Category: Parenting A Child With An Eating Disorder

Often you need to make various types of doctor’s appointments during eating disorder recovery. Sometimes they are related to the eating disorder, sometimes not. Either way, doctor’s appointments can be very stressful when you have an eating disorder. So how do you handle it if you need to take your child who has an eating disorder to the doctor?

While doctors are driven to care for their patients, many are unfamiliar with the complexities of eating disorders. I don’t believe doctors mean harm to their patients. However, I do know doctors can accidentally cause harm by saying and doing things that encourage the eating disorder.

How doctors can go wrong with eating disorders

Here are some things that may accidentally happen during doctor’s appointments that can exacerbate an eating disorder: 

1. Automatic weigh-ins

Most doctor’s offices do an automatic weigh-in. However, this can be triggering for a person who is in eating disorder treatment and recovery. Seeing, hearing, or otherwise encountering weight gain can spark a desire to lose weight. Also, finding out about weight loss may provide a “rush” of success and entrench eating disorder behaviors even deeper. It’s common practice to avoid sharing weight information with a person who has an active eating disorder and/or is in recovery. Many people who have fully recovered from their eating disorder continue to avoid automatic weigh-ins due to their triggering nature. In a surprising number of cases, weight is not required to provide healthcare.

2. Talk about weight

Unless your child’s doctor is trained in eating disorders, they may accidentally make unhelpful comments about your child’s weight. In some cases, they may be dismissive of weight. Doctors may suggest that a child who is in weight recovery is “fine” and doesn’t need to gain more weight. Or they may become concerned if the weight recovery goal is higher than they think it should be. There are a lot of landmines when it comes to talking about weight with a person who has an eating disorder. Eating disorder recovery specialists are trained to handle the nuance of talking about weight, but most other people, including doctors, will, unfortunately, make mistakes.

3. Talking about food as good/bad or suggesting more/less

Doctors often try to make helpful suggestions about eating. They may discuss food in terms of “healthy” and “unhealthy” choices. They may also ask about how many servings of dairy, vegetables, or other nutrients your child is consuming. While understandable, this sort of talk can be very triggering for a person in eating disorder recovery. Similarly, casual comments about eating more or less can be upsetting for a person in eating disorder recovery. Remember that while doctors are very knowledgeable about bodies and physiology, they have limited training in eating disorders and mental health. They really want their patients to be healthy. But the impact of uninformed food and diet talk can be disruptive to the process of eating disorder recovery.

4. Dismiss your concerns

Some parents bring their children to a doctor to help them diagnose and validate concerns about an eating disorder. But this can, unfortunately, backfire. Few doctors are qualified or comfortable enough to make a non-weight-based diagnosis. In other words, unless your child is at a level of medical underweight that they require hospitalization, a doctor may not recognize their eating disorder symptoms as serious. Except in specific cases, your child’s doctor may not be the best person to diagnose your child. But they can often participate in treatment in other ways. It’s just important to know what to expect. You want to avoid being in a situation in which your child’s doctor dismisses your belief that they have an eating disorder in front of your child. 

How to prepare for a doctor’s appointment with an eating disorder

First, unless your doctor is specifically trained in eating disorders, you should expect to do some level of appointment preparation and management. While doctors want to care for their patients, they receive very little training about eating disorders and mental health in medical school. 

Any mistakes they make are most likely coming from the best intentions. But the outcome of any mistakes can nonetheless be serious. 

Here’s how to prepare for a doctors appointment if your child has an eating disorder:

1. Set realistic expectations

Recognize that without special training, your child’s doctor is not an expert in the treatment of eating disorders. This means that while you can of course consult the doctor for your child’s health, they may not be the best person to make a diagnosis and support you through recovery. Unless you are seeing a specialist, the best people to guide your child’s treatment will likely be a team of a psychologist and a dietitian, with possibly a psychiatrist and a parent coach. This team may ask you to get your doctor involved in checkups, but it’s unlikely that they will expect your doctor to provide guidance and care when it comes to actually treating and managing the eating disorder. 

2. Know what you’re asking for

It’s best if you’re clear about your intention for the visit. Are you looking for a general checkup? Or maybe you’re going in for something unrelated to the eating disorder like a sprained ankle or sore throat. On the other hand, you may be taking your child in for blood work and weight to assist their treatment team. Know what you are looking for, and if it’s not an appointment that is specifically designed to support your child’s eating disorder treatment team, you can let the doctor do what they’re best at, like treat that sprained ankle or sore throat, without talking too much about the eating disorder. I’m not saying you can’t talk about it, but it’s best to be clear about the purpose of your visit. Remember that visits are typically 10-15 minutes long, so it’s helpful to have a clear purpose in mind before you begin. 

3. Ask for accommodations

If your doctor’s appointments are specifically about your child’s eating disorder, then ask your child’s treatment team to either contact the doctor directly or assist you in how best to approach the appointment. If the appointment is not about the eating disorder and the doctor is not an eating disorder specialist, then you can do the following:

• Ask that your child not be weighed or, if it’s required, to be blind weighed, making sure the weight does not appear on post-visit paperwork
• Ask the doctor not to talk about your child’s weight during the visit. If they have any questions, direct them to you or your child’s treatment team
• Ask the doctor not to talk about food and eating during the visit. If they have any questions, direct them to you or your child’s treatment team 

4. Anticipate stress and discomfort

Going to the doctor when you have an eating disorder is typically an emotionally stressful experience. Most people who have eating disorders are highly concerned with their health and also suffer from anxiety. It’s best if you can anticipate their stress and spend time before the appointment helping them to feel safe and connected with you. This pre-work will go a long way to supporting your child’s experience at the doctor and avoiding major trigger events. If you need some help, check out this eBook on emotional regulation.

