Many parents find themselves asking: What is the best way to parent a difficult child, especially when an eating disorder is part of the picture? In our culture, two common approaches often emerge. One is to “bring down the hammer, ” to increase control, set strict rules, and try to manage everything through discipline. The other is to feel overwhelmed and give up on trying to change things, even if frustration and complaints about your child’s behavior continue beneath the surface.

Neither path leads to the supportive, effective parenting your child needs during this critical time. This guide will help you discover a better way, one grounded in understanding, balance, and real connection, that can make all the difference in your child’s recovery and your family’s well-being.

Common ways to parent a difficult child

Let’s start by exploring these two very different types of parenting methods we see most often in the media and among friends, family, and in our own households.

1. Controlling parents assert that they are always right. They attempt to control the child’s behavior and thoughts in order to achieve success. When children make mistakes, they are reprimanded and punished. The challenge is that children in these households typically rebel or lose themselves. They tend to lack self-control and intrinsic motivation.

2. Permissive parents feel helpless and unable to positively impact their kids. They tend to feel victimized by the child’s behavior. They may not have the time or resources to actively parent their kids. Or they may have been parented by controlling parents when they were children. They are now over-correcting in an attempt to avoid putting their own children through the same thing.

3. Swing parents go between the two extremes of controlling and permissiveness. They buckle down and put punishments and rules in place, only to give up when their child fights back, sneaks out, or does anything else to push against the controlling measures. Swinging between two polarities can leave kids feeling insecure and more likely to act up. This can create an exhausting cycle for both parents and kids.

A more effective way to parent a difficult child

But there is another, more effective method of parenting that is far more likely to help a difficult child and make being a parent easier. Assertive parents build their parental relationships on mutual respect and trust. With clear boundaries between who they are and who their kids are, they recognize their kids’ unique personalities and strengths.

They don’t feel threatened when their child makes mistakes or doesn’t want to do something the parent cares about. They seek ways to enhance the child’s natural strengths and interests and create situations in which the child can learn to face developmentally-appropriately hardship. This approach builds safety and grit.

When children make mistakes, they are spoken to with kindness and understanding. But assertive parents also have boundaries and rules. They collaborate with their kids to set goals and make changes. They have confidence that the child is doing the best they can.

Difficult children are harder to parent

There is no single definition of what makes a child “difficult,” but one thing is clear, and it’s that parenting feels hard, even impossible.

When parents look back at a difficult child’s evolution they may see a child who was wonderful and then suddenly became difficult. Or they may see a child who has always been a challenge. Maybe they see a baby who was fussy, a toddler who was demanding, and the inevitable out of control teenager.

It makes a lot of sense that when we have a hard time with something, we assign blame to the thing that is causing us problems. In the case of parenting, we tend to think there is something wrong with the child.

And it may be true that you have a highly-sensitive child, a child who has special needs or a learning disability. Maybe you have a child who, through no fault of yours, experienced Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) that have led to trauma. But it’s important to remember that relationships are between two or more people, and when we have a relationship problem, everyone in the relationship plays a role.

We are always and forever in a relationship with our child. And how we respond to and accommodate their difficulties impacts the relationship and the people within it. Sometimes we accidentally make a challenging child even more difficult to parent, even though that’s the exact opposite of what we want!

Making parenting easier

When we look at a child who is difficult to parent, people often begin by thinking about what is wrong with the child. But we miss a lot if we don’t look at how they have been shaped by the parent-child relationship.

This can be so challenging, and it is not coming from a place of parent blaming and shaming. But the fact is that we impact our children when we parent them. And we can often help our children if we acknowledge our own role in how they are behaving and feeling.

In fact, we can usually make parenting easier for ourselves if we work on how we parent our kids.

Almost nobody learns how to be a great parent

Our kids are handed over to us, and very few of us have any training in how to be a good parent. In fact, most of us learned everything we know from our own parents, who were likely untrained themselves, and television, movie, and book families, which are almost always over-simplified and deeply flawed. This incomplete education leaves us vulnerable to parenting mistakes.

If we were parented by controlling parents, we may do the same automatically. Or we will swing the opposite direction and become permissive. Most of us actually swing between controlling and permissive, which creates a very confusing environment for our kids.

Negative behaviors like using alcohol, sex, drugs, cigarettes, lying, cheating, poor grades, skipped classes, shoplifting, sexual promiscuity, vandalism, and eating disorders thrive when parents are not taught how to create a stable parent-child relationship.

This does not mean that parents are responsible for kids’ bad behavior, but it does mean that there are things parents can do to help kids find a healthier path.

Here are the steps parents can take to parent a difficult child:

1. Forgive yourself

The first step in learning to parent a difficult child is to forgive yourself. Many parents who have challenging kids are living with deep shame about their “failure” as parents. Work with someone who can help you process and work through that shame.

We all come from somewhere, and we all do our very best for our kids. The fact that your child is difficult is not your fault, but there is something you can do about it. And it all begins with having compassion for yourself.

2. Learn

Next, learn as much as you can about parenting. Focus your attention on understanding attachment. We have lots of articles about parenting a child with an eating disorder.

There are some excellent books that teach the neuroscience of connection and safety, which underlie healthy parent-child relationships. Some of our favorites include:

• The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired
• Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
• Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents: 7 Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous and Independent Children

Learn everything you can about healthy parent-child relationships. Most parents feel understandably defensive about parenting issues. But try to keep an open mind. Curiosity is the very first ingredient you need to learn something new.

3. Listen

One of the first things we lose when we have a difficult child is our ability to listen to them without judgment. This is because we’ve built a mountain of complaints and assumptions about them. But healing will come from compassion, not controlling or giving up. And compassion can only thrive in a safe space when a child feels like you listen to them.

Open up conversations about their choices, goals, and regrets. Truly listen as you would listen to your best friend. This will be more likely to put you in a place of acceptance and empathy, which will build trust in your relationship.

Give them space to express themselves imperfectly. Don’t jump in to tell them how they should have done something instead, how they should be looking at the problem, or any other form of advice. Most people will find their way to the right answer for them if given time and trust.

