to gradually learn to tolerate their fear of food to recover from an eating disorder. They need to see that they are strong enough to endure our anxiety and be OK on the other side. And you can help.

Prepare yourself first

The key to handling your child’s food anxiety is to be prepared. Expect fear to show up and be prepared to respond without accommodating or trying to prevent anxious feelings. Instead, you want to support your child in feeling their anxiety without using eating disorder behaviors.

Before you can help your child with their food anxiety, it’s important to calm your own nervous system. As mammals, our children seek us for co-regulation. That means that if our emotional state is relatively calm and confident, our children are more likely to be soothed.

You have to calm yourself to calm your child

This is hard. When a child has an eating disorder, all you want is for them to stop whatever they are doing with food and “be normal.” Also, anxiety tends to be annoying. It can be really irritating to be with someone who is afraid of food. But your emotional state is contagious, so managing your child’s anxiety starts with managing your own anxiety.

So how do you soothe yourself so you can soothe your child?

There are lots of options. As a baseline, get enough sleep and practice at least 10-minutes of mindful meditation every day. This will train you to tune into your body and soothe your nervous system.

If your anxiety is high during meals, take a few minutes to ground yourself before feeding your child. Emotions are contagious, so recovery begins with soothing yourself.

This preparation will make a significant impact on your ability to tolerate your child’s anxiety. If you dive in without preparing yourself emotionally, you may exacerbate the anxiety. This is an investment in your child’s recovery. It will also improve your own mental health. It can be draining to parent a child with food anxiety, and you need rest and recovery.

How to calm your child with food anxiety

Parents can reduce anxiety by anticipating it and responding to it effectively. Here’s how:

1. Before a meal beings

Check in meaningfully with your child. Make contact with them however you can, such as:

• Ask them about their day
• Do some yoga poses together
• Go for a gentle walk together
• Throw a ball back and forth
• Massage their hands, back, or shoulders
• Color together

This will help your child and you get in the co-regulation mode. Doing something physical together can help you attune to each other as much as talking does. Once you are co-regulated, it’s more likely that you can help them get on-track if their anxiety flares up.

2. During a meal

You should anticipate and be prepared for anxiety. But avoid allowing anxiety to run the show. It helps to tell your child in advance what you expect from them during meals.

For example, if they have a meal plan, you can expect them to follow it. And maybe you expect them to stay at the table while everyone else is eating.

They will likely complain about anything you ask them to do during meals. Your goal is to compassionately acknowledge their complaints without accommodating them. In other words, don’t let them ditch the meal plan or the table mid-meal. Agreements should be honored even if it’s uncomfortable for them.

3. When they have anxiety during a meal

Your child may do all sorts of things to try and control the meal to accommodate their anxiety. Your goal is to stay steady and acknowledge but not accommodate the anxiety. Here is a great phrase to use during a meal when your child is struggling to eat:

First, acknowledge the anxiety: “I can see that you’re struggling and I know this is hard.”

Next, express trust in them: “And I believe that you can handle this.”

It’s important not to get pulled into an extended conversation about this. Calmly and consistently repeat the phrase rather than engaging with the anxiety.

4. After a meal

If things didn’t go well during a meal, you may need to check in after the meal. You can ask your child what they think went wrong. Time this so that it’s well after the meal itself and well before the next meal.

Example: Breakfast breakdown

Here’s an example of a breakfast that’s gone sideways:

Jamie is pushing her plate away without eating.

Mom: “Hey, what’s up?”

Jamie: “I can’t. I feel sick. I can’t eat. You can’t make me!”

Mom: “I understand, and I know it’s hard to eat when you don’t want to, but I think you can handle it.”

Jamie: “But I can’t!”

Mom: “I can see that you’re upset, but I think you’ve got this.”

Jamie: “It’s not fair.”

Mom: “I understand, but I know you can handle this.”

Jamie begins to eat breakfast. She gags and complains. Mom is compassionate to her daughter’s struggle. She doesn’t remove the food or become upset. Jamie finishes breakfast reluctantly.

Later that afternoon, Mom revisits breakfast:

Mom: “So this morning you had trouble with breakfast. Do you want to talk about it?”

Jamie: “No.”

Mom: “OK, but what I saw is that you had trouble eating breakfast this morning. I sensed that you were feeling anxious and upset. Next time that happens, would you like me to change how I responded to your feelings, or was it OK?”

Jamie: “I guess I just wanted you to take away the plate so I didn’t have to eat anymore.”

Mom: “I totally understand that. You were having a hard time with the food and wanted me to take away your plate. I get it.”

Jamie: “Exactly.”

Mom: “Right. I want you to know that I understand. I know it seems easier for me to just take the plate away, and when I don’t it’s hard for you. Let’s keep talking about how you feel. I know this is hard, but we can handle this.”

Mom has acknowledged Jamie’s feelings without agreeing to change the food plan or try to avoid feelings of anxiety.

You can help your child with food anxiety

You can expect food anxiety to continue to show up during meals. This is not because your child is stubborn or not committed to being healthy. It’s because anxiety recovery takes time and patience, and food is a major anxiety trigger for your child.