During doctors appointments with an eating disorder

During doctor’s appointments, you can advocate for your child who has an eating disorder by making sure that if weight is taken, it is not shown, discussed, or printed on aftercare materials. Additionally, you can intervene if the doctor begins a discussion of weight or “healthy” food and eating. 

If your child’s doctor is doing an assessment for your treatment team, obviously the eating disorder will be a topic of discussion. Just keep a close eye on it and try to guide the doctor if you feel they are getting into dangerous territory. Remember that you know your child best right now, and it’s OK to intervene if necessary.

Additionally, if your visit is not related to the eating disorder, you can keep the visit on-topic. While your child’s doctor should know they have an eating disorder, as long as they are getting treatment, it’s OK for the visit to focus on the sprained ankle or whatever you came in for.

Most importantly, try to keep your own emotional state regulated during the appointment. Remember that your emotional state impacts how your child feels, so do some work in advance and during the appointment to stay as regulated as possible. If you or your child becomes emotionally dysregulated during the visit, be sure to do some after-care to get you both into balance. Seek to reconnect and coregulate as soon as you can.

You can do this!

Parenting a child with an eating disorder is challenging, and so is navigating the health system. Doctor’s visits should be safe and healthy, but it’s best to prepare and remain vigilant to optimize your child’s experience given where they are right now. 

We have been trained to defer to doctors at all times, and they certainly deserve our respect. However, your first priority is your child’s recovery. You know what your child can and can’t tolerate right now, and it’s OK to speak up and politely redirect a doctor if needed.

See Our Guide To Parenting A Child With An Eating Disorder

When your child has an eating disorder you need to talk about it. I know it can be hard to do this. Most of us are afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. But it’s important to know that almost anything is better than not talking about it.

When we don’t talk about eating disorders we leave our child to process their fear and pain by themselves. This can feel lonely and shameful and exacerbate eating disorder behaviors.

When we talk about eating disorders we make it safe for our child to tell us how they are feeling. We get to participate in recovery rather than watch from the sidelines. And we learn valuable insights into how we make our child feel and what we need to do to be better parents.

Because there’s no such thing as perfect parenting. But all of us can learn and grow into better parents. And your child’s eating disorder can be a great reason to work on this. 

Let’s talk about eating disorders: Direct approach

Sometimes the easiest way to talk about something is just to open the conversation. This can feel like a triggering, emotional conversation. But it doesn’t have to be so scary if you realize that talking about eating disorders is better than not talking about them.

Here are some simple ways to begin:

I’ve noticed you’re struggling with food, and I’d like to talk about it.

You’re saying a lot of negative things about your body lately, and I want to talk about it.

Important: these are conversation openers. Don’t demand answers or details or get aggressive about this conversation. Just because you want to talk about it right now doesn’t mean they are necessarily ready to reciprocate. Don’t avoid these conversations, but also give your child time and space to open up to you. If your child refuses to talk to you, please get support so that you can find out how to help.

Let’s talk about eating disorders: When you’ve avoided it

Lots of parents avoid talking about eating disorders. I get it. It can be hard to figure out how to do this, and you’re probably afraid you’ll do or say the wrong thing. But it’s essential that you not avoid talking about it. Find the courage to start talking and you’ll find it gets easier. 

Here’s a way to begin: I notice that I’ve been avoiding talking about your eating and body image with you. I’m really sorry about that – it’s not OK to let you struggle with this alone. I’m here to support you, and I’m not going to avoid these conversations anymore.

Let’s talk about eating disorders: When they’ve avoided it

Maybe you’ve tried to talk about it but your child resists conversation. This might look like shutting down, leaving, or yelling at you. These are signs that you need to do some relational repair. And there are lots of ways to do it, but the first is to directly address what is going on and let them know that talking is important. 

Here’s a way to begin: I notice that when I try to talk to you about your eating and body image stuff you avoid talking to me. This is really important, and I’m here to support you, so I’m going to keep trying to talk about it with you.

Let’s talk about eating disorders: When you’ve been upset

This is a tricky subject, so maybe when you try to talk about it you start crying or become visibly anxious. I understand this happens. But when we’re facing a major issue like an eating disorder parents need to dig deep and step into their “parent role.” This means you get to process your feelings elsewhere, but when you’re parenting, you remain calm and confident. Please get some help so that you can start doing this.

Here’s a way to begin: I’ve been thinking about my behavior and I think my fear has led me to get upset when we talk about eating and body issues. I’m really sorry about that because it can make you feel as if I can’t handle this. I want you to know that I can handle this, and I’m not going to put my fear on you anymore.

Let’s talk about eating disorders: When you’ve been critical

Some of us have a critical defense mechanism. This means that when we’re scared we tend to criticize the person we love so much. I understand why this happens, but it’s really important that you change this behavior. You should never criticize your child, especially about their eating and body issues. Please get some help so that you can stop doing this.

Here’s a way to begin: I’ve been thinking about my behavior and I think my fear has led me to be critical when we talk about eating and body issues. I’m really sorry about that, and I’m working on it. I want you to know that you never deserve to be criticized by anyone, especially me, and I’m not going to do it anymore.