4. Repair

It makes perfect sense if you believe that your child has harmed you and that they are the ones who should be apologizing. But difficult children are unlikely to apologize unless they feel safe. And the best way to build safety is for you to repair any mistakes that you have made.

It costs nothing and will make a significant impact if you apologize to your child for past mistakes. This doesn’t mean you are taking the blame for their behavior, but it does mean you are taking responsibility for your behavior. Here are some examples:

• Olivia, when I found out you were drinking, I yelled and completely lost my temper. I imagine that was probably scary. I’m really sorry.
• Bryan, I realize that we were slow to get you the help you needed for your ADHD. I want to apologize for how my hesitation to get treatment for you impacted your early years in school,. I know that it has made school harder for you. I’m sorry.
• Tisha, while I wish you were able to recover from your eating disorder, I realize that when I shamed you for eating those cookies, that was wrong. My anger was unhelpful, and I can see that what you need is support, not punishment. I’m sorry.

Some parents might worry that these statements let the child off the hook for their behavior. But quite the opposite often happens. When parents consistently work to repair their own mistakes and demonstrate vulnerability, their child is more likely to apologize for their own behavior.

5. Show up

When a child is difficult, it’s natural for the parent to want to spend less time with them. It’s frustrating and often exhausting to be with a child who is acting out. But building a safe, healthy parent-child relationship is the fastest route to transforming your situation.

Find ways to show up for your child. Eat meals together, go for walks together, watch their sports games or video game tournaments, and share time as often as possible. It’s all too easy to hide behind screens and doors today, but a difficult child needs their parents to show up and make space for this very important relationship.

Even if your child says they don’t want you around, they need you. Children need their parents, even when they are old and even if they have a complicated relationship. Just because your child is angry, withdrawn, or acting out doesn’t mean they don’t need your presence in their life.

Assertive parenting makes kids easier & more likely to succeed

Assertive parents are more likely to have kids who are easier to parent and also more likely to succeed emotionally and behaviorally. Some core components of assertive parenting include:

• An expectation that parents and children each behave respectfully and honestly
• Respect for the parent and child as individual people who have sovereignty over their own lives and choices
• High expectations of positive behavior both within and outside of the relationship
• Honest communication
• Dedication to building a healthy parent-child relationship
• Compassionate, positive interactions
• Parents set boundaries and have authority to make decisions around the child’s health and safety
• Empathy for each other

The assertive parenting model allows our children to live life on their own terms, even while living within acceptable conduct in the home and society.

Our kids will thrive under assertive parenting in ways that they will never thrive under controlling or permissive parenting. They will develop a strong sense of self, high self-esteem, and a powerful belief in their own self-worth.

And yes, they may still rebel. They may still be difficult to parent sometimes. But that’s because they are human beings living a human life, not because they are acting out against overly-rigid or permissive parents.

They may still develop eating disorders and do things like sneak out to go to a party and get drunk and call us to come and pick them up. But if they can rest assured of the safety of our relationship, they are more likely to thrive anyway.

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Ginny Jones is the founder of More-Love.org, and a Parent Coach who helps parents who have kids with eating disorders.

See Our Guide To Parenting A Child With An Eating Disorder

Almost every parent of a child with an eating disorder has, at some point, felt overwhelmed or even a little “crazy.” Parenting under these challenging conditions is incredibly hard. Children struggling with eating disorders often face high levels of anxiety, depression, and other mental health hurdles that can make their behavior feel confusing or frustrating.

But here’s an important insight: many of the behaviors that drive us crazy may actually be anxiety in disguise. When we learn to recognize and address that underlying anxiety, we can not only help our children feel better but also find greater patience and peace in our parenting journey. This understanding can transform both their healing and our experience as caregivers.

Annoying behavior is often anxiety in disguise

It can be surprisingly hard to recognize anxiety, since anxiety is mostly just annoying. Anxiety is often associated with being rude and irritable. If your child is driving you crazy during eating disorder recovery, it’s very possible they are experiencing anxiety.

Your child may be rude, sarcastic, or cry more than usual. They could be obsessing about their bodies and criticizing your body. Your child may be genuinely hard to live with right now. It may help to learn to recognize when the difficulties stem from their anxiety. It makes it easier to tolerate them, and it also makes it easier to know what to do next, which is soothe their anxiety vs criticize their behavior.

Often when our kids are acting out, all we want to do is tell them to quit being so dramatic, annoying, or ridiculous. But what they actually need from us is to recognize that the problem is not their behavior itself, but the fact that they are experiencing anxiety.

Surprising symptoms of anxiety:

• Sarcasm
• Anger
• Yelling
• Helpless crying
• Irritability
• Annoying behavior
• Obsessing about things like food, toilet paper, body weight, fitness, etc.
• Repeating the same fear over and over e.g. “are we going to be OK?” “are we going to die?” and “am I fat?”

If you learn to recognize these annoying habits as anxiety, it will help you manage them better and improve your relationship during eating disorder recovery.

When we recognize anxiety as the cause of our kids’ annoying behavior, we can try to treat the symptom of anxiety. This is much more effective than criticizing our kids for being annoying or rude. If the cause of the behavior is anxiety, then we need to address the anxiety, and the behavior will fix itself. It won’t completely disappear, because anxiety is both a symptom and driver of eating disorders, but it will get easier to manage and become faster to resolve.

Managing your child’s anxiety looks different from typical parenting

It’s important to recognize that our kids’ annoying behavior often comes from anxiety, because then we can be more effective in getting the behavior to stop. When our child is driving us crazy anytime, but especially during eating disorder recovery, we need to try some new parenting techniques.

The problem is that we typically think of parents as being the role of controlling and shaping our kids’ behavior. So if a child is rude, we snap back “don’t be rude” or “I will not accept that behavior – go to your room!”

While these approaches might work in some times, during times of high anxiety, they can backfire tremendously. This is because traditional parenting approaches completely ignore the reason for the behavior. If the reason for the behavior is anxiety, ignoring that means we miss the chance to improve our experience of our kids.

Unmanaged anxiety almost always snowballs. This means that parents become increasingly frustrated with their kids who have anxiety. Meanwhile, kids become increasingly anxious and frustrated with their parents. It’s easy to blame each other. This may be why so many teens and young adults drive their parents crazy. In fact, many parents frequently report they secretly hate their teenagers.