If your child had anxiety about getting on a plane, you would know that going to the airport and getting on a plane will create anxiety for your child. With an eating disorder, every meal can create anxiety. The more you expect it to show up, the better you can prepare yourself for it. Remember that your goal is to handle, not accommodate, your child’s food anxiety.

And, most importantly, take care of yourself and get the care you deserve. Feeding a child with an eating disorder and anxiety is taxing. We can help our kids so much, but we have to make sure we’re getting help for ourselves, too.

See Our Parent’s Guide To Eating & Feeding A Child With An Eating Disorder

Many parents don’t realize just how harmful food shaming can be to a child’s relationship with food and their own body. Often, food shaming happens automatically, without intention or awareness, but its impact can be deeply damaging. No child should ever feel ashamed of what, how, or how much they eat.

Because shame is unequivocally unhealthy, parents who want to raise healthy, confident kids need to find ways to support without judgment. This parent guide will help you recognize food shaming, understand its effects, and learn compassionate strategies to stop it, so you can nurture a positive, peaceful relationship between your child and food.

Common food-shaming comments parents should avoid using are usually one of two main types:

• How much someone is eating (e.g. “too much”)
• What specifically someone is eating (e.g. “only sugar,” “all carbs,” “junk food”)

Examples of food shaming

I ran an informal survey on Instagram and asked people for examples of how their parents food-shamed them. The results were sad, but not surprising. Here are some examples of childhood food-shaming experiences:

• When I was 9, my mom gave me a teacup and a teacup saucer and told me all of my meals should either fit in the teacup or on the plate. I was nine years old.
• When I was your age I only ate salads.
• I think you’ve had enough brownies/cake /cookies/peanut butter/crackers.
• The problem with kids today is that they eat so much more than we did.
• Anytime I wanted to eat ANYTHING my dad would say “oh you don’t want that!”
• At your size, you really need to stop eating that kind of food.
• Really? You’re eating that much?
• Really? You’re getting more?
• You know where that goes.
• You weigh how much? And you’re eating THAT?
• I was deceitful for saying I planned on splitting my Panda Express and then mom threw the whole meal in the trash.
• When they shamed their own food choices and body shape. I learned to do the same.
• You can’t possibly be hungry.
• My mom used the Bible (Adam and Eve) to shame me when I was sneaking maraschino cherries from the fridge because I loved them so much.
• A moment on your lips, a lifetime on your hips.
• That’s a lot of food you have on your plate!
• Your prom dress would look better if you lost 10 lbs.
• I know you love to stuff your face.
• Your brother can order four-cheese pasta, but not you.
• I suggested we make brownies. They said I think about food “too much” and should see a therapist.

What parents should do instead of food shaming

Decades of nutrition science have taught us that parents should take responsibility for serving food at regular intervals, eating with kids as often as possible, and maintaining a positive emotional environment during mealtimes. Exactly what food you serve is far less important than the emotional environment in which you serve food.

Parents should put food on the table and invite kids to join them in eating. But kids should be responsible for what and how much they choose to put in their bodies unless they are being treated for a serious medical condition. And kids should never, ever feel ashamed for what or how much they choose to eat. It’s simply not healthy.

When we follow a non-diet approach to health, we can raise happy, healthy kids who are free from shame.

Shame is not healthy

Parents who food shame their kids often think they are trying to improve health, but shame itself is damaging to health. Shame can have a significant negative impact and is associated with eating disorders, substance abuse, and many behavioral addictions.

What is shame? Shame is often used as an umbrella term to indicate a variety of emotions ranging from embarrassment to searing mortification. It happens when an individual feels they are at risk of being excluded from a critical social group. It is especially dangerous in family groups, which are essential to a child’s health, safety, and well-being. Unlike guilt, which is feeling bad about an action, shame is feeling bad about who you are as a person.

Belonging to social groups, particularly a family group, is critical to human health. Therefore, feeling shame within one’s family group can be devastating. shame is associated with low self-esteem, hostility, and psychological distress. This is particularly true of body-based shame.

Also, shaming people for behaviors backfires. For example, being shamed for drinking increases problem behaviors for someone who has alcoholism. Many people who are shamed by their parents for what and how much they eat find themselves binge eating or eating uncontrollably in response.

How food shaming hurts kids

We can see this reflected in our survey. Respondents reported that parental food shaming encouraged them to develop problems with binge eating.

• I started to not want to eat in front of them, which led to my binge eating disorder. Internalized fatphobia, food labeling, and guilt around food in general was the norm. I don’t think I’ll ever have a healthy relationship with food thanks to their hypervigilance.
• I binge eat a lot. Alone, in the dark. Even now that I’m an adult with a supportive partner.
• I started bingeing in secret so they couldn’t shame me.
• Binge eater, secret eater, emotional eater.

For others, parental food shaming led to severe restriction and a full-blown eating disorder.

• I saw them food shaming my sisters so I decided to survive on rice and Diet Coke.
• Developed bulimia and binge eating disorder and struggled with it for 15 years.
• Being food-shamed led me to a long road of restriction instead of trusting my body.
• I struggled with an eating disorder for 8 years.
• I developed an eating disorder which eventually led to psychiatric hospitalization.
• Food shaming was a big reason for my eating disorders.