Let’s talk about eating disorders: What not to say/do

We don’t want to avoid the elephant in the room anymore. But that doesn’t mean you should just jump in and start talking without having a game plan. There are some things you should avoid saying and doing, including: 

• Don’t ask “what do you want me to do?” This is tempting. And of course sometimes it might be appropriate. But in general, keep in mind that our children want us to know how to parent them. When you say this you risk abdicating your responsibility to them.
• Don’t say “I’m so worried about you.” Of course you are worried. But our children don’t deserve the burden of our fear. Process your fear with a trusted adult, not with your child.
• Don’t say “I just want you to be you again” Of course you do. But your child is who they are. When you say this it could make them feel that an older version of them was preferred. Recovery rarely means going backwards – it almost always means stepping into a new way of being.
• Don’t say “I don’t know what to do.” Kids need parents to be in charge of parenting. They need us to be able to handle their stuff. Don’t show your fear and anxiety to your child. Present a confident, calm parent persona to your child.
• Don’t cry, yell, or avoid conversations. You get to have all your feelings. And I understand you are upset and this is hard. But try to avoid sharing your strong, fearful feelings while talking to your child. Your child needs to know you can handle this, and we don’t want them to feel guilty for having a hard time
• Don’t criticize, minimize, or try to fix or change your child’s feelings. Eating disorders are emotional processing disorders. Validate your child’s feelings. Help your child feel their feelings. Don’t try to get them to change how they feel or look on the bright side.

Get some help

Having a child with an eating disorder is stressful and it is not something you should try to do alone. This is not basic parenting. This is not business as usual.

Your child needs treatment, but you need help, too. When parents don’t change during eating disorder recovery, it’s very hard for their child to stay in recovery. What you do makes a difference. 

Parenting a child with an eating disorder is hard, but when parents grow and learn during recovery, it gets easier.

See Our Guide To Parenting A Child With An Eating Disorder

By Amelia Sherry, MPH, RD, CDN, CDCES

Parents can prevent eating disorders, but it’s something most of us need to learn. Thanks to culture and upbringing, we all come to the table with a certain set of biases. Our beliefs about food and eating are often subconscious.

For example, most people believe that a slim body is a healthy one. And most believe that people who pay close attention to what they eat are healthier than those who are more carefree when it comes to food. 

As a pediatric dietitian and certified diabetes counselor and educator, I’ve found that these biases rarely have the intended effect. And they rarely help our kids develop a taste for swiss chard. Instead, these beliefs are one of the biggest barriers my clients and I face. They get in the way when our shared goal is helping their child have a happy, healthy relationship with food. 

The reason? These beliefs come from a good place. But when we transmit these biases onto our kids we inadvertently put a lot of pressure on their eating. This makes them more prone to disorder and dysfunction. 

The good news is that parents can be more intentional about the language we use and the comments we make. We can reduce unnecessary pressure about food, eating, health and weight. And this will help kids develop a relationship with food that will have a better impact on their overall well-being.  

How to prevent eating disorders

Here are a few tips for rethinking our “food speak” to prevent eating disorders and disordered eating. These approaches will support your child to feel good about what and how much they eat. Parents who become more aware of the attitudes they pass to their kids about food tend to raise kids who are well-nourished in more ways than one. 

Go With an All Foods Fit Approach

By keeping virtue out of the kitchen

Avoid words like “bad,” “junk,” and “unhealthy” when it comes to talking about foods and drinks. Labeling certain foods as evil can trigger feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, and shame in kids. This is especially true if you’re referring to something that child really likes or wants to eat.

The truth is ALL foods can provide some nourishment. And while we may choose to offer our kids certain foods over others, identifying the ones you want them to avoid as “bad” does more harm than good.

Another reason to avoid name-calling when it comes to food: When we do this, we inadvertently teach our kids to judge not only themselves but others who eat them as  “wrong,” “bad,” or deserving of shame, too. Imagine a friend or classmate eats a lunch or snack food that your child feels you’d disapprove of. They may pass that unfair judgment on them, too.

Help Figure Out the Right Portion Size

By nixing “one more bite” and “that’s enough” comments and requests

When our child tells us they’re finished or that they’re still hungry, as a parent we need to believe them! This helps your child develop body trust. It also allows them the freedom to stay in tune with their innate physical ability to self-regulate. 

We are all born with an innate ability to regulate our food intake. We can read our body signals such as hunger, appetite, and satiety. This ability is something our children might lose touch with as they grow if caregivers or culture interfere with it. 

It’s unfortunately common for healthcare professionals, teachers, celebrities, friends, and extended family to make unhelpful comments about food and eating. The main thing is that we want to limit comments about “good” or “bad” eating and focus instead on internal cues. This is protective against disordered eating and one way we can prevent eating disorders.

Trust kids’ bodies

It’s ultimately unhelpful to prompt our kids to eat more when they feel full or stop before they feel satisfied. Because it teaches them to distrust their own body and listen to outside cues instead of their body. 

In the short term, it can be a ding to self-esteem. Kids might learn that “feeling hungry is bad and can’t be trusted.” Other negative thoughts like “I’m not good at eating” are also harmful. In the long term, it teaches kids that they can’t listen to signals from inside their bodies. This can set them up for disordered eating and eating disorders. To prevent eating disorders, they need to be attuned to their internal appetite.

When a child has an eating disorder their internal appetite signals have been disrupted. They can relearn this critical connection during recovery with the help of an eating disorder therapist and dietitian.  

Help Kids Reach a Healthy Weight

By cutting out weight talk

Lots of parents treat weight as a problem to be solved. But studies show that their kids have more disordered eating habits. They are more likely to have eating disorder behaviors like restrictive eating and binge eating.