This is a sad outcome of unmanaged anxiety. Luckily, it’s not inevitable or permanent. When parents learn to recognize and soothe their kids’ anxiety, they can make a tremendous impact on their child’s behavior and likability.

How to soothe your child’s anxiety to improve their behavior

Anxiety often drives annoying behavior. When parents react to the behavior without addressing the anxiety underneath, they miss an opportunity to help their kids – and themselves.

Learning to soothe your child’s anxiety instead of automatically responding to their behavior takes time and practice. Don’t expect to do this perfectly the first time or even the five-thousandth time. Just keep practicing.

Here are some steps to help you soothe your child’s anxiety:

1. Soothe yourself – this is hard. Parents who are facing kids with anxiety feel angry and triggered. They want to lash out and control the situation. This is natural and normal. Take a few deep breaths and give yourself compassion for the difficulty of this moment. You will be more effective if you are calm and centered.

2. Recognize when annoying behavior is coming from anxiety. It’s important to recognize that your child is not a monster who needs to be controlled. If their negative behavior comes from anxiety, then addressing the anxiety will likely end the behavior. Observe the behavior – are they being annoying? Rude? Obsessive? Now remember that these behaviors are often driven by anxiety, not a character flaw.

3. Imagine what might be going on. The first step to soothing anxiety is tapping into your empathy. This means recognizing how your child might be feeling right now. Seek to understand why they are being rude – are they feeling trapped and out of control? Are they afraid that you will never be able to buy more toilet paper and everyone will starve? Do they believe that if they get fat nobody will love them? Seek understanding before anything else.

4. Soothe them. When our kids act up, the first thing we want to do is correct them. But in cases of anxiety, we need to soothe them first. Some soothing comments include:

• I can understand why you feel frustrated right now
• You are very angry – I get it
• I imagine that all of this feels like it’s just too much
• I’m here for you. You’re safe.
• I know that sometimes when you worry about your body it means you’re feeling scared about other things, too (only say this if you have previously discussed this together and both agree)

5. Discuss the anxiety. Avoid asking questions about the anxiety or behavior until you sense your child is soothed. Here are some clues: their breathing will slow down and their voice will return to a normal tone and volume. The annoying behavior should be greatly reduced or stopped. Once this happens (and not before), you can ask some questions like:

• Do you want to tell me about how you’re feeling?
• I’d like to hear more about what’s going on for you right now
• It makes sense that you’re feeling anxious/angry/sad – can you tell me about it?
• What can I do to help you right now?
• If I had a magic wand, what would you want me to do?

6. Discuss the behavior. Once your child has calmed down and you have discussed the cause of their behavior, you may want to gently discuss the behavior itself. It’s important to do this without blaming. Seek a collaborative approach in which you seek solutions together rather than dictate rules of engagement. For example:

• I know you were feeling so angry when that happened. And I need you to know it’s very scary for me when you punch the wall/scream at me/yell obscenities. I’d like us to work together to avoid this in the future.
• I understand how stressful life is right now. And I need you to know that when you ask me if you’re fat it triggers a lot of fear for me. I worry that you will stop eating and taking care of yourself. I’ll keep working on myself, and let’s keep talking about it. Is there anything I can do in the future to help?

Self-compassion for everyone

Parenting a child with an eating disorder is hard. If your child is driving you crazy during eating disorder recovery, you are not alone.

The main thing that helps anxiety and annoying anxiety symptoms is self-compassion. The more that parents practice self-compassion for themselves, the better we are able to respond to our kids’ anxiety without over-reacting to their behavior. And if we can teach our kids self-compassion, they are likely to have fewer outbursts. Self-compassion is also shown to reduce anxiety, so it’s a win-win.

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Ginny Jones is the founder of More-Love.org, and a Parent Coach who helps parents who have kids with eating disorders.

See Our Guide To Parenting A Child With An Eating Disorder

Negotiating with a child who has an eating disorder can feel like walking a tightrope: high-stakes, confusing, and often frustrating. When your biggest wish is simply for your child to eat, having to negotiate around something so basic can feel downright bizarre.

Yet, as children grow, it becomes clear that force and control rarely work, especially when it comes to eating. Kids with eating disorders are often incredibly strong-willed, and even when parents “win” a negotiation, it’s common to suspect that children are quietly resisting or sneaking around.

The truth is, trying to negotiate harder isn’t the answer. Instead, the key is to work smarter—understanding how to approach these moments with insight, patience, and strategy to support both your child and yourself.

It’s not the strength of your argument; it’s the fact that you’re arguing

The problem is usually in how we approach a fight, dispute or negotiation with our kids. Most of us were raised by parents who told us to do things “because I said so.” We have also been immersed in movies, television, and other forms of media that have reinforced that people who are in power – including CEOs and parents – get what they want by controlling the situation, yelling to get the point across, and holding a firm line.

The trouble is that most people do not respond well to that form of leadership. In fact, most human beings resent being told what to do. Even if they do what you tell them to, they find ways to rebel against anyone who constantly and oppressively exerts unilateral power over them. In these situations, even reasonable requests fall on deaf and resistant ears. When we can’t agree on even very simple things like food, we become deadlocked.

“You need to eat.”

“No.

“You have to eat.”

“No.”

It’s not working

We see this sort of standoff in parenting all the time. We see it even more with kids who have an eating disorder. These kids often stubbornly refuse to follow reasonable requests to nourish their starving bodies.

Most often when we try strong-arm tactics with our kids, we see them dig their heels in and refuse. And there’s often very little we can do about that. The more we dig our heels in, the more resistant our kids become to even our most reasonable requests. They will actively work against us even as we seek to help them improve their chances of happiness and success.

The current term for this is “oppositional defiance,” which serves to medicalize and codify a behavior as old as time: a child’s rebellion against a parent.

Business lessons in negotiation

One place that we have found some excellent research for this is in the business world. You may think that business leadership is drastically different from parenting, but there are more similarities than you may think. Business leaders frequently need to motivate employees in emotionally-charged situations. And, frankly, it’s easier to study motivation and leadership at work than a parent-child relationship.