Most of all, respondents say that parental food shaming led to an unhealthy relationship with food.

• I’m now 31 and still associate food with shame, love, anxiety, and worthlessness.
• I still feel the need to tell people why I”m eating certain food when I’m eating.

What to do if you have food shamed your kids

If you recognize that you have been food-shaming your kids, then take a deep breath. It can be surprising to hear that something you did with the best intentions was harmful. And the good news is that you can make amends to your child. While you can’t erase what is already done, you can attempt to repair the damage.

The best way to get started and help your child be truly healthy is to learn about a non-diet approach to health, own up to your mistakes, and move forward confident that you are doing your very best.

Once you understand why food shaming is not healthy, explore how you can shift the way you talk about food in your household. As you shift your language about food, you can begin repairing your relationship with any children who have been exposed to food shaming. The key is to open a conversation without getting defensive or critical of your child. It’s hard to get vulnerable, but it can have a huge impact on your child.

Before you begin, here are a few ground rules for a conversation about food shaming:

• Understand that food shaming is not helpful and is in fact harmful
• Recognize that your child’s body is their own, and they get to decide what food they eat (not you)
• Learn about the harmful diet culture messages we’ve learned that say food is good or bad and that we must be thin to be healthy

An apology script if you’ve food shamed your child

Once you are ready, you can open a conversation with your child. Here’s an outline for how to approach this:

• Acknowledge that food shaming was a mistake on your part.
• Say that you are going to work on not food shaming in the future.
• Ask your child to tell you in the future if they believe you are food shaming.
• Do not get defensive when your child responds. You made a mistake, and you must own that mistake. Don’t defend yourself. Just say you will try to do better.
• Don’t get into a debate about nutritional content, caloric values, weight, diet, etc.
• Conduct more research and, if necessary, consult with a non-diet dietician so that you can learn about how to prevent eating disorders by learning about weight and diets.

Why do parents use food shaming?

Food-shaming comments typically stem from diet culture, which generally promotes the idea that people who eat certain ways are either “good” or “bad.” These beliefs have been intentionally created by the diet industry, which has a basic template for marketing its diet programs.

These marketing messages have been promoted by the diet industry to great success. And we tend to believe them, even though they simply are not true. Weight loss is not effective or healthy. But the weight loss industry has thrived nonetheless and created a culture of parents that instinctually use food shaming without realizing the harm it causes.

The intention of food shaming is typically to help the child. But the impact of food shaming is to humiliate the child and make them feel ashamed of their appetite and desires. Simply put: there’s nothing healthy about food shaming.

Feeding a child with an eating disorder is tough. Learning to stop vilifying food and shaming people for eating what they enjoy takes time. Just keep trying! Showing up is half the battle.

Eating disorders and parental food shaming

Many people who have/had eating disorders recall being food-shamed by their parents. These people had parents who truly wanted to help their kids. But we live in a society that, egged on by the powerful diet and food industries, tells us that food is either “good” or “bad.” This message is everywhere, and it’s incorrect.

There is significant research demonstrating that Intuitive Eating, a method of eating without following “food rules” but rather focusing on hunger and appetite cues, is the healthiest approach for the body and mind. An intuitive approach to eating with zero weight goals or expected weight outcomes is protective against eating disorders, the second most deadly mental disorder.

That is why we implore parents to never food shame their kids. That means:

• Don’t label food good or bad
• Don’t make moral judgments about food
• Pay attention to your child’s hunger, not caloric counts or other external measures 
• Be aware that food is more than fuel – it is also comfort (and that’s OK)
• Don’t recommend against eating for fear of weight gain
• Don’t assume your child needs to eat less or weigh less 

See Our Parent’s Guide To Eating & Feeding A Child With An Eating Disorder

New research is shining a hopeful light on Intuitive Eating as a helpful approach for eating disorders. A 2020 study found that teens who practice Intuitive Eating tend to have better mental health and healthier eating habits as adults. Yet, most kids today are not being raised with these principles. Instead, our culture largely embraces non-intuitive eating, favoring restrictive diets that ignore the natural signals of the body. Understanding and encouraging Intuitive Eating could be a game-changer for supporting our children’s long-term well-being and eating disorder recovery.

Study finds Intuitive Eating beneficial for health

Researchers with the University of Minnesota School of Public Health studied people who ate intuitively as teenagers. They found that teens who scored higher on an Intuitive Eating scale were less likely to experience depression and disordered eating as adults. Specifically, the study found that teens who used Intuitive Eating had:

• Fewer depressive symptoms
• Higher self-esteem
• Lower body dissatisfaction
• Fewer unhealthy weight control behaviors (e.g. fasting, skipping meals)
• Lower rates of extreme weight control behaviors (e.g. eating disorder behaviors)
• Less chance of binge eating (71%)

The data applied both to teens who scored higher in Intuitive Eating at the beginning of the study and those who became more intuitive over the course of the study.

The authors concluded that Intuitive Eating in adolescence predicts better psychological and behavioral health across a range of outcomes. They also suggest that Intuitive Eating may be a positive intervention for people who are at risk of or have eating disorders. This is based on the findings that teens who used Intuitive Eating were 74% less likely to develop Binge Eating Disorder.