They also suffer from lower self-esteem, more body dissatisfaction, and are more likely to be depressed. This is regardless of whether that child is underweight, normal weight, or overweight. It also occurs whether the parent is talking about their child’s weight or their own. 

Studies have also shown that kids who grow up in families with negative weight talk have higher weight than those who don’t. That’s right. Just talking negatively about weight can impact your kids’ future weight.

Moms aren’t the only ones who impact their kids’ feelings about eating. This effect is even stronger for fathers who promote eating a certain way to lose weight or avoid gaining weight. The negative effects of weight talk are powerful. Their impact has been shown to last at least 15 years, following our kids into adulthood.

To prevent eating disorders and disordered eating, avoid making weight an enemy to be conquered. This approach will help your child maintain a BMI that is natural and meant for them. Bodies are diverse, and the best approach is to accept their natural signals rather than control them. 

Help Kids Have Better Eating Esteem

By taking note of your tone

When talking to kids about food, be gentle, kind, and guiding, as well as very direct. Children are more likely to listen to directions when they feel respected, supported, and when they clearly understand your request.

Of course, the opposite is also true. Kids are less likely to comply with requests that are critical, shaming, and unclear. Worse? Such comments are known to lower self-esteem and cause overeating. 

For example, “Sweetheart, please take just one scoop so there is enough for everyone,” works much better than, “Oh my gosh, that’s a lot of calories!”, “After today, we can both start a diet”, or “You’ve been eating too much lately.”

Make Family Meals Easier

By being curious

Does your child have a particular eating habit you hate? Or is their focus on carbs or sugar or snack foods something you often worry about? While it’s natural to be concerned about eating habits, if they pick up on your stress or concern it could make the situation worse. 

Instead, ask yourself the “why” behind your worry and talk about it with a partner or professional. Letting your own eating or weight concerns get the best of you during meals can ramp up stress. This impacts everyone who is eating, including very young children. 

Research shows that even infants can pick up on stress during feeding. So if you approach meals with negative emotions, there’s a chance your child will feel anxious or afraid, too.

Keep it calm

Big emotions can also dis-regulate eating, decreasing or increasing your child’s appetite. This may inadvertently contribute more to whatever issue you’re concerned about instead of improving it.

If you do have a concern that you think needs to be addressed, take them away from the table. You can talk about your concerns and the most positive approaches to feeding with a pediatric dietitian and/or family therapist. They can provide positive ways to approach food and eating. 

While your child’s weight and shape will change as they age, their thoughts and feelings about foods and eating will stay with them into adulthood. Strive to create an attitude that’s relaxed and positive to prevent eating disorders. This will also support them in feeling good about food and their body.  

---

Amelia Sherry has a Masters in Public Health Nutrition, is a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist (RDN) and Certified Diabetes Counselor & Educator (CDCES). She’s also the founder of NourishHer.com, a source of information and inspiration for mothers who want to raise girls protected from diet culture. Visit the site for access to free articles, downloads, and workshops.

See Our Guide To Parenting A Child With An Eating Disorder

When your child has an eating disorder, it’s time to critically evaluate what you do and what you need to stop doing. No parent is ever responsible for a child’s eating disorder. However, the disorder found life in the family ecosystem. Thus there is good reason to consider the environmental conditions that may have contributed to its development.

Parents are never to blame. But parents who carefully evaluate their child’s ecosystem can be of tremendous help during recovery.

In this article I will review the three “sacred cows” that most of us live with in our culture. These sacred cows are natural and normal. However, they are also the things we should stop doing when a child has an eating disorder.

A sacred cow is an idea, custom or institution believed to be above criticism. Sacred cows are firmly believed to be absolutely and factually correct, but they do not stand up to critical evaluation. Overcoming sacred cows requires practice. Even when we know intellectually they are false or even harmful, our unconscious beliefs may still exist.

Here are three sacred cows that families need to stop perpetuating when a child has an eating disorder:

Sacred Cow 1: Thin is better

We live in a culture that believes 500% that being thin is good, and fat is bad. Thin people are believed to be in better physical health, of higher intelligence, and, of course, more attractive. This sacred cow goes so deep that it can feel overwhelming to topple it. But we must in order to heal from our eating disorders. The facts are that:

Equal Health:

People who live in thinner bodies are not actually healthier just because they have less adipose tissue.

Many people who live in larger bodies are physically healthier and live longer than people who are living in thinner bodies. Neither body type is better than the other from a health standpoint.

In fact the greatest risk to someone in a larger body is not their adipose tissue but weight stigma. If this statement is making you feel deeply confused, it’s because it’s a sacred cow.

Equal Intelligence:

People who live in larger bodies are not less intelligent, but they are believed to be less intelligent based on the fact that everyone “knows” that all it takes to lose weight is to take in fewer calories than you put out.

This is deeply believed yet completely false. Weight loss and maintaining a low body weight is not simply a matter of intelligence and willpower.

Body weight is programmed genetically and environmentally. We have very little control over it.

Not everyone is capable of losing weight and maintaining a thin body. And people who don’t lose weight are not less intelligent than those who live in smaller bodies.

Equally Attractive:

People who live in larger bodies are not less attractive than those who live in thinner bodies.

How do we know this? Because there is no single standard for human beauty.

Beauty standards are societally-driven based on the preferences popularized by those in power. In our society, the beauty, fashion and health industries push the thin ideal everywhere we go.

As a result, we have internalized the belief that being thin is more beautiful. But, just like all sacred cows, you can dismantle this one.