There is an excellent book that all parents who want to positively influence their child’s life should read: Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, by Roger Fisher, William Ury, and Bruce Patton. It’s a quick read and will give you a whole new perspective on conflict resolution.

The authors teach us some fundamental concepts to help us achieve agreement with even the most stubborn opponent. The core concept is that we must abandon our need to win an argument. Instead, we must pursue agreement.

This means we will not always get our way, but when working with other people (yes, even and perhaps especially our children), we must always pursue respectful collaboration and allow individuation. This does not mean we get railroaded or become passive. Quite the opposite. We become highly engaged partners in working with our children to find mutually agreeable resolutions that make sense.

Sound impossible? Read the book and you will understand more.

Here are a few highlights:

1. Separate people from issues

One of the first goals in “getting to yes” is to separate people from issues. We want to de-personalize the situation so that we can clarify the actual issue without resorting to personal attacks and judgment, which inevitably leads to a powerful shame response that gets us nowhere.

When we focus on the issue, not the person, we avoid damaging our most precious relationships and make it clear that the relationship is the most precious element of all. We must avoid blame and shame – both inflicting it and feeling it ourselves.

This can take a monumental effort from parents, but it can have staggeringly impressive effects. The more we can see ourselves in partnership with our kids, rather than in conflict with them, the better our chances are of reaching a mutual agreement.

2. Don’t focus on your position

Most of us begin a negotiation by stating our position. Most of the time each party states their position and then works to build their argument in support of that position.

This is an inefficient method of reaching an agreement because it encourages stubbornness and tends to harm each person’s relationship with the other.

In short, the more we argue against each other’s position, the worse we feel about the other person and our relationship with them. This creates a belief that we are adversaries, not in a loving relationship with each other. This is not a good situation for parents or children, and yet we find ourselves doing it over and over again.

3. Do focus on interests

Instead of focusing on your position, focus on your interests. What do you care about, and why? When you discuss a problem from the perspective of interests, there is no “winner” and “loser,” only different interests.

This makes it much easier to reach a mutual agreement because nobody feels they have to sacrifice their pride if they agree to the other person’s interests. This is critical with our children, who want to establish themselves as independent from us. They may be willing to do many more things if we only let them know our interests rather than our position.

The difference is subtle but profound: “you have to take out the trash” (position) vs. “it is important to me that we all contribute to the household. All of us contribute to our family in different ways. What I’d like you to do is take out the trash.” (interest)

4. Generate options

Once you shift from positions to interests, you can see that there are now options available. In the example above, if your goal is to have everyone contribute, then you need to be open options other than taking out the trash.

This doesn’t mean the trash doesn’t get taken out, but it does mean that your child feels they can meet your interests in a way that is mutually agreeable rather than dictated by you.

Giving our kids some leeway in achieving our interests gives them personal agency and a sense of control over their own destiny. When we generate options, we allow our kids to participate in deciding they will do rather than simply dictating what they will do.

It is a well-known fact that while dictators may obtain short-term power, they inevitably breed rebellion and often meet devastating consequences at the hands of their disgruntled constituents.

5. Avoid win-lose mentality

Getting to yes means that both parties agree on a resolution. They have typically both made some compromises in their original positions. Getting to yes takes significantly more time than just saying “because I say so,” especially when a parent has previously used command and control techniques.

Our children need time to gain trust and believe that we are truly interested in finding a respectful resolution.

It is important therefore to mentally prepare yourself by remembering that there is no winner or loser when it comes to parenting. There is no victor in conversations with our children because even when we think we have won, we have lost something in the relationship as a result. Instead, we need to consciously avoid any win-lose mentality and seek connection above all outcomes.

But seriously: when things get really hairy

Of course, eating disorder behaviors are terrifying, and negotiating with a child who has an eating disorder is really hard. Most parents desperately want to intervene and stop the behaviors.

It may seem to you that all this talk of mutual agreement is nice and dandy if you aren’t facing a life-or-death situation, and in some cases, you have to step in and take some control over your child’s nutrition for a while to get them to a baseline weight at which you can begin to collaborate. If this is your situation, please get help with Family Based Treatment, which is designed to do just this.

But most of the time this is not the case. Most of the time we are struggling over behaviors that drive us crazy but that are not imminently life-threatening. In these cases, if our child is medically stable, we can focus on the relationship and connection during disputes rather than some goal outcome (i.e. stopping the eating disorder behavior right now).

Desperate for the bottom line

When desperate, a lot of us seek what we consider to be a “bottom line.” We consider this our protection against a powerful or irrational opponent. But what negotiation research has shown is that a better approach is to establish the best possible step towards your interests. Negotiating with a child who has an eating disorder is hard, but it’s easier if we focus on the big picture instead of the bottom line.

This requires recognizing that we cannot force someone to do what we want them to do, but we may be able to influence them a little bit in our direction. Find small ways to get small “yesses” from your child. Maybe they can’t agree to all of your interests at this time, but can they agree to one small step. Maybe they can’t eat the whole meal, but they can eat some of it and sit with the family for the entirety of the meal. Work with your child’s nutritionist and/or therapist if you need some help with how to set this up.

Small yesses help our child gradually trust that we their parents respect their individuality and help them see that our interests, especially when it comes to their recovery from an eating disorder, are in their own best interest.

When we do this, we avoid trying to force our child to bend to our will and instead show them that we respect their individuality and unique perspective. Negotiating with a child who has an eating disorder should involve respect for the people involved, with an understanding that eating disorder behaviors are not in our best interest.

Parenting a child with an eating disorder will likely involve negotiating. But in time, peaceful and respectful negotiation inspired by “Getting to Yes” is likely to build a strong, collaborative relationship and ultimately bring us closer as families.

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Ginny Jones is the founder of More-Love.org, and a Parent Coach who helps parents who have kids with eating disorders.

See Our Guide To Parenting A Child With An Eating Disorder

Talking to someone with an eating disorder can feel overwhelming, especially if you worry about saying the wrong thing. Most of us don’t know what to say; eating disorders are common but deeply misunderstood. Many people haven’t thought deeply about them, which makes it easy to accidentally say the wrong thing.