Treating eating disorders

This is the latest in numerous scientific articles that have found value in using the principles of Intuitive Eating. The approach appears to help treat eating disorders. This is important, because eating disorders and disordered eating are both on the rise. And both can have lifelong mental and physical health impacts.

NOTE: Intuitive eating is considered helpful in the latter stages of eating disorder recovery. But it may not be appropriate for your child in early recovery, especially if weight restoration is necessary. Please check with your child’s RD for insight on how to integrate intuitive eating.

Intuitive Eating is most likely effective because it counter-balances diet culture messages. These messages say that we can and should control our body weight. Diet culture has grown on the wings of the diet industry. The diet industry exploded from $10 billion in annual revenue in 1985 to almost $70 billion in 2012.

In that time, human body weights have not gone down, but eating disorders and disordered eating have increased. Sadly, diet company profit goals play a huge role in our lives. This is despite zero evidence that their programs are effective, safe, or improve health outcomes.

Intuitive Eating may help parents treat eating disorders because it actively works against the diet culture promoted by the diet industry. It specifically teaches people to recognize and reject diet culture. Diet culture marketing says we can lose weight fast and keep it off for life. But Intuitive Eating teaches us to listen to and trust our own bodies.

What is Intuitive Eating?

Intuitive Eating was introduced by Evelyn Tribole, MS, RDN, CEDRD-S, and Elyse Resch, MS, RDN, CEDRD-S in 1995. Their bestselling book, Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Anti-Diet Approach is now in its fourth edition. Intuitive Eating is defined as rejecting restrictive diet patterns and instead eating according to feelings of hunger and fullness.

The authors define Intuitive Eating as following these 10 principles:

10 principles of Intuitive Eating

1. Reject the diet mentality: stop using diet books, influencers and blog posts that offer you false hope. No matter what they say, there’s no evidence that you can lose weight quickly, easily, and permanently.
2. Honor your hunger: hunger is a biological instinct, just like blinking, using the bathroom or feeling thirsty. We accept almost all biological instincts except hunger. When you honor your biological hunger drive, you can rebuild trust in yourself around food.
3. Make peace with food: end foodphobia forever. Stop fearing fat, carbs, sugar, and any other foods. The fear of food keeps you locked in a battle with eating, which is both natural and necessary.
4. Challenge the food police: parents, doctors, teachers, coaches, the media, influencers, and peers have all influenced us. They have built an inner dialogue of what we think of as “good” and “bad” food. Stop listening to the voices in your head and instead listen to your body’s natural drive for food.
5. Discover the satisfaction factor: it’s become easy to forget that food and eating are supposed to be pleasurable. Instead of being afraid of eating, rediscover the satisfaction you get from food.
6. Feel your fullness: Give yourself unconditional permission to eat. Now you can tune into your natural fullness, which often has been masked by rules and requirements of diet culture.
7. Cope with your emotions with kindness: food can be a comfort. But food shouldn’t be the only way you respond to uncomfortable emotions. Learn to be mindful and comfort yourself through uncomfortable emotions.
8. Respect your body: understand that your body has a blueprint. This is genetically based on the same factors as your shoe size. It’s also influenced by past efforts to intentionally lose weight. Trust that your body will find the weight that it wants to be (not that you want it to be).
9. Movement – feel the difference: diet culture pushes an aggressive fitness regimen that can leave us feeling depleted and depressed. Focus on enjoying exercise and movement and honoring rest when you need it.
10. Honor your health – gentle nutrition: remember that your health is not dependent on any single meal or day. You can trust that your body will naturally seek good nutrition if you are following these principles.

What it’s not

The rise of Intuitive Eating and the many studies showing the health impacts of Intuitive Eating have led to many people claiming their diet is Intuitive Eating even when it clearly is not. Here are some common ways that Intuitive Eating is being used to sell and promote dieting:

Claim: Intuitive Eating will help you lose weight

Truth: weight loss is never the goal of Intuitive Eating. Anything or anyone that promotes Intuitive Eating as a weight loss method is definitively not actually using Intuitive Eating.

Claim: Intuitive Eating just means eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full and you won’t gain weight

Truth: Intuitive Eating is more complex than this. And there is never a goal of controlling weight or avoiding weight gain. That’s diet mentality and therefore not Intuitive Eating.

Claim: Intuitive Eating means you never eat when you aren’t hungry

Truth: many times you will need to feed yourself mindfully before you get hungry to accommodate your schedule. This doesn’t go against Intuitive Eating framework, but is commonly incorrectly presented as the reason why Intuitive Eating is not a realistic lifestyle.

Claim: Intuitive Eating is about eating whatever you want, so it’s not healthy

Truth: Intuitive Eating has been shown to result in better health across many dimensions because it removes food rules and lets the body drive eating patterns. Contrary to popular belief (i.e. diet culture), a body will naturally select a wide range of foods to fit its nutritional needs.

There are many false claims about Intuitive Eating. The best thing is to read the book or find a trained dietitian to make sure you get the correct approach rather than one of the many false approaches.