Spend some time learning about fatphobia and feminism. We can learn to see all bodies as uniquely beautiful, regardless of their size. We just need to drop the social construct that thin = beautiful.

Sacred Cow 2: A child’s body weight is the parent’s responsibility

Many parents believe that their child’s body is a reflection of their parenting.

This damaging belief begins at the first visit with the pediatrician. When our children are just hours old, the doctor mentions the child’s height to weight ratio. This begins a lifetime study of a body’s weight.

When a child “fails to thrive,”  parents feel guilty. When a child gains weight “too rapidly,” parents feel guilty.

This system innately links our child’s body weight to our abilities as parents. Every single pediatrician visit begins with a height/weight analysis and questions about the child’s eating patterns.

Even parents who have children who fall directly on the “average” line of weight receive comments about maintaining weight. The assumption is that weight is within our control.

But this belief that parents should monitor their child’s weight and keep it low on the scale is a sacred cow.

Bodies are naturally diverse, and the more parents mess with their kid’s weight, in the form of diets, criticism, and teasing, the more likely their kids are to have problems with weight as adults.

That’s right. Parents who obsess over kids’ weight are more likely to have larger-bodied kids. This is because typically the only influence we have on our kids’ weight is negative.

That does not mean parents don’t influence healthy behaviors.

A child’s body weight is not the parent’s responsibility. It is up to a complex interaction of genetics and environment. However, parents can take responsibility for creating a healthy environment. By not focusing on weight you are not ignoring health; you are simply recognizing that focusing on weight is usually not healthy.

Instead, parents can focus on modifiable behaviors such as sleep, play, stress management, and intuitive eating.

Parents are responsible for offering their kids a healthy selection of foods. We are responsible for helping our children notice how food makes their bodies feel. We are responsible for never labeling foods “good” or “bad,” which can lead kids to binge eat when given access to “bad” foods.

When children are fed in this way they become natural, intuitive eaters who balance out their diets for optimal nutrition based on their individual bodies. For more about feeding kids, please visit the Ellen Satter Institute.

Sacred Cow 3: Good parenting is natural

The sacred cow that good parenting is natural, or that love is all you need to raise a child well, needs to be thoroughly toppled.

Good parenting is often not natural.

Most of the reason for this is that none of us is born with a knowledge of psychology, brain development, and the other critical skills that are necessary to parent well.

Most of us were also parented imperfectly. Therefore we should carefully evaluate what we think is “right” before automatically assuming it is healthy.

Great parents spend time thinking critically about parenting. They make constant adjustments based on how their kids react to their parenting.

They read articles, pursue training, and get coaching to help them dismantle their assumptions. They learn to exchange sacred cows for compassionate parenting approaches.

It doesn’t matter how much you love your child – love is not enough.

All of us make mistakes, and many times we hurt the people we love simply because we don’t realize that while having love for our children is natural and automatic, giving love appropriately is a conscious, intentional action.

Giving love takes practice and patience, and we must adjust our love-giving for each child and each circumstance. If this sounds exhausting, it can be sometimes, but it is also absolutely what our kids need from us.

Check your sacred cows

Parenting a child with an eating disorder is not easy. That’s why now is the perfect time to check your sacred cows about parenting and learn some new skills.

There are things we can stop doing that will help our children who have an eating disorder.

It’s never too late to become a better parent. And our children have tremendous capacity to accept a parent who learns new parenting skills.

See Our Guide To Parenting A Child With An Eating Disorder

When parents learn how to validate their kids’ feelings, kids become less defiant and more pleasant to be around. And for kids who have an eating disorder, validation can support the recovery process.

Validating a child’s feelings is incredibly simple, but it’s not natural for many of us. Most parents were raised in emotionally-distant households. Few of us experienced being validated as children, which is why we’re not likely to do it naturally for our own kids.

Luckily, it’s easy to learn how to validate our kids’ feelings, and the benefits are often spectacular.

Why validation is a powerful parenting strategy

When parents validate kids’ feelings, they create conditions that build:

• Emotional Regulation: Children who believe their feelings are valid and important are able to regulate their emotions more easily. This means they aren’t subject to constant mood shifts and emotional outbursts. Additionally, when they do experience these, they can recover faster.
• Emotional Resilience: Parents who validate their kids raise children who feel accepted and worthy of love. This makes them emotionally resilient and less vulnerable to addiction and mental disorders.
• Stronger Relationships: Parents who validate their kids build a stronger relationship with them. Validation makes your kids feel more connected to you, and you also feel more connected to them.
• Easier Kids: Kids who feel emotionally validated by their parents are easier to parent. They feel safe and secure in the relationship. Therefore they are more likely to trust that parents have their best interests at heart.

How to validate your kids’ feelings

Any parent can learn how to validate their kids’ feelings. It just takes some patience and practice. Here’s what to do:

• Notice: You can’t validate a feeling unless you recognize that your child is having a feeling. Often feelings make us uncomfortable, so we try to dismiss or ignore them. Instead, notice that a feeling is happening.
• Regulate Yourself: It’s likely that you have feelings about your child’s feelings. So take a moment to calm yourself down. It’s very hard to validate your child if you’re upset. Try the following steps:
  • Name: It helps to give a name to the feeling you think your child is having. Start with the big 3: anger, fear, and sadness. Then go beyond these feelings with additional words like disgust, shame, and jealousy. Giving a name to the feelings can help contain them so they don’t feel quite so overwhelming.
  • Source: Try to identify the source of the feelings. It may be obvious – maybe you said they can’t attend a party. But try to think through additional sources. For example, maybe they told their friends they were going to the party. Now they feel embarrassed that they can’t go.
  • Center: Now that you know the name of the feeling and the likely sources of the feeling, take a deep breath and center yourself. Only then should you provide validation.
• Validate: Provide a statement that shows you understand and accept the feelings. Here are some examples:
  • It makes sense that you feel that way.
  • I can understand why you feel that way.
  • I’m here for you.
  • I bet you’re frustrated!
  • I hear you.
  • I’m sorry that you’re frustrated with me.
  • I imagine this is really hard for you.
  • Thank you for telling me how you feel.
  • Your emotions make sense.