The truth is that one in nine people has or had an eating disorder. Yet we rarely talk openly about them. Most people assume eating disorders “look” a certain way, that they make a person appear “skeletal.” In reality, 94% of people with eating disorders do not “look” sick, and their struggles often go undetected.

These misunderstandings and unconscious biases lead to shockingly harmful comments. Nobody intends to cause harm, but it’s so common that many people with eating disorders expect it. In fact, treatment often includes learning how to handle well-meaning but deeply painful remarks from loved ones.

When people say the wrong thing, it’s rarely meant to be hurtful, but it hurts nonetheless. I’ve interviewed thousands of people who have or had eating disorders to discover which phrases cut the deepest.

In this guide, we’ll share the top three most toxic things to say to someone with an eating disorder, plus a full list of 32 harmful phrases to avoid. With this knowledge, you can communicate with care, respect, and compassion, truly supporting your loved one’s healing journey.

What not to say to someone with an eating disorder

The three most damaging comments go something like this:

1. Just stop doing it: the idea that recovery is simple misses the depth and complexity of eating disorders. They are intensely personal and deeply challenging disorders that impact the mind and body. Recovery is rarely simple and requires comprehensive treatment.
2. But you look great: while it’s true that an obsession with appearance is a symptom of an eating disorder, that is not all that it’s is about. And no amount of reassurance about appearance and weight will ever budge an eating disorder. They require specialized treatment and care.
3. I wish I had an eating disorder: an eating disorder is a life-threatening disorder that can impact a person’s body and mind for life. Usually what people mean when they say this is that they wish they could lose weight. This is deeply damaging and hurtful for someone in the depths of a mental disorder. It also perpetuates weight stigma and diet culture, the major social drivers of eating disorders.

If you’re not sure what to say to someone who has an eating disorder, then stick with compassion and support. Avoid making suggestions or comments that expose your own fear of fat or belief that an eating disorder is a choice.

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32 of the worst things people say to people who have eating disorders

Just …

• stop throwing up
• eat a hamburger
• put the fork down
• start eating regularly, it’ll fix itself
• let yourself become one with God. And when you realize that you are in God’s love, your anxieties will go away

Statements that begin with the word “just” suggest that eating disorders are simple. Eating disorders are absolutely not simple. They are complex biopsychosocial mental health conditions. That means they stem from a combination of biological, psychological, and social conditions. All of these conditions combine to create a situation in which eating disorders thrive.

When people start a statement about eating disorders with the word “just” It shows a lack of understanding of the complexity of the situation. This suggests they don’t understand how serious and challenging it is to recover from an eating disorder.

Any sort of advice that begins with a version of “you just need to” may be well-intended, but it is harmful.

But you …

• are skinny, so you can’t be anorexic
• aren’t skinny, so you can’t be anorexic
• look fine
• don’t look like you have an eating disorder
• are so smart, why can’t you see that this is ridiculous?
• aren’t really bulimic. You don’t throw up, do you?
• can recover if you want it badly enough

When a comment begins with “But you” the next thing that comes out is going to hurt. This is because it suggests that a person shouldn’t have an eating disorder. The word “but” means “you shouldn’t.” Phrases that begin this way suggest that a person with an eating disorder is making an active choice to have an eating disorder rather than struggling with a mental health condition. A simplification of the problem will not make the eating disorder go away because it misses the point.

Also, the idea that eating disorders have a certain look is deeply damaging. The vast majority (~94%) of eating disorders are invisible.

While advice that starts with a version of “but you” probably reflects your curiosity and surprise, it also reflects ignorance of the disorder. Please be careful!

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Free Guide: How Parents Can Help A Child With An Eating Disorder

Master the secrets to supporting a child with an eating disorder. Thousands of families like yours are stronger today because of these six vital lessons drawn from lived experience, best practices, and extensive study.

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I wish …

• I had anorexia! My body could lose a few pounds!
• I had the strength to not eat! My problem is that I eat too much!
• you would just stop doing this!
• you could hear how ridiculous you sound

“I wish” statements are often followed by the idea that you wish you had some eating disorder symptoms. In doing this, you’re perpetuating diet culture, which is one of the contributing factors in eating disorders. These statements suggest that an eating disorder is a healthy diet with a positive outcome rather than a deadly condition. There is no upside to an eating disorder.

Another option is “I wish you would just stop!” This suggests that you think recovery is easy or magical. As you’ve probably picked up by now, eating disorder recovery is not easy. Making a wish will never make an eating disorder go away.

It’s not that hard …

• focus on eating healthy and get some light exercise!
• stop caring what people think!
• run. If you run, you’ll be hungry. AND it cured my depression
• it’s just about willpower!
• just eat normally and then lightly exercise
• if you’re unhappy with your weight just diet and lose it!
• if you’re unhappy with how you look then eat better and workout more

It’s dismissive and hurtful to suggest that “it’s not that hard” to recover from an eating disorder. Of course it’s hard! If it weren’t, then nobody would have an eating disorder.

We live in a culture that has a poor understanding of mental health, but here’s a really simple rule of thumb. Any time you want to say it’s not hard to be mentally healthy, consider whether you would say the same thing to someone who broke a leg. Would you suggest that they could heal by simply “getting over it?” Or adding some light exercise? No!

And you definitely wouldn’t suggest that the way to heal a broken leg is to heal it by themselves. That’s essentially what happens when someone suggests that a person who has an eating disorder should eat, not eat, or exercise their way out of their eating disorder. That’s just not how it works.

But …

• you look perfectly fine to me
• can’t you see how bad you look right now?
• you’re so bony! It’s not attractive!
• there is nothing bad happening in your life for that you act like that
• doesn’t everyone have an eating disorder?
• you’d look better if you gained weight

When a response begins with “but,” this suggests that eating disorders are simple and/or ridiculous. We’ve covered the fact that eating disorders are not simple. Eating disorders are also not ridiculous. They are coping behaviors that are rooted in a web of biology, psychology, and societal forces.