Diet culture is bad for health

Diet culture has worked hard to convince us that we can’t trust our bodies. Every diet message preaches that our bodies need to be controlled, and our urges for food, rest, and pleasure, need to be eliminated. This is the opposite of Intuitive Eating, and it may be why it can help prevent eating disorders.

Diets restrict food and pleasure, and they all promise that it’s easy and fun to take weight off and keep it off for life. But the data consistently shows that lasting intentional weight loss is virtually impossible for 90-95% of people.

Today’s diets intentionally avoid focusing on how the body looks, saying instead that the main goal of dieting is increased health. But the data don’t support the idea that diets are good for our health. In fact, diets are proven to increase cortisol and decrease metabolism. They have not demonstrated any health improvements. Finally, the most common outcome of intentional weight loss is weight cycling, which is recognized as bad for our health.

In other words, there is no evidence that diets are effective at anything other than reducing our health.

How parents can teach their kids healthy eating

Parents who want healthy kids now have even more evidence that Intuitive Eating is a solid approach to food and eating. Rather than try to control our bodies and force a particular diet, we should follow our intuition and trust our bodies.

Parents can help their kids learn Intuitive Eating by:

1. Stop dieting
2. Don’t allow kids to diet
3. Learn Intuitive Eating for yourself
4. Talk about the Intuitive Eating principles as a family
5. Recognize diet culture and talk about its impact as a family
6. Encourage your child(ren) to listen to their bodies, honor their hunger and fullness, and avoid food restrictions not based on allergies or serious medical conditions (“obesity” doesn’t count)
7. Learn emotional literacy and work with your child(ren) to talk about feelings freely
8. Move together in ways that feel good and make you all happy

Parenting a child with an eating disorder is challenging, but parents can make a huge impact on kids’ lifelong health. When we teach our kids Intuitive Eating, we can help prevent eating disorders and other mental health conditions.

See Our Guide To Parenting A Child With An Eating Disorder

It’s completely natural for parents to worry when they see their child eating a lot at times. But one of the most important things to understand is that, for the vast majority of kids, there really isn’t such a thing as “overeating.” Except in very rare medical cases, children eat to meet genuine physical or emotional needs. Eating is a normal, healthy way we take care of ourselves, both body and mind, and it’s best not to pathologize a child’s desire to eat.

Instead of reacting with fear or judgment, try to gently explore what might be driving your child’s hunger. Are they physically hungry? Then offering food is the loving, appropriate response. Are they tired, anxious, or stressed? Sometimes a snack, along with rest or comfort, is exactly what they need. Or maybe your child feels lonely or upset—sometimes what looks like hunger is actually a need for emotional connection, a hug, or your focused attention alongside nourishment. Food often becomes a stand-in for all kinds of needs.

The best approach is to feed your child’s hunger without criticism, while also being curious about whether there’s another kind of hunger beneath the surface. It’s also important to pause and ask yourself: how do I really know my child is “overeating”? What does “normal” eating look like?

Our cultural ideas about food and weight can be complicated and confusing, so it’s worth reflecting on how much your own experiences and beliefs might influence what you see. Think of hunger the way you think of other basic needs like needing to breathe, blink, or use the bathroom, something natural that deserves respect and care. While hunger can be complicated in our society, honoring it calmly and without judgment is a powerful first step toward helping your child develop a healthy relationship with food.

In this parent guide, we’ll share three simple but powerful questions you can ask when you’re concerned your child is overeating. These questions will help you tune into their real needs and respond with kindness and clarity.

1. Is my child hungry?

You may think you know how much food your child needs. But your child’s nutritional needs may vary widely from day to day. They may also be different from your own. You may think your child overeats when they are in fact feeding their body appropriately.

If you are someone who controls your own food intake in order to control your weight, you are likely under-eating based on your biological needs. This means you are familiar with a constant hunger and believe that is normal and healthy.

You should know that under-eating is no better than overeating. They both signal a lack of connection with the body’s hunger and fullness cues.

The best relationships with food and body are those in which the person trusts their body and recognizes hunger and fullness cues. This allows them to know when they are physically hungry and also when they have had enough. The sooner you help your child recognize and honor their hunger and fullness cues, the better off they will be.

Teach Intuitive Eating

Teach your child Intuitive Eating. This is a process that honors the body’s ability to eat (and stop eating) based on biological needs. To accomplish true Intuitive Eating, you must accept that your child’s body may not be the size that you wish it would be. It will be the size that it wants to be. Bodies come in a broad range of sizes. When we try to control a body’s weight by restricting food, we set it up for binge eating and poor health.

You can’t turn off a person’s hunger cues without also turning off their fullness cues. This means that if you teach your child to eat less than their appetite, they will learn to ignore hunger cues. At the same time, they will lose their ability to recognize that they have had enough. This is the endless cycle of under-eating and overeating that many people find themselves trapped in. The alternative is that your child learns to ignore hunger cues so completely that they develop anorexia. Neither is a good outcome for your child.

It may take some time to relearn hunger and satiety cues. There’s really no rush. Just trust your child’s body and believe that with your guidance, they will make healthy choices for their unique body.