Getting started

You may feel very strange making validating statements at first. And your child may be surprised when you do it for the first time. But stick with it. Over time, it will feel natural and normal, but it takes practice! Just try to find a validating statement that feels authentic in the moment. Remember that you’re not judging the feeling as good or bad; you’re just accepting the fact that the feeling exists.

3 validations for kids who have eating disorders

If you have a child who has an eating disorder, then learning to validate your kids’ feelings is even more valuable. Here are three validations that are helpful for kids who have eating disorders.

1. You are loved

All of us long to be loved and to feel worthy of love just for the simple fact that we exist in the world. And the most foundational love of all comes from our parents. Our parents should love us for the simple reason that we are their children.

Many of us grew up in families that assumed love was implied, but it was rarely explicitly spoken. But children long to hear words about how loved and special they are. There is no risk of over-loving our kids. We don’t need to hold off on telling them we love them for any reason. 

Here are some validating phrases to say to children to express your love:

• I love you just as you are.
• You are worthy of my time and interest, and I’m happy to support you.
• I am here for you. 
• I know who you are and I accept you as you are.
• Your emotions are not too much for me; they make sense to me.
• I am here, you’re safe, I won’t go away no matter how big your feelings get.

2. You don’t have to be perfect

Some parents believe that their children should look a certain way or get certain grades or play a certain sport. To reinforce achievement goals, these parents may withdraw affection or criticize their children when they do not perform well. These parents are not monsters – they are operating under the assumption that we must push and drive our children to succeed. 

However, children cannot separate their performance from who they are as people. As a result, children who believe they must perform a certain way to gain their parents’ love tend to become perfectionists, which sets them up for eating disorders and can ironically hold them back from achieving. The more a child fears letting a parent down, the fewer risks that child will take. This negatively impacts their ability to achieve in life.

Here are some validating phrases to say to children to express your acceptance:

• Mistakes are just a sign that you’re trying. They are not a sign that you can’t do it!
• Screwing up is OK and doesn’t make you less lovable.
• It’s OK not to be perfect, it doesn’t affect how I feel about you.
• I will never be ashamed of you for trying something difficult.
• I’m proud of you for taking that risk.
• You acted out because you were in so much pain, not because you’re a bad person.
• I love you no matter what … it isn’t contingent on making good grades or doing things “right.”

3. Your body is fine

Some parents believe that “good parents” should control and manage their children’s food and bodies. Our society, driven by diet culture, has sent many messages to parents suggesting that they are “bad” parents if they don’t worry about and try to influence their child’s weight. Parents worry they will be criticized if a child gains weight or lives on the higher end of the weight scale.

Children cannot separate their body from who they believe they are as a person. Parents who focus on their child’s appearance and criticize or feel badly about their children’s bodies pass along a deep sense of unease and discomfort that is fertile ground for eating disorders. Even if the parent never says anything out loud, children can sense parental disapproval and will feel bad about their bodies and themselves.

Here are some validating phrases to say to children to express that you accept their body as it is:

• I trust your body to grow exactly as it needs to grow.
• Your body is good the way it is.
• I love you exactly as you are.
• You are worthy of love regardless of the shape of your body.
• Your weight doesn’t determine the love you receive. 
• You can pursue health at any size.
• What you eat does not determine your worth.
• You don’t need to change your body to be loved.
• Your body has to gain weight to grow, especially during puberty. It is not a sign that something is wrong.

Validation is good parenting

Validating our kids is soothing to their souls, and can help them grow strong and healthy – emotionally and physically. It may feel awkward, but remember to keep trying. Parenting a child with an eating disorder is hard, but validation helps a lot!

See Our Guide To Parenting A Child With An Eating Disorder

These tips for parents who have a child with an eating disorder are about what you do, not about what your child does. This is because parents can change their own behavior, but we have very little control over our child’s behavior.

This becomes very apparent with an eating disorder diagnosis. Because no matter how much parents want a child to recover, they cannot make it happen with force. Parents who attend to what they do have power over and leave the things they don’t can make the greatest difference in recovery.

1. See your child for who they are

A child who has an eating disorder often surprises their parents. Most people who have eating disorders appear to be “good kids.” Few parents recognize the early signs of an eating disorders because they see the facade the child presents at home and to the world. To help a child recover, parents need to look deeper than surface behaviors and see the child for who they are.

For example, Marianne loves her daughter Tamara. But when Tamara was growing up, Marianne struggled to juggle parenting three kids with her career. Tamara, the middle child, believed that she was a burden.

To compensate, Tamara worked hard to be a good girl and make life easier for Marianne. She cooked dinner for the family, kept her room spotless, and always behaved at school. These were ways in which Tamara sought the love she needed from her mother. And while Marianne thought Tamara was amazing and wonderful, she didn’t realize that Tamara’s goodness was a performance in pursuit of love.

It was natural for Marianne to think that Tamara was a happy, good kid. And recognizing that Tamara had complicated feelings about Marianne’s career was really hard. Marianne realized that Tamara wasn’t just naturally “good;” she was performing a role in an attempt to gain love and affection.