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Free Guide: How Parents Can Help A Child With An Eating Disorder

Master the secrets to supporting a child with an eating disorder. Thousands of families like yours are stronger today because of these six vital lessons drawn from lived experience, best practices, and extensive study.

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet

You need to …

• stop being so selfish and take care of yourself so you don’t make your mother worry. Why do you keep making things so difficult for her?
• eat normally. You don’t have to eat pizza everyday but just eat something
• go eat a hamburger
• pray and Jesus will make it go away

It’s almost never helpful to tell someone who has an eating disorder what they need to do. Leave that up to the professionals who are working with the person who has the eating disorder. They alone are qualified to provide any guidance on this topic.

What to say instead

Parenting a child with an eating disorder doesn’t mean you can’t say anything! Just say words of compassion rather than advice. Compassionate statements recognize that the person is doing their very best. They also demonstrate that you trust the person to make the right choices for their recovery. Here are some ideas:

• I’m so sorry that you’re hurting right now
• It sounds as if you’re working really hard
• I’m here to support you
• It sounds like this is really challenging
• I love you

If you are responsible for feeding your child in recovery and have specific instructions to prompt your child to eat, you can say things like:

• I understand you don’t feel like eating, but please keep going
• I hear you; this is not what you want right now, but I think you can handle it
• I get it; eating feels hard right now but I’m 100% sure that what I’ve served you is what you need to eat

These phrases do two things: validate your child’s experience and also set expectations and boundaries around expected behavior.

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How to stop nagging and negotiating with your kid who has an eating disorder

If your kid has an eating disorder, then there’s a good chance you are constantly nagging and negotiating with them to eat. How many reminders have you given your child this week? A certain level of…

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I know it’s hard to learn these guidelines. Most people genuinely want to be helpful, they just don’t know enough to avoid causing harm. Hopefully, this has given you some ideas about why these statements can be hurtful and what to say instead.

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Ginny Jones is the founder of More-Love.org, and a Parent Coach who helps parents who have kids with eating disorders.

See Our Guide To Parenting A Child With An Eating Disorder

by Verena Radlingmayr

Unconditional love when your child has an eating disorder may seem confusing. But remember that first time you held this precious, tiny little wonder in your arms? Remember the feelings you had? Before you were wondering if you could be a good parent, there was this feeling of love, wonder, and so much love. It flowed freely, unconditionally. Your child didn’t have to do anything to deserve this love. It was enough s/he was there.

Years later, you are facing an eating disorder, and you find yourself researching solutions to a problem that may lead to your child’s death. And you are faced with powerful emotions that swirl around your insides. When a child struggles with eating, parents feel shame and guilt and wonder what they did wrong to make their child to suffer so greatly. What caused this tiny precious thing to grow into a child determined to destroy herself?

There is nothing you could have done differently. Yet there is something you need to learn. But before you can learn something it is necessary to forgive yourself. Forgiveness is powerful. And while we easily forgive others, we sometimes fail to grant the same kindness to ourselves. Forgive yourself. You didn’t set out to hurt your child.

You are now open to make the adjustments and amends supporting your child’s healing process.

Why is it your child has these issues in the first place? In my experience there is a connection between a child’s universal rights and eating disorders.

Children’s rights and unconditional love

Children’s rights are universal. They include unconditional love, being accepted wholly, and being supported and defended. First and foremost is the right to be loved unconditionally.

Unconditional love means a child has the right to truly be as they are, without forcing themselves to be or do things that don’t fit in order to be socially acceptable. While years ago unconditional love was a luxury for a few, it is now a basic requirement, especially for a child with an eating disorder.

When your child has an eating disorder, they suffer from a distorted picture of themselves and lose the utter trust in and faith of being worthy of unconditional love. In their disorders, they believe that love is conditional and that they must look and behave according to what they believe will make them lovable. They believe that gaining the love they need to survive is conditional based on external measurements of appearance and behavior. The child feels abandoned and torn apart. 

Parents can sometimes accidentally perpetuate these beliefs because they don’t know better. They, too, have been taught that love is conditional. They, too, believe they must appear and behave a certain way to gain love. And so they don’t realize that their conditional love for their child is painful. 
 
An eating disorder often is way of finding a solution to an impossible task – to gain love. It’s a way to right what’s wrong and get what they need most: their caregivers’ love. 

When a child become assured they will receive unconditional love without any adjustments in appearance or behavior, the eating disorder symptoms are no longer necessary to make the child feel safe in pursuing love because they know they have love unconditionally.

We often think that growing up requires you to toughen up, that you need to play the game. Research shows that in babies born around 2000 and after, new brain areas have developed, and they affect the way we perceive ourselves and make us more perceptive of our environment. While we, the parents, were brought up to understand that love is conditional and based upon social acceptance, our kids’ brains can’t cope with the same conditions.

For example, it might not be socially accepted that your child gets angry, but if it is who she is, and as parents we must love her with (not in spite of) her anger. Don’t say things like “Today is my birthday, so if I had one wish it would be for you to behave and not have one of your outbursts.” That would be hurtful, and a condition of your love. It causes your child to feel unloved. As children we are hardwired to have our caregivers love – our survival depends on it. Can you remember the fear and despair you felt when you sensed that your own parents required you to ignore your own needs in order to gain their love?

You have rights, too!

This is so important to know: unconditional love is your right, too. You deserve to be loved with all the flaws and faults and little eccentricities that make you the very special human miracle you are. That’s why you are allowed to forgive yourself. Because you were doing what you thought best and didn’t know about the importance to follow your heart and your instincts.

As a parting gift I want you to have this tool to help you and your child along the way: close your eyes and remember the day your child was born. Let your system be flooded with the joy and love you felt. Stay in the moment until you feel the love in your heart, and from the tips of your hair all the way down to the tips of your toes. Then open your eyes and you will see. See the next step and then the next.

Parenting a child with an eating disorder is hard. By making the decisions from the viewpoint of love, you will be the support and guidance your child needs. Feel the emotions you had this very first moment you held your child and tap into them again and again. You are brave to follow your heart and you are exactly what your child needs.