2. Is my child tired?

Expand your thinking about “hunger” to encompass all feelings of physical and emotional need. Hunger is our very first drive after birth, and it is what supports the survival of our species. There is nothing wrong with hunger – it is healthy and adaptive. Parents should teach their child to notice and listen to physical needs like being tired or needing physical affection. Without this, the child may assume all hunger is food-based.

This doesn’t mean that when your child says they are hungry you tell them to go take a nap. Instead, get curious about what your child’s hunger is telling you. Pay attention to when they say they are hungry and the types of food they are hungering for.

Think about whether they are getting enough sleep or if there are physical disruptions causing stress in their life. Perhaps you have a new infant, an out of town visitor, or the beginning of a new job or school year. All of these can disrupt your child’s sense of physical safety. The solution is not to never have changes. Instead, pay attention to your child and recognize that sometimes food hunger is a mask for a physical sleep or safety need.

Talk about hunger

If you suspect your child may be reacting to a physical sleep or safety need with food hunger, begin by honoring the hunger with a snack. This shows your child that you take their hunger seriously. Once you have given the snack, ask your child how they are feeling in their body. Ask if they are tired, tense, or achy. Try protecting sleep times in your house so that your child gets plenty of rest and relaxation.

Remember that it’s very difficult for a child to separate exactly what they hunger for. It’s often up to the parent to pay attention to the physical conditions and respond accordingly. Feeling hungry varies greatly from body to body. Some people feel it in their gut. Some feel a rumbling. Others feel an emptiness or a tingling. Others feel it in their throats or elsewhere in their bodies.

Help your child tune into their body to identify where the hunger is, and what type of hunger it is (food, physical, or emotional).

Next, talk to your child about their physical sleep and safety needs. Make sure you are feeding their hunger for rest, relaxation, and physical safety. Be aware of physical disruptions and how they can lead to a hunger that needs attention. And always be willing to serve a snack with a side dish of attention and thoughtful conversation about what’s going on in your child’s life.

Over time, your child will learn to distinguish food hunger from other physical and emotional hungers. A child who you think overeats may not be getting their needs met. With your help, they can recognize the difference and nourish themselves with what they need to thrive.

3. Is my child lonely?

Most people it very difficult to separate their body from their mind. This means that often when they hunger for an emotional need, such as attention, affection, and affirmation, they assume it is food hunger. This can become a cycle. If the child doesn’t get their emotional hungers met, they may find that food becomes their greatest comfort.

As a parent, you want to be your child’s comfort. Caloric nourishment is the first form of comfort we give our child. Food can help us connect with them emotionally throughout their lives. Emotional eating has gotten a bad rap, but it’s quite normal for healthy people to sometimes combine emotional care with a snack, a cup of hot chocolate, or a bowl of soup.

Most of our children need more attention, affection, and emotional first aid than we think they do. A child who doesn’t get their emotional needs met will likely learn to repress their emotional needs and turn to coping mechanisms to feel better. In a worst-case scenario, a child may turn to coping behaviors like self-harm, substance abuse, shoplifting, or eating disorders to soothe their emotional disruptions.

This is why it’s so important for parents who worry that a child overeats to pay attention to emotional caregiving. Don’t deny food if your child says they are hungry, but serve it with a side of conversation, compassion, and attention.

Give more love

Give your child more love along with food. Talk to them about how they can get their emotional needs met. For example, do they want to go for a walk with you? Snuggle on the couch? Do they want you to make them a cup of tea in a special mug? Serve them the mac and cheese you made them when they were little? Our kids grow up fast, but they often need us to treat them like children when they’re emotionally vulnerable.

Over time, you can help your child get their emotional needs met without food. But remember that food and eating are not typically a problem for a child who is getting their physical and emotional needs met.

Feeding your child

Sometimes food hunger can be better understood with more structure. A child who you think overeats may benefit from structured meal times and family time. A structured food plan can help the whole family better understand hunger cues and eat in a way that is healthy for both their body and their mind. Feeding your child doesn’t have to be complicated, but it is important.

See Our Parent’s Guide To Eating & Feeding A Child With An Eating Disorder

by Alexandra Raymond, RDN

As a parent, you want your child to grow up happy. You want him or her to make (overall) smart decisions and be successful. You probably also want your child to grow up “healthy.”

The pressure to raise healthy kids

There is no denying that health and wellness are at the forefront of our minds. We are constantly bombarded by health and wellness information and trends. Celebrities are talking about it. Friends and family are talking about it. Doctors are talking about it.

We’re encouraged to eat certain foods and stay away from others. We’re told that certain foods “speed up metabolism,” while others “slow it down.” We have detoxes and juice cleanses pushed on us. And it seems if you don’t try to follow some of these food trends, you’re doing something wrong. Food and diet culture is huge! After all, the diet industry is worth almost $70 billion.

Because of the pressure society puts on us to be “healthy,” many parents worry about their child’s eating habits. Whether he/she is eating too much of one food and not enough of another. Parents worry their child is gaining “too much” weight. Or even worry their child might be “addicted” to food. And who could blame these parents. They are constantly made to feel they aren’t “good enough” as a parent if they aren’t making sure their kids are eating perfectly.