Parents must look beyond kids’ performative roles and see the child within. Marianne now has the chance to show Tamara that she is not a burden, but a perfectly worthy child even when she doesn’t perform goodness.

The idea behind these tips is to show how parents can help with eating disorder recovery. And one of the biggest ways parents can help is by working on their relationship with their child. Parents can also help the child reimagine the roles they play within the family and in the world.

2. Understand what eating disorders are (and what they’re not)

Eating disorders come with behavioral symptoms. It’s all too easy for parents to think that the behaviors are the eating disorder. But in fact the behaviors are symptoms. And treating the symptoms will not necessarily lead to recovery from an eating disorder.

For example, when Tamara started bingeing and purging, she hid it from her parents. But as it got worse, Marianne caught on and got Tamara into treatment for her eating disorder. Marianne was understandably most interested in stopping the behaviors immediately. She didn’t want her little girl to binge eat and purge several times per day.

As a result, Marianne was frustrated when Tamara’s care providers took things slowly. They talked about family dynamics and mental health hygiene. She felt like it was a waste of her time to learn how to cope with Tamara’s anxiety when she really just needed to her to stop bingeing and purging.

But with time and education Marianne came to realize that rushing recovery wasn’t going to lead to long-term health. She slowed down and worked on learning skills that could improve the household environment. She learned how to talk about emotions, and the whole family got better at sharing their feelings.

As Tamara gradually recovered, Marianne could see that all the things she thought were a waste of time were actually essential to healing. As a mental disorder, eating disorders need to be treated on multiple levels. It’s not enough to be abstinent from the behaviors of an eating disorder. True healing comes when the person learns to cope with their emotions without their eating disorder.

These tips for parents acknowledge that while an eating disorder has physical symptoms, they are mental disorders. When parents attend to the mental and emotional side of the eating disorder, they’re often successful at reducing the need for the eating disorder.

3. Create a self-care plan

Parents are under tremendous pressure every day. We exist in a society that provides very little support to us in the best of times. In the worst of times, such as when we have a child who has an eating disorder, many of us can’t help but feel completely isolated and overwhelmed.

When Tamara was diagnosed with an eating disorder, Marianne was prepared to quit her job and devote all her time to Tamara’s recovery. But she loved her job. And while there is a lot that parents can do to help kids recover, it’s also important to maintain their own sense of identity and purpose throughout treatment.

Instead of quitting, Marianne put together a self-care plan to help her support Tamara’s recovery. She looked at all aspects of her own health, including sleep, fitness, eating, joy, and support. Marianne made sure she got enough sleep each night and was eating and moving her body in ways that felt good. She gave up dieting and intense exercise classes and instead adopted Intuitive Eating and enjoyable outdoor walks with her friends. Marianne also got a mentor to support her through Tamara’s recovery.

This may sound like a pipe dream, but mothers have a long history of not taking care of ourselves. This tendency, rather than helping our kids, actually leaves us depleted and less able to help. Think of the airplane warning: adults should always put on their own oxygen masks before they help a child. This is because we can’t help others if we’re gasping for breath.

By bolstering her own self-care, Marianne became a powerful member of Tamara’s recovery team. Her steady, conscious support went a long way towards helping Tamara recover.

Final thoughts

Remember that while of course you want your child to recover as quickly as possible, your main goal should actually be to understand and support your child on their unique path to recovery. Parenting a child with an eating disorder is hard, but parents who do this can make a tremendous positive impact on their child’s recovery. You show up and do what you can, but you also accept what you can’t do.

This approach may feel like the easy way out, but it’s definitely not. It’s actually a lot harder for parents to learn the boundaries around what they can and cannot do for their kids than it is to dive in and try to fix everything for them. Think of when your child was struggling to build something using blocks. Wasn’t it harder to watch them struggle than to just dive in and build the castle for them? Monitoring and managing our own anxiety about what our kids go through is a lot of work, so don’t underestimate the effort required.

For privacy, names and identifying details have been changed in this article.

See Our Guide To Parenting A Child With An Eating Disorder

Couples can take active steps to stay married when their child has an eating disorder. An eating disorder is a major stressor in a marriage, and can lead to distance and even divorce.

Eating disorders, like other mental health diagnoses, can turn a family upside down. And even parents who felt their marriage was relatively stable may now feel at odds with each other. Deciding about treatment, acceptable behavior, and the day-to-day management of a child in crisis is exhausting. That’s why it’s so important to make a commitment to your marriage right from the start.

The most common reasons that married couples risk divorce when a child has an eating disorder are:

1. Disagreements about treatment
2. Not prioritizing your marriage
3. Trying to be strong
4. One person does more than the other
5. Blaming self and/or spouse for the problem
6. Looking elsewhere for comfort

All of these risks can be managed – it is very possible to stay married and even to deepen your relationship when your child has an eating disorder. We’ve detailed some ideas below.

1. Disagreements about treatment

Most parents know very little about eating disorders. This, combined with a lack of evidence-based treatment paths, leaves parents wondering exactly how to manage the eating disorder and get their child healthy again.

Typically, one partner will take the eating disorder more seriously than the other one. This partner may be the person who is sounding the alarm, taking the child to the doctor, and pleading with the child to eat normally again. The other partner may dismiss the eating disorder or think they can tell the child to eat more and everything will be fine.