Dr. Verena Radlingmayr is an author for children and guide for the inner strength. She assists you in gaining the confidence, the security or clarity you need to thrive. Her law background and knowledge of holistic healing combined brought forth the very idea of universal rights and their connectedness to prosperity, health, and inner sanctum. To set things straight and shine a light on the infringing acts of unknowing persecutors is Verena’s idea of leading a successful professional life. Her books speak to the inner core and the heart and heal weaving a net of supporting words and explanations. The first English title is Schilda, the fortune turtle, available as ebook. Website

See Our Guide To Parenting A Child With An Eating Disorder

It’s painful and awkward when a beloved family member, especially a grandparent, makes fat-shaming comments toward your children. Whether it’s meant as concern or just an outdated mindset, these remarks can do real harm to your child’s self-esteem and body image.

As a parent, it’s essential to respond in a way that protects your child, sets healthy boundaries, and addresses the issue with compassion and clarity. In this guide, we’ll explore how to handle fat-shaming from Grandma (or any relative) while preserving family relationships and creating a body-positive environment for your kids. Here’s my response to a parent who is wondering what to do:

Dear Ginny,

My daughter is on the heavier side. I do my best to help her love herself by telling her how much I love her and that she’s beautiful to me.

The problem is other people. For example, every time we see my mother she mentions my daughter’s weight. Sometimes she does this right in front of my daughter, and sometimes she does it behind her back. It’s usually just small comments, like “still going up, huh?”  

A few times my daughter has had a growth spurt that leads to a leaner appearance, and then my mom showers her with compliments that are followed with warnings. “You look great honey, now you just have to keep off that extra weight and you’ll be perfect!”

I have a feeling these comments are not good for my daughter’s self-esteem, but I’m not sure what to do. In every other way, my mother dotes on my daughter and couldn’t be more loving. Is this something I should address with my mom? What should I say?

Signed, Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom,

This is definitely something you should address, and quickly. Usually when grandparents make comments about a grandchild’s weight they are doing it with the best intentions. But unfortunately weight-based comments really hurt, especially in the grandparent-grandchild relationship. A grandmother who comments on her grandchild’s weight is causing harm, even if that’s not her intent. Family members have an outsize impact on our kids’ self-image and can deeply affect self-worth and self-esteem. Your mom’s comments may come from a well-intentioned place, but they are likely causing harm. 

Why it’s a problem when grandparents fat shame grandkids

There are many reasons grandparents should never fat shame their grandkids. Ideally your child’s grandparents provide unconditional love, affection, and acceptance to their grandkids. 

While you need to make sure your kids do things like go to bed on time and brush their teeth, grandparents typically don’t have the same responsibilities. Therefore, grandparents are often a source of great solace and comfort for grandkids. They can be essential in building the child’s self-worth, confidence, and self-esteem.

Unfortunately, grandparents like your mom can’t provide this to their grandkids. It sounds like your mom is deep in diet culture and weight stigma, which is resulting in fat-shaming for your daughter. Fat-shaming damages the relationship between your mom and her grandchild. It removes the opportunity for your child to feel safe with her grandparent and adds one more person to the list of people who criticize her for her body.

Grandparents who fat shame their grandkids increase the chance that the grandchild will resort to dangerous and unhelpful weight reduction techniques, which lead to both weight gain and eating disorders. But even if this weren’t true, it’s simply not OK to fat shame anyone, anytime. Every body deserves dignity and respect at any weight.

It is not possible for grandparents to fat shame their grandchild and increase their grandchild’s sense of self-worth and confidence. In fact, fat-shaming grandparents have a devastating impact on both. So it’s time to ask your mom to stop.

How parents can shut down fat shaming grandparents

You can start the conversion with your mom immediately. “Mom, I need you to know that I’m not comfortable with you talking about Katie’s body. I know how much you love her, but your comments are hurtful. From now on I’m going to interrupt you, and possibly even leave, if you mention anything – negative or positive – about Katie’s body. It’s just not OK with me.”

This may be really hard for you. It’s very possible that your mom made similar comments about your body, and you have internalized them and believe them on some level. We all live in a fatphobic society, and it takes tremendous energy to overcome our subconscious weight stigma. 

Just remember this: weight stigma is morally wrong. Also, it’s been proven to lead to disordered eating and higher body weight. Weight stigma is much more harmful than fat ever was. Fat shaming comments are never, ever helpful, and they must be stopped.

How parents can hold fat shaming boundaries

Once you have given your mom “the speech,” it’s time to hold your boundary without debate. If your mom says something that’s fat shaming, give her one warning. You can try an assertive but polite reminder like “Mom, I’m not comfortable with you talking about Katie’s body. Please stop.”

Your mom might get huffy, hurt, defensive or angry when you do this. It’s hard to change well-worn, deeply-held beliefs. But it’s her responsibility to manage her feelings, not yours, and certainly not your child’s.  

As much as we want to make our parents happy with us, we have to put our kids’ mental and physical health first. Your boundaries are not in place because your mom is a bad grandmother, but rather because it’s your responsibility to keep your daughter safe, and that includes protecting her from grandma’s fat shaming. 

It’s really hard, but if your mom continues to talk about your daughter’s body, you need to take your child and leave the room. You can simply say something like “Mom, we’re going to leave now. See you later.” This is the key to holding boundaries – we can’t make someone else change, but we can move our feet to show we mean business.

How kids can stop fat shaming in its tracks

In addition to talking to your mom, you can also teach your daughter to be assertive in body shaming situations. Give her a few statements that will help her be assertive when people are rude. “Grandma, when you talk about my body, I feel uncomfortable. Can you please stop?”

Grandma may respond with a defensive “Well, it’s only because I care,” or even “You are incredibly rude – I don’t like how you’re talking to me!” To which your daughter can say “That may be so, but when you talk about my body it makes me uncomfortable, and I’d like you to stop.”

Practice this at home and before visiting Grandma to help your daughter learn that standing up for herself is acceptable and necessary. Being politely assertive will be invaluable for your daughter as she moves forward in life. 

Why fat shaming children is a strict NO

Fat shaming is not benign. It causes tremendous harm and is strongly associated with many negative outcomes. When a grandparent fat shames their grandchild the child will feel worse about their body and themself. They will wonder if they need to change their body in order to be loved and accepted in the family. This is unacceptable and should not be tolerated. 