Impossible food standards

I’ve found that many parents become hyper-aware about what their child is eating. Especially if they feel like their child is eating “too much” and their child lives in a larger body. Hyper-awareness surrounding foods may include:

• making comments about good foods and bad foods,
• commenting on the amount of food a child is eating,
• comments on weight, and
• asking a child to eat certain foods before other foods (veggies before dessert), etc.

I completely understand why a parent may do this because of the ridiculous amount of pressure they feel to raise “healthy” families. But, unfortunately, this often backfires. I’ve found this hyper-awareness surrounding food causes children to become more obsessed with their bodies, begin dieting at an earlier age, and possibly sneak/hide food from their parents, especially those foods they consider to be “junk foods.” (PS: I personally don’t use the words “junk foods” with my clients because I believe all foods should be placed on the same playing field. “Good” food / “bad” food language is often harmful for people of all ages).

Overeating and addiction

In my office, I often hear parents’ concerns about children “overeating” or being “addicted” to certain foods. In these situations, as hard as it might be, I ask parents to do their best in avoiding comments and to continue to allow their child to self-regulate.

It’s important we don’t think of any foods as “bad” or “addictive” but instead recognize food as a substance like oxygen and water. You most likely don’t worry about your child overconsuming either of those, and food is equally natural and necessary.

First, children are the most intuitive eaters out there. More often than not, your child is actually not “overeating,” but is fueling his/her body with the nutrients he/she needs. We need to be careful and avoid pathologizing certain eating patterns, to avoid the possibility of a child internalizing that guilt and shame.

Second, food is not an addictive substance and we have research that shows this. People may feel addicted to certain foods if they have been deprived of eating them. For example, you tell yourself you’re not going to have sweets. Maybe you don’t eat sweets for a few days or even weeks or months. But, eventually, you’ll be presented with the opportunity to eat sweets again. The moment you eat sweets, it’s totally possible you may feel like you can’t stop.

But this isn’t because you’re “addicted” to sugar. It’s because you have been physically and emotionally deprived from sugar. This same thing happens with kids. It’s important we allow kids to have a wide variety of foods.

How to feed a child

You may be thinking, but what if my child needs to eat healthier? Or what if I feel like my child is eating too much? How can I promote balanced and nutritious eating without triggering negative body image or food thoughts?

Here are my tips:

1. Feed their appetite: Appetites vary for many different reasons for different people and in different stages of life. Sometimes children will feel more hungry and eat more food than “normal” for no apparent reason. On the flip side, sometimes children won’t feel hungry at all and will eat way less than “normal.” It’s important to let your child eat how much or how little they want according to their individual hunger cues, not an arbitrary perception of what they “should” eat. This will help them to stay more in tune with their hunger and fullness signals and support long-term health.

*There is one caveat. If you notice your child is eating significantly less and cutting out foods they previously used to love, this definitely is a concern. Please talk to a health care provider about this.

2. Have a wide variety of foods available: I recommend having a wide variety of foods in your kitchen for your child to eat. You can present these different foods during snack time. For example, you may want to consider putting out some food for when your child gets home from school. The key here is allowing your child to choose what he/she is in the mood for. So whether they choose animal crackers, chips with guacamole, or carrots with hummus, it’s their choice.

3. Monitor emotional changes: If you notice a change in your child’s eating or weight, I recommend you consider whether you notice a change in their emotions. Is your child more withdrawn than usual? Is he/she stressing about things they may not normally stress about? Are they hanging out with friends less? Are they exhibiting increased anxiety around food? Sometimes a change in eating and weight is a sign that something else is happening. I recommend avoiding commenting on food/weight and instead ask them about feelings. If your child is happy and acting as they always do, then weight gain is typically not a concern.

4. Talk less, model more: Children learn how to eat from the adults in their lives. They also learn how to either appreciate or criticize their bodies. Do your best to eat a wide variety of foods along with your child. This includes meat, fish, veggies, fruit, dessert, fried foods, grains, and dairy products. Also, please be mindful about the negative comments made about your body or someone else’s. Negative body comments are easily internalized by children. It’s important to model body appreciation and respect. You can do this by talking about how much your body does for you and by being compassionate toward the physical aspects you may not like about your body.

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Alex is a Registered Dietitian at the private practice Courage to Nourish in Howard County and College Park, Maryland. Alex’s goal is to assist her clients in discovering a life-long healthy relationship with food and their bodies. Alex is a proud and passionate anti-diet and Health At Every Size © advocate. Outside of counseling clients, Alex enjoys cooking (especially Italian foods), journaling, hiking and exploring Washington, DC. Website

See Our Parent’s Guide To Eating & Feeding A Child With An Eating Disorder

In our culture, it’s common to label foods as “good” or “bad,” creating a moral framework around eating that can unintentionally contribute to disordered eating behaviors. When food is tied to notions of virtue or failure, it can lead to guilt, shame, and anxiety, key triggers for eating disorders.

This rigid way of thinking about food fosters unhealthy relationships, especially in children and teens who are still developing their sense of self and body image. In this article, we’ll explore why moralizing food is harmful, how it fuels eating disorders, and practical strategies parents and caregivers can use to promote a balanced, compassionate approach to eating.