Many parents find themselves on opposite ends of the spectrum regarding whether to get treatment for their child’s eating disorder. One thing we know is that eating disorders rarely go away by themselves. Also, eating disorders are best dealt with quickly rather than left to fester and grow. Early, thorough treatment is best. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy for both people in the marriage to agree on exactly what makes up thorough treatment.

If you and your partner are disagreeing about whether to treat your child or how to treat your child, schedule a consultation with an eating disorder professional. They can help you discuss your shared goals and define where you disagree. They can also provide insight into treatment options and help you find common ground. This will help you gain clarity about the disorder your child faces and get you talking about common goals. By facing the challenge together, you can actually strengthen your married bond during eating disorder recovery.

2. Not prioritizing your marriage

Most parents are already juggling plenty of tasks. When a child develops an eating disorder, it can seem impossible to find time to get everything done. Now, on top of all your regular responsibilities, you also have to get them back and forth for doctor’s and therapist appointments while also creating a home environment that supports recovery.

If you are both working and have other children, getting everything done is a massive undertaking. As soon as possible, sit down and have a “state of our marriage” discussion. Talk to each other about your priorities and discuss how you can keep your marriage on the list.

You may need to cut down on some of your couple activities to accommodate your child’s eating disorder treatment. But don’t ignore your marriage or set it aside during this time. It’s OK to take date nights. You may even consider a brief vacation or getaway together. Check with your child’s treatment team, but usually they will support couples who invest in each other. The couples that stay married through an eating disorder make their marriage a priority.

3. Trying to be strong

It’s normal for parents facing an eating disorder to feel scared and even angry. Lots of people think that eating disorders are a symptom of bad parenting. The stigma of an eating disorder can make parents feel isolated and ashamed. Eating disorders are also difficult and expensive to treat. Eating disorders are stressful for parents and the entire family. This is not the time to clam up and turn away from each other. Instead, have open, vulnerable conversations about how the eating disorder is affecting each of you.

Be intentional about talking to each other about what you’re struggling with. Sometimes you need to complain about a situation brought about by a child’s illness. Because not talking about it can create caverns of isolation that keep you each trapped in your own pain and suffering.

It’s important to realize that while your child has the diagnosis, everyone in the family will feel the impact of the eating disorder. You deserve help and support during this time.

This is not the time to be strong, but a time to open up to each other and trusted friends, family members, and professionals who can share your burden. Trying to be strong or do this alone will add to the strain on your marriage and make it vulnerable.

4. One person does more than the other

Most couples have to balance the requirements of family life with their careers, friendships, and hobbies. In most couples, women take on more of the family labor than men. This includes housework, cooking, taking kids to doctor’s appointments, and more.

If you have a child with an eating disorder, the family labor requirements can double or triple. If you already have an imbalance of family labor in your marriage, then the eating disorder diagnosis could completely overwhelm one partner (often the mother). Taking children to treatment sessions, monitoring food, exercise, and eating habits, and other day-to-day management activities are intense.

It’s important to talk to your partner about the labor involved in running the household and also managing a sick child. It makes sense that each of you will need to increase family labor. This could mean a decrease in your time for work, friendships, and hobbies. Make sure you’re talking to each other about how the eating disorder is being managed amongst other household tasks, or one partner could end up feeling resentful and burned out.

The eating disorder diagnosis will exacerbate any existing inequality in the marriage, so it’s best to stay on top of this conversation throughout treatment.

5. Blaming self and/or spouse for the problem

It is normal to want to place blame when something goes wrong. And when a child is sick, we naturally want to find someone on which to place the blame. Eating disorders are complex, biopsychosocial disorders. This means they arise from a combination of biological, psychological, and social conditions. No single person, event, or condition causes an eating disorder. No parent is ever responsible for an eating disorder.

But that doesn’t stop couples from blaming either themselves or each other. When we blame ourselves, we believe that our actions or beliefs caused the eating disorder. And while parents often change their beliefs and behavior when there is an eating diagnosis, that doesn’t mean it’s their fault.

Likewise, it’s unhelpful to blame a partner for a child’s eating disorder. Parents who are seeking to blame others for the eating disorder have less energy to invest in their child’s recovery from an eating disorder.

The best thing is to work together to address any beliefs and behaviors that may contribute to the eating disorder. Take action to provide a safe and healthy environment for your child’s recovery rather than blaming anyone for its existence.

6. Looking elsewhere for comfort

Sometimes the pressure of a child’s eating disorder feels like it’s too much for the couple to handle. One or both partners may turn to people and things outside of the marriage for comfort. For example, some partners will increase behaviors like drinking, shopping, or gambling. These behaviors are an attempt to avoid the pain and struggle of having a child with an eating disorder. But they will drive a wedge between the person and their family, and put the marriage at risk.

Other times, partners will seek other people for comfort. Infidelity can become much more attractive when a partner feels ignored, angry, or scared at home. A child’s eating disorder can make an affair seem like the only pleasure available in life. But, of course, having an affair will only make life harder for everyone in the family.

If you notice that the gap between you and your partner is growing, take steps now to repair and come together. The more you can face the eating disorder as a team, the greater your chances of success. And the good news is that parents who maintain and deepen their relationships can help their child recover from an eating disorder. This is because a healthy family makes recovery easier and safer for the child.

Your marriage can survive this

Parenting a child with an eating disorder is hard, but marriages can survive a child’s eating disorder. In fact, some people find that having a child go through eating disorder recovery strengthens their families and marriages. The key is to recognize the potential pitfalls and working to turn towards each other rather than away. When a couple works together to support a child in eating disorder recovery, they can survive.

See Our Guide To Parenting A Child With An Eating Disorder