Fat shaming correlates with various negative outcomes like negative body image, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, substance use and suicide. It’s also strongly associated with weight cycling, a known cause of weight gain, binge eating, and eating disorders. 

Being fat shamed puts your child in a state of stress, which increases her likelihood of seeking behaviors and substances to reduce her stress and decreases her likelihood of making healthy lifestyle choices. 

I know it’s hard, but it’s important to stand up for your daughter and help Grandma see the error in her ways.

Sending Love … Ginny

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Ginny Jones is the founder of More-Love.org, and a Parent Coach who helps parents who have kids with eating disorders.

See Our Guide To Parenting A Child With An Eating Disorder

When your child is struggling with an eating disorder, co-parenting takes on a whole new level of urgency and complexity. Whether you’re married, divorced, or navigating a blended family, the way you and your co-parent communicate, support each other, and respond to your child’s needs can significantly impact their recovery.

Eating disorders thrive in secrecy and conflict, but healing grows in safety, consistency, and connection. Even if you and your co-parent don’t always agree, learning how to work as a team can make all the difference. This guide offers practical, compassionate advice for showing up as steady, united caregivers during one of the hardest times your family may face.

1. Let go of the guilt

Let’s begin by addressing the elephant in the room: your divorce. You may worry that your divorce has negatively impacted your child. You may even secretly wonder whether your divorce directly led to your child’s eating disorder. But let’s be absolutely clear: you made a decision and did what was best for you. Nobody chooses divorce because it’s easy. You chose divorce because you had to. For whatever reason, divorce was the path your marriage had to take.

And yes, divorce does impact our kids, but the impact doesn’t have to be disastrous. Even a divorce that went really badly can still turn out to be OK with your kids. The first thing you have to do is lose your guilt about the divorce because we simply can’t parent effectively from a place of guilt.  Accept that your divorce is a part of your kids’ life, and work from that place.

2. Accept your ex

This may be the hardest part of co-parenting after divorce. The fact is, you chose to divorce your ex, and there’s a good chance that if you hadn’t had kids together, you wouldn’t choose to spend time with your ex. Being required to find a way to work with someone whom you chose to divorce is asking a lot. Let’s acknowledge that, and do it anyway.

The only way you can effectively co-parent with your ex is if you learn to accept your ex’s strengths and weaknesses. You simply won’t be a good co-parent if you’re constantly seething about your ex. This may seem insurmountable since those weaknesses are probably the very things that drove you out of the marriage.

But here’s the good news: you’re not married anymore. You don’t have to agree with your spouse – you just have to accept them. There’s a huge difference, and it’s in the difference between agreement and acceptance that we can find the key to co-parenting.

3. Agree on some basic values

When you have a child who has an eating disorder you are parenting in a crisis. There is a lot to figure out, and somehow you have to get on the same page. One way to do this is to agree upon some basic recovery values that you’re both going to follow. For example:

• We value our child’s health and are willing to learn new things that challenge our beliefs to accommodate our child’s recovery.
• We value treatment and will share the expenses and travel burden and attend therapy together if recommended.
• We value respectful relationships and will work to accept our differences, avoid drama, and treat each other with respect.

Agree on just a few values that you can both easily agree are important. Write them down, and keep them nearby. Whenever a problem arises between you regarding parenting, reference your shared values, and use them to guide your co-parenting efforts instead of relying on emotion.

4. Agree on some basic rules

Rules differ from values in that they are firm and don’t invite discussion. Values may shift, and we may engage in debate to determine how the best fit a situation, but rules should be clear-cut and definitive. For example, some family rules when a child has an eating disorder may include:

• No dieting: this means that absolutely no weight loss efforts should be taking place in the entire household.
• No body talk: this means that nobody should engage in fat-talk, fat-shaming, or any body-oriented talk about themselves or anyone else.
• No tracking apps: fitness trackers can be a real challenge for anyone who has an eating disorder. Nobody should wear them.
• No scales in the house: scales can drive eating disorder behaviors and derail eating disorder recovery. You should remove all scales from the house.

It’s important to know that most of us will make mistakes and struggle to meet rules like this. Try not to come down too hard if your ex has trouble maintaining these rules. However, do write them down, agree to them, and discuss them regularly. Check in with your ex to make sure they are maintaining these rules in their household.

5. Think about what’s best for your child

It’s normal to want to hold your child close during eating disorder recovery. But make sure that if you suggest making any changes to custody and visitation agreements you are acting legally and in your child’s best interest. Custody is tricky, and there is no best answer.

It may be that in early recovery your child may benefit from staying in a single household. It may be that one parent has more flexibility and thus can take a more active role in your child’s treatment. But never ignore the fact that community and family connections are a tremendous asset in eating disorder recovery. If your child has deep roots and gains fulfillment from spending time with your ex’s family and is a part of their community, then find ways to maintain those elements in their life throughout treatment.

If your child asks for a change in custody or visitation during treatment, try to approach it with an open mind. Work with your ex to try and remove your emotional response to such a change, and seek the solution that works best for your child right now. Work with a therapist or coach for guidance on this topic.

6. Speak up

If your ex is unable to meet you in the middle – if you’ve really tried to set values and put your child first, but it’s just not working – then it may be time for you to speak up more assertively. Your child’s recovery from an eating disorder must be your first priority. If your ex is threatening your child’s recovery by enabling eating disorder behaviors, you may need to get some legal support and protect your child. Be very, very careful with your actions, however, as they can backfire and have unintended consequences.

Consult an expert, and seek the truth inside of yourself to identify whether you are advocating for your child or responding to your own pain and suffering from the divorce. There’s nothing wrong with the fact that you find it hard to co-parent with your ex, but it’s not OK to sacrifice your child’s health because you are not able to rise above and parent from a place of maturity.

Co-parenting with an eating disorder adds complexity, but it’s well worth working towards shared goals as your child recovers.

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Ginny Jones is the founder of More-Love.org, and a Parent Coach who helps parents who have kids with eating disorders.

See Our Guide To Parenting A Child With An Eating Disorder