Not a moral issue

When we label foods as “good” or “bad,” we naturally label the people who eat them as “good” or “bad.”

But food is not how we should define a human being. It’s discriminatory to judge a person’s value based on what they eat. And it often fails to take into account issues like:

• Income: not everyone has the money to invest in purchasing and preparing foods that are considered “healthy.”
• Access: not everyone has access to farmer’s markets, organic produce, and other foods that are considered “healthy.”
• Sexism: eating a “healthy” diet is considered necessary for a woman to signal her femininity. Meanwhile men are discouraged from appearing too feminine by eating foods like salads.
• Racism: the foods that we have been told are “healthy” tend to be foods associated primarily with white people.

Images promoting food morality are everywhere. We frequently see primarily white, thin, attractive people eating fruits, vegetables and other foods that are considered virtuous. Conversely, the people who are shown eating high-fat, fast-food are typically of color and size.

The lies diet culture tells us

Diet culture asserts that if we eat only “good” foods, we will be happier and more successful. It tells us that our food choices are either “good” or “bad.” Under this restrictive ideology we are constantly at risk of failure.

Diet culture says that health is equal to weight. And that the way to achieve low weight is to eat less, and to only eat “good” food. But weight is largely genetic and environmental. In other words, it is largely out of our control. Additionally, no single food choice will make or break our health. In fact, balanced nutrition is a “nice-to-have,” not an essential element of health.

Essential elements of health:

• Physical safety: having shelter, warmth, and meeting basic food needs
• Emotional safety: feeling loved, belonging to a community, having social support
• Environmental safety: not being at risk of flood, fire, violence, and other environmental traumas
• Body respect: not being at risk of being marginalized for factors that are out of your control. These include skin color, weight, height, sex, gender, religion, physical or mental ability, sexuality, etc.

These are all complex societal factors that affect health. But we are told that our health rests entirely on our own shoulders. We are told that being healthy means being thin (it’s not). And that getting thin is possible for every body (it’s not). We internalize these beliefs and turn them into our moral compass.

Social eating

Food is frequently presented as a moral choice. And yet most social events are based on eating foods that have been labeled “bad.

Isn’t it interesting that we meet for coffee, breakfast, lunch, brunch, a drink, dinner, pizza, tacos, takeout, etc. And yet according to diet culture these activities are “bad.”

This presents a conundrum. When we are alone, we must be virtuous in our food choices. But when we are in a group, we should enjoy the foods that we have been told to restrict.

To deal with this complication, we typically discuss our diets during these social gatherings. We’ll talk about how we’re “being bad,” or will “make up for it” later with exercise or not eating. We try to perform goodness by not eating “too much” or choosing something “guilt-free” from the menu. Socialized food morality is pervasive and often goes unnoticed.

The morality of food

We are living in a time of dangerous morality surrounding food. We are surrounded by images and headlines defining what is good and what is bad. People who have eating disorders internalize food as the pathway to being “good.” They determine that in order to be a “good person,” they must eat the right food. And not eat the wrong food. By focusing our energy on improving our diets, we believe we are improving our selves.

But food is not a moral issue. It’s just food.

This is the core of orthorexia, an eating disorder based on the desire to eat only “good” foods. People who have orthorexia will refuse to eat food that does not fit a rigid definition of “healthy.” They’ll eat only “good” food even if it means they skip social events or make others uncomfortable.

People who have eating disorders find statements regarding the moral integrity of foods very triggering. Most have some degree of perfectionism. Their eating disorder behaviors typically begin with a well-researched diet or eating plan. They want to stay on the “good” side of morality. Dieting can transform all to easily into an eating disorder. Eating disorders can be very hard to overcome. This is why not making food a moral issue is so important.

When we have an eating disorder, we devote our growth, our passion, and our moral compass to ensuring we meet the dietary morality. This comes at the expense of devoting ourselves to emotional growth and development. As long as we focus on food, we stall our emotional maturation and development. We sacrifice the development of our selves for the morality of the food we put in our bodies.

Life without food morality

Let’s stop talking about the food people put in their bodies. We can focus instead on what they do with their souls. Instead of food morality, let’s focus on the truly important moral issues, including:

• How we treat ourselves – how do we soothe ourselves and develop ourselves?
• Our treatment of the people we love – how do we show them we love them every day?
• How we learn – do we have processes in place for learning new skills in personal and professional development? Are we focusing on our emotional growth and development?
• How we treat other people – do we accept them for who they are? Do we support them in their own personal development outside of food and body goals?
• Our treatment of people who have marginalized identities such as people who:
  • Are not white and/or have a different skin color than our own
  • Are in lower socio-economic classes
  • Have a larger body size/high weight
  • Are mentally or physically disabled
  • Not cis-gender: e.g. non-binary, transgender
  • Are female
  • Are not heterosexual
  • Have different political ideologies

How we treat other people, particularly those people who are in marginalized identities, is a moral issue. But food is not a moral issue. Let’s free ourselves of diet culture’s food morality and build our true morality. This is especially true when you are eating or feeding someone with an eating disorder.

See Our Parent’s Guide To Eating & Feeding A Child With An Eating Disorder